Gamer Girls

Heavily-pregnant ZapCristal is livestreaming her new album. Her new album that she had ZERO interest in making before she met (and married) this random black man who’s desperately trying to make money as a musician.

0:30 – “We’re going to do a little interview session. We’re going to axe a few questions.”

That was from Mr Wright Way II. You know what I’d do if I was a black man and I couldn’t pronounce “ask”? I’d say “inquire” a lot more. People would respect you. “That black man sure says ‘inquire’ a lot. I like it. It sounds sophisticated.”

It might sound a little camp and put on but what’s the alternative? As soon as you say, “Axe”, people think, “What a fucking retard this guy is.”

So what’s the first question going to be? Challenges that she faced in her niche?

0:45 – Wait a minute. What? Is she drinking wine? While heavily pregnant?

MAYBE there are doctors out there who say that a glass of wine a day is okay for developing fetuses. But when you’re dealing with a couple of total morons like Zap Cristal and Mr Wright Way II, this baby needs all the help it can get in terms of its developing brain. Don’t risk it by drinking alcohol. Every IQ point matters with this baby.

Then Mr Wright Way II reveals that Zap Cristal released an album before when she was 17 or 18. There’s a “sexy” picture of the album cover. It appears to be Spanish language. Loque Somos en El. I believe that this translates to “Crazy Somas in Him”. Makes sense.

Is this available on my favourite streaming platforms?

https://soundcloud.com/cristal-laboy-soler

Maybe? The first eight tracks seem to be interviews. In Spanish. Some songs mixed in. But if you scroll all the way down, you get into the good stuff. There’s one called Tu Eres Fiel. That translates to “You Are…I don’t know…let’s just say ‘gay'”.

So it’s got that Latin American beat. Maracas and everything.

Boy, this just keeps going, doesn’t it? I’m going to have to stop it at the 1:45 mark. That Macarana guy has nothing to worry about.

1:00 – Footage of a young Zap “Too Hot To be an Influencer” Cristal at some Puerto Rican radio station.

1:15 – “After becoming a part of the Master Sword 2.0 family.”

Eugh. Gross. He has to promote his non-existent record label.

1:30 – “My first question is, what made you want to come back?

Boy. These people really know how to come up with interesting questions.

1:45 – Vintage footage of Zap Cristal’s father on some Puerto Rican tv show playing the ukulele. I’m not even joking.

Maybe it’s just a small guitar. I don’t know. Is this a ukelele or a small guitar?

Zap Cristal says that you can never run away from your origins and for her, it’s music. Uh huh. So…how do you square that with the fact that NOBODY is going to buy this fucking “album” of yours?

2:45 – “Our Love Journey. Why that title?”

Great questions, Mr Wright Way II.

This is a sequel to her previous “album”, also on the Master Sword 2.0 “label”. Both albums are about her love for Mr Wright Way II, a man who she married even though she barely knew the man.

Is this what people want? It’s not exactly a universal theme, is it? I don’t love Mr Wright Way II. What the fuck am I going to get out of the album?

I’ll go further than that. I don’t love ANY black man who I barely know. So how can I possibly identify with the songs?

4:00 – “It’s like going to an amusement park and you have all these rides and all of these rides offer different experiences, different thrills.”

She’s talking about black men, right? She’s comparing the cornucopia of random black men with the thrills you can experience at an amusement park..

4:30 – Disturbing footage of Mr Wright Way II grinding on a very overweight Zap Cristal.

5:00 – Running Away. This is the first track that we get treated to. But Mr Wright Way II immediately tells her to give her thoughts on the song. Before we even heard two notes.

This is brutal. She’s talking out of her giant ass about feelings and whatnot.

I think that she’s referencing the “trauma” that she “suffered” at the hands of the original Mr Wright Way. I am so fucking sick of these veiled, libelous comments against Mr Wright Way. Fuck off with this bullshit. You’re a nut. That was the problem with that relationship. That’s the problem with all of your relationships. Stop insinuating that he was smacking you around.

And they’re showing black and white footage from this “music video” where it’s a very overweight Zap Cristal running in a park, seemingly petrified. Well, at least she’s getting some much needed exercise.

7:00 – Mr Wright Way II talks about the “beat sessions” that he has. Zap Cristal wants us to believe that the original Mr Wright Way was also all about those “beat sessions.”

You know, domestic violence is a serious thing. I’m not here to make light of it. But Zap Cristal is completely full of shit. I don’t believe that Mr Wright Way did anything to this fucking lunatic.

And let’s say that he did. Let’s assume that Mr Wright Way was a complete monster. Why would she then go back to another black man? If we believe Zap Cristal, Mr Wright Way is at least the second black man who abused her. You can’t draw any conclusions from this? Stop marrying random black men. They seem to be prone to beating on you. YOU’RE picking these men.

8:45 – Footage of a VERY overweight Zap Cristal in bed. Maybe she’s pregnant in these videos. But why take music video footage when you’re heavily pregnant? Come on. This can’t wait? Nobody’s going to buy this shit anyway.

9:00 – Oh, and now we get the “waa waa waa…waa waa waa” song. I think that that’s my favourite Mr Wright Way II “beat”.

9:15 – There’s footage of Mr Wright Way II sitting on a bridge and the words, “And you got me addicted girl I’m acting like a feind (sic)” appear. Good spell checking, Mr Wright Way II.

“I’m whole. I’m a new person. You might not like this new person.”

NOBODY likes this new person, Zap Cristal. It’s reflected in the view numbers.

She also seems to have abandoned her absolutely dire podcast. Her last episode was over a month ago and before that, it was two months between uploads.

9:30 – Zap Cristal with TWO black men. Is one of these guys the future Mr Wright Way III?

This second black guy came down to help with the production of the album during a NERD CONVENTION.

Mr Wright Way II says, “You can have this beat but I have to get off.”

What the fuck? Is that really what he said? We don’t need to know this. Just take a ten minute break and go masturbate.

9:45 – “We both pretty much had the same story of coming from hurtful situations.”

So was Mr Wright Way being beat by a black man too? I’ve never laughed at domestic violence so much in my life. But what the fuck is this? This is bullshit.

10:30 – Then we hear some of…some song. And it’s awful. Absolutely dreadful.

“Trying to drag me in your lore” is one of the verses. What does that even mean? They just used that word because they wanted something to rhyme with “more”. But it’s completely shoehorned in. They might as well have used the word “whore”.

11:00 – Mr Wright Way II shills for the album again. “If you like what you’ve heard so far…” Let me stop you right there, Mr Wright Way II. NOBODY likes what they’ve heard so far. I’m the one listening to this shit.

12:00 – Water Temple Remix. This is actually one of Mr Wright Way II’s songs that’s, for some unknown reason, on Zap Cristal’s “album”. It’s there because this was all his idea. He put her up to all of this shit.

The song is about Zelda. You guys like songs about Zelda, right? It’s a love song to Zelda. The video game character. Not Zelda Fitzgerald. Zelda Fitzgerald I could see. One of history’s hottest crazy chicks.

Then they end the video by promoting Zap’s awful website that nobody will go to.

Wow. That was some real crap.

Who would win in a fight: F Scott Fitzgerald or Ernest Hemingway? Sure, Ernest Hemingway was an outdoorsman and a boxer and presented a macho attitude but I think that he was all talk. He was overcompensating. Possibly a closet homosexual.

If F Scott Fitzgerald could just stay out of range with his wirey frame and greater agility and get a few well-timed shots in, I think that he has a chance.

Gertrude Stein would outclass both of them, though.