Van Helsing (2004) is Lame! – Talking About Tapes – Tony from Hack the Movies

The triumphant return of Newt.  But also…eugh…Crystal Quin.  I’ll do my best.

0:45 – Newt is talking about his medical condition.  

Newt: I woke up on Friday 13 and the left side of my face was completely paralysed.

Crystal: Eww.

What a giant fucking scumbag.  How much more superficial can anyone possibly be?  He’s talking about having some sort of medical scare and all Crystal can think about is, “Ewww…he’s not hot any more.”  Go fuck yourself, you Rocky Dennis-looking bitch.  

Then Newt describes himself as being “crippy-faced”.  He can go fuck himself too.

Just because something happens to you, it doesn’t give you free reign to make insulting jokes about it.  Because not everything is about you, you self-absorbed cretin.  You’re not the only person on earth who has medical problems.  People with Bell’s palsy or who had a stroke or whatever the issue is are watching this piece of shit and then feeling bad about themselves.  “Oh, I guess I’m crippy-faced too.”  He’s an asshole.  

1:00 – Then they show a clip of Tony behaving like an asshole to Newt when his face was paralysed.  It’s a trio of assholes on this show.  This is not appealing.  People don’t want to watch one asshole, let alone three of them.  

Can’t they get rid of these people?  I mean, I suppose that you have to discard the entire cast.  But that’s the only way that this can really work. It’s difficult to change your personality.  You can’t just say to someone, “Hey, stop being an asshole.”  They’ve internalised it.  It’s who they are.  It’s hard to change.

Who would my Talking About Tapes dream team be?  Well, obviously that chubby Asian woman.  I don’t know anything about her other than she’s chubby and Asian but that passes the Gamer Grrls test.  

Then what about that “Italian” woman?  Not because of her appearance, the horntards always talk about how hot she is, and she is an attractive woman, but she gets my endorsement because I’ve never heard her say anything objectionable.  With these Screenwave losers, you can’t expect good.  The best you can hope for is the absence of bad.

Then rounding out the trio…maybe a guy…hmm…slim pickings.  When Justin is with a woman on these things, for example the Rental Reviews with Erin, he’s basically just another woman there.  He doesn’t give any kind of masculine opinion.  So he’s out.  Jimmy…fuck no.  Oh, maybe that nerd guy from OverAnalyzers is free and still lives in the area.  Not the bearded guy but the other guy.  He was okay.

1:15 – Then Crystal…I don’t even want to repeat this.  But she says bizarre, insensitive shit to Newt.  Fucking horse-faced bitch.

1:45 – Tony says that the Ginger Snaps episode “under-performed”.  He says shit like this a lot.  The difference in views among all of these videos is marginal but he thinks that he’s some kind of a Youtube “professional” so his data analysis is important.

By the way, Tony should be thankful that this Ginger Snaps video “underperformed”.  This was the AWFUL video with Johanna and Crystal in it where they were UNBELIEVEABLY obnoxious.  I couldn’t even make it ten minutes into that shit.  Totally unwatchable.

2:00 – Then there’s footage from some dumb skit of two werewolves.  I think that one of them is Crystal, judging from the attire (or lack thereof).  

It’s just so bad.  All of this is bad.  Why is he doing these dumb skits?  They don’t add anything.  

And why is the lighting so dark?  Well…maybe I shouldn’t complain about that one.  It makes a slight improvement to Miss Quin’s appearance.

2:15 – Tony says that he hired an exterminator to get rid of the werewolves outside of the store.  I know that this is stupid but there’s a reason that I’m going over this.  Crystal then says, “An exterminator is going to take care of the –?”

She’s right.  It doesn’t make sense.  This wouldn’t be a job for an exterminator.  This would be an animal control situation.  Your local city government should be able to sort you out.  They either have an animal control worker on staff or they’ll liaise with such a professional.  Exterminators don’t deal with anything bigger than a rat.

3:00 – Crystal is talking about “sexy” actors and actresses who she wants to have sex with…

Get the message.  We don’t want this shit.  If Crystal can’t get this through her prodigious cranium, maybe Tony can get the message.  Get rid of her.  What aren’t you getting?  She’s awful.  

8:00 – Crystal claims to have watched this movie after “Doing an 18 hour day.”

Doing what?  Letting children ride on her back at the carnival?  When are they going to outlaw that shit?

17:00 – Newt tells a long story about going to Hollywood to sell a script (or something) and ends up watching gay porn with a bunch of guys.  I don’t know.  I’ve totally tuned out.  I’m playing Dungeon Crawl.  Anyone play that?  I like playing it while listening to god awful podcasts.

