WTF Wednesday Review: PEARL – Newt Wallen

0:00 – It starts with this woman smoking.  Get used to this.  She smokes and drinks for the entire 27 minute video.  

Where does Newt find these scumbags?  The VD clinic?  

Can’t she put the fucking vape pen and the drink down for just 27 minutes?  Why does she think that we want to see this?  And hear this?  

She must think that this looks cool.  I guess.  “Look at me not giving a fuck at how much of a scumbag I look like”.  

You know, some people smoke to lose weight.  That doesn’t seem to be working here.  Maybe because it’s balanced out by whatever the fuck she’s drinking for the entire 27 minutes.

She introduces herself as Kammy.  Newt says that he’s known this scumbag for over a decade.  

0:30 – Newt says that he wanted to see X (whatever that is) at the cinema that he worked at but management refused, stating that it’s porn.  Newt disputes that it’s porn.  No.  I’m guessing that it’s porn.  But Newt is just all about tits and gore and, in his mind, he elevates this trash to something more than it is.

And he says that he wanted to see this pornographic film with this fucking scumbag Cammy.  Who goes to a porn movie on a date?  Travis Bickle over here.

By the way, here’s the description of X from Wikipedia, “The film’s plot follows a cast and crew who gather to make a pornographic film on an elderly couple’s rural Texas property, but find themselves threatened by an unlikely killer.”

“It’s not about a porn” according to Newt.

0:45 – If anybody can decipher this story from Cammy, let me know.  I can not understand a fucking word of this.

Also, she’s…I don’t know…mixed race?  Hispanic?  

1:45 – So she’s talking about X.  I have no idea what any of this is, by the way.  Pearl seems to be a movie that’s somehow related to X.  I guess.  I don’t know.

“I thought X was great.  Like I said, it’s just — I like how the A-24 movies are really delving deep into the psyche of, like, how women are.  You know, I don’t want to drop the feminist card.”

Yeah.  This is a real feminist over here.  Pornographic films are really exploring the female psyche.  I’d like to hear her views on the feminist overtones of Big Boob Bangaroo 4.

And to anyone wondering what A-24 is, I have no fucking idea and I don’t give a shit.  It’s some stupid tits and gore shit, presumably.

2:00 – Newt says, “I used to tell people that Midsummer was Joker for white ladies.”

Newt, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re a white man.  

The problem seems to be that Newt conflates whiteness with wealth.  No.  You can find white people in all socio-economic classes.  

Newt is a member of the lumpenproletariat.  Most of the women he knows are likewise members of the lumpenproletariat.  And white.  So…I don’t know.  He just lacks the intellect to separate race from socio-economic class.

7:45 – This fat chick is talking about some hot actor in the movie.  Well…it makes a slight change from Horseface’s tedious bullshit.  Different gender.

8:15 – Newt starts talking about his deep knowledge about pornography.  “The stag film he shows her is called Deep Ride.  It’s the oldest still-existing stag film in history.  When I was in film school, we actually talked about that.”

It’s sad that Newt thinks that he learned something in that film school.  He went tens of thousands of dollars in debt to watch porn.  Why?  This shit is free on the internet.  

Pause at 8:51.  Newt is wearing some kind of pearl bracelet.  What the fuck?  Is Newt going to be a sexy lady now too?  Like Ryan Schott?  Anything for attention.

13:00 – Kammy says that she’s Puerto Rican.  Yeah.  The giant hoop earrings lead me to think that she was Hispanic as opposed to mixed race.

I wonder why giant hoop earrings are so popular in the Hispanic community.  And it’s been like this since I was a kid.  It’s just a classic, enduring look, I guess.  

13:45 – In the chat, during the “premiere”, Newt says, “I want to be a 1970s Puerto rican disco queen.”

Well…you’ve got the jewellery for it, Ideas Man.  Follow your dream.

And I wonder how far down the neckline of this woman’s top goes.  To her naval?  Lower?  Is this just completely open?  Is this a jacket?  I don’t know.

17:45 – “I’ve never known anyone whose gone above and beyond to try to make people like them and wind up losing everything so I don’t really know anything about that.”

What?  You mean plagiarising for an autistic man’s Youtube channel?

God.  Newt is such a victim.  Newt plagiarised and HE’S the victim.  Newt thinks that he was doing a GOOD thing by plagiarising.  He’s somehow justified all of this.  It’s insane but in his mind, he did the right thing by plagiarising those Monster Madness videos and it’s everyone else who’s a scumbag for not appreciating his plagiarism.

And this woman looks uncomfortable as fuck when Newt is saying this weird shit.  Then she takes another sip of her beverage.  Of course.  This is what she’s been doing the whole fucking video.  

18:45 – Newt claims that he’s “racist” because he doesn’t know the difference between crocodiles and alligators.  Everything is about race with Newt.  

20:00 – This woman says, “I’ve done ghost writing work for horror movies.”

Uh huh.  Ghost writing, you say.  So you didn’t get credit for any of these movies?  Oh.  Yeah, me too.  I ghost wrote Hoop Dreams.  That shit was all scripted.  By me.

20:30 – She also recently became head chef of…somewhere.  Congratulations on the promotion.

Oh.  It’s a haunted restaurant.  I see.  Well, let’s just move on.  Only six minutes to go.  I’m trying to power through.

25:00 – Newt starts talking about having sex in the projection booth.  Fuck.  I don’t care.  I’m done with this shit.


Nothing interesting.

Let’s check out his Twitter.

“Drawing ever closer to November. And the release of the 1st 3 issues of #FloridaMan saves christmas #comicbooks #indiecomics #mutantfam”

Oh yeah.  I forgot about that plagiarised crap.

Creepy picture of Newt and his cat in bed.  I could have gone without seeing that.

Here’s the twice-weekly reminder of how Newt’s Youtube channel is doing.  Views and subscribers have slowed considerably but he’s still working on it.  He’s at 600,000 views.

What do you want me to do, Newt?  I’m subscribed.  I also promote your videos on the world’s most popular Erin Plays blog.  What more can I do?  If you’re not getting views and subscribers, that’s not my fucking problem.  Maybe try putting out better videos.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *