Gamer Girls

Alright, Riggs, what have you got? Doing a little shilling today?

0:00 – He says that this is a good computer for emulation. Why would I need a separate computer for that? My main computer does that just fine.

0:15 – He says that this little piece of shit can do Wii U emulation. I don’t know anything about Wii U emulation or this device but I’d be astonished if that’s true.

0:45- “This company did send me this for the purposes of this video.”

Well, at least he admits it. It’s not like his bike reviews, which apparently are hidden now, where he pretended that he was suddenly really interested in motorised scooters and bicycles. Because they were being sent to him for free in exchange for a video promoting them.

Whatever happened to his fucking bike channel that he promised us? He should do a channel exclusively for promoting shit. Let’s see how well that does.

“As you’ve seen in my videos, I don’t really review stuff, I just look at stuff.”

But you still get the shit for free. Don’t try to downplay what this is. He’s actually boasting that even though he’s lazy and incompetent, these companies STILL send him shit for free in exchange for a video.

3:15 – It comes with some thing so you can attach it to your wall. I’m trying to think of a reason why somebody would want a computer bolted to their wall. How is this a feature? John Riggs is struggling to come up with an explanation too but he’s desperate to shill for this shit so he’s trying.

4:00 – “I have a decent laptop but it can’t do Steam.”

What? Any laptop made in the last 15 years should be able to run Steam just fine and the available games. Not recent games, of course, but old games. Steam itself, the software, hasn’t been laggy in many, many years. When did it come out?

It was 2003. Yeah, I remember when it came out. I used to play Team Fortress Classic and that used an online service called WON. WON was perfectly fine. No problems. But Valve (the makers of Team Fortress Classic and Steam) wanted people to switch over to Steam. At the time, Steam was…I don’t even know what the problem was. But it was slow as fuck on my computer. So I, like a lot of Team Fortress Classic enthusiasts, resisted the switch to Steam.

Eventually, the switch was forced on everyone as WON was shut down. WON was strictly a platform to play games online whereas Steam is mainly a platform to sell games. But I’m not even sure if that was the case at the time. Nevertheless, this was clearly the motivation to push people on to Steam. They wanted to get people to download their software that sells games.

But it’s been absolute ages since I had any problem running Steam. Even on shitty laptops. So I don’t know what the fuck John Riggs is using. A Hewlett Packard netbook from 2003 perhaps.

4:15 – Default Windows wallpaper. I have the same one. I haven’t cared about my wallpaper in at least 10 years. Nevertheless, if I was making a video, I’d put something kooky on there to give the horntards a little something interesting to look at. Not John Riggs.

He also has the taskbar shit in the middle of the taskbar, as it (inexplicably) is by default. He couldn’t be bothered to spend ten minutes customising this. He’s not going to use this thing. It’s going straight on Ebay after this video.

4:45 – He’s shilling for his JOHN RIGGS controller. Why ANYBODY would want a John Riggs controller is totally beyond me.

And why is he playing Steam on this thing anyway? He spent the entire video talking about how great it is for emulation. Why doesn’t he run an emulator? Play some of those Wii U games that can allegedly be run on this thing.

5:45 – He claims that he uses his computer to stream on Twitch and Youtube. Does he do this? I don’t think he’s streaming on Youtube, certainly. I was unaware that he’s on Twitch but I’m not a real John Riggs enthusiast, I have to say.

But why would you use a shitty, cheap mini PC for that? Surely, your standard, powerhouse PC would be better for that.

6:00 – He says that this mini PC would also be good for demonstrating games at conventions if you’re doing a panel. You know…for all of you who do panels at nerd conventions.

Why wouldn’t you just use a laptop? I mean, you’d still need a fucking monitor. Are you going to lug a monitor with you or just hope that there’s a monitor there and you can hook everything up and it will work? What advantages, if any, does this thing have over a laptop in this situation?

6:30 – “Can you imagine what it would be like if we had these during the days of LAN parties.”

But we didn’t. So what are you suggesting? This thing would be good for time-travelling? “If I ever go back to 1995, I’m bringing this thing with me.”

I think that somebody in 1995 would be more impressed with the sleek laptops that we have today. Also, would a monitor in 1995 have the necessary ports? Didn’t they have those big multi-pin connections? What are they called? Serial ports? Surely, this mini PC doesn’t have a serial port.

So you’d be in 1995, ready to join your LAN party, with a brick. Also, there are USB connections. How are you going to plug your 1995 keyboard into this thing? 1995 keyboards have those circular pin connectors. Same with mice. You’d be totally fucked. You’d be the laughing stock of that LAN party. “You fucking retard. You travelled back in time and brought THIS? This useless piece of shit? Why didn’t you bring one of those sleek laptops that I read about in Omni magazine?

I wonder about the voltate too. Even if you could hook this thing up to a 1995 monitor, would it blow the monitor up? Because I had a tablet that was just a few years old and when I plugged it into a modern computer from just a few years later, it fried.

What would I bring back to 1995? My phone, I guess. Imagine showing the touch screen and the camera and the internet access. Did they have wifi in 1995? Perhaps not. Well, the touch screen and the camera then. The high resolution. It would blow minds.

John Riggs would just be jerking off with his useless mini PC.

So anyway, if you use his promo code you get 5% off. FIVE PER CENT! How much does this thing even cost?

I won’t click his links because I think he gets a penny if I do that.

SIX HUNDRED BRITISH POUNDS! Or 829 Freedom Dollars. What the fuck? I was thinking £100. For that money, why wouldn’t you just get a pretty good laptop or desktop computer?

And on the website, they give you a 5% discount. Do you get another 5% discount if you use John Riggs’ promo code? I doubt it.

And 5% is an insulting discount. I don’t think that I’ve ever seen a 5% discount on ANYTHING. Nobody would advertise a 5% discount. Anything less than 10%, forget it.

Staying on the subject of time travel, imagine going back in time to, say, 1924 with a copy of Juggs magazine from 1995. You’re hanging out with Al Capone and flappers and shit and you show them this copy of Juggs. It would blow their minds. They had magazines in 1924, of course, but it was all print. There weren’t any pictures. And they didn’t have glossy pages. And they didn’t have women with giant fake tits.

People would think that you’re some kind of wizard just by bringing a MAGAZINE back in time.

People talk about bringing a medical kit back in time or a laptop or some kind of modern gun or something. No. I’m bringing a copy of Juggs every time. Doesn’t matter what the year is (as long as it’s pre-1970 or so).