NEWTrition. Its Newt Vs the Little Ceasers Batman Pizza – Newt Wallen

The Newt train rolls on.  This time Newt is trying the Little Caesars Batman pizza.  I’ve already seen a video of this a few weeks ago.  Some guy bought it for his children.  But here’s Newt Wallen, a 40 year old man, eating a novelty pizza.

0:00 – This is being filmed in the cashier area of the theatre that Newt works in.

“Mel” purchased this pizza.  This is the woman filming the video.  Her name is Melissa but apparently goes by “Mel” for short.

0:15 – Newt says that he hasn’t had Little Caesars since 1991 when his parents divorced.  His father didn’t cook so he would order pizza a lot.

0:30 – Then he gives some weird trivia about the son of the owner of Little Caesars apparently being in some shitty horror movie that nobody has ever heard of.  Also, the former owner of Little Caesars apparently paid Rosa Parks’ rent in her later years.

1:00 – He didn’t want to eat it because it’s cold but Melissa says, “Just eat it.”  This is so weird.  This is her boss?  Maybe?  And Newt really lords it over the teenage workforce at the cinema.  But he seems pretty chummy with Mel.

I wouldn’t want any of this.  I just want to go to work, do the job, and go home.  I don’t want to watch you make Youtube videos and buy you pizza and watch movies with you and all of this stupid shit.  I’m there to work.  That’s it.  

This is a horrible work environment.  I mean, it’s fine for the people involved.  They’re all friends, they’re going to give each other promotions, whatever.  But if you’re not part of this group, if you just view work as a place to work, forget it.  Look for another job.  This is going to be a nightmare every single day.

1:15 – “Cold pizza is still good pizza.  Cold pizza and sex: even when it’s bad, it’s good.”

Here we go with the sex comments again.  And this is “his” employee.  It’s totally inappropriate.  Just go on fucking Tinder.

I met my girlfriend from a job that I had but I waited until I was fired before I contacted her.  That’s the only way this should go down.  Dating  or having sex or whatever with somebody who you’re working with is a terrible idea, not just for the two of you, but for everybody else who has to watch this shit.  

There was a woman who was dating some guy at a job I had and they had a little fight and she was crying about it.  Unbelievable.  I don’t fucking care.  I’m here to work.  

Then there was a time when I asked a woman out who I was working with, because I thought that she was interested, but no.  She declined.  It turns out that she was just really, really friendly.  So then it was awkward as fuck seeing her after that.  I ended up having to quit not long after, partly because of this.

So it’s also bad for you.  Even if you do get into a relationship with somebody from work, is this relationship going to last forever?  It’s unlikely.  It’s going to end at some point.  And then what?  It’s awkward as fuck.  Somebody has to find another job after that.  

Anyway, then Mel says “lies” and laughs with her marijuana laugh.  Hehe.  This is so fucking gross.  I don’t even work there and I’m uncomfortable as fuck.  This is totally inappropriate.  Nobody wants to see this weird flirting.  Get the fuck out of here.  We’re here to work, Newt.  What do you want me to do?  Sweep the popcorn from the theatre?  Fine.  Anything to get the fuck out of here.

2:00 – Oh, this is part of Little Caesar’s “Hot and Ready” line.  Make a sex half-joke about this, Newt.  “Hey, Mel!  Are you hot and ready?”  Then she’d laugh with her marijuana laugh.  

3:45 – Newt says that he’s been working “open to close shifts” for the past two weeks so now he’s “burned out and in a rut.”  Then he talks about how he discusses this with his psychiatrist. 

This is definitely not how you get the ladies.  But this is the strategy that Newt is clearly employing.  He’s going the pity route.  “Please feel sorry for me and have sex with me.”  I really don’t think that it’s going to work.

Then Mel ends it by saying, “Laters”.  Some of that delicious stoner talk.

Little Caesars is probably the worst chain pizza place I’ve encountered.  I had it a lot as a kid because it was cheap.  

I used to deliver pizzas.  There’s no particular story associated with this, though.  I never had sex with any of the customers or anything like that.  That would have been a perfect Newt story.  But anyway, as a result of this experience, I always make sure to tip delivery drivers generously.  

In the 9th grade, there was a teacher who told a story about a pizza delivery man who ejaculated on a pizza and this resulted in the consumers having to get tested for AIDS or something.  This was a biology class, I think.  It was a fairly young teacher.  She must have just recently graduated.  

So then we were playing a game of Pictionary.  You had to draw on the chalkboard whatever was on your piece of paper and the other students had to guess what it is.  The things on the paper were all chosen by the students.  We were told, “Pick something that we learned in class.”  So, for example, you could have written “photosynthesis” and then the person would have drawn a sun and some plants and whatever, and the other students had to guess what it was.

Obviously, I wrote “masturbating on a pizza” on my slip.  

So the guy is at the chalkboard.  I’ll never forget this.  It was a Mexican guy.  His race isn’t important to the story, that’s just background.  He gets the strip.  He opens it up.  He’s looking at it for a while.  Then he starts laughing and he gives it to the teacher.  The teacher looks at it, gasps, gets really animated, and then throws it away.  People are asking what it is and she just says, “Something disgusting.”  Then the guy says, “I should have just drawn it.”

