RetroGameCon Gave Me Explosive Diarrhea – John Riggs

John Riggs is at yet another nerd convention trying to pick up chicks, this time in Syracuse, New York.

2:00 – What the fuck is this? There’s a guy a red shirt, long hair, and overalls. Oh, presumably it’s some Mario costume. Mario if he was a gay nerd.

5:00 – Somebody is selling Somer Assault for $110. Unless my scumbag mother got rid of my stuff, which she may well have done, I should be sitting on a goldmine. I think I still have mine in the original box.

Then he shows some porn game and says that he has it.

5:45 – We get the “joke” of the video’s title. He finds a bootleg Atari game called Explosive Diarrhea.

You have to imagine that at John Riggs’ scale of obesity that diarrhea is a common problem, though. Right? Fat people have problems with diarrhea? Maybe I just made that up. Let me very tentatively look this up.

“Up to 8.5% of obese and 11.5% of severely obese individuals had chronic diarrhoea, compared to 4.5% of normal weight individuals.”

Okay, so I was right. I don’t have to continue my research into this fascinating topic.

8:30 – Some fat guy encourages his wife to show John Riggs the drawing that she, apparently, made of John Riggs.

You have to wonder about these women. Why would they agree to go to a nerd convention and entertain the childish obsessions of their manbaby husbands?

If it’s some fat chick, I get it. They’re taking what they can get. But this woman…it’s an average-looking woman in her 40s, I’d guess. I don’t know how old the guy is. Maybe he’s younger than she is. Maybe that’s the draw.

But is it really such a draw to go out with a younger guy who’s fat? “Here’s my 400 pound, 19 year old boyfriend.” What? Why? It’s hardly some kind of arm candy. Find a slim guy your own age.

9:00 – What is this? Some crack addict in a vest rooting through his bag of stuff.

11:15 – “I can’t tell you how amazing this game is: Prison City.” Then he tells you all of the platforms that it’s available on.

He…really seems to be promoting this. Isn’t this a game developed by Screenwave?

Yeah. Well, what a coincidence. John Riggs must have some relationship with Screenwave. This is just a stealth ad.

16:00 – We discover that Metal Jesus was with John Riggs this whole time. He was also seen, briefly, in the reflection of John Riggs’ Gameboy earlier in the video.

Why is this not mentioned? Why didn’t he start the video with, “Hey, I’m here with Metal Jesus”? It’s just bizarre.

17:30 – “You’ve seen the wrestling cruise, you’ve seen the Kiss cruise.”

What? No, I haven’t. Then he promotes some guy’s nerd convention cruise. Yeah, that sounds horrible.

They should bring back the Boob Cruise. I think that there were only two.

Basically, they got a bunch of big bust porn stars, put them on a boat, and you could have sex with them for money. Just a floating brothel. But from what I read, not all of them were offering this service.

20:00 – This annoying asshole again. The same shithead who was in John Riggs’ last video who was walking around with a megaphone yelling at people. Why is this allowed?

20:30 – Some fat old woman brought her cat to this thing. How embarrassing.

21:00 – Justin Silverman. So this confirms that that Prison City thing was an ad. John Riggs must get his ad deals through Screenwave or they’re doing something for him.

21:45 – John Riggs got another GOD AWFUL nerd tattoo on his other wrist. It’s some cutesy video game enemy. I don’t fucking know what it is. Why would anybody possibly do this? He’s throwing away any chance that he ever had of getting a desperate, purple-haired girlfriend.

John Riggs is such a great father, instead of blowing his money on video games and pussy-repelling tattoos, he should be saving his money for his son/daughter’s sex change surgery. He’s got two son/daughters. This isn’t going to be cheap. Forget about college. When you have a son/daughter, you have to be prepared to really shell out some cash.

I was watching an interview of some Thai ladyboys and they said that they got into prostitution because it was the only way to afford all of their surgeries. It’s true. It’s expensive. Let me very, very tentatively look this up.

Over $124,000 to get female to male surgery. And that article is from 2015.

John Riggs is going to have to sell a whole lot of cereal books to afford this.

6 thoughts on “RetroGameCon Gave Me Explosive Diarrhea – John Riggs

  1. I think we can now say it’s official. Diarrhea is more enticing to watch in a video than male gamer grrl Metal Jesus Rocks.

  2. You know those times when you are supposed to be on a diet but still crave something greasy, and pizzas are just a few clicks away? When I am in that situation, I usually look at some fat people’s pictures, and yes, the craving goes away: the fear of becoming like them is more powerful.
    These videos are having a similar effect on me but related to my videogame hobby: once a week I have some free time to pick up the PS5 controller, but now I remember what those fatso gamers look like and the idea of having something related to videogames suddenly becomes unfathomable.

    1. What’s the pizza situation in Mexico? Papa John’s, an American restaurant chain with many locations in the UK, offers a “Mexican” pizza. Green peppers, jalepenos, onions, red chili peppers, and so-called spicy beef. Is this an accurate reflection of the prefered toppings in Mexico?

      1. I think it all comes down to preferences. In Mexico, Papa John’s is seen as a budget pizza, like the one you would purchase in bulk if you have to feed a bunch of people and you don’t care about the flavor, just something to chew on. Same level as Little Caesar’s. We also have “mexican toppings” similar to that, but I honestly don’t think they are so popular.
        What is usually sought for is one called “al pastor”. This is referring to “tacos al pastor”, which is made from meat marinated in hot sauce cooked in a vertical rotisserie similar to those found in Turkish kebab places. The pizza is prepared as usual with tomato sauce and cheese, and the toppings are marinated meat, pineapple, cilantro, onion, and jalapeño.

  3. @ 20m: That guy did the voice for NBA Jam and all of the other popular non-traditional sport games, Blitz, Slugfest, etc. Kind of a big celebrity in videogame lore, I suppose.

  4. I like stripper/porn queen meet and greets. They always sign autographs in a funny way. Like “breast wishes” or “spanks for the mammaries” or some shit like this.

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