Bucks County Glen Ross
Written by
GamerGrrls
Int. Screenwave Office – Night
PILUSO, a heavyset man in his 30s, sitting at one of a row of metal desks. On one wall, a large banner that reads “The Angry Video Game Nerd,” and various Star Trek posters, and a large map of Bucks County, Pennsylvania. SILVERMAN, a corpulent man in his 40s, sits at one desk, next to Piluso. He struggles out of his coat, opens a Pokemon manga.
PILUSO
I’ve been thinking. How about in the next AVGN video, we do a joke where the Nerd is actually EATING poop? Do you think that Rolfe would go for that?
SILVERMAN
You know that he would. But the real issue is whether or not Youtube would allow that. I’ll run it by Schott.
PILUSO
And what about pee? I was thinking…
Piluso leans into Silverman, whispers.
ANGLE – CU SILVERMAN AND PILUSO
PILUSO
Who is that guy?
Piluso gestures. They both look, surreptitiously.
ANGLE – THEIR POV
SCHOTT, a heavyset man in his 40s, at the end of the office. in front of a huge whiteboard. Talking to a man (WALLEN), in his 40s, dressed in a drab green suit, the type one can find at Walmart.
SILVERMAN
Is that…Wallen?
PILUSO
What the hell is he doing here? He was fired for plagiarism like six months ago. YOU were the one who fired him.
SOUND of a door opening.
ANGLE – PILUSO AND SILVERMAN
look around, ROLFE, a bald man in his 40s, is coming in the door, getting out of his coat.
ROLFE
Hey guys! It’s my daughter’s birthday today so I brought some cupcakes for everyone. My wife got them from Wegman’s. See? Aren’t they nice?
Rolfe proudly shows off box of uninspired store-bought cupcakes.
CLOSE UP of cupcakes.
ANGLE – SCHOTT AND WALLEN AT THE WHITEBOARD
CLOSE UP to the front row. CAMERA FOLLOWS.
SCHOTT
It is five-forty.
He closes the front doors.
ANGLE – PILUSO AND SILVERMAN
Piluso makes eye contact with Wallen, shrugs, and gives a quizzical expression.
PILUSO
(sotto voce)
What the fuck is he doing here?
Silverman shrugs. He does not know.
ANGLE – SCHOTT
walks around to rear door, closes it just as Rolfe is entering.
SCHOTT
(to Rolfe)
And where is Mister Fallon?
ROLFE
Don’t ask me. You’re the boss.
Wallen, at the front hall, speaks. Schott looks out the back door, closes it.
WALLEN
Lemme’ have your attention for a moment.
ANGLE – WALLEN AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM
WALLEN (CONT’D)
‘Cause you’re talking about, what you’re talking about, bitching about that sale you shot, some sonofabitch don’t want to buy land…somebody don’t want what you’re selling, some broad you’re trying to screw, so on, let’s talk about something important.
(to Schott)
Are they all here?
SCHOTT
All but one.
WALLEN
(checks watch)
Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important.
Silverman gets up, walks over to the cupcakes on a small table in the back of the room. He starts to pick up a cupcake.
WALLEN
Put that cupcake down. Cupcakes are for closers only, you think I’m fuckin’ with you, I am not fuckin’ with you: I’m here from downtown, I’m here from Mitch and Murray…and I’m here on a mission of mercy…
(he checks notes)
Your name’s Silverman?
SILVERMAN
You know it is, Wallen. We’ve known each other for twenty years.
WALLEN
You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch…
ANGLE – ROLFE
Rolfe gets up, starts for the door.
ROLFE
I just came here to drop off some cupcakes. I have to go pick up my kids now. I don’t have time to listen to this shit.
WALLEN
You certainly don’t pal, cause the good news is: you’re fired.
(pause)
The bad news is you got, all of you’ve got just one week to regain your jobs. Starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s sit…
Rolfe sheepishly sits back down.
PILUSO
What the fuck are you doing, Rolfe? He can’t fire you. You’re our biggest client. And Wallen is the one who’s fired. He has no power over anyone here.
WALLEN
Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado.
PILUSO
Do they even make those any more? What’s going on here?
WALLEN (CONT’D)
Anybody wanna’ see second prize?
He reaches into his briefcase, takes out a cheap packaged set of Japanese steak knives.
