Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XFNJySaU5Y

Tony is wearing the hat that he wore in that AVGN Aladdin video.  You know, the one where Tony was pretending to defecate in the cistern of the toilet.  

This was the image that I used as reference for the banner.  I screenshotted a picture of Tony pretending to do a “double decker” and sent it to the artist.  I also sent her a picture of Tony sitting in a sauna or something, wearing only a towel, and holding a beverage.  

I felt so fucking bad sending that woman these pictures.  But it was necessary so that she could do her job.  She needed to see just how hirsute and portly Tony is.  And the end result is great.

I’m not sure if she’s doing art any more.  Her Instagram hasn’t been updated in ages.  And she closed her Twitter.  She’s from the Philippines but she had a job.  It was something in finance or architecture, I can’t remember.  It seemed like a decent job but she didn’t like it.  Well, what are you going to do?  Maybe she could start making tits and gore movies.  

Speaking of…well, there’s no real segue.  I don’t want to think about this black woman’s tits.  But Tony also has a large pair so let’s go with that.  

Her name is Kira so let’s use that.  I don’t want to have to keep saying “this black woman” and provoke outrage.

Although, I say, “That Italian woman” when talking about the Italian woman who appears on the show, because I don’t know her name, and nobody would find anything offensive about that.

I remember at a job I had, I enquired about a co-worker and the person I was asking didn’t know the name of the person so she just gave a description.  She said, “How to describe him?  He has braids…”

Oh.  The only black guy in the department.  Fine.  Couldn’t you just say that?  

So this is Kira.  She’s here with about six inches of cleavage.  This is a “hot” chick.  By Screenwave standards.  Anything goes there.  If you’re a woman, you’re a hot chick.  We’re all supposed to be jerking off over Kira.  She has a “sexy” Instagram.  She might even be on OnlyFans.

Let’s do a quick Tier Maker of these alleged hot chicks of Screenwave.  From S to F.

Horseface – D
Johanna – D
Mint Salad – D
Kira – D
That Italian Woman – C

And the only reason I didn’t give anybody an “F” is because I thought it would be cruel.  But we’re supposed to be jerking off over these “hot babes”.  Come on.  Get some dignity and put some clothes on.

1:15 – “Every character in the film was hot.”

Great contribution, Kira.  Horseface is sitting at home taking notes.  “Man, this Kira is really on the ball.  She’s raising all of the important points.”

1:30 – Tony “corrects” her pronunciation of Brendan Frasier but…she didn’t even say anything wrong.  What is this?

2:15 – Tony says that Johanna isn’t in the episode because she was involved in a fireworks incident.  Is this a joke?  Let me check her Twitter.

https://twitter.com/shirtsthtgohard/status/1546341909307674625

I think it is because there’s no mention of any hand injury but she does re-tweet a picture of a man wearing a BDSM shirt that says, “Beautiful Dogs Surrounding Me.”  So…is she coming out of the closet as a dog fucker?  What is this?

https://twitter.com/stufflikehearts/status/1547718369545109505

Here’s her new tattoo.  It takes up the entire back of her upper arm.  According to the description, it’s something to do with Kingdom Hearts.  But it’s not some kind of cute video game tattoo that a woman might get.  This is like a trucker tattoo.  Who would find this remotely appealing?

https://twitter.com/stufflikehearts/status/1549110453934104577

“I wanna go home and smooch my cat.”

Uh huh.  Again with the bestiality.

And in her description she gives her pronouns.  “She/they”.  And she’s “pan”.  Mmhmm.  I see.  

What does “she/they” even mean?  I’m not going to look it up because I don’t give a fuck.  But “they/them” would make some sense.  Somebody who doesn’t want to conform to the gender duality.  It’s ridiculous but it at least makes some sense.  Some butch lesbian type who doesn’t feel feminine but doesn’t want to board the transgender train so she just opts out of gender entirely.  Fine.  I get it.

