Monster fest mania Con wrap up

0:00 – Starts with Newt and Miss Crack Addict. She is awful. Absolutely fucking horrendous.

0:30 – Newt turns the camera around to show a fat got chick in some kind of vampire costume who clearly does not want to be filmed.

0:45 –

Miss Crack Addict: Everybody is excited about the new projects that we have coming up.

Newt: You don’t have to sell them.

Even Newt recognises that this woman is awful. She’s fake. She’s delusional. She’s a total narcissist. But she has red hair and he’s trying to piss off Horseface.

1:00 – Miss Crack Addict starts listing the projects that she’s apparently involved in. “There’s Vanpire, and Jawsferatsu, Late Fees, Mars Versus Cheerleaders.”

Jawsferatsu is better known as Shark Vampire, by the way. But this is all trash. Trash that’s probably never going to get made and even if it does, nobody’s going to watch it.

1:30 – Some total nerd in a helium voice approaches the table and says, “When are you going to get more DVDs?”

2:45 – Some middle aged loser approaches and…I don’t know…does some gang shit. He’s representing the Akron Ohio…fucking Almighty Gaylords, I think.

3:15 – This guy’s fat girlfriend says that Florida Man is awesome and she can’t wait for the colour version.

So some guy left a comment on the blog recently saying that the comic is just a Xeroxed black and white version of the comic. He was apparently right. How would he know? There must be somebody in Newt’s inner circle leaving these comments. Maybe it’s PVC Bondage Guy.

Newt says, “It’s so cool to be around other friendly, positive people.”

Delusional people, Newt. That’s what you’re talking about. This is why he surrounds himself with the mentally ill. He can’t face reality.

I’m positive about positive things. I don’t go around saying that everything sucks dick. But Newt and every single one of his projects suck dick. That’s not being negative. That’s me living in reality.

3:45 – Miss Crack Addict tells this helium-voiced nerd that she has Paypal. He apparently wants to give her money for…what? Porn? Nothing? I don’t know.

Newt then says, “If you would like to send Madilyn money because she’s beautiful…”

Then Miss Crack Addict asks if she can show the QR code where you can send her money.

4:00 – She shows the code and says, “Send me money. I need booze for tonight…maybe an upgrade to a jacuzzi in my hotel.”

I don’t want to be hyperbolic here but is it possible that Newt found somebody even more off-putting and disgusting than Crystal “Horseface” Quin herself? Miss Crack Addict is constantly talking about herself, constantly talking about porn, and constantly talking about how you should send her money. Get a job, you old fucking crack-addicted whore. Have you considered that?

Then we immediately cut to PVC Bondage Guy. And Miss Crack Addict is out of the picture. It seems to me that PVC Bondage Guy doesn’t like interacting with Miss Crack Addict. If this is the case, PVC Bondage Guy, I am with you 100 per cent and I share your dream that Miss Crack Addict is soon found in an inner city dumpster so horribly disfigured that she can only be identified by dental records.

PVC Bondage Guy is wearing fucking prostitute gear. How did she even get in dressed like that? And she’s taken like a dozen Somas. I don’t think that she even knows where she’s at. Nevertheless, what a breath of fresh air to see this man/woman. Anything to get away from fucking Miss Crack Addict.

4:45 – Newt says, “You’ve been walking around hanging out with fans of the show. Followers of the show.”

It’s preposterous. Newt. You have no fans. Zero. I mean, what the fuck? Horndog? The handful of ladyboys? Who the fuck is living in the Akron, Ohio area and went out specifically to see Newt Wallen and his mentally ill hos? NOBODY. Nobody is doing that.

This video is at 282 views now. I don’t quite know how Youtube counts views. If the same person visits, does it count as another view?

Because I’m thinking for blog posts that get a few comments, I’ll get like 150 views after a couple of days. For posts that don’t get comments, I get about 100 views. I suspect that the counter on the blog counts views even if it’s the same person. So blog posts that get more comments get more views because it’s the same people going back to check the comments. But 100 views on the posts that don’t get comments seems to suggest that it’s 100 different people because not many people are going to go back and read the same article.

So my point is that the blog isn’t far off in popularity from Newt’s Youtube channel. And never in a million years would I say, “Boy, I can’t wait to go to this nerd convention in small town America and see all of my fans. You know, Anonymous from Brazil and Anonymous in Japan and Baron from Mexico (god bless that guy for using a name), and Anonymous from Pennsylvania and even Anonymous from Colorado who leaves a comment now and again. It’s going to be so awesome to meet my fans.”