WALLEN (CONT’D)
Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture, are you laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit. Hit the bricks, pal and beat it because you are going out.
SILVERMAN
What leads? This isn’t the sales department and you know it.
WALLEN
The leads are weak! The fuckin’ leads are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business for fifteen years.
ROLFE
Mm hmm.
WALLEN
Fuck you, that’s my name. You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty-thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name.
Wallen walks over to Silverman.
WALLEN
And your name is you’re wanting. You can’t play in the man’s game, you can’t close them, then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me, you fucking faggots?
PILUSO
What? You can’t say that. Can he say that?
Piluso looks at Schott.
ANGLE – SCHOTT
Schott nods.
ANGLE – THE WHITEBOARD
Flips whiteboard over, revealing writing.
WALLEN (O.S.)
A. B. C.
A. Always
B. Be
C. Closing, Always be Closing. Always be closing.
A.I.D.A.
Attention, Interest, Decision, Action.
Attention: Do I have your attention?
Interest: Are you interested? I know you are, because it’s fuck-or-walk: you close or you hit the bricks.
Decision: Have you made your decision for Christ?
and Action.
A.I.D.A. Get out there, you got the prospects coming in. You think that they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don’t walk on the lot ‘lest he wants to buy: they’re sitting out there, waiting to give you their money… Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?
ANGLE – SILVERMAN
looking disgruntled
ANGLE – ROLFE
ROLFE
Yeah.
WALLEN
What’s the problem, pal?
ROLFE
There’s no problem. I just need to get going. Can I go, please? My kids are waiting for me. They’re at piano rehearsals.
ANGLE – CU WALLEN
impassive
ANGLE – WALLEN HOLDS UP HIS WRIST
shoots the cuff. 1980s Casio digital watch.
WALLEN (O.S.)
You see this watch…? You see this watch?
ROLFE
Mm hmm.
WALLEN
That watch cost more than your car. I made nine hundred seventy thousand dollars last year. How much did you make?
ROLFE
I don’t know. My wife deals with all of that.
WALLEN
You see, pal…that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you, go home and play with your kids.
PILUSO
Oh, come on. That’s not right. (to Schott) Are you going to let him talk to Rolfe that way?
ANGLE – SCHOTT
Schott nods.
ANGLE – WALLEN AND ROLFE
WALLEN
You want to work here? Close.
ANGLE – WALLEN AND PILUSO
WALLEN
You think this is abuse…? You think this abuse, you cocksucker…?
PILUSO
Just so everyone knows, I’m going to be filing a formal complaint about this.
WALLEN
If you can’t take this, how can you take the abuse that you get on a sit? If you don’t like it, leave.
PILUSO
You’re the one who’s been fired, Wallen. Not me. Why are we even listening to this? Guys?
Silverman and Rolfe look away.
WALLEN
I can go out there, tonight, the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars. Tonight. In two hours. Can you? (to Rolfe) Can you?
Rolfe looks dejected.
WALLEN
Go and do likewise. A.I.D.A. Get mad, you sonofabitches, get mad. You know what it takes to sell real estate?
He reaches into the case, takes out a pair of brass balls, in a leather jockstrap contrivance.
ANGLE – WALLEN
WALLEN (CONT’D)
It takes brass balls to sell real estate.
CLOSE UP of Wallen’s crotch.
The brass balls crashing down on the table.
ANGLE – WALLEN
WALLEN (CONT’D)
Go and do likewise, gents. The money’s out there, you pick it up, it’s yours, you don’t, I got no sympathy for you. You want to go out on those sits tonight and close, close it’s yours; if not, you’re gonna be shining my shoes.
PILUSO
Those are sneakers, Wallen.
WALLEN (CONT’D)
And you know what you’ll be saying? Bunch of losers, sitting around in a bar. Oh. Yeah. I used to be a salesman…it’s a tough racket.
PILUSO
So are we salesmen now? Can anybody tell me what’s going on?
Wallen holds up a stack of leads.
WALLEN
These are the new leads, these are the Bucks County Leads. And to you they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you would just be throwing them away.
Wallen hands leads to Schott.
WALLEN (CONT’D)
They’re for closers.
Beat.
WALLEN (CONT’D)
I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.
The CAMERA FOLLOWS Wallen as he walks over to Rolfe.
