Checking out the Arcadia 2001 – Erin Plays 

Mike is promoting Erin again.  She’s on his stream.  And what a great job she’s doing.  She clearly does not want to be there, she has no interest in these ancient games, and she’s just making a joke of this.

The camera is just pointed at the screen.  He wasn’t able to do this any other way.  Let’s see how this goes but I have low expectations.

1:15 – So they’re starting with Robot Killers.  It clearly looks like Berzerk.  Is Erin going to mention this?  I’ll bet $10,000 right now that she doesn’t.  Because she never played Berzerk before.

Oh my god.  She unbelievably bad at this simple game from 40 years ago.  She’s just running around randomly instead of shooting the fucking robots.  

1:45 – “They look like Berzerk”.

Oh fuck.  That was from Mike.  You fucking asshole.  You knew full well that she wasn’t going to make the reference so you made it instead.  

But then Erin chimes in, “Yeah, they do.”  Well, why the fuck didn’t you say it then?  That should have been your first fucking comment.  Instead, her first comment was about how cute the character’s run animation is.

2:00 – Then after she kills all of the enemies, she doesn’t know what to do.  She just runs around randomly some more.  Mike has to tell her.  “Go to the door.”  You know.  Like in Berzerk.  You’ve played this before, right, Erin?  You just got through agreeing with Mike that the game looks like Berzerk.

Then she says, “Look how long his legs are.”  These are the comments that she makes.  It’s fucking trash.  How can Mike possibly stand it?  Is that anus just that good?  Fucking disgusting.

So now she’s on level 2?  You know how in Berzerk, a common strategy is to shoot the enemies diagonally?  Because the enemies can only shoot vertically or horizontally.  This is a strategy that most players pick up within…oh, I don’t know…five minutes of playing the game.  

Erin doesn’t know it.  She’s shooting everyone vertically and horizontally.  Never diagonally.  Maybe this game doesn’t let you shoot diagonally.  Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt.  But wouldn’t she at least mention this if that was the case?  “Why can’t I shoot diagonally like in Berzerk?”

2:45 – “The baby face is forming.  Is it really a baby?”

You know how in Berzerk there’s that Evil Otto character that’s a happy face?  And it appears if you don’t clear a screen within a certain amount of time?  Well, that’s basically what we have here.  There’s a smiley face enemy that starts moving if you take too long.  

Erin is totally unfamiliar with it.  But she just agreed that the game looks like Berzerk.  Doesn’t she know about this character?  She doesn’t remember it?  How is is possible?

3:00 “Oh god.  And you can’t touch the sides.”

Yeah.  Like in Berzerk.  But she says this in a matter of fact way.  Like it’s something that she only learned about recently.  I suspect that they played this game briefly before the stream started.

3:45 – Oh.  She just shot diagonally.  By accident.  So it is possible.  But she continues to shoot straight on.  Fortunately, she’s still on the early levels.  Those robots should be shooting back any moment now and then I suspect that she’s going to run into some difficulty.

She’s REALLY bad at the game besides all of this.  She has trouble lining up the shots.  And moving.  

4:30 – She runs into the wall and dies.  She says, “It’s such a loud and abrasive noise”

You know how in Berzerk, whenever you die the screen flashes and there’s a noise that can safely be described as “loud and abrasive”?  Same thing here.  But Erin is totally caught off guard by this.  She gave the impression earlier in the stream that she was familiar with that arcade classic Berzerk.  What gives?

I suspect that Erin might have been telling some tall tales.  You’ve never played Berzerk, have you, Erin?  That was all a lie, wasn’t it?  You just wanted to fit in?  Be a gamer grrl?  Make some money from the mentally retarded?  I get it, Erin.  That’s okay.  You can be a fake gamer grrl.  Nobody will judge you.  

Mike takes over and dies immediately.  He hits a wall.  So he says, “You can’t hit the walls” and Erin says, “No, you can’t touch any of the walls.”  Yeah.  Guys.  We get it.  Like Berzerk.  We’ve all played Berzerk, right?

Then Erin starts talking to the chat because she has absolutely zero fucking interest in this game.  Same with any game.

Mike is also just shooting straight on.

