https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rKlYJ7Ewek
Where to begin with this? Well, first I should explain how I discovered this and what relevance it has to the blog.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIjHoEcOzTc
In the above video, at 32:00 Kieran is joking with Tony from Hack the Movies about how the two of them get intimate with each other on camera. As you do.
Then Tony from Hack the Movies says that he almost did a sex scene with Justin Silverman. Nothing weird so far.
Then at 32:45, Tony says, “I was in a gay sex scene in a short film.” Then he says, “Please don’t release that footage.” He goes on to give the name of the movie and Kieran suggests what search terms people could use to try to find this.
This is all normal stuff. I mean, who hasn’t done a gay sex scene?
So I went to Tony’s IMDB profile, hoping to find some information on this totally normal thing, and I saw that he has a role in an upcoming film: Daisy Derkins & The Dinosaur Apololypse. He’s appearing as Mummy Cop, which is his shitty webseries or something that he did.
Incidentally, during this discussion about sex scenes, Tony says that he also had a sex scene in Mummy Cop, but that it was mostly filmed with two action figures. And he kissed his co-star in this thing but he was wearing his mummy mask at the time. Nevertheless, his girlfriend at the time, who was totally real, became insanely jealous.
So I decided to check out this Daisy Derkins movie. If it has Mummy Cop in it, you know it’s going to be good.
That’s the first site that I found. It’s from 2019. It shows the trailer. And the guy who wrote this article sort of reviews the trailer. He says, “It’s as campy and no-budget as you would expect, and even sent me on a trip down memory lane when I made films like this in middle school.”
How bad can it be? So I checked out the trailer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rKlYJ7Ewek
It’s some of the worst shit I’ve ever seen in my life. There’s insanely repetitive music that plays throughout this that’s just “Daisy kicks ass” over and over and over again.
It’s some fucking wrestling thing. And there are some fat women in skimpy outfits. There’s really bad fight scenes. The late Nikolai Volkai, who was barely mobile at the time, appears briefly.
No dinosaurs, by the way. There are supposed to be dinosaurs but I guess they hadn’t filmed the dinosaurs yet. They didn’t have the budget.
It’s written and directed by a guy named Mark Mackner, who lives in Philadelphia. So what he did was start a GoFund me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2clUNPlGw-A
He names a couple of other movies that he’s made. One is called Daisy Derkins: Dog Sitter of the Damned.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Daisy-Derkins-Dog-Sitter-Damned/dp/B00RZXWVEI.
So this is an earlier film in this series. Two people give reviews, neither favourable.
He also says that he made a film starring the late wrestler and murderer Jimmy Snuka, and he holds up an action figure of Mr Snuka to illustrate who he’s talking about. I can’t find any footage of that movie that has Snuka in it.
So this guy says that he’s making a movie that combines four of his big passions of his life: horror, wrestling, dinosaurs, and death metal.
1:00 – He needs $1500 to rent some wrestling arena to film the third act. “There’s also time travel stuff going on there.”
1:15 – He also needs money to pay for King Kong Bundy. King Kong Bundy died in 2019 but Nikolai Volkoff died in 2018. This video was released in 2017 and they obviously went with Nikolai Volkoff. I don’t know if it’s because King Kong Bundy was in poor health or they couldn’t get any money to pay for him.
1:30 – He also needs money to pay for the “tight-u-lar” character, who is played by Nadia White. She’s a porn star, apparently.
https://www.iafd.com/person.rme/perfid=nadiawhite/gender=f/nadia-white.htm
Oh, yeah. This looks legitimate. Big Tit Blondes Love it Black, Booty Assassin 2, Double Anal Fun, Gangbang Creampie, Transsexual Girls Orgy Bang Busty Babe.
https://twitter.com/nadiawhitexxx
She says that she’s a GG Allin tribute artist. Interesting. Does she mean the singing or the poop eating or what?
Anyway, I found it odd that this guy couldn’t pronounce “titular” given this porn star thing.
The guy is creepy as fuck and not a salesman.
So here’s his Indiegogo:
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/daisy-derkins-and-the-dinosaur-apocalypse#/
He’s looking for $5000. How much did he raise? NOTHING! NOT ONE RED CENT!
Somehow, he still got the money to make this piece of shit. Here are the opening credits:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ib3CkzOh1w
The trailer was totally bereft of dinosaurs but the above video is chock full of dinosaurs. I think that all of the footage is stolen from other movies.
By the way, Mummy Cop doesn’t appear in any of this promotional material, as far as I can tell.
The movie is having its grand premiere on 14 November at the Tattooed Mom.
What’s the Tattooed Mom? “A relaxed hipster bar”. Yeah.
These people are completely delusional. And they seem to gravitate to each other. You have Tony, Kieran, Justin, Newt, James Rolfe, and this Mark guy. They all create shit films that nobody wants to see and they all know each other.
What’s the point? Why don’t they try to make GOOD movies? Or are they? Do they think that shit is good?
I think that they might. This Mark guy seemed genuinely excited about everything. Jimmy Rolfe talks about his awful movies like they’re treasured masterpieces.
And it’s interesting that Mark’s films are very similar to Jimmy Rolfe’s. They both just throw as many idiotic ideas into the movie as possible as a substitute for a good script. I wonder how many years of special education Mark had.
What was Slacker’s budget? $23,000. That was in 1990 so adjust for inflation but still within reach. It’s probably less than what Jimmy got for the AVGN Movie.
Following was $6,000. So maybe a similar budget to this Daisy Derkins thing.
What was that Andy Warhol movie with a naked guy on a sofa for 90 minutes? I’m thinking that somebody like Tony from Hack the Movies might like to make a movie along these lines. I saw it because I’m comfortable with my sexuality.
Flesh. Yeah. Wikipedia gives a 1968 budget of $4,000.
Or maybe I’m thinking of the sequel, Trash. That had a $25,000 budget.
I saw the whole trilogy, to be honest. I’m comfortable saying that. The third one was a fucking vampire movie for some reason. It was a real departure from the naked man on sofa plot of the first two.
Anyway, the point is that you can make good films on a low budget. But these assholes don’t do it. They make bad movies on a low budget. Nobody wants to see that. So do something else with your time.
That trailer made me want to die.Also if you pause it at 1:11 you can see Tony in the audience on the right
Oh yeah. Good Tony spotting.