Kenner Aliens Toys – Pegwarmers

The intro was so awkward, that I decided that I had to watch this.  Tony from Hack the Movies is the special guest.  Well, the extra special guest.  The special guest is some other guy who’s appeared in a few of these before.  I’m not sure if he can officially be called a co-host.

Here’s the problem with these two non-Tony guys: they’re giant nerds.  I saw some other episode with these guys in them and they seem like pleasant people and I was moderately interested in what they had to say but they’re giant fucking nerds.  They’ve traded women and a normal life for TOYS.  

It’s sad.  And it wasn’t inevitable.  They chose this.  

You can only work with what you’re given.  Some people are more attractive than others.  Some people are slimmer than others.  Some people are more or less autistic than others.  

These are obstacles but they’re not insurmountable.  That fat guy hosting this can easily shave his beard or at least trim it down.  He chose to grow that nerd beard out.  He can also lose weight.  He can also work on his social skills.  And instead of wasting his money on toys, he can spend it on fixing up motorcycles.  Or just put it in the bank.  Or invest it in mutual funds.  

Then the next thing you know, he’s a normal guy with a normal girlfriend.  

He chose all of this.  He’s wasting his life.  He says that he has a girlfriend but, being as sensitive about this as possible, what has to be wrong with her that she’d go out with this guy?  

So let’s get into this.  Kenner Aliens Toys.  Remember Aliens?  No.  Well, I do but I never saw any of the movies.  Or had the toys.  I don’t even remember the toys.  So *nostalgia* can’t do any of the heavy lifting for this one.  It’s all down the charisma of our three panel members.

It starts with a preview of the “cringe” to come.  Tony is making some kind of jokes and the two awkward nerds just react awkwardly.  It’s just bad.  

Part of the problem is Tony.  He was making jokes about girls not talking to him in high school.  And the nerds just looked awkward.  

Don’t make these sorts of comments around these guys.  Don’t talk about women.  They don’t like that.  It makes them self-conscious.  Just talk about the fucking toys.

So this guy Mike, who I think is about 45, single, and worked in IT, is sitting next to an Alf plush.  Hey guys!  Remember Alf?  I do.  It was that children’s show from the 1980s.  I enjoyed it.  But I’m an adult living in 2021.  I don’t give a shit about Alf any more.

3:45 – Mike says that he owns Star Wars toys that were owned by Leonardo DiCaprio. 

Uh huh.  Oh, there actually is something about this.  He does apparently collect action figures and he auctioned off 150 Star Wars figures in 2006.

Well, maybe if you look like a young Leonardo DiCaprio, you can collect toys and also have sex with women.  But for the average guy?  No.  The toys have to go.

9:45 – Newt keeps interrupting AND HE’S NOT EVEN ON THE SHOW.  He’s apparently the producer.  This is the SECOND time this has happened.  I was going to let it go but this is now twice.  We can’t even hear what the fuck he’s saying because he doesn’t have a microphone.  At least edit this shit out.

God, this is so amateur.  He just keeps going and we have NO IDEA what he’s saying.  Doesn’t he know this?

13:45 – Mike makes a reference to “Club Kids from the 90s”  They were all gay.  Flamboyant gay men with names like Paul the Pee Drinker.  This is not a reference that he should be making.

14:30 – The host (Kevin?) says that he was babysitting his girlfriend’s son.  Now we’re starting to get a picture of what kind of woman would go out with this guy.  Once a woman has children, her standards suddenly drop.  Or, to put it another way, she realises that her value in the dating market has dropped.


18:30 – Newt says something AGAIN.  I’m about to turn this shit off.  The people who actually have microphones and we can hear are fine.  But having Newt interrupt with this totally inaudible bullshit is insufferable.  How can he not know that this doesn’t work?  I know NOTHING about podcasts or broadcasting or anything along these lines but I know that we can’t hear anything that anyone says unless they microphones.  This is four fucking times now.  Next time it happens, I’m done.

19:15 – That didn’t take long.  Done.  Fuck Newt.

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