WTF Wednesday Review: GHOST HOUSE (1988) – Newt Wallen

So I watched about two minutes of this already, just in my spare time.  It’s Newt with some fucking too-cool-for-school, douchebag, dude bro in a backwards baseball cap, eyebrow piercing, and covered in tattoos.  And Newt keeps looking to this guy for reassurance.  “Please say that I’m a cool guy, dude bro.  We’re friends, right?  I want to be your friend forever.”

It’s just some fucking loser who makes shitty tits and gore movies.  I guess.  Maybe he made one.  And Newt looks at him like a puppy looking at his new owner.  It’s creepy as fuck.  Get some dignity, Newt.  

And this fucking faggot is not somebody to aspire to.  He’s pathetic.  Forty years old and dressed like this?  No job?

Apparently, Newt knew this guy from school.  Is everybody from that school a complete and abject failure or just the people who Newt kept in touch with?  

Imagine Career Day at that school.  “Today we have a special speaker.  He’s a 1999 graduate and he recently quit his job at the cinema to start writing tits and gore scripts for movies that will never get made.  Please welcome Mr Wallen.”

The guy’s name is Kevin.  Here’s what this big shot Hollywood movie producer is working on: Punk Rock 101: The Series.

He’s raised about $500.  Twelve backers.  He’s a long way from his $12,000 goal.

Newt is listed in the cast as an executive producer.  Also, everybody has their pronouns listed.  Newt is he/him/his.  So they’ve actually added a pronoun for all of these.  Right?  Isn’t it usually only two?  I think that everybody is just the normal pronouns, I’m not seeing any “they’s”.  There might be some ladyboys or something but if not, I’m surprised that they did this

By the way, in the Google search results, it’s described as “A modern day Seinfeld”.  Yeah.  Minus the laughs, intellect, and good acting.  And on a $500 budget.  But other than that, it’s exactly like Seinfeld.

0:30 – Newt is playing Sergei, who’s in a wheelchair, and only knows “two words”, “Big titty women” and “chocolate ice cream”.

That’s six words, Mr Dude Bro, but…yeah.  This sounds like real Seinfeldesque material.  Remember that Seinfeld episode that was all tits and gore?  

Actually, I suppose there was the episode where the O’Henry heiress only wore a bra.  And she had big tits.  And there was the episode where George’s bank password was “Bosco”.  So there’s the chocolate and ice cream connection.  And there’s the episode where Kramer dates a woman in a wheelchair.  So maybe this is like Seinfeld.

1:00 – “Kevin was also a producer on Swamp Zombies and Swamp Zombies 2”.  

Wow.  We are in the presence of Hollywood royalty.

Oh, I should point out that Dude Bro is vaping.  He’s a real badass.  The ladies love a bad boy.  Probably not this fat, unemployed fuck, though.  

You know what I’ve noticed?  Women like men with jobs.  That’s probably the number one thing I would recommend to any guy who’s trying to woo the ladies.  Get a job.

Oh, this guy is also drinking beer.  

7:00 – Newt and Dude Bro are arguing about what happened in the movie.  Newt and Dude Bro argue A LOT.  Over petty stuff.  For example, they argued over when they first met.  Newt said the fifth grade but Dude Bro insisted that it was the seventh grade.  Who cares?

I’d be interested to know who’s actually right in all of this.  I suspect that it’s Newt and Dude Bro is just really angry all of the time because he’s chock full of testosterone.  So he starts petty arguments.

But what if Dude Bro is actually right?  Then he’d be justified to get angry.  It would be annoying as fuck hearing childhood stories, from your own childhood, that you know are inaccurate.  Maybe Newt is just making all of this shit up.  

14:30 – Newt can’t understand why some character was in the film and Dude Bro says that it’s “probably because they needed an African-American.”  Newt seems uncomfortable with this and says, “It was 1988, though.”

Newt is suggesting that having token black characters is a fairly recent phenomena.  No.  It was absolutely happening by 1988.  All of the tv shows of the 1980s were doing this, at least by the mid 1980s.  I can’t really speak on anything earlier than that, not having been old enough to form memories.

There were no all-white casts on television by the 1980s. Just name a show.  Facts of Life: Tootie.  Punky Brewster: Cherry.  The A-Team: Mr T.  Silver Spoons: the guy who played Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bell Air.  Perfect Strangers: Harriet Winslow who would later star in Family Matters.  Mr Belvedere: ummm…nothing springs to mind.  I’m sure that if there was a birthday party, Wesley would suddenly have a black friend but nobody in the main cast.  Can’t think of anybody in Alf either.  And of course, there are shows where race was sort of central to the show like Diff’rent Strokes, Webster, and Gimme A Break.  So I’m not including those.

So anyway, it wasn’t absolute and total but certainly it was pretty rare by the 1980s to have an all-white cast.  

19:30 – I think that Dude Bro has a Thundercats tattoo.  Umm…he’s losing street cred with me.  I’ll just say that.

22:00 – Then Dude Bro starts talking about what a bully he was as a kid.  He starts telling a story about making a handicapped kid swim in a lake before Newt cuts him off.  What an asshole.  In case it wasn’t abundantly clear already that Dude Bro is an asshole.

25:30 – Dude Bro says, “This kid’s like my brother”, in reference to Newt.  

They’re the same age.  Dude Bro just likes belittling Newt.  And Newt has no self-esteem so doesn’t mind.

Well, the good news is that red dye in tattoos is linked to an increase in cancer risk.  Bet Dude Bro didn’t think of that when he was getting that tattoo of the Thundercats logo.  He’s fucked.

3 thoughts on “WTF Wednesday Review: GHOST HOUSE (1988) – Newt Wallen

  1. You ever notice how overly positive his comment section always is? It's been like that for a year.It's not subtle and pretty obvious he's deleting comments.

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