Is Final Destination A Secret X-Files Movie? – Tony from Hack the Movies

Is Final Destination a secret X-Files movie?  No.  So that’s the video, I guess.  I don’t have to watch an hour and nine minutes of this trash.

I guess that I’ll give it a chance.  I’ve actually seen the movie, which is rare for the shit that Tony covers.  I remember logs falling off the back of a truck.  Was that the movie or was that a sequel?  That was the second one.

What was the first one about?  Let me refresh my memory.  

I’m reading the Wikipedia summary.  It sounds familiar but I’m not entirely sure.  I’ll watch the trailer.  No…it’s not ringing any bells.  

I’m sure I’ve seen it though because years ago, my girlfriend cited this movie as being her favourite movie of all time and I laughed for like 15 minutes.  I shouldn’t have laughed, especially not for 15 minutes, but it was just so absurd to me.  THIS fucking piece of shit is your favourite movie?  And I knew the movie.  I knew the premise.  Somebody has a premonition of their own death, they manage to avoid this death, and then a bunch of stuff subsequently tries to kill them to restore what should have been the original timeline or whatever.  I knew all of this when she told me and this was many years ago.

I definitely saw the sequel in the theatre with her because I remember that log scene.  And I took her to see this movie because she had earlier cited the original as her favourite movie.  

I also went to Final Destination 4 with her.  That’s the one in 3d.  That was awful.  I couldn’t even watch it.  

But the reason she gave for it being her favourite movie is, “You think about what you would do in that situation.”  I know what she meant.  And she was right.  You do think this when you’re watching the movie.  But isn’t that a common thing in many movies?  I don’t know.  Maybe it isn’t.  

Still…I wouldn’t put Final Destination in my top 1000 films.  Come on.  I’m an intellectual.  Easy Rider is still my number one.  And my top 100 probably doesn’t have anything that was made from 1980 to today.

Anyway, moving on.  Tony is hacking some more lowbrow movies.  Let’s check it out.

0:00 – Oh, we have that butch lesbian editor Jessica and Johanna from Hack the Movies.  Is this Jessica’s first appearance on the show?  I do believe that it is.  She was terrible in some Simpsons mini-review that she did and she was awful in some commercial but…who knows?  Can she be any worse than Johanna?  

Oh…what?  What is Jessica wearing?  It’s a tank top with “Green Day” on it.  Green Day must be all the rage with the young people today.  I saw a young woman just recently with a Green Day jacket or backpack or something.  She was in her early 20s, I’d guess.  These people weren’t even alive when the fucking…whatever.  There’s apparently a Green Day revival.  Good for them, I guess.  They were shit in the 1990s and they’re undoubtedly shit today but whatever.  This is what the young people are into.  Sixty year old pop punk rockers.

0:30 – Wait a minute.  Jessica makes a “coming out of the closet” half-joke that I didn’t get.  Then she says, “I want to say that that is not a gay joke because I am very much straight.”

Wow.  My mind is blown.  This changes everything.

First of all, my sincere apologies to Jessica for calling her a butch lesbian all this time.  But…can this be right?  Well, it’s what she says.  I don’t think that she’s joking.  She knows if she’s gay or not.

It didn’t fucking help that Horseface constantly talked about how hot Jessica is and how she wants to have sex with her.  She says that about every woman but this is what happens.  It causes confusion.

No, it’s not just me.  Because just recently somebody left a comment on one of these videos saying, “She looks like she uses pronouns” in reference to Jessica.  

Anyway, I always liked Jessica.  I complimented her old school embracing of butch lesbianism as opposed to becoming “trans”.  But…no, this is a heterosexual woman.  Just…not a particularly feminine heterosexual woman.  And that’s alright.  No problem with that.  That’s cool.  Something different.  I like it.  Be yourself.  That’s what I’m all about.  Individuality.  

0:45 – And then Johanna says “not me”, suggesting that she’s not heterosexual.  You know…Johanna.  The woman who’s getting married to a man.  Not heterosexual.  I see.  Let’s just move on.

1:00 – Some dumb skit.  I don’t give a fuck.

2:45 – Jessica (who is always referred to as “Jess”) says that she was recently in Ireland.  Good for her.  Doing some travelling.  And not the bullshit traveling that human garbage like Johanna does where she just goes to fucking Disney World over and over again.  Jess is doing real travelling.  International travelling.  

I’ve been to Ireland myself.  That was originally where I was planning on living.  I was in Dublin.  But I couldn’t find a job right away and I was living in a hostel with a bunch of scumbags and after a month of that, I said, “Fuck this” and I took a flight to London.  And it took two years to find a job.  

I was also planning on moving to Dublin a few years ago.  I had a job interview there but the woman didn’t even bother to show up.  Unprofessional in the extreme.  I’ve never seen this in my life.  And she knew that I was coming from London just for that one day.  Suddenly, there’s an “emergency”.  So fuck her and fuck that company.  I moved somewhere else instead.  

But that poor experience didn’t sour me on Dublin as a whole.  It was very scenic and most of the people seemed okay and it had a nice, chill vibe.  I don’t think that I’ll be going back, though.

10:00 – Tony is introducing a female character and Johanna says, “She’s so fucking hot.”

Fucking awful.  She’s just stealing Horseface’s gimmick.  If you have nothing semi-intelligent to say, keep your fucking mouth shut.  It’s not hard.  

10:30 – Tony keeps talking about milfs and porn and Johanna says, “Why do you keep talking about porn?”  

This is an intelligent contribution.  I was about to pose the same question.  

Okay, well I made it to 30 minutes.  Nothing is happening.  It’s the usual summarising of movies.  But nothing offensive.  This was fine.  This was background noise material.

Jessica is awkward and has nothing to say but she’s definitely my favourite Hack the Movies co-host.  This is real.  Real people are awkward and have nothing to say.  She’s not talking about hot chicks who she wants to have sex with or any of this mindless blather.  It’s just…nothing.  There’s a lot of talking over as well.  Tony talks over her a lot because he knows that she’s just going to say something awkward.

But it’s not annoying.  It’s refreshing.  I identify with Jessica.  This would be me on the show.  Saying awkward shit that doesn’t go anywhere.  

Let’s peruse the comments.

– “Jessica is hot”

Dude.  Come on.  Really?

Well…now that I know that she’s heterosexual…maybe.  As a butch lesbian, she’s just a butch lesbian.  But as a not-particularly-feminine, heterosexual woman…I might be into it.  It’s something different.  

I’m putting Jessica on top of my Ladies of Youtube list.  And if she comes back, she’ll do better.  This is a skill that improves with practice.  

Hopefully, I don’t get burned like I did with PVC Bondage Girl.  Jessica comes out as a “mudding” enthusiast or something.

– “Dude, definitely need more Jessica in the videos. She’s a delight and funny AF”

There are a lot of messages like this.  People are really into Jessica.  They’re on another planet.  She’s awful.  And not remotely funny.

Still…maybe she’d go out with me.  Maybe the next time she’s in Ireland, we can meet up.  Go to Burger King or something.  Have an awkward conversation over a Vegan Royale.  And then who knows?  Maybe some awkward intercourse.  Anything’s possible.

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