Gamer Girls

Mike recently streamed this game. What a coincidence.

It’s one thing for James to be too lazy to write the episodes or play the games. But even Mike is too lazy to create new “content”. He just rehashes his streams, throws James out there to do his god awful “acting”, and then calls it a day.

This is as lazy as it possibly gets. They don’t put any effort into this whatsoever. And it’s not like this is some side project. Something that’s being done as a hobby. This is his JOB. James is making money from this. A considerable amount of money. And it’s just rehashed Mike Matei Twitch streams.

You’d think that James’ wife would say, “Hey, sweetheart, you have to put some effort into this job of yours or we’re going to be out on the streets soon.” If people are saying this to James, nobody seems to be getting through.

0:15 – But first, a word from our sponsors. “Happy holidays.” Which holiday, Jimmy? I don’t even think that he knows any more.

Oh, but then he says, “Ho. Ho. Ho. It’s the Christmas season and that means I’m watching all of the holiday classics.”

So Christmas. Right? That’s what we’re talking about. Not Eid. Not Hanukkah. Not Zarathosht Diso. Christmas. Although, I’d love to watch some Zarathosht Diso classic films using my VPN.

1:45 – James’ script that an intern wrote refers to a “flannel couch”. What? These were popular in the 1990s? Where was I? I’ve never heard of this. Flannel like the shirts? No. Never seen that.

3:45 – Santa hat for old Baldy here. He’s pretending that he used to play this game as a kid. Uh huh. Sure you did, Jimmy.

5:15 – He’s telling some “epic” story about how when he was a kid, he was getting to some big battle in the game and the game glitched out and his saves got deleted.

Oh. Well, I’m sorry to hear that, faggot from Movie Dumpster who wrote all of this. But who really cares?

6:00 – Jimmy says that this was traumatic because as a kid he had, “No real life responsibilities, no family to support.”

Jimmy…you have absolutely no interest in supporting your family. You put no effort at all into your job.

6:30 – “Now that so much time has passed, it’s time to give it a shot again.”

Well, helpfully Mike already did a full playthrough of the game on Twitch just recently. So you don’t have to do a thing, Jimmy. Just kick back, let Screenwave edit the footage together, and collect your money.

Then there’s a montage of Mike playing the game, presumably from his Twitch stream.

9:15 – Another montage of Mike playing the game.

12:30 – There’s a character who’s animal like and walks on all fours. Jimmy says, “Like when your pet leaves those shit (something).”

Get it? Poop. Jimmy can’t get enough of poop. And I listened to this ten times and I still can’t figure out what the fuck he said. Great enunciating, Jimmy.

15:30 – Jimmy doesn’t understand why your party is represented by just one character. Because that’s the artistic choice that was made, Jimmy. Instead of having one character and three characters following that character, it’s all represented by one character. You’ve never seen this before? It’s in loads of stuff.

Take the board game Risk, for example. The artillery piece represents ten armies. Yes, I know that it doesn’t look like ten armies but ten armies would be a lot, right? So instead of having to place 100,000 little plastic infantry men on the board to represent ten armies, the genius who created Risk said, “Let’s just make it a cannon instead.” You have to use your imagination, Jimmy. Very often stuff represents other stuff because it would be impractical to represent it accurately.

Fucking autistic retard can’t understand this concept.

“It is cool that the game shows you how much TIME you put in.”

Why is that cool? It’s just Jimmy’s obsession with losing time. And yet he’s doing nothing with his time. He has all the time in the world but he’s doing nothing with it. Look at these zero effort videos. What on earth is he doing with his time?

20:00 – Weird pronunciation of “outage”. “Autage”.

He’s still talking about time, by the way. A theoretical power “autage” causing you to lose your progress in the game.

24:30 – He says that the game is like…covid? What? I don’t give a shit. It’s just autistic Jimmy’s covid obsession coming out again.

25:00 – Yet another montage of Mike Matei’s Twitch stream while Jimmy pretends that he’s the one playing this. Mashing buttons and pumping his fist and whatnot. As you do with an RPG. RPGs require copious amounts of button mashing. And fist pumping.

26:45 – Jimmy pretends that he’s beating the game.

27:00 – Reference to a monster encounter in a bathroom. Scat obsession for autistic Jimmy.

Then it’s Chris BORES levels of bad acting as Jimmy pretends to get increasingly engrossed in the game. Mashing the buttons more frantically. Making stupid faces. Hitting his sofa like a retard.

27:45 – Then there’s a power “autage”. Don’t worry, Jimmy. Mike has all of the footage saved on his hard drive. It will still be there.

28:00 – Mike Matei as Santa arrives. Now we’re getting into the delicious skits that we all enjoy. You guys like skits, right? We used to do them in my Cub Scout troop and then…I’ve never seen skits since. Other than in Jimmy’s videos.

Why do you suppose skits aren’t popular in the entertainment industry broadly? What even is a skit? Is “sketch ‘comedy'” a type of skit?

