Full Moon Features: PIRANHA WOMEN (Episode 1 Review) – Newt Wallen


Newt is reviewing some more tits and gore bullshit that nobody cares about.

2:30 – “I worked with a lot of Youtubers and a lot of them I was friends with, I hadn’t given a shit or known about the content that they were making.  For years, they were just doing it to collect the ad money so who fucking cares?  It was all horseshit but whatever.”

I don’t even know where this comes from.  He’s talking about James Rolfe but there’s no real context for any of this.  He was talking about how he was afraid that he might not like this tits and gore movie that he’s reviewing because he says that he’s friends with the director or somebody.  Then immediately after this, he says the above quote about James Rolfe making shitty videos.

I don’t really see the connection.  It was just a flimsy excuse to talk shit about Jimmy.  And not even good shit.  He didn’t say anything interesting.  He just said, “The videos are bad.”  Who cares?  We know that.  It’s not exactly insider information.

3:15 – “Good for those dudes with the ad money.  They don’t have to have real jobs.  And I’m saying that with the self-awareness that I don’t have a real job either right now.  I’m doing a whole lot of production stuff and all.”

What?  Is Newt no longer working at the cinema?  We haven’t seen him there in quite a while, have we?  Let me check the videos.

On 30 May, he did a video where he showed a painting that he found in the cinema.  So he was presumably still working there around that date.

I don’t know.  We haven’t seen the inside of the cinema in many months now.  What happened to PVC Bondage Girl and Mel?  Well, I assume that they’re still working there.  So the real question is what happened to Newt’s employment there?  Was he fired?  It would have been with cause.  Plenty of cause.  The sexual harassment was off the charts.  

4:15 – “Two minutes in: boobs.  So I’m like alright.  He’s giving us what we came here for.  Nobody came here for fucking high art.”

Nobody is watching this shit.  It’s just you.  Newt is the entire audience for these tits and gore movies.  

6:00 – Newt describes the director (who, again, Newt says that he’s friends with) as “the Madonna or the David Bowie of the B-movie world.”

It might be time to update your references, Newt.

6:30 – “He’s a working filmmaker who’s done a lot more than people who are going to shit talk him ever will.”

Newt seems to have the idea that unless you make a movie yourself, you’re not in a position to criticise movies.  I refer him to the following logical fallacy:


6:45 – Newt says that he was having a conversation with Len Kaminski recently.  At least I think that’s who he’s talking about.  Some 60 year old comic book editor and writer?  What a bizarre name to drop.

8:00 – He’s talking about a character in this tits and gore movie.  The boss is talking to his employee.

“Hey, all that extra work that I had you do, that isn’t really your job, it’s great but it’s not good enough.  You should really be like Jeff because Jeff just takes all of his stuff from the internet and puts it together and it’s better that way.”

Newt.  Fuck off.  He’s actually comparing what happened to him to this shitty tits and gore movie.  And he’s clearly trying to justify his BLATENT PLAGIARISM.  Newt is saying that by plagiarising those movie reviews, he was working smarter, not harder, and the end result was better.

What a piece of shit.  There was no creativity whatsoever in what Newt did.  He literally searched Google for a review of the movie, right clicked, went to “select all”, pressed control C, went to Notepad or whatever he was using, and pressed control V.  And he’s presenting this as a good thing.  Newt is a smart worker by plagiarising.  The plagiarised work is better than the work that he could have done by himself.

Of course that last part is true.  Because Newt can’t fucking write.  At all.  But then maybe he shouldn’t have a job where he’s in charge of writing stuff.  

There was nothing remotely clever or positive about what Newt did.  Why does he not get this?  He did it because he was lazy and he can’t write.  Not because he’s a hard worker and wanted to create the best possible movie review. 

This is The Ideas Man.  Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen, his friends call him.  Friends like the director of this tits and gore movie and that comic book writer who nobody ever heard of.  I haven’t seen a shred of evidence of Newt having ANY ideas.  Not original ones, anyway.  He’s FULL of stolen ideas but that’s not challenging.  We can all come up with stolen ideas.  

Here’s my movie idea: Batman.  Batman is fighting crime in Gotham City.  I’m going to make a million dollars with this shit.  Oh, and there’s tits and gore.  I almost forgot the most important part.

8:30 – “I gave Jeff a raise because he did someone else’s work for them but he just cobbled it together from the internet to get it done because it had to get done.  So be more like Jeff.”

Then there’s a knowing pause from Newt.  But this isn’t even what Newt did.  

