WONKA Review – Newt Wallen

Well, let’s try to get through this. Obviously, I’m not going to watch the entire 45 minute video. Nobody is doing that. But I’ll shoot for five.

0:00 – It starts with Scumbag holding his cane while PVC Bondage Guy plays with Scumbag’s stringy, disgusting, foul-smelling hair.

Scumbag introduces himself and you can’t even hear it. Like…at all.

It reminds me of a much more wholesome story. Anything to get away from this shit. I went to a local AM radio station during a Cub Scouts trip and they showed us around the station. Then we got to introduce ourselves on air. I was shy so didn’t speak loudly and the DJ had to repeat my name and said, “In case you didn’t hear him.”

How boring must that show have been, though? Here’s a random Cub Scout troop coming to the studio? It was all grandmothers listening to that station but still.

1:45 – Oh, I just noticed that PVC Bondage Guy is wearing a Cactus Jack t-shirt. She’s a big wrestling fan, guys. She’s been watching since way back in June 2023. Old school.

4:30 – PVC Bondage Guy just gets up and leaves. I know the feeling.

Oh, she was getting her juice or flavoured water or something. I enjoy the flavoured water. You don’t often see it. At least I don’t. In the unlikely event that I’m looking for a bottle of something to drink, I’ll get a juice but in the even more unlikely event that I’m looking for bottled water, I look for the flavoured ones.

Can’t understand ANYTHING that Scumbag is saying, by the way.

10:30 – Newt says that Roald Dahl’s daughter was a terrible person. What? This girl?


She died at 7 of measles. What a bitch, I guess.

Oh, he had three other daughters. But I’m not seeing anything controversial on their Wikipedia pages.

15:00 – Newt says that he wants to write and direct a musical. Uh huh. He goes on to say that he has no musical talent. Well, you can’t write or direct either. A lack of talent doesn’t seem to stop you from doing this fucking trash that nobody watches.

Then he gives his inspiration: Moulin Rouge and the cabaret scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It’s constant tits and gore with this fucking asshole. Change the record. IT’S BORING, NEWT!

I’m stopping the video. I made it to 17:00. Newt is just talking about what inspired him to reboot his Youtube channel. Something about his passion for movies. Uh huh. More like your passion for Horseface and wanting to woo her back with these awful, awful videos.

8 thoughts on “WONKA Review – Newt Wallen

  1. He’s never gonna make a musical. Or any other film for that matter. All of his film “ideas” are pipe dreams that will never be completed.

    1. He’s obviously doing something somehow connected to movies. He’s going to “Philadelphia premieres”. He’s “directing” scenes. He’s hiring prostitute actresses.

  2. You are a trooper…i lasted about 10 seconds and had to shut it off. When PVC “fluffed” his “hair” I literally felt ill. No joke. We appreciate the abuse you take to give us a glimpse into this rabbit hole of mental illness. At first, years ago- it was just kinda “ha, this guy’s savage it’s kinda funny” now it feels like it’s taken a dark turn or something. It’s nothing you did, I think it was just the natural path…

    1. I watched it all.. the weird guy ends up speaking in a fake british accent then starts gatekee[ing why he hated the movie.. I don’t like this guy at all…

  3. You are missing one important fact that scumbag also believes he’s a woman and trans with pronouns of they/them

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