Gamer Girls

Who cares? Twenty-one minutes? Go fuck yourself.

0:45 – “But first, a word from this video’s sponsor.”

I’m going to say Keeps until it’s actually Keeps.

Oh, and James is wearing a Santa hat because he’s self-conscious about his hair, or lack thereof.

Oh my god. He’s even wearing a Santa hat in the ad. IT’S JUST HAIR, JIMMY. YOU’RE OVER 40! IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL TO BE BALD. ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON.

Jimmy is pretending to play “Raid” on a regular basis. Why does he have to lie? Just talk about the game. You don’t have to say that you personally play it because we know that you don’t.

2:30 – “The Shining is probably one of the most analysed movies of all time.”

Really? I don’t think so. I don’t think it’s in the top 500.

4:15 – So Jimmy is going through some autistic criteria to try to decide if it’s a Christmas movie. Whatever significance that even has. His first question is, “Does it take place on Christmas?”

He doesn’t know. This is going good so far.

5:30 – Second question from Dr Autismo: “Does a Christmas movie need to take place on actual Christmas Day or just during the Christmas season?”

He suggests it has to take place on Christmas. So why even ask the question?

This is greenscreen trash, by the way. Of course it is. Every fucking video this year has been greenscreen trash.

7:00 – Oh my fucking god. He’s talking about the photograph at the end of the movie. Fuck…I have to type this all out. It’s too stupid just to summarise.

“Nothing patriotic is shown in the photo. It’s black and white so there’s no chance to look for anything red, white, and blue. I’m not seeing any stripes or stars. It’s just a random July 4th ball, which I think is a clue that this film might take place in a world where holidays don’t exist.”

You fucking idiot. He’s talking about a photograph from 1921. It’s some fancy Fourth of July ball. Guys are in tuxedos, women are in fancy dresses.

But Autismo over here can’t wrap his special education head around the fact that there would be a Fourth of July party without garish decorations and people wearing t-shirts with an American flag on it.

IT’S A FANCY BALL FROM THE 1920S, YOU FUCKING MORON. NOT AN 8TH GRADE PARTY IN THE SCHOOL GYMNASIUM!

Oh fuck. What an idiot.

“So the fact that Christmas is never mentioned could mean nothing or it could mean everything.”

What the fuck. This is the Tao of Poo Poo.

8:00 – He says that he remembers seeing scenes of the family decorating a Christmas tree. Or something. But no, there’s no such scene. So…I don’t even want to dignify this fucking retarded theory. To call this thing half-baked would be a gross understatement. It makes NO SENSE. It’s founded on pure idiocy.

Because James THOUGHT there was a scene with a Christmas tree, that makes it a Christmas movie? No, that makes you a fucking retard. Nothing to do with the movie.

He also mentions that snow should be in a Christmas movie.

8:45 – He says that families should be Christmas movies.

10:00 – There’s food that says “tree top” and “holly”. It’s like freeze-frame shit. So Jimmy over here is making the case that these might be subliminal clues that this is a Christmas movie.

Also, using an axe. You use an axe to cut down a Christmas tree. Uh huh. This is…this might just be the dumbest video that he’s ever released. Well, I don’t want to oversell it. There was that video where he yelled at his own anus for not defecating. But this is still pretty stupid.

It’s 25 miles to and from…somewhere. So Jimmy suggests that this is like how Christmas is on the 25th day of December. Oh boy.

10:15 – “Ullman tells him that one of his main jobs is to go down to the boilers heating different parts of the hotel on a rotating basis. Kind of like Santa Claus going down all of the chimneys?”

What in the fuck are you talking about? This makes NO SENSE. How did…how is checking on boilers at all related to going down chimneys? This is fucking stupid. In the extreme. Why did Screenwave agree to release the video?

10:30 – “He’s always on his typewriter making some kind of writing project, or maybe he’s making a list.”

HE’S WRITING A BOOK. THIS IS CLEARLY SPELLED OUT IN THE MOVIE.

“There’s even a frame where Danny is sitting on his lap. It’s framed just like a kid sitting on Santa’s lap.”

Yeah. Or your mother sitting on my lap. This is completely moronic.

10:45 – “When Jack is frozen at the end, I can’t but think of Jack Frost”.

I don’t want to do this any more. It’s stupid. Is The Shining a Christmas movie? No. Is James a retard? Well, he didn’t go to special education for seven and a half years for nothing.

“And with all the balloons scattered in the hall, it only makes you think of Christmas balls.”

Suck my balls, you mongoloid.

“It’s all a stretch for sure.”

THEN WHY MENTION ANY OF THIS?

“During the opening scene, the name Donner is mentioned, which makes you think of Donner the reindeer.”

I’m getting very close to stopping this video.

Also, some guy spills a drink. The drink is “related to eggnog”. Whatever that means.

11:30 – “Many have pointed out that film uses lots of red and green.”

Then he points out UNRELATED SCENES that have hues THAT ARE KIND OF red or green BUT NOT REALLY.

11:45 – “I need to add that the blood of Christ is said to be how Christmas got its red colour.”

He’s connecting this to the blood scene in the movie by the elevators. This is aggressively stupid.

12:00 – He says that the original “colour of Christmas” (whatever that means) was gold. You know…the magi gave baby Jesus some gold. And there’s a scene in the movie that takes place in the gold room.

James. You and Screenwave need to sit down and have a serious discussion about the future of the channel. These videos can not go on like this. This is the dumbest fucking thing in the universe. NOBODY is entertained by any of this.

12:15 – “Why would any of this be intentional? If it were meant to be a Christmas movie, why would it be subliminal? Well, that’s the beauty here. It’s like some kind of flip-sided Bizarro realm. A Christmas movie without the Christmas.”

Bruce Lee is rolling over in his grave.

I’m turning this off. I’m sorry. I can’t. How many times can I call James Rolfe a retard?

Let’s see what the boys on Reddit have to say. Something gay, no doubt.

• “I tapped out when he says one of the reasons is snow. Bimmy’s new flex is videos about ideas so stupid there is no way they could be plagiarized.”
• “he’s got to be trolling. “there is red and green”, “there is gold” “there are ghosts”Next video ‘Is Shrek a Christmas Movie?’ “There’s a donkey, donkeys are in manger scenes. There’s green – Shrek is green. Green represents Evergreen Trees.”
• “This has got to be one of the stupidest topics for any cinemassacre video ever. All of the justification is just absolutely retarded. The hotel owner says the road is 25 miles long, and Christmas is on the 25th. There are things that are green, and other things that are red. It’s absolutely stupid.”

Well, I’m glad that I stopped when I did. I seemed to have covered all of the bases. Or maybe everyone else turned the video off when I did as well.

Is The Hustler (1961) a Christmas movie? There are balls in it. Like Christmas balls. And the felt on the pool table is green. Probably. The movie is in black and white. And Minnesota Fats is corpulent like Santa Claus. And there’s a prostitute in it. Jesus loved prostitutes. There’s a character called Preacher. People go to church on Christmas and listen to the preacher. They bet on horses. In the Middle East, where Jesus was born, they bet on camels (which are similar to horses). Paul Newman had a famous line of salad dressings. People eat salad on Christmas. I mean…they could.

Might be time to dust off that resume, Jimmy. Shit Mart awaits.