Annoying pink filter on this. You know…because it’s Valentine’s Day.
Tony is with that anti-abortion Jesus nut.
0:30 –
Tony: Last year, we were both single, talking about the movie Valentine. Now you’re in a very happy relationship.
Jesus Nut: Aw, thank you. I am.
Tony: And I’m not.
Do you suppose this Jesus nut is having pre-marital sex? Normally, I wouldn’t speculate on such a thing, but…what’s her actual name…Casey. Oh yes. Casey J Hempel. It’s coming back to me. So Casey is a total Jesus freak. And not in a “Hey, I believe that salvation can only come through Jesus but that’s just me” kind of way. More in a “Hey, let’s go protest outside of this abortion clinic” kind of way.
So do you suppose she’s getting fucked by this boyfriend? She’s saving herself for marriage, right? Must be tough in this day and age. You basically have to find another Christian fundamentalist. And even then I have to imagine that it’s difficult.
I remember in the tenth grade, some teacher announcing that she’s getting married. And some kid asked if she had sex before marriage. He was just asking to be outrageous. And the teacher said, “I don’t think that’s any of your business.” And some other kid threatened to beat this guy up if he keeps asking questions like this. White knighting, if you will.
But it’s a valid question. It was a Catholic school. We were told some really weird fucking shit. No sex before marriage. No jerking off. No using condoms. Sex is just to be done between married people and just for procreation.
I probably told this story before but I had a theology class in the 10th grade where the teacher was talking about the best way to store a car. “You wouldn’t just leave it out, would you?” Well, loads of people do that but…I guess the answer you’re looking for is no? “You wouldn’t just put a tarp on it, would you?” Well…that would be a real hassle taking the tarp on and off every day but I guess if you’re really concerned about your car, you can do that. “No, the best thing to do is to keep it in the garage!”
The car was a euphanism for your penis and the garage was a euphamism for abstinence. The tarp was a euphamism for a condom.
But cars are meant to be driven. And it’s just going to depreciate in value sitting in your garage, no matter how well it’s stored. Even if you have a heated garage, that Ford Fiesta is just losing value every day. You might as well take it out and have some fun. Fuck the roads of America.
1:15 – Shout out to Casey’s sister who just got engaged.
Do you suppose Casey’s sister is getting fucked? Is Casey’s sister a Jesus nut too?
1:45 –
Tony: I’m going to stay single just to relate to you all.
Jesus Nut: In God’s perfecting timing.
IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE! What is she talking about? But some more fucking Jesus nut shit.
She’s probably getting fucked in the ass as like a loophole against the whole sex before marriage thing.
But where does the bible even say that you can’t have sex before marriage? Let me look this up.
Apparently nowhere. There are verses about adultery, of course but nothing expressly prohibiting sex before marriage.
Oh, here’s an interesting one.
“If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay a dowry for her to be his wife.” – Exodus 22:16
So you can fuck Casey but then you have to pay some goats afterwards and marry her. How many goats is she worth? It’s got to be at least three.
Here’s another good one:
“No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” – Deuteronomy 23:2
So if you were born outside of wedlock or ANY of your ancestors for the past TEN generations, you can never get into Heaven. What kind of bullshit is that?
Let’s say a generation is 25 years. So if there’s somebody born today, if any of their ancestors going all the back to the year 1775 were born out of wedlock, they’re totally fucked. They can be the most pious person in the universe but because their colonial great great….great grandmother was a slut, they’re out. There’s nothing they can do. They’ll never get into Heaven.
Casey believes this crazy bullshit?
But about that anal stuff, that’s a legtimate thing that some religious people do. They’ll get fucked in the ass because they don’t want to have sex before marriage.
But what about all the anti-sodomy stuff in the bible? I know it wasn’t expressly the dick in the ass that was talked about. It was just about dudes getting it on with dudes. So does it not apply to women? What is it about dudes getting it on with dudes that got God so angry that he destroyed two cities? The buttfucking, right? What else could it be? So it very well could apply to men fucking women up the ass too.
There’s a lot of crazy stuff in that bible.
