Retro Ali Q&A Panel | UPLINK

The triumphant return of Retro Ali.  Previously, I noted that her second channel (Retro Ali Live) was gone.  And it was gone.  But now it’s back with a vengeance.  I talk about this here:

So this is her “panel” from something called Uplink.  

Oh, I looked it up.  It’s a virtual nerd convention.  A “two-day digital extravaganza”, they claim.  Well, let’s see how extravagant this is.  

Ooh, Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining was also there.  And Kimchica.  Isn’t she that Asian gamer grrl who also makes porn?  No…I’m thinking of somebody else.  But I think that Kimchica also did or does weird semi-nude cosplay pictures.

DariaPlaysRPGs was there.  She’s great.  Does she even make videos any more?  No.  But according to Twitter, she had a baby recently.  Good for her.  The last I heard, she made some video about getting a divorce and her mental health.

God, there were a lot of gamer grrls here.  A lot who I’ve never even heard of.  I’ll have to check these ladies out.

Jluv81 was there.  She’s John Riggs’ 10th favourite gamer grrl.  “I watched one of her videos and…it was just fine.”  What a piece of shit.  

Hard4Games?  This guy stole my nickname.  Actually, I’m pretty Flaccid4Games.  If you’re getting an erection to video games, there’s something seriously wrong with you.

Anyway, Retro Ali.  This is her “panel”.  A one-woman virtual panel.  She’s going to field some questions from the horntards.  People actually PAID MONEY to do this.  You can just ask her questions on Twitch for free.  That’s all that this is.  It’s a Twitch stream.  Why would anybody pay?

0:00 – Awkward as fuck opening.  I won’t even transcribe it.  By the way, this video has 100 views after three days.

Now she’s just saying “What’s up” to everyone in the chat, one by one, by name.  This shit always reminds me of Romper Room.  “I see Jason and I see Billy and I see Mikey.”  Who fucking cares?

1:00 – Ali claims that she makes videos on “game preservation” and Pokemon.  Absolutely no reference to what she’s actually most well known for: cringe as fuck “reaction” videos to mundane bullshit.

4:00 – God, I’m already bored out of my mind.  She’s talking at 400 words a minute and it’s just about Pokemon and anime and shit.  WHO CARES? 

I’m going to put this on as background noise while I do other stuff.  Maybe she’ll say something remotely interesting at some point, but I really, really, REALLY doubt it.

10:00 – She’s still just talking about Pokemon.  ANYTHING would be more interesting than this.  Talk about your fucking life, Ali.  FOR ONCE!  All she ever talks about, whether it’s on stream, her videos, Twitter, whatever, is fucking video game bullshit.  NOBODY CARES!

Does she have any other interests?  Does she have a job?  Does she have a boyfriend?  Talk about something.  ANYTHING.  Tv shows that you’ve recently watched.  Movies.  Anything.  Anything other than fucking video games, Pokemon, and your recent Twitch streams.

She can’t do it.  Maybe this is all that she does.  

She keeps talking about “the current situation”, in reference to covid.  Is this still a problem?  People aren’t wearing masks very much any more.  My barometer is grocery stores and trains.  A lot of people in these places aren’t wearing masks and nobody makes an issue of it.  

But it seems that Ali is still panicked about this.  I’m surprised she’s not wearing a mask here, in her home.

20:00 – She’s still talking about Pokemon and video game bullshit.

25:00 – No change.  I can not believe how boring this is.  Why would ANYBODY want to listen to this shit?

27:00 – “Actually, do you guys want to see my Pokemon cards?  My binder is right over there.”

Oh, don’t tease me, Ali.  We might actually see her Pokemon cards.  Spread that binder, baby.

27:15 – “Do whatever you like to do as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.”

Anyone want to guess what this is a reference to?  BUYING VIDEO GAMES!

Change the fucking record, Ali.  Can you talk about ANYTHING else?  

27:45 – Somebody asked her to get her cards.  “Got my giant binder.”

Oh baby.  Let’s see that giant binder.  This is getting hot now.

28:00 – Oh, she’s going to actually take the cards out of the binder and shows them.  I’m fully erect over here.  Hard4Pokemon should be my username.

Oh my god.  She’s actually doing this.  She’s just showing the fucking cards.  If you thought that this stream was boring before, this is a new fucking low.

“I like this card and I like this card and I like this card.”


32:00 – I can’t.  I can’t do it.  She’s been talking about Pokemon for THIRTY-TWO MINUTES.  GET A FUCKING BRAIN AND GET A FUCKING LIFE.  This is INSANE.  She never talks about ANYTHING other than Pokemon and video games.

Let’s look at Erin, for example.  Erin is an aggressively boring woman.  We can all agree with that.  But go to her Twitter.  Watch her streams.  She’ll talk about things other than video games.  That’s maybe a bad example because Erin doesn’t care about video games but she’ll talk about things other than her actual interests.  

So yeah, she’ll talk about Disney and music and that’s boring as fuck.  But she’ll also talk about her vacations (which are usually Disney, but still).  She’ll talk about her fondness for Kraft macaroni and cheese.  She’ll talk about tv shows that she claims to enjoy.  She’ll talk about things that she did as a child (e.g. she threw up at Pink Dog).  She’ll talk about her “carpal tunnel syndrome”.  Shit like this.  Shit that shows that she’s an actual human being who experiences things in life.

Retro Ali seems to do absolutely nothing other than playing video games and collecting Pokemon cards.  And this is all that she’s ever done in her life.

But we know that this isn’t true.  We know that she lived in Korea.  We know that she has or had a job.  We know that she had or has a boyfriend.  Why doesn’t she talk about any of this stuff?  Why is it always video games and Pokemon?  It’s BORING AS FUCK.

Presumably, she doesn’t want to share these things.  She doesn’t want people to know anything about her.  That’s fine.  But this is why the videos are boring as fuck.  Who cares what this robo-woman thinks about video games and Pokemon?  We don’t know anything about her other than she likes video games and Pokemon.

So let’s check out the comments.  Oh, there are none.  It seems that I’m not alone in not giving a fuck about Robo Ali.

Oh, and I’ve now looked up these so-called gamer grrls who were also at this virtual nerd convention.  With two exceptions, they are ALL OnlyFans “models”.  And I don’t mean that they’re on Twitch and they also have an OnlyFans.  I mean that they’re on OnlyFans and THAT’S IT.  What the fuck does this have to do with video games?  It really sends a negative message to any girls or women out there who like video games.  This is what you have to do to get invited to these virtual nerd conventions.  Set up a shitty OnlyFans.  Nothing to do with video games.

There were also a couple of alleged games journalists, I guess.  And they weren’t on OnlyFans.  But it was overwhelmingly OnlyFans “models”.  And not even nude, from what I could tell.  Just weird cosplay bullshit.  Why would I pay for that?  I find the cosplay bullshit even more offensive than the nude OnlyFans models.  Be honest with what you’re doing.  Be honest with the audience.  And give the people what they want.  Nobody gives a shit about your cosplay bullshit.

Anyway, the two exceptions were Rabbit Plays Games and VIVY Has A Dream.  Both of these channels have about 2,000 subscribers.  Rabbit Plays does old school let’s play videos and she often complains that nobody is watching her videos.  Yeah, let’s play videos don’t seem to be popular any more.  I don’t want to watch part 110 of you playing some RPG that I’ve never heard of.

And Vivy Has a Dream makes videos where she tries to recreate the food found in video games.  This is something different at least.  She’s a Chinese woman.

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