Gamer Girls

0:00 – “Pretty much, everyone who’s probably watching this video had a Playstation 2.”

I did, Lydia. It’s like you’ve known me all my life.

In fact, did I have two? No, I’m thinking of Dreamcast. I had an American Dreamcast and then when I moved to the UK, I got a UK Dreamcast. I just wanted to play Fire Pro Wrestling D. But then I got a Playstation 2 to play Fire Pro Wrestling Returns.

It’s in pieces somewhere. I had to take it apart to get the boot cd to work. What a pain in the ass. You have to lift the cover off to swap the boot cd (which is required to play imports) with the game CD. There was apparently a flip cover case that you could have bought to make this more elegant but I didn’t want to pay for that. There was also some kind of sliding tool that you insert into the part where you insert the CD but it apparently risks damaging the console. So I just screwed the cover.

That thing also came with a bunch of games. I still have them but I don’t think that I’ve played them even once. It came with like 10 games. By the time I bought it, the PS2 was passe. I’m pretty sure that they were already on the PS3 at least. But it couldn’t have been that obsolete because I was playing Fire Pro Wrestling Returns on it. This obviously pre-dates Fire Pro Wrestling World for the PC.

Anyway, tell me more, Lydia. Why should I purchase a PS2? Another one, in my case.

She says that the games are cheap. That’s why you should buy them.

Well, they’re probably all free on the internet. I haven’t looked.

From what I can tell from a quick search on 1337, the games are like three gigs each. And I’m only seeing the most popular ones. And there aren’t many seeds.

Surely, somebody has compiled a complete collection and is torrenting it. I know it would be massive but people do this, right? There’s a full set for all of the old school consoles, certainly. MAME has full romset torrents. Yeah, it’s only 37 gigs for every MAME rom. Obviously, the PS2 full rom set would be many times more than that.

For a long time, I wanted to get a PSP because I heard you could put a bunch of emulators and shit on it. I never did it, though. Probably for the best. I don’t think that I would have played it. I can play all of this shit on my computer and I don’t do it. I’m going to embarrass myself by playing this old fucking handheld on the train? “Hey, ladies. You like middle aged men who play video games? Form an orderly queue.”

6:30 – She’s showing games that she likes. Just thought I’d give an update. She also went over slim versus normal versions of the console. I had the normal version. I still have it somewhere, I guess.

Aw. I’m looking up Fire Pro games on Ebay. I have loads of them. They’re not worth anything. In fact, they’re worth LESS than what I paid for them years ago. Twenty years ago, Fire Pro Wrestling D was like fifty bucks straight from Japan. Now it’s $10. There goes my retirement plan.

Even obscure stuff like Six Man Scramble is $15. Who the fuck is buying Saturn games? Well, maybe that’s why it’s so cheap.

14:45 – She’s talking about Destroy All Humans. Or something. And she says that you play as an alien and you can probe people. I’m really getting some ideas here.

The video ends with two and a half minutes of a black screen. Editing mistake, I guess.

But anyway, she wants to buy a PS2 because there are some good games on it. Well, okay. Whatever.

It reminds me of a video I saw recently with the bizarre title of “How the PS3 Can Save Gaming”. Or something like that. So I’m watching the video and it’s just this Australian guy saying, “Well, the game are still pretty good, right?”

What? That’s it? I thought that there was going to be some deep answer to this like the controller is something special or you can emulate a bunch of shit on it or something. No. Just he thinks that the games are pretty good. Bullshit clickbait title. People don’t like to get duped. They’re not going to subscribe to the channel after you wasted their fucking time with these misleading titles.

A proper title would have been “Hey, I think that the PS3 has some games that are still pretty good.” Okay, cool. You do you. I don’t give a shit.

For the life of me, I can’t understand what adult is buying a console any more. I know that there are still a small number of games that are console-exclusive. Every Nintendo property, for example. But who gives a shit? I don’t need to play the latest Mario game.

It never made sense to me. The sheer volume of games available for the PC has always greatly outnumbered the games on any console. I can play any PC game ever released on my computer right now going back, whatever, 50 years. You might have to play through some shit like MoSlo or a virtual computer but it’s not that complicated. You’re not playing an NES game on whatever the fuck the current Nintendo console is. Not for free, certainly. And you’re certainly not playing games from other systems.

And the games are so much deeper on PC. There’s so much more you can do with a mouse and keyboard as opposed to a fucking controller. The entire strategy game genre is effectively PC-exclusive. Whatever they have on consoles is watered down bullshit for mental defectives.

I was playing some Romance of the Three Kingdoms game. It was for Playstation or Playstation 2. And I’m thinking, “This game would have some potential if it was on PC.” But on console, it’s dogshit.

All of those Koei games for the NES. They’re cool but they would be so much better on PC. They could expand so much on it.

There are loads of genres that were and to a large extent still are PC-exclusive. Proper RPGs (like Ultima or Wizardry), 3-d adventure games like King’s Quest or Monkey Island, stat-based games like Football Manager or there’s a bunch of wrestling games like that. And it’s all easily available, for free, on the internet and you can play it on the native platform that it was designed for.

I don’t even like “football” or “soccer” if you prefer but I played loads of Football Manager. It’s a thinking man’s game. Well, an autist man’s game. It’s just a bunch of numbers.

Never in a million years would I play any console football game. You know, where there’s little guys in their little shorts chasing after the little ball.

I fucking hate “football”. I know that it’s part of American culture to hate “football” and think that it’s gay and whatnot. But it is. It’s gay and whatnot. I call out a lot of American misconceptions and try to take a more worldly view but they’re dead on with this one. Gayest fucking sport ever conceived. How is this boring as fuck sport possibly the most popular game in the world? How do people get so invested in it? How do riots start as a result of this? What’s the bone of contention. “My team has shorter shorts than your team has?”

And before every game, the players come out holding hands with a little boy or girl. I’m not making this up. What the fuck is this? Imagine you’re watching the Super Bowl and these big roided-up players take to the field each holding hands with a little boy or girl. There would be a Congressional investigation. Whose idea was this?

I’m not saying that anyone is getting molested but it’s just completely bizarre. Why are the players even agreeing to do it? Aren’t they embarrassed?

And I remember in like the third grade, there was a picture in my…I don’t know what class it could have been but there was something about soccer in one of my textbooks. This was during one of the many periods in American history where people were saying, “Soccer is going to be the next big thing in America” and then it fails miserably when Americans actually watch that fucking piece of shit game. But the picture was a bunch of dudes standing in front of a soccer net with both of their hands on their genitals. They were like protecting themselves. Or…something else. This is apparently something that goes on. Dudes playing with themselves on the field.

Let me see if I can find this picture. Or something similar. This must happen. Why would I have such a vivid memory of this picture? Why would it be in a children’s textbook?

Yeah. “Free kick wall” is your search term. You’re telling me that that’s not gay? I mean, all sports are obviously homoerotic. It’s a bunch of young muscular men in little outfits trying to dominate each other physically.

But “football” really takes the homosexual bullshit to the next level. Anyone who wants to watch that…I mean….I’m a modern guy. I’m not here to judge. But just come out of the closet and admit what this is and what you are.