Newt Wallen’s Penis

Nobody wants this, Newt. Well, maybe Joe from Gamesack and whoever those other “Youtubers” were who asked to see Newt’s penis presumably want this. But I don’t. I’m a heterosexual man.

And then in the comments, he says, “I think he undersold but maybe 1 day ill post reference photo if people ask nice”.

No. You’re not listening, Newt. We don’t want this.

He must have also sent this picture to the guy who made the drawing. It’s completely insane.

Newt seems to be taking a break from his channel. I remember him saying something about this. He’s didn’t want to keep shitting out videos for the sake of it and/or he was working on his mental health. Good for him. Continue with that work. Doing this weird, gay bullshit isn’t going to help with your mental health.

What else do I want to say about Newt’s penis? I think that’s it. I think that I’ve said all that I want to say about Newt’s penis. So how am I going to pad this article out? Something life-affirming. And non-gay.

Oh, I thought of something. And it’s penis-related so it works.

In like the 4th to 7th grade, I was on the track team. I’m not saying that I was good by any means but, unlike in other sports, I wasn’t embarassingly bad. I mean, it’s just running. I can run.

It was track and field, actually. I wasn’t so good at the field stuff. It’s like discuss, shot put, long jump, high jump…I think that was it. You had to do one field event and one track event, at least. I did long jump. I wasn’t very good but, again, I did a respectable job. I never got a ribbon, only the top 8 finishers would get ribbons, and there would be like 50 kids doing this shit, but whatever. There’s more to life than ribbons. And at least I beat the fat kids.

Track was better. The 200 meter race seemed to be my distance. Because I didn’t run particularly fast, so wasn’t good for the short distance sprints. And I couldn’t run for long distances without quickly tiring so 400m and up were out. So 200m was it. The perfect distance for somebody who isn’t particularly good at running any distance.

I never won but I might have got third place once in a while. Out of 8, I guess. Eight man races.

Anyway, we had to train a lot. I don’t remember exactly how often. Maybe twice a week, after school. We’d do some exercises in the school gym and then run out to the high school track, which was like…I don’t know…two miles away and then we’d practice at the track. We were in grade school but the high school let us use their track. Probably rented it out to schools who were interested.

But back at the school gym, we would do stretching exercises. Leg stretches. “Butterflies” were a common one. If you’re unaware, this is where you sit with your legs outstreched and you pull your feet to your crotch as close as possible and then bounce your legs, like a butterly flapping its wings. It sounds pretty gay when I describe it.

Our coaches were a husband and wife. I think that the team was co-ed but I don’t actually remember any girls. No, it couldn’t have been co-ed because of what comes next in this story.

The wife was telling us to do 50 “butterflies” or whatever. So we’re sitting there bouncing our legs. But she’s not happy with this. She thinks that we should do more stretching. She says, “I’m worried about your groins.”

What the fuck? Worry about your own “groin”, madam. Not the “groins” of a bunch of 12 year olds.

I just found the comment really awkward and weird. So much so that I still remember it 30 years later.

There was another time when we went to a field trip to the Big City. This was probably in the 7th grade. I can’t remember where the trip was but there was a speaker talking about advertising. The evils of advertising. Something like this. And he showed a picture of Joe Camel and said that the face looks like a penis and testicles.

This might have been an appropriate comment in a university lecture. Or maybe even high school. Maybe. But not to a bunch of seventh graders in a Catholic grade school.

I remember our teacher smiling politely but uncomfortably at his comment and everybody else being uncomfortable too. And then the guy swifly moved on.

After the trip, I was talking to a classmate and we agreed that this guy was a total pervert for making this observation. “Only somebody with a sick mind would see that in Joe Camel.”

Actually, I guess that the resemblance is there, if you have a small, mishapen penis and large balls but at the time, I was convinced that this guy was just warped in the head and destined for eternal damnation.

In any event, it’s a weird thing to say to a bunch of 12 year olds.

And then there was the guy who would shove his penis into the face of some boy at school. The guy who did it was the biggest bully in our class and he was kind of friends with the other guy, who was a bully, but I guess that sometimes they didn’t get along.

So for a few weeks, this guy would run up to the other guy, pull his pants down, and shove his tiny penis into this other guy’s face. He’d get right up in there. Like one inch away. Maybe closer. Then he would say stuff like, “See? He likes it.”

And I remember the guy who was having this done to him just looking so disgusted by this. And when this kid would shove his penis into this other kid’s face, the kid who was receiving it would always turn his head and look away.

This was happening probably in the 6th grade. Maybe 5th. It was the first year that we would get changed in the lockerrooms, I think. There were four lockerrooms and each lockerroom had an “attendant” or something, whose job was to report any misbehaviour to the gym teacher. It was just a student who was appointed by the teacher.

So this attendant was watching this whole penis thing. It was like the second or third week that this was going on. We had gym class once a week. And everybody was disgusted by this guy’s behaviour. Nobody was into it.

So the attendant finally told this guy to stop. But he couldn’t be too forceful about it because this guy was a bully and prone to violence. But just through the general disgust that everybody had when this guy was doing that shit, I guess that this bully finally gave up this game of showing another boy his penis. And yet somehow suggesting that it’s the other boy who’s gay. Not him. Not the guy who’s trying to get a blowjob from another boy.

That kid must have been getting sexually abused to be exhibiting behaviour like this. It would explain the bullying behaviour too. And the low grades. He went to a different school by the 7th grade. Thank fuck. He was an asshole.

It’s kind of the same behaviour that Newt exhibits. Forcing people to look at his penis. And then saying, “Oh, I’m not gay. You’re the one who’s gay because you looked at it.”

3 thoughts on “Newt Wallen’s Penis

  1. He’s so starved for attention he volunteers to have porn drawn of him. That’s insane. Not even Justin was that desperate. And considering all the controversial and embarrassing shit he’s done to be noticed that is a high bar.

    See a shrink asap Newt and get these issues of being ignored dealt with. You’d think after the plagiarism controversy he’d be hesitant to posting embarrassing shit that could come back to bite him in the ass.

  2. In times like this we must reconsider and allow ourselves to think that, despite every, Erin’s videos and content aren’t that bad.

    Yeah, I’d rather watch a picture of Erin than one of a dude’s dick.

    This is what internet content has come down to… Guys forcing their dick picks on everyone.

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