Oh, speaking of which, while I remember, I tried to watch the latest Cinemassacre Podcast where they talk about aliens.  Wholly unwatchable.  I made it ten minutes.  And I wasn’t even watching for the purposes of writing a review.  I was trying to do this for my own “enjoyment”.  No.  There’s no enjoyment to be found in that shit.  I didn’t even make it ten minutes before I had to shut it off.

41:45 – Oh, Crystal is talking about a hot chick who she wants to have sex with.  Great.

You know what I’d like to see some time?  A rebuttal from any of these hot chicks.  Would THEY want to have sex with CRYSTAL QUIN?  I’m thinking no.

44:30 – More of this dumb skit.  Crystal is making out with Newt, I guess.  They’re both in werewolf masks.  Then that “Italian” woman enters, wearing some leather outfit, and draws a sword.  Then there’s some bad…what do I even call this?  There’s just bad everything.

You know what?  I don’t want to watch this any more.  I don’t even know what they’re talking about.  I’m not listening to this shit.

Thumbs down for me.  I’m the 62nd person to do so.  

Somebody in the comments makes a nerdy and insensitive wrestling comment.  They say that Newt should cosplay as Jim Ross.  Somebody else suggests that Crystal should be Kane, for reasons that I don’t understand.  I’m thinking that Crystal would be a better Mantaur.

– “There are probably hundreds of sites you can watch this (or any other movie) for free.”

It’s true.  This is something that they always talk about, and it was discussed in this episode.  “I rented it from Amazon!” and whatever.  Are they really this fucking stupid?  They don’t know about torrents?  They don’t know about streaming video sites?  If they want to get it legitimately, fine.


This guy honestly expects to get a date out of this.  Think about the crazy nightmare world that this guy must live in.

– “I can’t watch when newt is on…. I watch all the episodes without him and they’re great. It’s unfortunate that he had what he had and I wish him well.”

I don’t know.  I’m starting to feel that way myself.  Just the association with Crystal is enough to make him dislikeable to me.  Crystal is a dislikeable blackhole.  Anyone in her orbit becomes dislikeable.  

1:18:00 – Yeah, here’s an example of what I mean.  Some horntard time-stamped this.  Newt says that some character is similar to himself in that he’s “hung like a moose.”  Then moose-head Crystal gives him an obnoxious, exaggerated expression, as she’s wont to do.

I don’t want any of this.  I don’t want to know about Newt’s sex life.  I’m sorry.  Does anyone?  Review the fucking movie, you faggot.  It’s not difficult.  Especially the way Tony does it.  Just go over the plot points.  We don’t need to know about the size of your genitals.  

And he’ll talk about all of the hot girlfriends he’s had and all of the sexy stuff that he does to the ladies.  Why?  Why is any of this happening?  These are movie reviews.  Start a separate series where you talk about your sex life.  See how under-performing that goes, in every sense of the word.  

That’s the answer.  Get Newt and Crystal on their own channel.  I don’t to watch these assholes.  Let them talk about hot chicks and gas prices and what state the viewers are from.  

Wouldn’t you rather see this:

That’s from the video where “real people” talked about some console shit.  They were all Screenwave employees or various hangers on.

She was also in the AVGN episode where they did a parody of Masterchef.  She was making excrement.  Unfortunately (or fortunately) I can’t find that video.

And it’s not just the chubby Asian aspect.  She’s one of the few people in that video who doesn’t come off as a giant douchebag.  She’s keeping it real.  And you can even hear it in the accent.  It’s gritty.  It’s street.  And yet, she’s also polite and well-mannered.  She’s folding her hands.  She says things like, “I don’t care for it”.  She knows that just because you’re from an urban, working class background doesn’t mean you have to be some crude, uncultured jackass. 

So there it is.  There’s your replacement for Crystal Quin.  She’s not going to talk about hot chicks and how everybody wants to have sex with her.  She’s more sensible than that.  She’s classier than that.  She has contributions to make that people actually want to hear.  Relevant contributions.  Intelligent contributions.  

You’d also get some fucking diversity on the show.  Bring you into the 21st century.  

Or maybe she’d completely suck ass.  But I know one thing for certain: she couldn’t possibly be any worse than Crystal Quin.  Fucking get rid of Horse Face McGee and her 18 hour work days down at the carnival.  She needs to be put out to pasture.  Let her live out the rest of her days soaking up the sunshine down at the ranch.  Chewing on hay the way God intended.  

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