Licorice Pizza is a love letter to directionlessness – Newt Wallen

He might actually start keeping these videos up so I’ll put the title in the description.

0:00 – “I just came in from a fucking torrential downpour.”

Here’s a crazy idea, Newt.  Dry yourself off, change your clothes, and THEN make the video.  You don’t have to make the video right after you step into your home.  

0:30 – “My mom likes black liquorice.  Does anybody else like black liquorice?”

Finally, a topic that I’m interested in.

It really depends on the liquorice in question.  The shit that they sell in the US, yeah, it’s all shit.  But it’s a more nuanced situation when you’re talking about liquorice found in Northern Europe, where black liquorice is popular.  I can’t really comment on Southern Europe.  It’s not particularly popular in the UK.  

I try to appreciate it.  I got a bag of Katja Banana liquorice from the Netherlands.  It’s liquorice  in the shape of monkey heads.  The top half of the monkey’s head is black (like liquorice) and the bottom half is yellow (like banana).  I ate two and then I gave the bag to my girlfriend.  It’s inedible.  I thought that the banana would help but it doesn’t.

But I do find that black liquorice with a flavoured centre helps.  Like a stick of liquorice with a lemon centre or something. 

Liquorice pipes are also good.  They’re hard to find in these enlightened times but I’ve eaten them since I was a kid and I never took up pipe smoking.  

Salty liquorice is another popular treat in Northern Europe.  I don’t believe that the average American or even the average British person is familiar with this confectionary.  I’ve had loads of this stuff, though.  I like some varieties and flavours but others are completely inedible.  Find the one that works for you.  None of it tastes like liquorice, though.  It has it’s own flavour.  Some are, “Well, this is tolerable.  I can do this.  This is probably good for me.” but others are so bad that you immediately spit them out like poison.

4:30 – “It’s been happening a lot more recently.  I’ve been thinking about somebody who we don’t speak to each other any more.”

He’s referring to Crystal Quin and somehow comparing his relationship with her to the relationship that the people in this movie have.  

Newt…get the fuck over it.  It’s Horseface McGee.  She’s AWFUL.  She’s a horrible, horrible person.  What the fuck is the appeal?  

6:30 – “It’s like me.  I’m 40 years old and I’m starting my whole life over again and that isn’t the first time this is happening.”

Yeah.  You’ve changed jobs fairly frequently.  As have most people.  The era when people did the same job for 40 years and then retired is long over.  Take it up with the billionaire capitalists and their crony politicians who allowed the entire manufacturing base to move to Mexico and then China.  

He worked at Screenwave for what?  A year?  Two years?  Who gives a shit?  Find another shitty job.  You’ve already done so.  What’s the problem?

7:45 – “In Hollywood, you fail upwards.  I would love to do that.”

More of this fucking bullshit.  Like he’s the only person with problems.

And let’s look at this.  His problem is that he plagiarised wholesale a number of scripts for Monster Madness.  It’s not the crime of the century but he was rightly fired.  And HE did this.  Nobody told him to plagiarise these fucking scripts.  If the work was too much, he should have said something.  “I can’t write 20 scripts for 20 movies in a month while also doing everything else that I have to do.”  Surely, they would have lessened his workload.

Yes, James Rolfe should have also been released as a client of Screenwave and maybe other people at Screenwave should have been reprimanded in some way.  This clearly wasn’t all Newt’s fault.  Numerous people can share the blame on this ridiculous bullshit where Jimmy Rolfe hires somebody to write his opinions on movies that he didn’t even see.  

And yes, the homosexuals on Reddit went after this because they’re pathetic degenerates with nothing going on in their miserable lives.

But Newt did the fucking plagiarising.  I mean, he didn’t even change the words around like a normal plagiariser would do.  He just ripped this shit off verbatim.  That’s stupid.  And it’s not like this is Newt’s first time plagiarising.  He should know how it’s done by now.  Get a fucking thesaurus out, change a few words, and you’re done.  Nobody would have caught him had he done that.  

He has this “woe is me” attitude for something that HE did.  And what happened to him isn’t even a big deal.  So he can’t be on Talking About Tapes any more.  Who gives a fuck?  Nobody watches that.  He lost his job at Screenwave.  He immediately found another job, which I assume pays a comparable rate.  Horseface McGee isn’t talking to him.  That’s the best thing that ever could have happened to him.  She’s completely deplorable.

What the fuck is the problem?  Just move on with your life.  Send some resumes to some hotels.  You have the hotel experience.  Get a normal fucking job.  Fuck this, “I want to make an intentionally bad movie because I am an art-eest” bullshit.  You’re wasting your time with that.

9:00 – “I’m not a very good writer so it doesn’t matter.”

Yeah.  We know.  We’ve seen your ideas.  Shark Dracula.  Do something else.  Don’t pursue this.  There’s nothing wrong with working in a fucking hotel.  Or do whatever the fuck you want.  Get a job in an office.  Learn a trade.  

9:45 – “I’ve hated myself a lot more than people on Reddit have hated me.”

Newt should do a review show called Fretting About Films.  Or Moaning About Movies.  Or Snivelling About Cinema.  You get a movie review but it’s interspliced with Newt bitching about his life.

Like he’s the only one with fucking problems.  We all have problems.  We don’t go to the internet and whine about it.  Here’s an idea: solve the fucking problems.  You know, like a man would do.  

Then he gets these replies from people with names like Friendly Neighborhood Transgender Vampire talking about how awesome he is and he should keep following his dreams and how we all love these wimpy videos where he sits in his kitchen and talks about movies and feels sorry for himself.

These people do not have Newt’s best interests at heart.  No sane, rational person hears “Shark Vampire” and says, “You should pursue that dream.”  Newt’s ideas are fucking stupid.  In the extreme.  He needs to get a regular job like a regular person.  He is not an artist.  Any time, effort, and/or money spent on shit like Shark Vampire is a complete and total waste.

2 thoughts on “Licorice Pizza is a love letter to directionlessness – Newt Wallen

  1. That movie is definitely not what I would recommend a person with obvious depression and possibly a personality disorder be watching lol. I can see how it reminded him of his weird ship with Horseface based on what little I know of the plot.Also speaking of her, have you seen the post from Sept 11 of this year she has pinned at the top of her Twitter? Obviously its a somber day each year in the U.S. and people typically either show respect or don't say much at this point, but for some bizarre attention seeking reason she tweeted “All I want is spooky shit and sex” on that day specifically this year.Classy and demented moment.

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