Fucking none of these people would be there. I’d be completely delusional to think that they would be. But here we have Newt, similar level of fame (at least judging by view numbers) thinking that he has fans in attendance at this nerd convention in Akron, Ohio.

Half the people who come to the blog are the people who I write about. Well, maybe they would attend. I bet PVC Bondage Guy would take another day off from work to be there. We could talk about our shared passion for Rammstein and the German language and spectacles and 1990s professional wrestling and good mental health and “hook stuff”. Just a couple of dudes hanging out, you know.

6:00 – Quick shot of the Shark Vampire puppet that Newt says people have been taking pictures with. Oh sure. Everybody loves Shark Vampire.

7:30 – Newt talking about sex with these two skanks again. Fuck off. Jesus fucking Christ. Change the fucking record.

7:45 – Newt shows one of his “fans”. It’s a guy who’s literally 400 pounds and has a giant beard.

8:15 – Miss Crack Addict is talking about how Jackie Chin is at this nerd convention. Newt has no idea who this is. Like the rest of humanity. Jackie Chin’s family doesn’t know who Jackie Chin is. But Miss Crack Addict is talking about him/her like s/he’s some big time Hollywood producer.

We’re supposed to know who this is. The producer of Zombiepalooza Radio Live. And if you were expecting an Asian woman, think again. It’s a middle aged fat white woman with no fucking job.

Jackie Chin. Fuck off with your intentionally misleading name. And her Twitter has a picture of an Asian guy as her profile so this definitely isn’t an accident.

9:00 – Newt says that at the nerd convention in Pennsylvania, nobody gave a shit about them. But he’s huge in Ohio. That’s what he wants us to believe.

9:15 – Miss Crack Addict shows off her dress. We’re supposed to be jerking off to this. I mean…does anyone have a crack whore fetish? I don’t think so.

9:45 – Some gay, possibly Jewish guy, starts promoting a game or…something. I can’t hear what he’s saying.

Miss Crack Addict tells him that she wants to be in a video game. The faggot agrees.

You know, a prostitute simulator would probably do well as a video game. I think just about any profession would do well as a simulator.

I mean, you have Truck Simulator, there are farm simulators. Some people say those games are boring but other people are really into them.

I think that this concept can be expanded to anything. Post office worker simulator. People come in and they have different packages that they want to ship. You have to weigh them, ask them what kind of postage they want, if they want any add ons like tracking or signed on delivery. You have to make sure that you charge the right amount. You have to organise the packages. You have to have them ready for when the postman arrives. There’s probably admin stuff you have to do. Making invoices and whatnot. I think it would be interesting. It would be similar to that game Papers, Please, which I enjoyed.

A lot of the building trades would be cool. Maybe more complicated but it can surely be done. A plumbing simulator would be huge if it’s done with the proper care. There’s a leaky toilet, for example, and you have to figure out how to fix it. You have use the right tools on the right area. Whatever. I don’t want to give away my million dollar ideas. I’m full of ideas. You might even say that I’m The Ideas Man.

10:15 – Anyway, I have to turn this video off now. I cannot stand this woman and this fucking possible Jew is annoying the fuck out of me too.

What about a Schutzstaffel simulator? Oh, it would fucking be massive. Think of the publicity that thing would get. It’s not something that Steam or any mainstream platform would allow but you can release something like that independently and just rake in the cash. There would be so much outrage over the game that people would just go to your website to buy the game.

I read a book called…what was it…Ordinary Men: Reserve Police Battalion 101. It was some sort of guard unit in Nazi occupied Poland. And it was comprised of like middle aged Polish men. They were responsible for rounding up Jews and executing them.

Now, I’m not saying that it would be the most morally upright simulator but it would be HUGE if somebody did this game right. Not some shitty indie thing but either a studio or a really dedicated and talented individual. Make it as realistic as possible. Attention to detail. Not just about shooting people, but keeping ledgers and whatever.

It would be similar to that JFK assassination game that they had. I played that game loads, as disappointing as it was, as laggy as fuck as it was on my computer at the time. Not because I’m psychotic but it was just interesting. It’s a historical thing, I guess.

Anyway, that game garnered a lot of controversy but I’m sure it made money.

2 thoughts on “Monster fest mania Con wrap up

  1. Hey! Got a shoutout on the blog! Maybe it’s the sign I’ve waited all my life, and I should create a video podcast discussing how the PlayStation came from the joint venture between Sony and Nintendo that eventually failed? Kudos if I make it to the 3-hour mark, repeating the same ideas over and over.

    Now, I just need to hire a redhead, especially one that lies about liking video games.

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