WTF Wednesday Review: Lost Highway – Newt Wallen

Fifty-three fucking minutes of PVC Bondage Girl (who perhaps needs to lay off the Bavarian pretzels for a while) and Newt, in Newt’s car.

They’re clearly in a relationship. Come on. Maybe PVC Bondage Girl’s Minnesota girlfriend can’t see it, but I can. I’m not fucking retarded. They’ve done like a dozen videos recently. They’re always watching movies together. She’s always in his kitchen. Late at night. Or in his car. He’s probably paying her. Some sugardaddy thing. This is what Newt does. He’s a fucking creep.

So they’re going to talk about this tits and gore movie because this is all that Newt knows how to do. And he’s making these videos so fucking long. He’s taking the worst aspects of Hack the Movies and applying them to his shitty channel. Here’s what he’s doing:

  • Find an unattractive woman
  • Summarise the movie
  • Have the video go on for about an hour or more

These are the things that have made Hack the Movies UNWATCHABLE. So Newt has taken these fucking god awful ideas and ran with them. He’s ripping off Hack the Movies and doing so in the worst possible way.

Hey…Ideas Man…maybe try ripping off the GOOD aspects of Hack the Movies. He doesn’t have a fucking clue.

1:00 – PVC Bondage Girl indicates that she was born in 1997. That makes her about 25 years old. Newt is about 40. How much is this costing you, Newt?

2:45 – Eugh. PVC Bondage Girl is talking about the favourite movies of the Columbine shooters. She’s interested in this shit. Just like Horseface has an interest in murderers.

This is so fucking boring. I’m just listening for the word “tits”. But I’m thinking maybe it’s anti-depressant medication that’s the cause for PVC Bondage Girl’s weight gain. So it’s a difficult situation. I don’t want to suggest that she stop taking the medication.

I went out with a big fat chick. Once. She said that her weight gain was a result of anti-depressant medication. I really liked her. We had a lot in common. And she was a nice woman and had a good job. But she was a great big fat chick. So I suddenly became really busy.

Newt is PAYING for this.

I’m reminded of another time where a 19 year old fat chick who I matched with on Tinder suggested that I should pay for her books for university. She was suggesting some sugardaddy thing.

Really? A fat chick? FUCK OFF. I’m not paying for a fat chick.

Newt is.

I’m at 22 minutes, by the way. Nothing is happening. It’s just noise.

Here’s another story that I’m reminded of. I worked in a place that was mostly immigrants from Pakistan. And they would talk in whatever their language is. All fucking day. It was awful. If it was in English, at least you’d be able to follow along. But since it was…whatever this language is, it was just like a buzzing noise. All fucking day.

24:30 – Oh, Newt is telling PVC Bondage Girl a funny joke. He’s a real comedian.

Newt: What do pools and women have in common?

PVC: They’re both wet. What is it?

Newt: They both cost a lot to maintain for the amount of time that you spend inside of them.

Yeah. Newt. Just tell us. How much are you paying PVC Bondage Girl?

By the way, they’re just talking about all of the sex scenes in this movie. Apparently, there are a lot of such scenes. And pornography.

This is fucking terrible. Who is this for? Who’s being entertained by this? I have no fucking idea. This is just Newt’s extremely misguided attempts to woo PVC Bondage Girl. But he’s already fucking paying her. You don’t have to woo her. “Boy, I hope this prostitute likes me.” It’s fucking weird.

I’m at 31 minutes now. Can I stop yet? Yeah. Fuck this shit.

Let’s see what The Ideas Man is doing over on Twitter. Youtube analytics is my guess. Maybe some dead celebrities. And the people responding will be ladyboys.

Oh, riveting stuff, Newt. Actually, I’m going to unsubscribe now. Newt was the one channel that I was subscribed to. But his content is fucking unwatchable now. So now you’re 201 subscribers away from 10,000.

Newt says, “get me to 10k. Ill do full frontal”

Why would anybody want that? And I’m suddenly reminded of the time when Newt flashed the camera in some video, which I assume is deleted now, and…this is not a man who should be flashing anything. Get to work on building the Adonis and then maybe. But some fucking fat, dumpy, 40 year old man? Fuck no.

I talk about the flashing video there. The video is still up, surprisingly.

“Yo @RGT_85thank you so much for posting this video and sharing your struggles with depression. I hope more and more Men can start to talk about this shit and stop invalidating people who are tired of raw dogging reality”

And he links to a video where some guy talks about depression. Some camp fucking low-functioning redneck. He’s all melodramatic.

Hey. Nancy boy. I’m sympathetic to people who are going through depression. What I’m not sympathetic towards are fucking creepy weirdos like you and Newt Wallen who wallow in depression because they’re trying to garner sympathy from others. Fix your fucking problems and then the depression will go away. Try getting a job. Maybe that will help.

“Gee, I have no job. No girlfriend. This is really depressing.”

Of course it’s depressing. So go get a job and a girlfriend. What’s so hard about this? Isn’t the solution obvious?

No. They want to keep making peanuts on Youtube with their shitty, unwatchable videos and get pitied by ladyboys. It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

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