Happy Birthday to Erin Plays!

I’m now 35! I’ve felt more “myself” and more comfortable in my skin in my thirties than I ever did in my 20s. I don’t usually announce it’s my birthday but I figure 35 is a big one so whatever

Thirty-five years YOUNG, am I right? Negative thirty-five years old.

Thirty-five years totally wasted. What does she have to show for her life? That Britney Spears t-shirt? That god awful tattoo?

And if this is Erin when she’s “comfortable”, how insanely awkward must she have been in her 20s? She has no social skills. No job. No interests. No hobbies. She’s in this fake relationship. It’s an incredibly sad, pathetic, miserable life.

But let’s see what the horntards have to say.

Oh, Marcus is the top comment. Haven’t seen that guy in a while. I did a whole article on him here:


He wishes her a happy birthday and calls her “friendo”. Erin says, “thanks so much.” Because Erin is Marcus’ friend. There’s just so much warmth between the two of them.

Aw yeah. Joe from Gamesack replied. Let see what witty words of wisdom he has to share.

  • “Twitter put moving balloons all over your profile today. Soon you’ll start getting AARP stuff in the mail. Exciting times!”

You card. I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about but it sounds like it’s supposed to be funny. Chicks like funny guys, don’t they, Joe? Keep plugging away at Mike’s sugarbaby, you pathetic omega orbiter.

  • “I was going to say my 20s WEREN’T awful, but honestly, yeah, they kind of were. It was a tumultuous time in a lot of ways. Got fired from some jobs, crashed and burned out of grad school, some heart break, some surgery. 30s hasn’t been perfect but it has felt more stable.”

A heartfelt summary of a difficult decade of this guy’s life. Erin replies with, “I know what you mean. Mine weren’t horrible either, but I like my brain better now lol. Thanks!”

What a fucking joke. She likes her “brain” better now. That’s the only difference between now and when Erin was in her 20s.

And it’s true, I guess. Erin did NOTHING in her 20s and she’s done NOTHING in her 30s. So there’s no change. And when you do nothing, life isn’t that bad. I guess. It’s just nothing. It’s a total waste. You can’t fail at things if you never try to do anything. But also, we see what this philosophy gets you in life. She’s getting fucked in the ass every night for Youtube promotion. She’s making fifty bucks a month from this.

  • “35 through 40 was the besssssst time for me as a woman. So much adventure and self confidence”

Uh huh. How about now? She has a lot of pictures of her dog on her Twitter but not much else. No husband? Maybe the dog is the husband.

  • “Happy Birthday beautiful!!!!!!!!”

That was from Crystal Quin aka Horseface McGee. I’ll come back to this. But yeah, Horseface has to constantly talk about hot chicks. Why not just say, “Happy birthday”? Why comment on Erin’s appearance?

Because this is all part of Horseface’s narcissism. She thinks that if she calls everybody a hot chick, they’ll return the favour by calling her a hot chick. Not happening, Horseface.

Did you see this awful picture that she posted recently? Let me find it. I don’t take pleasure in this but…Horseface REALLY needs to reign it in, no pun intended.

I’ll just let that picture speak for itself. I probably should have put a trigger warning on that one, so I apologise if you were triggered.

Super Geoff, a legitimate retarded man, says, “Happy Birthday, Erin” and posts a picture of Bugs Bunny doing a dance. Erin has no idea who this is. “Why is there a fucking rabbit doing a dance? I better just pretend to know who this character is. Say something generic.”

Other people post “cute” gifs of Mario, Charlie Brown, and Hans Moleman. Erin has no idea who any of these people are.

Oh, Horny Goriya replied.

  • “Hope you’re having a very happy birthday!”

Erin replies with, “thank you! I ate a cupcake so yes :)”

Horny Goriya asks if it was Erin’s favourite kind. Erin said, “No”.

Way to splash out, Mike. Couldn’t go to Wegman’s for a nice birthday cake? “No, I’ll just get her a cupcake from Wawa’s. Fuck it.”

  • “Happy birthday. I’ve still never seen a single one of your videos 😅 but you’ve been so fun to follow on Twitter. It’s the nostalgia trips honestly haha”

This tickled me. Somebody is actually following Erin on Twitter but never watched any of her videos. Was never tempted. But there’s something about these boring as fuck tweets that he finds entertaining.

Tony from Hack the Movies wishes her a happy birthday.

By the way, notice that nobody other than Horseface is commenting on how hot Erin is. Because this is how normal people behave.

Then about 100 more people say “happy birthday.”