“A skit is a short performance in which the actors make fun of people, events, and types of literature by imitating them.”

Well now I’m even more confused. We weren’t doing any biting social commentary in Cub Scouts. They were just bad little somewhat impromptu plays.

Then Mike says, “There’s nothing I love more than filming skits.” This is particularly amusing because Mike has said several times that he thinks that the skits are stupid and that he only went along with them because Jimmy likes them.

Then Mike (as Santa) trips over the cord and the game shuts off. Again, James, don’t worry. The footage is all there on Mike’s hard drive. This thing that you’re “playing” on wasn’t even plugged in to begin with. You’re just holding a controller and mashing buttons. It wasn’t plugged into anything. You’ll be fine. Close your agape mouth.

28:45 – Then James pretends to beat up Mike Matei. I’m pretty sure that this is green screened. Something doesn’t look right. Why would they green screen this? This whole video was probably green screened. Everything is green screen with Jimmy. Jimmy’s hair is green screened.

29:15 – His saves allegedly got deleted so James pretends to beat this game, which takes months, in one sitting. Why? Jimmy, you’re not listening. All of the footage is on Mike Matei’s hard drive. You don’t have to put yourself through all of this.

30:45 – Extended footage of Mike’s gameplay footage while Jimmy mashes buttons with his mouth agape.

33:45 – There’s a stupid graphic of a game scale and on the top tier it says, “Fuck me through the fucking ceiling.” Ummm…no, thanks, Jimmy. I don’t think that we’re compatible.

The video ends with Jimmy pretending to have beaten the game, received some sort of closure, and he reiterates that it was one of his favourite childhood games. This game that he’s never mentioned before.

“Directed and written by James Rolfe.” Uh huh. Sure it was, Jimmy.

Edited by Sean O’Rourke.

Gameplay by James, Mike, and Sean. In what percentages? I’m thinking that it’s a 0/100/0 split.

So that video was…poop. It was doody. It was caca. Sorry get you all excited, Jimmy.

Do you suppose James reads the blog? I get a lot of hits from the great state of Pennsylvania. Newt obviously reads the blog. And PVC Bondage Guy. Tony from Hack the Movies. I’d imagine that Justin Silverman is an avid blog reader. He likes this kind of “trolling” stuff. Maybe Kieran reads it. Oh, Mike and Erin read the blog.

So it stands to reason that James checks it out from time to time. He has to know about it. Everyone around him knows about it. Screenwave knows about it. And a blog is right up James’ alley. 2000s internet. Old school. James hasn’t done anything since about 2007.

Let’s see what the boys on Reddit had to say.

• “I’m only about 7 minutes in. He keeps saying how he was a kid playing FF6 and how when his save got erased that is how his childhood experience with that game ended. But he also mentioned it was 1995 when that happened which means he would have been 15 years old. Maybe I’m nitpicking but when I think of my childhood I don’t think of when I was 15. By the time you are 15 the magic of childhood is long over. Not to be mean but we know that James was in a special school and hung out with kids much younger than he was. So maybe for him he was still pretty much a child until his late teens.”

That’s a good point. That was by Calvera. He’s one of the few people worth reading over on that homosexual fest. MustardTiger1337 and Nanners are also good.

But yeah, 15 is too old to be *nostalgic* for this game. Assuming that even played it, which I’m not convinced that he did. I’ve never heard him talk about this game before.

By the way, Calvera got upset with me because I said that mac & cheese was for poor people. He said something like, “I like your posts but you went too far this time. I can’t agree with this.”

Hey, Calvera, the world a big place full of all kinds of people with different opinions and perspectives on life. I can respect your views on mac & cheese being the food of kings but you have to respect my view that there’s a reason that Kraft sells this shit three boxes for a dollar. It’s for poor people. Can’t we have a disagreement like gentlemen? Let’s not let this mac & cheese dispute continue to drive a wedge in our relationship.

• “I just noticed that not only did Mike stream this (in six parts), but James directly ripped off the story about how he saved up and bought the game for 80 bucks from part one of Mike’s stream of this game. The only difference is that Mike said he bought it at Toys R Us and James claims he bought it at Kaybee Toys. This is unbelievable.”

That was from ArgentoFox. Now that he says that, I vaguely remember that from Mike’s stream too.

Eighty bucks for a game. That’s a lot of money. You can get 240 boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese for that price. Let’s say you eat two a day, that’s a four months’ supply of food.

People talk about how to survive on $2 a day or whatever, this is how you do it. You stock up on Kraft mac & cheese. And hey, Calvera says that it’s good eating. He doesn’t have any problem with it. He’d love to eat mac & cheese every day. No shame in that. To the contrary. Mac & cheese is the nectar of the gods.

Remember when there was that marketing campaign to change the name to better reflect how amazing the product is?

And Katie grew up to be none other than Calvera.