“She/they”, no.  It makes no fucking sense.  

And she’s engaged.  To a man.  At least I think it’s a man.  It’s somebody with a beard.  What must that guy be like that he’s going along with this bullshit?  

Oh, and I missed this one:

https://twitter.com/stufflikehearts/status/1549181028056682496

“Gay blessings to you all!” and a picture of a rainbow.

So…what kind of guy would see all of this shit and then say, “I want to marry this woman”?  That guy must be gay himself.  I mean…what heterosexual man is attracted to butch “pan” women who use “she/they” to describe themselves?  

I don’t see this relationship lasting too long.  If you’re planning on attending the wedding, keep the receipts for any gifts.  What’s the etiquette for wedding gifts when the marriage doesn’t last?  If it ends within a year, are you able to request your gift back?  

Anyway, we’re way off track here.  This is about Kira and The Mummy Returns.  75 minutes of this shit.  I just know that I’m going to watch it all.

5:00 – 

Kira: Jurassic Park III, is that the one where Jeff Goldblum has the black daughter?

Tony: No, that’s the second one.

Kira: Okay.  I loved that.  I was like, “Oh, he likes a little…alright.”

We’re supposed to be jerking off over this.  Oh, and Kira is mentioning her fondness for Jeff Goldblum.  He’s hot.  She wants us to know this.  It’s integral to this review of The Mummy Returns.

6:45 – Tony answers a call from his mother.  She wanted him to watch some movie trailer.  What?  Why is this in here?  

Oh.  Tony says, “Did you know that I was making a movie?”  So maybe it’s a trailer for his shitty movie?  Who knows?  Nothing is explained.  What we do know is that Newt is doing everything in his power to find out what Tony’s movie is about and then Newt is going to plagiarise the script.

9:45 – Kira says that she needs to see a wrestling promo involving The Rock.  She says this in a suggestive manner.  You know…because The Rock is hot.

Fucking shit.  I’ll give Kira this: at least she’s talking about men who she wants to have sex with.  With Horseface, it’s almost always women who she wants to have sex with.  And is Horseface even a lesbian?  I don’t think so.  She’s one of these women who pretends to be a lesbian to excite pathetic men.  

10:00 – Then Kira says that Anubia, who’s a dog-god and I think entirely CGI, is “Also fucking fine.”  

This is fucking pathetic.  Does she have ANYTHING remotely interesting to say about the movie?  Everybody is attractive.  We get it.

What if it was a guy reviewing, I don’t know, The Joy Luck Club.  And instead of discussing the movie, they just said, “Oh man.  I would fuck that Chinese bitch so hard.  And her mother can watch.”

It would be pathetic in the extreme.  It would be the worst fucking movie review ever released and it would be the subject of ridicule throughout the internet.  “Look at this fucking pathetic retard on Youtube doing a review of The Joy Luck Club and all he can talk about is wanting to fuck June Woo up the ass.”

But this is exactly what these reviews are whenever Horseface is there or, apparently, Kira.  And these women are not attractive.  So imagine a big fat guy talking about wanting to fuck the entire cast of The Joy Luck Club.  Same exact shit, just the genders are reversed.  The video would be mocked mercilessly and the guy declared the biggest loser on earth.  

The Rock is not going to have sex with fucking Kira.  Nor is Jeff Goldblum.  Nor is the CGI dog-god.  So just talk about the fucking merits of the film like a normal, semi-intelligent adult.

10:30 – Now she talks about some actress in the film who she wants to have sex with.  

We can stop here.  We know what this is going to be.  It’s going to be 75 minutes of an unattractive woman talking about people in the film who she wants to have sex with.  This shit doesn’t work with Horseface and it doesn’t work with this woman.  This is not cute.  It’s not making my pee pee hard.  It’s fucking pathetic.  You’re pathetic.  Find something else to do with your time.  Maybe get a job.