Alright, Ideas Man. Let’s hear what you’ve got. Apes. A whole planet of them. A planet where apes evolved from men.

Is that even right? I know that the Charlton Heston character said that in the first movie but he was just speculating. He didn’t even know that he was earth.

In Battle for the Planet of the Apes (I think) it’s revealed that there was an epidemic that killed dogs and cats so…apes became pets. I guess that fish, rabbits, hamsters, ferrets, lizards, turtles, et cetera weren’t considered suitable. It was apes. And then these apes became slaves and did all kinds of shit. Couriers and hairstylists and shit. There were big training houses. And then these apes rebelled, with a super-intelligent ape (from the future or at least his parents were from the future) leading the revolt.

When did the apes go from looking like apes to looking like men in ape suits? That part is never explained. Because there’s definitely a scene with a real gorilla or at least a man in a suit that looks like a real gorilla. And I’m sure that there’s a scene with a real chimpanzee as well.

Anyway, speaking of simian-level intelligence, we have Newt Wallen.

0:00 – “I have no slept in over 24 hours.”

And he’s in his car. What an asshole. He loves putting the general public in danger over his own stupidity.

“If you watched the Coin Slots video…”

Which I didn’t and won’t.

He’s talking about his jobs.

I went to a job interview recently. It didn’t go well. Very strange interview. They just asked totally generic questions that they clearly asked everybody. And they didn’t ask a single thing about my work experience. It’s bizarre. I’ve never seen anything like it.

So I didn’t get the job. But I’m going to keep at it.

Maybe I should say that I’m autistic so that I can get some preferential treatment. Get the questions in advance or something. Do you have to provide proof of a diagnosis? Would this be a completely insane idea?

Because the interviews always go poorly, which makes it difficult to get a job, but once I get a job, people are always thrilled with my work. There’s never been anybody who said, “This guy sucks cock. We don’t want him.” To the contrary. When I inevitably say, “This job sucks cock, I don’t want it” they beg me to stay. “You’re the only one doing any work around here. Can you reconsider?” And my professionalism is beyond reproach.

Newt is wearing a sweater, by the way. Not even a sweater like a pullover sweater, which would be gay enough. This is a button up sweater. A cardigan, if you will. Like Mr Rogers might wear. What the fuck is this?

But, I noticed that he’s not wearing his bracelet. He didn’t want to go overboard with the homosexuality.

4:45 – Some kind of whore walks past giving a Nazi salute. Newt gets distracted.

Oh, and then Newt starts talking about his “ex”. You know, that woman who died of cancer who Newt enjoyed fucking up the ass. He’s upgraded her to “ex”. She used to be a “friend.”

14:00 – Newt is still droning on.

He was talking about the other movies in the series. And even mentioned the cartoon and the tv series.

I’m surprised that he didn’t mention Play-Mate of the Apes and/or Planet of the Babes. This guy presents himself as a Planet of the Apes enthusiast?

17:45 – “There were times that made me get emotional.”

Wait…what? From an ape movie? Newt’s an emotional guy.

“Maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m a fucking weirdo who gets emotional about talking monkey movies.”

Well…I wasn’t going to say it but…yes.

20:45 – Newt is working three jobs. Doing inventory in a retail establishment is one of them. Whatever that entails.

That’s the video.

What about Time of the Apes? I know it’s not official but I remember really being into it. I don’t know if I was watching the actual movie Time of the Apes or if I was watching that Japanese tv series that was cobbled together to create Time of the Apes. But this was in the late 1980s. I was a kid. It was on Nickelodeon. And I distinctly remember a scene where somebody gets trapped on some kind of ice world. And that’s how it ends. I don’t know if that’s in the movie or not. I’m skimming it on Youtube and not seeing such a scene.

Is the Japanese tv series even in English?

According to this, no. So it must have been Time of the Apes that I saw. Plus, I knew that it was called Time of the Apes.

It was also a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. I remember they kept making “crap in hand” jokes.

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