So let’s talk about what Erin did on her birthday. Besides enjoying that delicious cupcake.

She spent it drinking with her sugardaddy’s obese work colleague.

What the fuck? Maybe make some friends, Erin. This is extremely sad.

Get some fucking hobbies. Get a job. Then maybe you’ll meet people. You’re not going to meet people crying in the bathtub all day.

Or what about the horntards? How come Erin doesn’t hang out with any of the horntards? Some of them must be local.

She’s not doing that because they’re fucking mentally retarded. She’s happy to take money from these retards but of course she’s not going to spend time with them socially. It’s ridiculous.

By the way, this picture was in response to Horseface inviting Erin to go get drinks. Justin replied saying that it’s too late, he already went to get drinks with Erin.

So Horseface replies, “Also I’m totally more fun to go drinking with than Justin.” Talking about herself in a thread about Erin’s birthday. Then Justin posts a disgusting picture of himself with vomit all over him. Not sure why he thought that that was appropriate.

Then 8 Bit Eric replies with, “Wish I could grab drinks with everyone”

Who’s 8 Bit Eric? I don’t know. Some guy. He has a Youtube channel. I’ve never watched any of his shit but Darius Truxton used to always talk about him.

So Erin replies with, “Me too. Let’s all go to Chili’s.”

Why only Youtubers? Why not the horntards? Aren’t the horntards your friends?

And what about people outside of Youtube? Why don’t you make actual friends instead of this weird networking bullshit?

By the way, I checked and 8 Bit Eric lives in Texas. So…yeah, he’s not going to Chili’s with you any time soon.

Then, to top it off, Horseface replies with, “I was invited! Unfortunately I am a career woman and I work… a lot.”

This isn’t about you, Horseface. Can you stop talking about yourself for two seconds? Nobody gives a shit about you or how much you claim to work.

And what a slap in the face to Ms Plays over here. She’s the fucking birthday girl and Horseface is saying, “Hey, at least I have a job, you unemployable bitch.”

And I don’t even think that Horseface has a job. Not a reputable one, anyway. She claims to be a “model” and she does “events” and she has “work” pictures of her where she’s dressed like a stripper and whatnot.

But Horseface has to constantly try to be the centre of attention.

Here’s something that Horseface did for work or maybe for her own “enjoyment.” Wow. You’re so cultured, Horseface. You’re seeing a children’s play. Let me know how this one ends. Does Scrooge become a good person by the end of the play?

That reminds me. I was in A Christmas Carol play in the 7th grade. What stories can I regale you with?

Well, during rehearsals, I tried out for…some part that had a few lines. Not many lines but a few. And this was unusual for me because I was a quiet kid. I didn’t like doing this shit. But I thought that I could try.

People really liked my line reading. The line was “All right. I’m leaving.” And the other kids would read it like fucking robots. “All right. I’m leaving.” A pause between sentences. And they would put an emphasis on “right” and “leaving.” But I read it like a human being. “Alright, I’m leaving.” Like somebody who’s annoyed.

The other kids were really impressed and encouraging. They were surprised that I was able to do this because I was such a reserved guy. I didn’t like this stuff. And the teacher also seemed impressed.

Then the cast list came out. I didn’t get the part. The teacher must not have thought that I could have done it. I’d be too embarrassed on stage or something. I got some other part. Some part with no lines.

People were genuinely outraged. One kid spoke up and told the teacher that she has to give me a line. She agreed. So I got a line. “A toast. A toast to Mr Fezziwig. And to Mrs Fezzig too”.

I wasn’t able to do much with that awkward shit. And that line wasn’t even in the play. The teacher just made it up. I don’t know what character I played.

Anyway, I don’t have any harsh feelings towards the teacher. It’s a difficult decision. There are a lot of kids in the class and only so many parts.

But it was perhaps a pivotal moment. In the 8th grade play, I didn’t try out for any part that had lines. I just gave up. Maybe had I got that part in the 7th grade, I would have become a more sociable person or it would have instilled a passion for theatre in me or something. But by not getting the part, I just became more withdrawn and sullen.

In any event, Horseface went to see this children’s play and she thinks that this makes her some kind of big shot. No, it makes you an uncultured buffoon who’s pretending, poorly, to be cultured.

Happy birthday to Erin Plays, though. The first 35 years of your life have been a total waste but there’s nothing to say that the next 35 have to be a waste. Go out and fucking do something with your life for once. It’s not too late. Get a job. Go back to California. Get in a real relationship. None of this is difficult.

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