WTF Wednesday Review: THE LAST AMITYVILLE MOVIE – Newt Wallen

0:00 – At first, I thought that he was in a bathroom. But I think he’s in an office at one of his jobs. I think his red shirt is part of the uniform. Some retail job. I don’t know what the Mr Rogers sweater is all about. Surely, that’s not part of the uniform. That’s just his own style choice.

0:30 – “Working these overnights has allowed me to get some writing done.”

We’re not paying you to write shitty tits and gore movies, Newt. We’re paying you to manage the store. Get to work, asshole.

2:15 – Newt is talking about some shitty “director” (I think) of tits and gore movies. He says that he, “Keeps up with his blog.” Newt is a big blog fan.

4:00 – Shout out to how shitty the AVGN Movie is. Newt. Get over it. You were fired for WHOLESALE plagiarism. It’s not retard James Rolfe’s fault. It’s yours.

The sweater is really confusing me. He’s worn this before, I think. Can it POSSIBLY be part of the uniform? Why else would he wear it? But he also wears a bracelet so his fashion choices can’t all be easily explained.

Maybe he’s wearing it to cover up the logo on his shirt because he doesn’t want people to know where he works. But…I don’t know. Why this? Why a sweater? I guess a jacket would be more awkward but…I don’t know. On one hand, the sweater does seem the best option but on the other hand…it’s hella gay. So maybe just don’t make the videos while you’re at work. Maybe do your fucking job instead.

9:15 – “I’ve got somebody who wants to give me an investment to make a movie and I’m like, ‘What if I’m not any good.'”

Newt. You’re not. This is an easy one. Don’t take the money. Don’t make the movie. You suck ass.

He’s the worst. Aggressively bad.. Absolutely no talent AT ALL for this. It’s like he’s TRYING to suck penis. But, inexplicably, he thinks that he’s good. He thinks that he has talent for this. Show me. Show me ANYTHING that you made that was good. It doesn’t have to be a completed project (because there’s scandalously few of those) just show me ANYTHING that’s good. A scene, a few lines of dialogue, a page from a script, a Youtube video. ANYTHING. It all sucks cock, Newt. Face the reality and move on. You’re wasting your fucking life with this delusional shit.

Then he theorizes that Screenwave was responsible for making his projects looks good. Oh. What? I mean, he’s probably right. But when SCREENWAVE is an improvement to your projects, you know that you have some massive fucking problems.

11:15 – Newt says “taking the piss” and it comes off as so awkward and put on. It’s a British phrase. Why did he say this?

I worked in a place that had an Australian woman working there. And one of the English women there said, “No worries”. And one of the English guys took her to task for saying “no worries”, which is obviously an Australian term. He theorized that she only said it to impress this Australian woman. The English woman denied it, saying that “no worries” isn’t an Australian term, which, of course, it is.

So I’m saying that Newt is trying to impress the British ladyboys who watch his videos.

11:45 – “If you’re a fan of those micro-budget, in a box style movies…”

Nobody is. Nobody is a fan of these fucking shit, zero budget tits and gore “movies”.

13:15 – Newt begs this complete nobody to review Swamp Zombie 2 and says that he deserves it because he just gave his movie a good review and he comments on his channel. What a shameless piece of shit.

“This is why I don’t watch these videos back because I just assume that I sound like a fucking dickhole.”

Yeah. That’s the video.

So the channel that Newt was talking about is Movie Timelines.

59,000 subscribers. They’re hardly setting the world on fire.

I was going to write more about this guy’s channel but I tried to watch two videos, quickly got bored, and closed the window.

6 thoughts on “WTF Wednesday Review: THE LAST AMITYVILLE MOVIE – Newt Wallen

  1. I’ve noticed Americans never actually say slag off when for whatever reason they decide to loan that expression, just slag. They always forego the off. British people never do this, unless you count the (very) occasional “gave something a good slagging”. That’s the one instance I can think of where it might feel redundant to give the whole figure of speech in a British context.

    1. “Slag” as in insulting sommebody…as opposed to a woman with loose sexual morals. I’m having a hard time conceptualising the context, to be honest, but it’s my fault. I don’t think that I’ve heard anyone use any variation of the phrase in real life, British or American but I know it exists, of course. I’m just not hanging out with the right people, I guess.

      What about the lackluster 1986 Dead Kennedys song Do the Slag, which seems to be referring to the concept of insulting people? Also doesn’t use “off”. Not once. It pre-dates the internet, of course, so it’s not a recent thing. Presumably, they got the word from the British punk scene. Are they also misapplying it? They very well could be, I can’t entirely make sense of the lyrics.

      1. Going by the DK example it seems like it means basically the same thing but I guess there isn’t the same colloquial precedent. I can’t imagine a british punk song about slagging people off having lines like “Badmouth the people we don’t know” (*badmouth*?), “Slander their integrity”, “Doubt their humanity”. Makes it sound like a synonym for smear whereas the British usage is more along the lines of talking shit.

  2. He found an investor? Who the hell in their right mind would give this dude money??? He’s a proven conman. Do a quick google search on someone before you hand over your money, Jesus.

    “This is why I don’t want these videos back because I just assume that I sound like a fucking dickhole.”
    As if you ever stopped being that Newt. You were a lying fraudster plagiarist ten years ago and you still are one.

    1. Presumably, Newt has a script. Newt says that he has hundreds of scripts that he shit out in a day or two. The quality no doubt reflects this. But I would assume that whoever gives Newt money would first read the script and be happy that it’s not plagiarised. Or maybe they gave Newt their own script.

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