NEWTS GOT ISSUES: The Velvet Rope – Newt Wallen 

0:15 – He starts by saying that he can’t do many of these videos because he sold all of his comics to fund his idiotic movie and/or comic book.

I don’t know.  Maybe it’s good to sell the comics anyway.  They’re just taking up space.  Are these 1990s comics going to shoot up in value any time soon?  There are billions of these things in mint condition.

I have a recurring nightmare about what I’m going to do with my childhood stuff.  It’s still in my childhood home in the US.  How am I going to get a roomful of shit to the UK?  There are international movers but is it going to be worth the no doubt huge expense just to ship toys and whatnot?  And then where am I going to put it even if I got it here?  I rent and I move a lot.  

Almost all of it has to be sold from the US but how can I do that?  It would take an age and I’m not going to stay there for months selling this crap on Ebay and making dozens of trips to the post office.  And I don’t want to ask a family member to do that.  

And then there’s the fact that I don’t want to sell any of this.  There’s sentimental value.  Even though I haven’t seen the stuff in ages, I still like knowing that it still exists.  But it has to be sold, I guess.  

I didn’t sell anything before I left because I thought that I’d be back but it’s been 20 years.  I’m probably not going back.  

I read a post on Reddit before about an American woman who was going back to the US and she had a bunch of shit that she was selling.  It was a hot Asian woman who was here for university.  Her picture was in her profile.  So she had this list of household goods that she was trying to sell: plates and rice cooker and chopsticks and whatever.  She also had some clothes and bed linens and bath towels and whatnot.  She said that everything has been washed.  Everything was really cheap because she was trying to sell this stuff fast because she was moving soon.  The towels were like £5 each.

So some guy responds with, “I’ll give you £10 for the towels if they’re not washed.”

Anyway, back to Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen.

0:30 – He’s showing a comic called The Velvet Rope.  The comic was released in 2007.  Newt is a character in the book.  It seems to be about a sexy lady with giant tits who works in a movie theatre.  And Newt.  

Let me look this up.

It’s five dollars on Ebay.  And according to the listing, it was released in 2008, not 2007, but it doesn’t matter.  

“I’m drawn in as the hapless sap who goes into the movies and gets swallowed up by the theatre”.

Oh.  It’s about a haunted theatre.

1:00 – Newt says that being in this comic is one of the best things that ever happened to him.  As a kid, he wanted to get involved in the comic industry but because he’s from New Jersey, he can’t do that because the comic book industry is based in California and New York.

Did kid Newt not have access to a map?  Let me check the distance between, say, Trenton, New Jersey to New York City.

It’s a one hour train journey.  He wouldn’t even have had to move.  He could have commuted.  

3:30 – He says that he first met Horseface around the time that this comic was released.  Eugh.

3:45 – This comic has a depiction of Die Laughing, which was Newt’s movie script about zombie clowns.  He co-wrote it with Justin Silverman.  I’m guessing that that film’s plot was “tits and gore” like every other movie idea Newt has.  Too bad it never got made.  The world just wasn’t ready for it.

4:00 – This comic inspired Newt to follow his artistic dreams so he started the Underbelly Youtube channel with Justin.  He saw the comic and said, “I want to make stuff too.”

Yeah.  Can it be good stuff, though?  Why make crap?  Shark Vampire.  No.  It’s not going to work.

By the way, the cereal boxes are back.  He has a Monster Mash back there, along with the more popular ones like Frankeberry and Booberry.  It’s “family size”.  But Newt doesn’t have a family.  Not to worry.  Al from Happy Days will be there to assist.

5:45 – Newt was asked to write the film adaptation of this comic.  They didn’t like his script that he shat out in a month.  So over the course of five years, from 2010 to 2015, he worked on the script.  Tried different ideas.  They also shot some teasers using different actresses.

Do you want to guess who one of the actresses was?  None other than Crystal Quin.  Horseface McGee herself.

Newt.  This is pathetic.  She’s not fucking interested.  Why are you even interested?  Do something else with your life.

6:45: He says that Cory Feldman was involved at one point in this project.  Wow.  2015 Cory Feldman.  Was he even alive then?  Let me look this up.

Oh, he’s still alive today.  

Who could they have gotten to play this giant breasted usher?  The brunette from Two Broke Girls?  No, was the show still on in 2015?  Yeah, so that’s out.  She’d probably be willing to do it now, though.  I think that she’s homeless.

Big-titted actresses of yore…oh, somebody prepared a list.  This is helpful.

“Actresses from big to huge boobs”.  Good title.  I wish there was a way to filter out the big boobs and only get the huge boobs, though.  Because look at the concept art that Newt shows in this video.  It has to be somebody who has some kind of medical problem resulting in giant breasts.

Kirsten Dunst?  She’s pretty washed up.  But does she have big tits?  Mmm…maybe?  The pictures I’m seeing tend to vary.

Oh, Jenny McCartney.  She’d be good.  She’s definitely washed up.  Tits aren’t super big though, are they?

It reminds me, though.  What about somebody who used to be on Baywatch?  A lot of them were also in Playboy.  What about Donna D’errico?  She’d be perfect.  Totally washed up, never had much of a career to begin with, and she has big tits.  I have her issue of Playboy somewhere.

7:30 – “What kid doesn’t imagine being drawn into a comic book?”

I’m guessing most of them.  What a weird aspiration.  “I wish that my visage was in a comic book.” 

That’s the video.  

I’m still thinking of actresses with big tits.  Who was that woman who replaced Jenny McCartney on Singled Out?  She was also in Baywatch.

Carmen Electra.  That’s it.  I also have a Playboy of her.  Maybe it’s the same issue as the Donna D’errico one.  

She was also in the Naked Women’s Wrestling League.  She never got naked or wrestled but her name was used to promote the videos.  Jimmy Hart was also in this, oddly.  And Sabu’s girlfriend, who recently died.  She actually got naked and wrestled.   Melissa Coates.  That’s her name.  She wrestled April Hunter.

My favourite was Annie Social, who was apparently a legitimate wrestler on the indie scene.  I read an interview saying that she regrets doing it.  

Most of the other wrestlers were clearly just local strippers.  And not even strippers who you want to see naked.  Plus, obviously, they couldn’t wrestle.  This stuff was filmed in Canada where apparently it’s legal to have fully nude wrestling matches.  There was a full audience and everything.

I was obsessed with these videos for a while.  There were apparently three DVDs.  I’m only familiar with one.  I have the full rip somewhere.  

I’d also see videos on various porn sites from this organisation.  Just the odd match, not a full DVD.  But it was never nude.  At best, it would be topless, but a lot of it was just they’d be in a crop top and booty shorts or something.  This doesn’t fit the theme.  You expect nude wrestling from Naked Women’s Wrestling League.

Anyway, it’s an obscure bit of wrestling history.  The fact that Jimmy Hart was in it is insane.  He was genuinely there, in the ring.  It wasn’t some bullshit like how Carmen Electra barely had anything to do with this.  He managed April Hunter in the DVD that I saw.


4 thoughts on “NEWTS GOT ISSUES: The Velvet Rope – Newt Wallen

  1. Just when I think he can't get much more sadfuck, he literally has a comic book made in part from how much of a sadfuck he's always been.It's crazy at this point how much he keeps telling everyone how important Horseface has been on his life. Imagine being sad because Horseface isn't part of your life anymore. She's like 10x worse than my worst ex as far as not being able to stand her personality. Jesus christ man.

  2. WHAT is this fucking obsession with Horseface holy shit.I still miss some of my exes because I fucked up and they were lovely girls. But I don't sit around moping 10 years later making Youtube videos about them.

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