Gamer Girls

Mike recently streamed this. For many, many hours. And he did it in the most boring way possible. He just made a grid and did the same formula over and over and over again for the whole map.

I played some SimCity but I mostly played SimCity 2000. And I’d do the same autistic bullshit. Just make a grid and do the same pattern for the whole map. But I’d look at their scenario cities or whatever, which were based on actual cities, and I’d think, “I wish I was creative/artistic enough to do something like that.”

Here we have Mike Matei, world-renowned artist, doing this fucking autistic bullshit for 15 hours or whatever it ended up being.

And as it turns out, it was all just for an AVGN video. These people don’t play games just to play games. Everything has to be for money. And James isn’t even playing games for money. He’s doing nothing. He’s reading a bad script that somebody else wrote for money.

0:00 – But first a word from our sponsors: Keeps.

James, you’re not fooling anybody with that fucking Mortal Kombat hat. YOU’RE BALD! When is he going to get over it? He’s been noticeably bald for at least ten years. It should no longer be a shock to him.

But no, it’s not Keeps, it’s that same fucking VPN. “Please break the terms and conditions of your Netflix account.”

How do you even know which countries are showing which movies on Netflix? Is there a list somewhere? I don’t even know how such a list could be useful. You’d have to have a list of every movie and tv show being shown in every region. And it must change constantly. It’s not something that a team of ten people could even do manually. Or 100 people. I’m not seeing any websites that show this.

1:30 – “What is a video game?”

Really? We’re doing this? “Webster’s dictionary defines ‘baldness’ as the state of being without hair.”

3:45 – He says that the highest level you can get in the game is “megalopolis”. This was the entire point of Mike’s stream. That was his goal. That’s why he was doing this autistic shit instead of something more creative. He openly stated at the start of the stream that he was doing this because he wanted to get to megalopolis. Now we know why. It was for this stupid fucking video. You get a Mario statue in the game for completing this.

4:15 – “I’ve always wanted that statue ever since the magazine taunted me.”

No you didn’t. This was just Mike’s idiotic idea for a video. So he streamed it for however many hours. Couldn’t even do it in his spare time. Everything has to be monetised.

5:45 – He calls the city “Shit City”. Get it? Poop. James Rolfe’s disgusting scat fetish strikes again.

9:00 – James Rolfe, or whoever is playing this, uses a cheat code for unlimited money. How fucking pathetic is this? Whoever is playing this can’t even play it properly.

10:00 – They showed this bit of game footage at least three times already. Unbelievably lazy.

11:15 – James showing off his badass tattoo.

11:45 – Then there’s just a “bonus” game review for some reason. They ran out of ideas for Sim City. It’s Kung Food for the Atari Lynx.

14:00 – Back to Sim City. Whoever is playing this isn’t even playing the game properly. Aside from the money cheat code, they’re putting one bit of railroad track down every two spaces. It’s some exploit.

14:45 – Whoever is playing this is demolishing all of the schools and hospitals saying that it’s required to reach the required population. It isn’t. They’re also putting a bunch of police departments next to each other suggesting that this is necessary as well. It’s not. It’s totally pointless and surely not helping at all.

16:30 – “They complain about housing costs but how am I supposed to fix that?”

I’m guessing that you build more residential areas, Jimmy.

Then it ends with a dumb skit. He doesn’t even get the Mario statue, which was the entire premise of the video.

Directed and written by James Rolfe. Uh huh. Sure it was.

Edited by Sean O’Rourke.

Gamesplay by James and Mike. Uh huh. In what percentages? 99% Mike, 1% James?

Pointless. Dumb. Stupid. These are the words that spring to mind when thinking about this video.

Well, at least there was just the one poop reference. And there was no destroying of the game. There was no long, contrived, “I’d rather (whatever) a (whatever) in the (ass) while (whatever) watches and (jacks off)” bullshit.

So it wasn’t good but there was an absense of some bad things that I don’t like. I don’t know. It was boring. I’m going to take a nap now. Dream about that chubby Asian woman who worked at Screenwave. I wonder if she’s still there.