WALLEN
And to answer your question, pal. Why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked for a favor, I said the real favor would be to follow my advice and fire your fucken’ ass, because a loser is a loser..
ROLFE
Yep.
He walks into Schott’s office followed closely by Schott. Schott closes the door.
ANGLE – THE FACES OF THE MEN
A bit stunned.
PILUSO
So Wallen is working here again?
SILVERMAN
I…guess.
PILUSO
And we’re salesmen now?
SILVERMAN
It would seem so.
PILUSO
And people are really going to get fired?
SILVERMAN
I don’t know. Nobody told me anything about this.
PILUSO
What are we going to do? Rolfe?
ROLFE
I don’t know what you’re going to do but I’m going to get out there and sell those fucking leads. I know a lot of people who need index cards.
PILUSO
No, Rolfe, I don’t think that that’s what…
ROLFE
But right now, I have to go pick up my kids. My wife is going to kill me. I’m ten minutes late.
Rolfe grabs his coat and rushes out the door.
PILUSO
Silverman? Any ideas?
SILVERMAN
Let’s figure it out over pancakes. Come on. Let’s go to Denny’s.
Piluso and Silverman pick up their coats and head toward the exit.
FALLON, a bearded man in his 30s, dressed in denim enters from the same door.
FALLON
Hey guys. Sorry I’m late. I was editing the latest AVGN video. What did I miss?
Piluso and Silverman look at each other.
SILVERMAN
I’m sorry, Fallon, but you’ve been fired.
FALLON
What? But I was just really busy editing. I’m sorry. I’m just swamped with work right now. I’ll do better. I promise.
SILVERMAN
No, it’s over. I fought for you but it was a Schott decision.
Silverman pats Fallon on the shoulder.
Silverman and Piluso leave.
Fallon wipes away a single tear, then leaves.
INT. SCHOTT’S OFFICE
A single executive desk, large leather chair on one side and a small aluminium folding chair on the other. Superhero posters on the wall.
ANGLE – CU SCHOTT AND WALLEN
SCHOTT
Okay, Wallen. I’ve done my part. You got your job back and you got to recreate the Alec Baldwin scene from Glengarry Glenn Ross. Now delete the pictures.
WALLEN
Not so fast. I also want to take over Talking About Tapes. And I want Quin to be my co-host in every episode. And I only want to review porn.
SCHOTT
What? You sonofabitch. We had a deal.
WALLEN
The deal has been altered. Or maybe you want Silverman to see exactly why a hole had been cut into his giant Gengar plush.
SCHOTT
No, no. Fine. Piluso is off of Talking About Tapes and you’re in and I’ll make Quin be your co-host on every episode and you can review porn. But then you have to delete the pictures AND the videos.
WALLEN
Deal. Get her in here.
Schott sends Quin a text.
ANGLE – CU QUIN
QUIN, a horseface woman in her late 30s, wearing half a top, enters.
ANGLE – QUIN AND WALLEN
QUIN
Wallen? What are you doing here? Your plagiarising ass was fired. Get out of here.
WALLEN
Things have changed. I’m the new host of Talking About Tapes.
Quin softens
QUIN
Oh. Really?
WALLEN
It gets better, baby. You’re my permanent co-host.
QUIN
No kidding? You’re the best, Wallen!
WALLEN
(to Schott) Get the fuck out of here, you sick freak. I’m going to have sex with my muse now.
SCHOTT
Yes, Mister Wallen
Schott exits.
Quin climbs on to the desk.
Lights dim.
QUIN
Oh Wallen!
FADE OUT
END
Lol this isn't a script. This is his actual goal.Tony is a massive cuck and suck up too, so it's like real life already.
how much more mileage can he get out of horseface woman? someone please tell the man it's high time he let it go. it's over. move on.
I stumbled upon this mike matei commenthttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgT6wg8nnBoYou'd get the impression that Mike was behind everything that made the nerd a memorable youtube channel. a certain lazy movie curator should be eternally grateful for all the help he's been getting along the way. I haven't ever seen someone do so much for someone else.
one facet of disturbing portent to their business model is that the only reason that they don't implement some of their turd-related ideas is due to perceived censorship. these morons are always dying for extra views and clicks, so it's a good thing that they stil fear backlash and negative reception.