If you copy from a bunch of sources, it’s pretty lame, especially for something like a fucking movie review, but it’s technically allowed.  If we’re talking about something like a school research paper, anyway.  And all of these sources would have to be cited.  Newt didn’t cite any sources.

But anyway, this isn’t even what Newt did.  Newt took that single review, copied it verbatim, and said, “Here’s my review, Justin.  I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how good this one turned out.”  

There is no getting out of this.  Newt can not possibly convince anybody that what he did was at all virtuous.  The most he can hope for is to say, “Who gives a shit?  It was just some dumb movie review for Youtube.  And Jimmy should have been writing this shit himself anyway.”

But it’s still lazy and fraudulent.  He can’t get out of the laziness and the fraudulence of this.  Nobody is fucking stupid enough to say, “Oh.  You know what?  I hadn’t thought of it that way.  Actually, Newt, you’re a really smart guy for plagiarising those reviews.  I’d like somebody with your intelligence and strong work ethic to be on my team.  How would you like to write Bikini Summer 4?”

9:00 – “Jeff’s like, ‘I got a raise because I did all of this other person’s work by taking all of this stuff from the internet and now I can afford to take you out tonight and treat you.’  He wasn’t punished like some people who do that.”

Yeah.  That’s fiction.  Bad fiction.  In reality, people who plagiarise get fired.  And rightly so.  

It’s unbelievable.  Newt actually believes that he did nothing wrong.  

All that he had to do was write some fucking movie reviews for some three minute videos.  He couldn’t do it.

If it was too much work, all he had to do was say, “Justin, this is too much work.  I can’t do it.  Maybe James should be writing his own movie reviews anyway.”  Newt didn’t do this.  He’s too much of a hard worker.  So instead, he just pressed control C, control V, and called it a day.

9:45 – Newt namechecks his good friend Fred Olen Rays again.  That’s the director of this piece of shit movie.  Newt says that this guy was keeping him abreast of updates to the movie.  Then Newt snickers at “abreast”.  I’m not even joking.

This is like pre-pubescent behaviour.  Go get a girlfriend.  This is some of the most pathetic shit I’ve ever seen.

11:45 – “So Jeff is like, ‘Hey, I’m feeling fucking good about myself because I got a raise for basically doing what I had to do to do other people’s jobs and sometimes that means taking things from other places.'”

Okay.  I’m turning this off now.  

This is disgusting.  Why doesn’t he get it?  Who the fuck tries to justify such blatantly poor behaviour?  Psychopaths do this.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c-mC2RpjWA]

12 thoughts on “Full Moon Features: PIRANHA WOMEN (Episode 1 Review) – Newt Wallen

  1. Okay so revisit this vid and check the comments now lol. Especially Hitman Monaghan's comment. You have to read what Newt was stating in that thread. You're gonna die laughing.

  2. Also someone asked him about the theater, and he said he left in early June and went into “full production”.Kinda sus, but alright

  3. But none were his muse! Only Horseface!Oh Newt. I bet you say that to all the girls.Also that simp saying HTM has gone “screaming” downhill since he left and how all they care about is views. Well, yes Tony does only care about that. That's true. He's fucking neurotic about it openly. But the golden “era” was Newt getting drunk and ranting about his old jobs?…Lol okay. Diarrhea and poop are both forms of crap.

  4. That's interesting. It's a horrendous idea but everything that Newt does is a horrendous idea. I'm just sad that we won't see PVC Bondage Girl or Mel any more.

  5. Now that you say it, Newt said that he had a number of muses. That black woman who we never saw before or since is his muse. That bearded guy who owns a toy store is his muse. Mr Lobo is his muse. But now it's just Horseface? Won't these other people be crushed? He has no sympathy for anyone. The only person on earth who matters is Newt Wallen.

  6. Oh I know she's “joking”. But I also guarantee she's had abortions before purely due to financial reasons. So it's pretty ehhhh lol.

  7. Yeah like, are you…actually somehow making more money?Because that would be the only reason to do it knowing his options. Also funny how he just uses his coworkers and then they're suddenly gone the second he doesnt work at a place. Clearly weren't much of friends with him that it lasted.

  8. We are all but pawns in the tapestry of the maze of his game of Life. A game paved with tits and gore, and copy/pasting.He really has labeled many people that. For sure. It's probably one of the weirdest and gayest things he keeps saying in my opinion lol. He's really stuck on that and doesn't seem to see how it comes off the more he says it.

  9. That's a mixed metaphor, anon. You probably should have plagiarized the metaphor from a 2002 movie review instead. You know, to get the work done.

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