Gamer Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9HhxlSVnQo 

As an experiment, I sometimes just click through at random spots in Erin’s videos and she’s almost always saying that she doesn’t know what’s going on or she’s complaining about how bad she’s doing in the game.  I tried that with this video and yeah, that’s what this is.  That’s what all of her videos are like.  The streams, anyway.  Let me show you what I mean.  I’ll just click randomly and type out what she’s saying.

6:15 – “How the fuck did I get that?  I got lucky.”

10:30 – “Right?  Right when I got the powerup, I died.”

13:45 – “Yeah, motherfucker.  Die, bitch.  Oh.  Instead, I died.”

17:45 – “I was going to say, that’s way too fast.  Oh my god.  I’m dead.”

22:00 – (she dies) “Oh!  I was trying to grab the thing.”

28:30 – “You know what?  I’m doing so bad.  Oh my god.”

32:30 – “He sounds like a goat.  You know those goats that just scream?”

These timestamps were all chosen totally at random.  And I didn’t omit any.  I went to seven random points in the video, and these were the seven comments that were made.  

Do I really want to watch this?  It’s just Erin, playing the game, poorly, for the first and last time ever.  And she complains about how poorly she’s doing.  Why would ANYONE want to watch this?  

I mean, I’ll give it a try but I almost never get past the ten minute mark.  It’s just fucking relentless stupidity from her.

0:00 – “What games make me rage quit?  Well, I was talking about Dark Castle earlier.  I’d say that one.  That one was probably the most upsetting.”

She’s clearly talking about a stream that she did but I didn’t see it.  Is this even a game?  I never heard of it and when I DuckDuckGo’d it, the only result is a black and white Macintosh game from 1986.  She can’t be talking about that.  

But yeah.  Erin doesn’t really rage quit.  In order to rage quit, you have to actually play games in your spare time.  When Erin rage quits, the stream ends.  She doesn’t really do that.  And if she were to do that, that would be a single instance of rage quitting.  She can’t possibly rage quit more than once on any game because she only plays these games once, on stream, for money, and then never again.

Don’t these people watch the fucking streams?  They can’t see what’s going on?  SHE DOESN’T PLAY GAMES, YOU SIMPLETONS!  Put your penis away and start using whatever mental capacity you have to good use.

Oh, Erin is still standing, by the way.  It’s been…what…two weeks?  Three weeks?  Is this just what she’s going to do now?  She hasn’t sat down in two or three weeks?  At what point do you see a doctor?  If this injury is real, she’s a total moron.

Also, she mentioned at the start of the video that she was playing this game during a “variety stream” and decided to dedicate a full stream to it.  This stream.  Everything has to be done on stream, for money.  She’s probably going to make a Youtube video of this later, quite possibly just rehashing footage from the streams.

1:30 – “Look at that.  There’s cavemen and they’re jumping.  It kind of reminds me of the flea men in Castlevania.”  

Oh.  Castlevania reference.  I never tire of those.  Any references to games you haven’t played on stream, for money?  Of course not.  Such a game doesn’t exist.

1:45 – “I’m not just saying that because of Castlevania, like I live, eat, and breathe those games.”

Oh yeah.  You’re hardcore, Erin.  You’ve played Castlevania night and day for decades.

Wait.  That’s not right.  She has NEVER played ANY Castlevania game AT ALL in her spare time.  NOT ONCE.  But she has played these games on stream, for money.  Usually just once.  Castlevania III is the only game that she’s played on stream, for money multiple times.

2:45 – She’s talking about the credit system in this game.  It’s like a port of an arcade game.  

I’m reminded of the time when Erin was playing a game and said, “‘Player 2, press start?  What does that mean?”  What a “gamer”.

She has absolutely NO IDEA what’s going on in this game, by the way.

4:15 – “That’s interesting, Shishi.”

I wonder what he said.  Maybe something about his fondness for anime.

She keeps complaining about how poorly she’s doing and that she needs powerups, et cetera but the game has unlimited continues.  It’s an arcade game and as long as you keep putting quarters in, you can get through the game no matter how bad you are.  And this version effectively gives you unlimited quarters.  So who cares how good or bad she plays?  She’s going to get through this.

Maybe this is what she should do.  Just play arcade games.  As long as the game lets you continue where you left off and there’s unlimited virtual quarters, she’ll be able to get through all of these games.  Her list of games that she “beat” would go through the roof.  

Wait…maybe she could do something interesting with this quarter idea.  She makes like $200/month right?  Maybe she could see how far she could get in a game using $200.  So 800 continues.  

Maybe she should stretch that out for the whole month.  She can only play games as long as she has credit and all she gets is the 800 credits.  And once she’s out, that’s it.  No more streaming for the month.

But as a way to shake down the horndogs for money, she could continue to play if you “subscribe” or “donate” money to her or whatever.  So, whatever, if you “donate” $50, that’s another 200 credits that she’ll play for.

And her being shit at the games would work to her advantage here.  Because she’d blow through 200 credits in no time.  In this fucking dinosaur game that she’s playing, she’s having to put another virtual quarter into this thing every 15 seconds or so.  No exaggeration.  

So this could lead to either really short streams (good for her wrists) or more profitable streams.  And actually when she’s not playing games, she could still stream.  Just turn it into a “just chatting” stream.  Or maybe look through old catalogues or Mike’s Nintendo Power collection.

I’m full of great ideas but it’s just the same old shit with Erin every fucking video.  “I’ve never played this before!” and then the usual abysmal gameplay and commentary about “cute” enemies and whatnot.  How about shaking things up and doing something fucking different?  Has what you’re doing worked so far?  

8:30 – “Look at this!  This is totally like Castlevania.”

In what respect?  Do you mean because it has enemies that kind of look like bats?  Oh.  I get it.  Yes, Castlevania is the only game ever made that had bat enemies.  At least out of the ones that you’ve played.

9:30 – “Erin’s the Red Baron?  I thought that Snoopy was the Red Baron.  I can’t replace Snoopy.”

I suspect that Erin doesn’t know that the Red Baron was a real person.  I don’t claim to be a Manfred von Richthofen historian by any means but I at least knew that it was a real person and I knew that he was from World War I.

And Snoopy wasn’t the fucking Red Baron.  He fought against the Red Baron.  The Red Baron was a German fighter pilot.  

When was Charles Schultz born?  1922.  So he doesn’t have any memories of WWI but he was of an era where his parents or the parents of his peers would have fought in WWI.  So these are the sort of references that he made.  

Now these references are totally lost.  Erin thinks that beloved American cartoon dog Snoopy portrayed a German WWI pilot.  And what about Red Baron pizza?  Do they still make that?  It seems so.  But I remember the commercials.  The character’s German heritage is intentionally downplayed.  It’s suggested that he’s American.

Of course, Schroeder was named after Christa Schroeder, one of Hitler’s personal secretaries.  And Lucy’s psychiatrist practice was loosely based on the life of Josef Mengele.  That comic strip was just full of Teutonic propaganda by Charles Schultz, who obviously was of German heritage.

10:00 – She keeps dying.  And you know what I just noticed?  She hasn’t used the bombs ONCE.  This game has bombs, right?  Like just about every “schmup” ever made?  Let me check a competent playthrough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAF3j-643N8

Actually, there don’t seem to be.  But what a palette cleanser that video is.  Watching somebody who’s actually good at the game.  Maybe too good.  I often wonder if these World of Longplays videos are tool-assisted.  

Anyway, fuck Erin.  I’m not going back to that trash video.