So anyway, Tony is going to talk about this movie that I don’t care about for 90 minutes. Well, you can do that, Tony. It’s well within your rights. There’s nothing in the bible against boring people, I guess. But I’m not going to watch it.
https://www.instagram.com/caseythefinalgirl/
There’s that Jesus nut’s Instagram. A lot of pictures of her in a bikini. Probably stuff in the bible about modesty. Her boyfriend has tattoos. I think that the bible forbids tattoos. Let me look this up.
“You shall not make gashes in your flesh for the dead, or incise any marks on yourselves.” – Leviticus 19:28
Right there. Leviticus has all the good stuff. As far as I’m concerned, fuck all the other books in the bible, just give me Leviticus.
It must be terrifying to live in a world where EVERYBODY is going to hell. Including, presumably, you. How can you not? Read the fucking bible. Anything you do, you’re fucked. And it doesn’t even have to be anything that you did. If one of your ancestors from ten generations ago did something, you’re fucked.
Who even knows their family history that far back? Especially in olden times. There was no Ancestry dot com in biblical days. So wouldn’t it always gnaw at you? “I really hope none of my ancestors for the past ten generations had a child outside of wedlock.”
What do you suppose the percentage is of people alive today who have an ancestor in the past ten generations who was born outside of wedlock? It’s got to be well over 99%.
So anyway, this has been Bible Corner. I’m going to go jack off in my wool and linen pants now.
I know you don’t like either of these channels, but Tony is also unoriginal as shit because he basically just copied what Movie Dumpster uploaded days ago and is like “hey come watch me review the modern remake of that film except worse and with a pink screen filter and an airhead as my cohost!” and of course marketed that ad nauseum on Twitter and elsewhere. We already know how much of a parasite Tony is and how obsessed he is with view numbers, but man. I feel like he only has “friends” to use them for his own selfish reasons. He seems fake as shit.
He commented on that and said it’ s a coincidence.
But the whole premise of his channel is stolen from Movie Dumpster. Same stupid “Is (whatever) the worst movie ever” sort of titles too.
Yeah adding more cringe evidence; check out the community post he made on his channel 12 hours ago. Real subtle Tony. Jesus christ what a leech.
I knew fundamentalist Christians. True believers. Yes they waited for marriage but using common sense, these people often got married in a year or less from meeting. Call it crazy but at least they practiced what they preached. It wouldn’t make sense to have a boy/girl friend for 9 years like horse-face and the marine. If horse-face or the marine had the stance of waiting until marriage it would have ended fast or they’d actually get married right? Just man up put a ring on it and start fucking! These people often have 6-8 kids and follow the Bible so hey more power to them. So this girl obviously fucks her boyfriend. It’s been too long to realistically wait. Going to catholic school myself, I know the drill with all this stuff. We were taught anything that’s not dick in pussy was sodomy. Blowjobs, handjobs, fucking a girl up the ass, aka the Irish Virgin, all sodomy. Of course two men fucking as well. Which is the only one that’s gross. In olden times virgin just means an unmarried woman. She’d have to be a virgin because of all the rules about how men and women associate. See the Bible on how women have to be separated when they have periods. Then of course there’s Onan. It was a trip. But apparently the resurrection abrogated Mosiac Law so none of it applies to the goyim. We had a basketball coach, bald black guy knock up a 15 year old student! Holy shit! Why would you let the girls team have a male coach? I wonder what happened to the baby? That child would be over 30 now. The boys assistant coach was busted carrying CP at the school. God damn! As for My Bloody Valentine, I just prefer the band, but Tony is too unhip to know who they even are.
I remember there being something in the bible about it being better to marry young than be eternally damned. It was something about the evils of having sex before marriage. Better to marry somebody and have all the sex you want. Maybe it wasn’t in the bible. Maybe it was just something that somebody said.
I don’t remember that from the Bible but then again it’s a million pages. Even if you don’t believe in God at all, a lot of it does make sense for a stable society. It is better to get married and maintain a nuclear family and follow the other commandments like don’t murder and steal, rather than acting like wild animals.