There was another time, again in the ninth grade, where we had to submit questions that we had.  About anything.  “About life” was the instruction given by the teacher.  She was some hippie, I guess.  Wanted to have a rap session with us.  

Oh my god, I remember who this woman was now.  It was a middle aged woman with giant breasts.  Not in any attractive way but I remember them being huge.  I made a joke to my friend that a small wheelbarrow would really help this woman.

So anyway, we have to write some questions about life.  I wrote a bunch of shit about jerking off, of course.  “Is masturbating a sport?  Could it be?  Do animals masturbate?”  Something weird like that.  For the sport, I was thinking like the first one who ejaculates wins.  

So she gets to my question, she’s looking at it for a while, and then she says, “This person really has some problems.”  I knew it was my question and I was fucking dying but I couldn’t laugh because it would give it away.  

Then she started talking about how the “experts” say that everyone masturbates but that Catholic teaching is that it’s a sin so it’s a difficult issue.  She didn’t have an answer.  I stumped her.  If everyone does something but it’s a sin, what does that mean for the catechism?  Everybody is just doomed to go to Hell?  Heaven is completely empty, bar Jesus?  Jesus is just chilling up there by himself?  And Jesus was half-man, so wasn’t he jerking off too?  So does this mean that not even Jesus is in Heaven?  Is any of this blasphemous?  This was a Catholic school, by the way.  

And as for animals, she just said that she didn’t know.  I guess that she never visited the monkey house at the zoo.

So anyway, that’s Newt Wallen and his Batman pizza.  Hopefully nobody jerked off on it because then he’d have to go to the doctor to have an AIDS test done.

8 thoughts on “NEWTrition. Its Newt Vs the Little Ceasers Batman Pizza – Newt Wallen

  1. I still find it funny that he had no choice but to beeline right to his safe space which is working at a theater again because it's the only chunk of his life he was apparently seemingly happy during.I think he thinks nobody keeps track of all this too, but he so publicly aired his shit over multiple youtube channels that he can't really claim he can't be read like a book at this point.

  2. It is what he has experience in. He's not going to get a job as an interior decorator or pilot or something. I'm surprised that he found a job so quickly. I don't think that the cinema industry is booming.

  3. Yeah but that's like saying you have experience in sitting around doing nothing or breathing. It's a job you have as a kid, not in your 40s lol.He found the job quickly because nobody wants to staff these places and he definitely doesn't work for some fancy theater in the city but some hole in the wall dive he found in PA that probably has multiple senior citizen nights or some horror movie night where he thinks he can rant about Swamp Zombies. You already see how he spends his time impressing teenagers to the point he's making youtube content from the job. It's real midlife crisis shit.

  4. He could find a job doing something else, despite most of his experience being this stuff also. He just didn't want to. He's in curl up in a ball mode and that's really why he defaulted to this life again.He's got experience on movie sets he could have tried pushing that more for example. I know he has some connections at least. But he's basically been blacklisted so this is the best he's going to get really. I think it has more to do with that than his experience.

  5. In an ideal world, perhaps you don't want to work in a movie theatre when you're older but you see this all of the time. You see people of all ages working at the grocery store, retail, whatever. It's probably not what these people want to do but it's a job and they're doing it. Maybe the industry that they have experience in no longer exists, maybe the factory or whatever closed, maybe they just never found a better job.I don't begrudge Newt for working in a cinema. I think it's much better than your suggestion that he tries to become a big Hollywood producer or even in any way being involved in film production. It's not going to happen. He should stop all of these madcap schemes like his shitty movie ideas and the comic book. He got a regular job. I say good for him. He also has experience in hotels. If he wanted to do that, that would be good too. Had he been doing these hotel or cinema jobs all along, he might have been a manager or something by now. But he gets side=tracked by this dumb bullshit like Shark Vampire.By all means, he can learn a trade or try to get a job in a different field but he has a job now, that's good, and he should continue it until he finds something better. Not ridiculous movie making stuff, though.

  6. Oh no, you misunderstood. I meant this entirely from the perspective of things he wants to do. Like he wants to work on movies, but he's terrible at it.He wants to work at a theater. It's not just because he has no other option lol.

  7. Also I do begrudge him because if I didn't know him by now I wouldn't have any opinion, but now that I know how full of shit he is and how much of a simp for Horseface he still is, and how he's basically reverted back to the life he had in the early 2000s all over again….it's absolutely pathetic and not worthy of pity, support, or understanding.I get it. He got burned by Screenwave a bit and I think they overreacted a bit too. But he's gone about adjusting to it with about as much grace as Horseface talking about female actresses she wants to fuck and how much she “looooooves” them. Absolutely none of this is praise worthy at all lol.

  8. So if you ever thought I was suggesting he become a “big Hollywood producer” I apologize. Newt being a producer LOL. Hilarious nonsense. The dude wishes he was Len Kabasinski, who already makes shit films. Doesn't get much bottom barrel than aspiring that.

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