Gamer Girls

So Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” has a new podcast. And a new haircut. And a new partner. And about 50 pounds of new weight.

0:00 – It starts with some R&B intro. Uh huh.

So we’re introduced to TJ. Zap really has a type. She got divorced or separated or something from Mr Wright Way, who was a black man. And now we have TJ, who’s a black man. What are the odds?

Before we get any further, I have to look up the article where she literally said that she was too hot to be an influencer. BECAUSE LOOK AT THIS WOMAN. You’ll never believe it if I don’t come up with proof.

SEGE 2021 So We Did A Thing…A Panel!! – Women In Retro Gaming – ZapTV

Okay, the quote was actually that people tell her that she’s “Too pretty to be an influencer.” I must have changed that to “hot” at some point. But the sentiment is the same. THIS woman thinks that she’s too attractive to be an “influencer”. I know that she’s allegedly quoting unnamed horntards who are telling her this, but the fact that she felt the need to repeat these alleged comments suggests that she thinks that it’s true.

And that video was only from two years ago. Holy shit. Can she possibly still think that? How did she even think it at the time? But now she’s gained 50 pounds and chopped all of her hair off. It looks like she was taking clippers to her hair and then had second thoughts so went to the hairdresser and they cut it really short to try to try to match it up.

TJ has no charisma, by the way. None. Erin Plays levels of charisma.

They’re also reading from notes.

2:00 – So the first thing they talk about is whether a chicken sandwich is a sandwich or a burger.

This is what they start the podcast with. Isn’t this thing supposed to be about video games or something? I don’t even know. But chicken sandwiches.

Miss Cristal. You do not need any more chicken sandwiches regardless of the nomenclature. Get your fucking life together.

I have to skip ahead. This is awful.

Holy shit. They’re still talking about this at the 8 minute mark.

9:15 – “Re-set time” That’s the next segment. They have names for all of these segments. The first segment was called “Re-something” as well.

Don’t set me up like this. RE-TARDED should be the name of this podcast.

They’re talking about brands versus products. Whatever that means. And Zap says that this conversation started while she was in the car with TJ. So this confirms that TJ is her boyfriend. She really moves fast. Mr Wright Way was done with her boring, unintelligent, self-absorbed self like two months ago and she’s already found another black guy to replace him.

TJ says that he’s in the music industry. Uh huh. Tell me more.

I can’t. I’m turning this off. How far did I get? 11:21. And that’s with me skipping about seven minutes of this shit.

34:45 – Zap says to TJ, “I want to thank you. I have a brand new website. Talk about building a community and owning your community. This is the importance of having a website.”

Apparently, TJ built this website for Zap. But WHAT COMMUNITY? Nobody is fucking going to ZapCristal dot com or whatever the address. Nobody is watching her videos, so why would they take the extra step of going to her website?

Oh, it is ZapCristal dot com. This is poorly designed. There are a lot of problems on my end. If I made this full screen, it would look fine but I always browse in a smaller window.

And why would anybody even go to this website? There are no interactive features like a message board or something. This is just a collection of her fucking social media shit. She could have just started a LinkTree or whatever it is.

Oh, she also has a store. I thought it was broken at first but no, it just takes a while to load the page. For £2.65 you can get a jpeg of Zap Cristal dressed as a vampire. And judging by her weight, this picture was either taken many years ago or it’s heavily Photoshopped. So for £2.65 you get a JPEG. Unbelievable.

And actually, now that I see the higher resolution version (which is free, by the way) she’s pretty chunky even in this picture.

Then the video ends with more awkward bullshit.

This video has 178 views after three days. These are Gamer Girls numbers. The blog is doing as well as Zap Cristal’s Youtube channel.

Happy 4th of July. Spending time with the family and chilling.

Have fun y’all! pic.twitter.com/BmKxIOMQE5

— ZapCristal (@CristalZap) July 4, 2023

Here’s ZapCristal with her son and this guy who she just met. What a fucking piece of shit scumbag she is. Maybe she thinks that her son won’t notice the difference. “Wait a minute…did Mr Wright Way just shave his head?”

But she’s spending Fourth of Ju-ly with the family, ya’ll! Reminder: she’s from New Jersey. But she lives in Texas so apparently that means that you forget how people speak in New Jersey.

Fucking Fourth of July. Fuck you.

I had some hillbilly neighbours who would celebrate Independence Day from like June 4th to August 4th. Just constantly lighting fireworks. Every year, the youngest child would walk around with severe burns. I’m not even joking. He was like five years old and covered in burns but he’d still be out there lighting this shit.

They also had a son about my age. He was a real scumbag. The whole family was, of course.

But they were honest, no fooling hillbillies. So when I was like 11 or 12 this guy took me to the lake to get “cat tails”. Cat tails were a plant, the tip of which vaguely resembles a cat’s tail. And he said that we can dry them and use them as a substitute for “punks”. Punks were sticks that you would get from the fireworks store which you would light and then use that to light the fireworks. It was like a safety thing so you can light the firework from further away.

And I said what are you talking about? This isn’t going to work. But he insisted that it would.

So we got some cat tails and he said just leave them outside on your porch to let them dry. By the time Fourth of July comes around, they’ll be good to go. This was like a month before, I’d guess. I was sceptical but I went with it.

It actually worked. You’d light the cat tail and it would stay lit for a long time. It was a slow burn. Perfect for lighting fireworks.

This was before the internet or anything. People just knew these things. This was real hillbilly knowledge.

And I’m looking this up just now and this information isn’t even on the internet. You never have to buy a punk again. Just dry some cat tails. They work much better than punks and it’s FREE. Maybe the big punk manufacturing companies are conspiring to bury this information.

Anyway, these neighbours lit loud fireworks all fucking summer and they were giant scumbags. I think that they’re all homeless and unemployed now.