Let me talk about my experience with Berzerk.

It was one of the last Atari 2600 games that I got.  It was also one of the better ones.  When was this released?  1982?  Really?  I probably got it…I don’t know…in 1988?  Something like that.  Maybe even as late as 1990.  

Many years later, I’d play the arcade game on MAME but at the time, all I knew was that it was a game on the Atari 2600.

I always played on the easiest setting.  I didn’t like Evil Otto and I think he doesn’t appear on the easiest setting.  But I’d go around the maze and shoot the robots and whatnot.  

I used to think that there was an ending.  Because each stage has between two and four exits and I thought that if you took the right path, you’d get to some kind of ending.  So I’d sit there for hours trying to beat the game but no, it just goes on forever.

Sometimes a stage would start and they’d put you right next to a robot and you’d get killed immediately.  That’s not fair.  

It was also fun to shoot the enemy’s bullets.

Anyway, that’s Berzerk.  I actually played it.  I’m not just saying that I played it to try to impress people.

5:30 – 

Mike: So this game is very similar to Berzerk.

Erin: Yeah.

Mike: Those guys look like they came right out of Berzerk.

Erin: Yeah.  Evil Otto.

What?  How did she know this?  

I mean…the character doesn’t appear on screen when she’s saying this.  But she didn’t seem to know about this character when she encountered it.  And absolutely everything was a surprise to her.  

Then they quit because Erin wasn’t remotely interested in this.  But she’s not going to be interested in any of this shit.

6:00 – This game they’re trying doesn’t work right away.  So Erin says, “We probably should have tested more than one game before we streamed this.”

So that confirms that they played Robot Killer before the stream started.  Maybe that’s why Erin knows about Evil Otto?  Maybe Mike gave her some like talking points.  I don’t know.  It’s all so confusing.

6:30 – They gave up and now they’re playing Space Squadron.

Oh.  This is clearly a Defender clone.  Okay.  I did pretty good on my last bet.  So I’ll bet $20,000 that Erin doesn’t make a Defender reference.  Because she never played it before.

6:45 – “Oh, so this is like Defender.”

Come on Mike, you fucking asshole.  Stop ruining the game.  Fucking piece of shit.  There is NO WAY that Erin would have made the reference.  She has no fucking idea what Defender is.  Or Berserk.

Then Erin is just talking to the chat again.  She doesn’t give the slightest of fucks about this.

When Erin does finally force herself to look at the game, she just repeatedly says that something looks like a “little dick”.  Some of that “X looks like Y” comedy that everyone enjoys.

7:30 – Mike says, “Your turn” and Erin literally says, “No.  Do I have to?”

She doesn’t want to fucking be there.  She doesn’t want to do any of this.  She wants to be back in California working in the music store.  Living with her parents.  

Well…maybe not.  I mean, when you know that that’s the alternative, it makes some sense that she’s doing what she’s doing.  

But it’s not binary like this.  It’s not live with your parents or be a fake gamer grrl.  There are other jobs out there.  Jobs that you’re suited to.  Gamer grrl is not it.

9:30 – Jump Bug.  This isn’t a clone, this is an actual port of the arcade “classic” Jump Bug.  

This is much less known than Berzerk or Defender.  So…I’ll bet only $1000 that Mike will ruin this by pointing out that this is based off of an arcade game.  

Aw.  They couldn’t get the game to work.  I think that this bet can be recalled.

11:00 – Turtles Turpin.

“Look at you.  You’re a turtle and there’s buildings and they’re saying ‘SOS'”

No prizes for guessing who made that comment.  

This is what she does.  She has absolutely no experience, knowledge, or interest in video games so all that’s left to do is comment on what she sees.

12:00 – Erin starts playing.  She’s awful.  I mean unbelievably bad.  Once again, she can’t even work the fucking controls.  And there are no buttons that have to be pressed.  It’s the joystick.  She can’t fucking manoeuvre.  

13:45 – After shit tier gaming, they try Jump Bug again. 

Erin says, “I don’t know if I’ve ever actually played Jump Bug.”

I think that I can field that one.  No.  No, you have not.

But odd that she apparently knows that this is an arcade game.  She can’t be talking about this Arcadia game.  

