THE BATMAN Review – Newt Wallen

I didn’t even know that a Batman movie was being released.

People make fun of old people for being out of touch with technology and popular culture but I understand now why these old people become so out of touch.  You reach a point where you don’t give a shit about any of this.  

Take Batman movies, for example.  I was interested in new Batman movies coming out right up until I was about…16?  Something like this.  The second movie was out and by the time that third one with Mr Freeze came out, I stopped giving a shit.  

I don’t think that it’s because the franchise declined (although, that clearly happened with the third movie) but it’s just the genre.  Normal adults don’t give a shit about superhero movies.  You lose interest in this stuff.  

It’s the same with popular tv shows.  You don’t keep up with this shit as you get older because you don’t care.  “Everybody” (dimwits under 30) was talking about Honey Boo Boo for a while and then they moved on to the next thing.  A healthy person doesn’t keep with this stuff because it’s trash.

But for a young person, this is all new and they’ve got nothing else going on in their lives, so this is what they’re interested in.  It’s fine for young people but…why is Newt, a 40 year old man, at all interested in this stuff?  It’s not the sign of a healthy adult.

0:15 – Newt says that he saw the movie with some “new friends and old friends and employees”.  He goes on to say that somebody had invited him to attend a press screening of this movie two weeks earlier but he declined because he wanted to see it with his friends.  He’s a real man of the people, this Newt Wallen.  No press screenings for him.

Who the fuck is inviting Newt Wallen to a press screening?  Is he a member of the press?  

“Hey, let’s invite that guy who plagiarised scripts for the Angry Video Game Guy.”

“You mean that guy who was on Talking About Tapes, that Youtube show that gets 15,000 views an episode?”

“Yeah!  But he’s not on there any more.  He’s doing his own thing now where he reviews movies in his kitchen and gets 3,000 views on average.”

“Holy shit.  We have to get this guy.  Send the invitation.”

0:45 – Shout out to Newt’s bladder.  Eugh.

3:15 – Newt is talking about how he’s 40 and therefore interested in leaving a legacy.

I don’t think this is anything to do with age.  I have no interest in leaving some shit movie and/or comic book as my “legacy” or anything similar.  If you’re doing something with your life, you don’t care about that.  If Newt got his life together, all of this bullshit about bad movies and bad comics would go away.  He’d be too busy living his life in a contented fashion.  

5:15 – Newt talks about how Gotham is inspired by New York City.  You don’t say.  Wow.  Newt must be a real Batman expert.  

Maybe he was just talking about the movie’s version of the city but…even then.  It’s obviously New York.  It would be noteworthy if the city DIDN’T look like New York.

What about Mega City 1 from Judge Dredd?  Is New York officially a part of that city or is it just implied?  Let me look this up.

Yeah, it’s official.  The entire “East Coast” comprises the city.

I used to really like Judge Dredd as a kid, which is odd because the comic wasn’t even sold in the US, until late in my comic book collecting days when it came to DC.  But by then, the series was no good.  

I liked reading the comics from these companies who I never heard of.  I remember Fleetway was one of them.  And Quality.  And for a while, they published under Fleetway/Quality.  There must have been a merger.  There was also another company…oh, Eagle.  

I also got a copy of 2000AD.  This was a newspaper sold in the UK.  It’s Judge Dredd and associated comics (Sam Slade: Robot Hunter and whoever else) but it’s in the form of a newspaper.  And it’s on really shitty newsprint.  It’s interesting that this sort of thing was being sold and people bought it.

The Dollar Store is where I got my first Judge Dredd comic.  They were three for a dollar.  Then later, I bought an assortment of like 50 Judge Dredd comics from some mail order company for probably $25 or something.  There were duplicates but no more than three each.  They gave a good range of the comics.  

It’s just an odd English thing that I was interested in for reasons that I don’t understand.  I wasn’t interested in any other English shit.

9:30 – Newt tells a story about what he was doing when he got the news that Kurt Cobain died.  He was riding his bicycle.  Well, they can’t all be great stories.

Oh, he’s just going over what happened in the movie, by the way.  This happened, then this happened, then this happened.

I don’t know.  It seems like there’s a need for some of this, because not everybody saw the movie, but I just find myself zoning out.  Tony from Summarise does the same thing, of course.

