The Triumphant Return of Retro Ali

Kind of. She’s always been uploading videos to her second channel, where she uploads her Twitch streams. Those videos struggle to get 50 views.

But this is her return to her main channel, RetroAli, not her secondary channel of RetroAliLive. But she’s only posting streams. No “original” content. Her “original” content mostly comprised of “reaction” videos where she would insanely fake, over the top “reactions” to mundane bullshit like a commercial for a video game. And she would always be sure to make that “O” face, as is immortalised in the banner.

She’s not appearing in person, though. She’s a “Vlogger” now. Why the change? Because she gained about 30 pounds. And instead of losing the weight, she said, “Fuck it. I’ll just be a crudely-animated anime girl instead.”

Maybe I should start streaming but use the Retro Ali horse cock sucking picture from the banner.

4:45 – “You guys might be wondering why I’m streaming on Youtube, where have I gone, why am I an anime character? Basically, I guess the tl;dr is I don’t know, I got burnt out on Youtube, basically.”

And you gained 30 pounds. Go on.

“So I just went back to my little Twitch dungeon.”

She says that she doesn’t think that she has monetisation any more. How much money could she possibly have been making from these awful “reaction” videos anyway?

She’s complaining about Twitch ads and partner agreements. I think she’s complaining that she’s not getting paid enough. For doing these awful Twitch streams where she plays Pokemon as an anime girl. So she wants to get paid by Youtube for these awful videos now.

I think that she has a job. Or at least she’s had one in the past. Maybe stick with that. And instead of this desperate anime girl shit, just fucking eat less and exercise more. And the exercise is optional.

Let me go over my own boring weight loss journey because I know that Retro Ali will have NOTHING worth talking about.

I was a slim kid. I was like 60 pounds when I was 12. And I remember going to a talk in school, some propaganda shit, where they brought a local “hero” who was in Desert Storm. What are they calling that? The Gulf War. Fine. And after his talk about what a hero he was for fighting a primitive, ill-equipped army with the overwhelming force and vast technological superiority of the US military, we had to shake this guy’s hand. So alright. I’m not there to debate the rights or wrongs of this conflict in Iraq. I’ll shake the guy’s hand.

So we line up and it gets to my turn. I shake his hand and he says, “You need to eat more.” What? This guy’s a hero? He sounds like an asshole to me. He doesn’t know my condition. Maybe I have cancer or something. It could be anything.

Would he say to a fat kid, “You need to eat less?” Probably not. But it’s okay to thin-shame me? Fuck you, you fucking baby killer.

When I graduated high school, I was 120 pounds.

That’s where I stayed up until I was about 23 and I started working out. I gained about ten pounds from that and then when I stopped working out, like six months later, I went down to 125 pounds and that’s where I stayed up until…fuck…I don’t know…when I was 30 I was maybe 130 pounds. And that’s how it was up until covid when I reached a high of 150 pounds. It’s a result of the sedentary lifestyle and also I was eating a lot of takeout because I was convinced that I was unable to gain weight. This was an issue throughout my life. I just couldn’t gain weight no matter what I ate.

So when I saw that I was 150 pounds, I decided that I should go on a diet. For what it’s worth, 150 pounds is well within the normal weight range for my height. But I thought let’s try to lose some weight and work on the Adonis.

First, I started counting calories on everything. I remember Kieran how when he was trying to lose weight, he would measure his beer out by the cups and shit like this. I did a similar thing, not quite to that degree, but I tried to calculate how much food and drink I was consuming and I kept a diary. I tried to only eat 1000 calories a day and then when I started to see results, I went up to 1200, and then 1500.

After three months, I lost 10 pounds. So I thought, “Well, 140 pounds. That’s pretty good. I don’t have to stress about this. But I’d still like to maintain my weight so I’m only going to eat one meal a day.

I did that for, I don’t know, a year. And I only weighed myself once in a while. I was clearly losing weight but I wasn’t concerned about checking every day or whatever. Clothes were fitting better. I had to put a new hole in my belt to make it an inch tighter. Shit like this. It was obviously working. I was down to like 130 pounds.

So I said fuck it. I’m not going to bother with this one meal a day thing any more. But by this point, I had made so many changes to my diet that I continued to lose weight anyway. I stopped eating chips or “crisps”, if you prefer. I ate candy just a few times a day. I stopped eating cookies. I rarely ordered takeaways. Shit like this. And this just became the normal way that I eat now.

I had to put another hole in my belt. So that’s two inches that I lost from my waist. And I’m down to 125, which was my weight when I was 23. And I’m continuing to lose weight so I’m trying to reintroduce more Doritos into my diet to maintain this because I don’t particularly want to lose any more weight.

So what was the point of this? Oh, yeah. Retro Ali. She gained a lot of weight. It’s not inevitable. Of course your metabolism changes as you get older but that just means you have to put some effort into this. Show some self-discipline.

You look at somebody like Tony from Hack the Movies, for example. The fags on Reddit will show pictures of Tony when he was 17 and talk about how hot and slim he was and Tony will say, “Of course I was slim. I was 17. I’m 33 now.” Like it’s inevitable to be 250 pounds when you’re 33. No, that’s a result of years of overeating. If Tony would start eating right and maybe exercising (although, that’s optional) he would be well on his way to his high school weight.

Kieran lost something like 50 pounds in…I don’t know…six months? A year? I don’t know how safe that is, my figures might be all wrong, but it didn’t seem like he was dieting for very long and it was noticeable that he lost weight pretty quickly. Then of course he regained it all but that’s because he gave up on the diet and went back to his old eating habits.

So let’s get back to Retro Ali. She’s going to be playing Pokemon Stadium. I can’t wait for this.

7:45 – Somebody asks if she put most of her videos on private. She says that she did. Really? I’m looking at her list of videos and it’s still mostly the usual shit “reaction” videos. How did she determine what stayed and what went?

All she’s doing is repeating what the announcer in the game says. It’s really annoying.

I made it to 17:00. That’s enough for me.

5 thoughts on “The Triumphant Return of Retro Ali

  1. Morrissey said it best in William it was Really Nothing: “How can you stay with a fat girl who says would you like to marry me? And I f you’d like you can buy the ring!”

    1. Her name is probably Alison, Alice, or something that starts with those letters. I really don’t care but I’d love to see her get cornered on why she hides behind the avatar. Is it weight? Maybe. I just want to see/ hear the reaction to daring to question that. Have you seen funky spectrum and his burger George avatar? I pissed and shit myself laughing. Pure brilliance. If Ali did that, I’d watch.

        1. Could be trend chasing. This “Vtuber” stuff is somewhat popular, though it is past its peak in 2020.

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