They must have gone through the games before the stream started and had a brief discussion about them.

15:30 –

Erin: I just spaced out hard thinking if those are supposed to be dogs barking or —

Mike: Look.  I only got one left.

It’s just…Erin has no fucking interest in this.  At all.  On any level.  

16:15 – 

Mike: Do you want to try Jump Bug?

Erin: Not really.

And that’s it.  They turn the game off.  

Does Erin have any idea what her fucking job is?  She’s supposed to pretend to be interested in this shit.  She can’t do it.

17:45 – Jungler.  

Erin then blows her nose and says, “Allergies.”

Nobody.  Fucking.  Cares.

They play the game for a while.  Moving on.

24:30 – Bowling.

I just realised something.  Why aren’t they playing any of these games in two player mode?  Jungler was almost certainly a two player game.  And this bowling game is as well.  They were probably all two players.  But Jungler looks like it would be two players at the same time.  That could have been…well…”fun” is too strong a word but…whatever.

Erin is the only one who plays this game and she can’t figure out the controls.  Mike doesn’t even attempt it.

26:30 – Alien Invaders.

Mike once again ruins everything by immediately saying, “That has to be Space Invaders” and Erin replies with “yeah”.

I’d like to see Erin take some sort of “gaming” quiz.  It would be easy.  Just show like screenshots of classic games and ask her to identify them.  

So Erin is back to the chat, of course.  She’s responding to somebody who said, “Fake red hair”.  She says, “Of course it’s fake.  If this was real, that would be a problem.”

Who fucking cares?  But Erin was offended by this tiny rebuke.  No doubt that guy was banned immediately.  

28:30 – Erin starts a story about how she wants to change her name.  Mike says, “Oh are you going to get a new handle instead of Erin Plays?”  Erin replies with, “Yeah, it was something bad ass but I don’t remember what it was.”

Oh, she is a real story teller.  Thank you for that riveting story about something that you forgot.

Then she’s back to the chat.  “Mumra wants ideas for a first date.  I don’t know.”

Fucking fantastic.  

Then she does some quick brainstorming and says, “Go for a walk outside.  Walks are always nice.”

Oh sure.  For a first date.  In late October.  It’s quite possible that this person lives in a Northern state.  Too fucking cold.  

And who does this on a first date.  Coffee.  That’s the answer . Get coffee.  Fucking unbelievable.  She just has absolutely no fucking life experience.  

31:00 – Now it’s Erin’s turn.  “I like the buildings!”


32:15 – “Hey Mike is this Quake?  HAHAHA!”

Really, really weird.  Just watch this.  I don’t even know what happened.  

Then Mike starts doing a Pee Wee Herman impression.   I mean…what is this shit?

Then they just turn the game off after Mike encourages her to quit.

33:00 – Crazy Gobbler.

Okay, now this is a clear Pac-Man clone.  Is Mike going to let Erin have this one?

No, he ruins it again.

But Erin does make a homophobic joke about Mike.  And then makes a bunch of stupid comments about gobbling balls and whatnot.

35:00 – Erin says that the console is “cute”.

35:45 – Then it’s Erin’s turn to play.  Holy shit.  Really bad.  She’s never played Pac-Man before.  She just immediately goes for the power pellets.  And she doesn’t go after the ghosts afterwards.

37:30 – Ocean Battle.

Mike can’t figure it out.

39:00 – Tanks A Lot

Erin says, “I like the blue plastic in them.”

Oh.  Very interesting.

41:00 – Mike is playing the game and Erin is just back to the chat.  She’s saying “hey” to various people.

42:00 – After Mike is excited to have finally beaten the first wave, Erin says, “I wonder what your name is.  I wonder what the lore for Tanks A Lot is”

Then Mike excitedly hands her the controller and says, “You have to try this one.  This is the best one that we’ve played.”

I can’t do it.  I can’t watch any more.  I can’t watch Erin’s shit gameplay where it’s obvious to everyone that she has no fucking interest in this.  She doesn’t want to be there.  

There’s another half hour of this shit.  I can’t do it, though.

Oh, and I just noticed.  Hamburgler shirt for Erin again.

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