Gamer Girls

It’s boring as fuck and I had to stop it at the ten minute mark. It’s just James Rolfe summarising an episode of The Addams Family. It’s like Hack the Movies but a sensible runtime. I still couldn’t get through it, though.

I’ve never seen the Adams Family. Not once. I don’t even know if it was on tv at any point in my life. I’ve seen the Munsters loads of times and I liked it. But the Adams Family…I know of it but I hate it. Even though I don’t think that I’ve ever seen an episode, I know enough about it to know that I hate it and I’ve always hated it.

So I’m just going to talk about pornography. I’m telling you now so if that’s not your thing, I understand, and you can go about your day. I wouldn’t want to read somebody’s take on pornography. “Oh, yeah, this scene was really hot. That chick had some big tits.” Well, that’s great.

One of the earliest pornographic movies I remember seeing is The Maddam’s Family. When was this released? 1991? Holy shit. I probably shouldn’t say how old I was.

I’d watch it on the Spice Channel. We had one of those descrambler boxes but it didn’t quite work so it only descrambled stuff half of the time. Maybe that was just normal. So you’d get a kind of clear picture for 30 seconds and then a scrambled picture for 30 seconds and it would alternate like that. It was enough, frankly.

But I’ve subsequently seen the entire film in its descrambled glory on some porn site. It stars Ron Jeremy. What is he doing now? Was he imprisoned? Well, he’s in a mental institution. What a railroading this. Ron Jeremy? Really?

He would apparently grope and put his fingers into women at fan conventions. Well no fucking shit. What do you expect to happen when you see Ron Jeremy at a porn convention? That’s part of the experience. That’s what people are paying for. It was done openly, presumably. Everybody knew. If you don’t want to get groped and fingered, don’t join the huge line of people waiting to get groped and fingered by him.

It’s like that old drunk wrestling personality Sunny did some nerd convention where you could get into a bed with her for $50 or whatever and have your picture taken. Did anybody sue over that? “Hey, Sunny sexually harassed me. When I got into bed with her for $50, I didn’t expect her to touch my penis.” Then don’t pay fifty bucks to get into bed with her.

Jon Dough was also in Maddams Family. And Mike Horner. They were in everything at the time.

Kim Angeli was Tuesday. I haven’t seen her in anything else. She’s not good. Some fat chick.

Deidre Holland played some skank who had sex. I don’t know. I’ve never seen her either. Not impressed.

Ona Zee is Horticia. I absolutely hated Ona Zee in my youth. She was constantly promoted as a big star but I didn’t get the appeal whatsoever. It’s just some flat-chested old Jew. No thanks.

But the movie is saved by Charisma who plays the delightful Cousin Tit. Charisma is a light-skinned mixed race woman with huge tits. I read that she was trying to pass herself off as white because she didn’t want to be typecast into only doing scenes with black men. But how stupid could people have been? She had tightly curled pubes and dark areolas. Not to mention African facial features. And a somewhat dark complexion. People were just easier to fool back then, I guess.

I remember in the ninth grade, a friend of mine just randomly started talking about this movie. I didn’t bring up the subject. He was talking about the scene where the Lurch character (Crotch) was fencing with Cortez. It was a comedic scene.

That was the excuse used for why you would watch porn. For the comedy. It certainly wasn’t to masturbate.

I remember a conversation in the 10th grade about the Bikini Carwash Company. This was a softcore porn movie. And some guy was talking about it and I said, “Oh yeah, I saw that.” And he got excited and said, “You saw it?” And I said, “Yeah, because it’s funny” in an indignant way. And he said, “Oh, yeah, yeah. Me too.”

Yeah. Nothing beats the comedy of pornography.

In the 12th grade, we were watching the Addams Family Movie in English class. My fat, lazy English teacher was showing the movie. And there was a scene with Christina Ricci which prompted my friend to say something like, “Oh yeah. Daddy’s little porn star.” And this is creepy because Christina Ricci was like 12 in the movie but we were watching this years later. It was like 1995. And Christina Ricci was something…well, she was doing edgier movies and she was around our age.

Certainly, Christina Ricci was my favourite actress at the time. And it seems like I might have had a chance with her. She married a grip (whatever that is) and then recently she married a hairstylist. So it’s not the usual Hollywood celebrities that she’s marrying. It’s just regular folk. Plus, I think she went nuts, which may explain the choice of husbands.

Oh yeah. “Ricci has been open about her past struggles with anxiety and anorexia.”

“Ricci is listed in several art publications as one of artist Mark Ryden’s muses.”. Muse. Classic.

So that’s everything that I know about The Addams Family.

No, wait. Another childhood memory is coming. In the 8th grade, the NES game came out and I remember some kid talking about his mother getting it for him because his mother was really into the tv show. There was no talk about whether or not it was a good game. But it seemed like this guy watched the show. He was familiar with it. So I don’t know how I missed it.

I was probably deliberately missing it. Because I fucking hated that show. Why would I be so passionate about a show that I’ve never seen? I must have seen it at some point for at least a few minutes.

I wonder what that guy from the 12th grade is doing now. I looked him up like ten years ago and he was working in a Whole Foods or something. Still living in the same shitty town that we grew up in.

It’s a shame that I never got in touch with any of my old classmates. I kept waiting until I got a great job and a hot wife or something. But just moving would have been impressive enough. And who cares about impressing anyone anyway? It would have been nice to see what they’re up to and whatnot. Reminisce about my wasted high school days. Talk about our hopes and dreams.

It’s a common thing, I guess. Wasting your life. Look at James Rolfe. He totally threw his life away when he decided to let Screenwave take over the channel. He won the lottery with this Youtube thing and then was too lazy to do any work. Just let these fat sexual deviants with no talent do it all. Let’s see how that turns out.

Erin Plays. Mike Matei. Newt Wallen. Tony from Hack the Movies. Bobdunga. Pam aka CannotBeTamed. John Riggs. Destiny Fomo. Absolutely everybody who I talk about has wasted their lives. Where are the people who made good decisions? Where are the people who are striving to do their best? None of those fucking losers.