17:45 – Shout out to Calendar Man.  What?  I never heard of this.  I’ll look it up.

First appearance was in 1958.  This one just passed me by, I guess.  I didn’t read much Batman, though.  Or DC in general.  Or comics.  I bought them but I just put them in bags, hoping to save them for my retirement.  It didn’t pan out.  I read Spider-Man for a few years, though.  The three main titles of the time: Amazing, Spectacular, and Web of.

20:30 – Newt give the film a B- and says, “Pee before you go in.”

Newt, we do not need to hear about your bladder issues.  And don’t assume that we all have bladder issues.

Here’s the part of the blog where I boast about my urinating records.  I used to drive 18 straight hours on trips across the US and I didn’t want to stop to urinate because there was no time.  I was trying to do all of this in one day so that I didn’t have to stay in a hotel.  So I didn’t.  No urinating all day.  

This was years ago but I think that I could still do it.  Whenever I’m out on a date or something, the lady will often go to the toilet after the meal or after the movie or whatever.  But I don’t do that. I don’t need to.  I can wait.  

You see this on trains as well.  People using the toilets on trains.  I’ve never used a train toilet in my life and I take trains a lot.  For many hours sometimes.  I can hold it.  

Also, at work, I think that most people will urinate during the day but I rarely do.  If I have the time after lunch or whatever, and I’m bored, I’ll go but it’s not necessary.  I can easily wait until I’m home.  

So I don’t know.  Is there something to this?  Does having an exceptionally strong bladder mean something?  It’s a testament to my great strength and virility, I guess.

21:15 – Newt says that he got home at 5.00 am yesterday because he was working so late.  How is it possible?  When is his job supposed to finish?  

People talk about “salaried” jobs and how you don’t have a set work schedule.  You only leave when the job is done.  Or something.  I have no idea how it works.  I never had a job like that.  

But there’s no way that an assistant manager in a theatre is this sort of job.  When it’s time to leave, you leave.  It’s not complicated stuff.

Newt then shows the whiteboard where “his” staff drew a picture of the people who work there.  They’re stick figures.  Newt says that he made himself have a frowny face because “I’m a frowny boy.”

Please love me, ladyboys of Twitter.  I’m so lonely.  Horseface McGee isn’t returning my calls.

4 thoughts on “THE BATMAN Review – Newt Wallen

  1. You know I didn't piece it together until now, but Newt really must have some kind of bladder problem. Either that or he's retarded and doesn't piss before filming.I've seen a number of Hack vids with him in it and he actually mentions that he has to get up and pee in like at least 50% of his appearances on that show. I kept thinking “wait was it him? Or was it a guest sometimes and not Newt every time? No it actually was Newt every time. What the fuck?”It seemed like Tony and them were fine with it mostly and just ribbed him a couple times, but if it's this prevalent they might have honestly been getting pretty fed up with it and just couldn't scold him that badly on video.Either way. Newt doesn't take good care of himself and is prone to accidents already, so he probably does have a bladder problem.Also yes, Judge Dredd and that whole setting are really cool. I was reading comics like that and Spawn a lot in the 90s.

  2. this vid about cinemassacre just showed up on my feed. is a comment from Khal Drogo23″I didnt reallt get retirment vibes like alot of you are saying. That seemed more like a taking a moment reflecting back on all his work. A celebration sort of. Im sure he will put more avgn video out in the future. I think he is taking a haitus for now “cinemassacre fans' comments are notorious for aging like egg rotting out in the desert's scorching summer sun. but this one stands out as ridiculous, even compared to what you'd expect to find. what work? celebration for what? and they're still hoping for avgn videos, are they watching them, the usual commentary is how they like enjoying the earlier videos, not the vomit that they started cranking out in the last 10 years. no one cares about it anymore, they are just watching it purely out of brand loyalty

  3. I was going to do a review of that video but I can't watch it. I got about five minutes in. Two hours of listening to “Lady” “Emily” speaking a thousand miles a minute. No fucking way.

  4. You definitely did yourself a favor.I tried clicking through and half the time that tranny was trying to win a melodrama award and putting out “I'm 16 years old” vibes. It was embarrassing.

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