Contra How I Remember It – Angry Video Game Nerd – Cinemassacre

I wasn’t going to review this one because from what the boys on Reddit have to say, it’s just a normal, boring, sort-of-good-by-Screenwave-standards sort of video.

But then I started the video.  What the fuck has James been doing with his hair?  

He went from this weird hair in a can/CGI/toupee system to…he just totally gave up on all of that shit.  He was constantly trying to make his hair look…like it exists but this is what he was working with.  So it always looked weird and desperate but…I don’t even know what to say.

The hairline…is there even a hairline any more?  The is just the classic horseshoe pattern of late-stage male pattern baldness.  There’s a tiny strip of remnants between the receding front half of his scalp and the large bald spot at the crown of his head.  And it’s these remnants that he had been growing out and desperately trying to create an entire head of hair with.  

0:00 – So anyway, he’s shilling for that fucking VPN again.  Once again I have to give Screenwave the obvious sponsor suggestion: KEEPS.  It would be fucking hilarious.  Do a Hair Club for Men spoof where James is coming out of the pool and saying, “I’m not just a spokesman for Keeps, I’m also a customer.”  Although, I guess with James’ level of baldness, that might not be a good endorsement for the product.

1:30 – Now we start the actual review and we’re back to the weird hair.  Maybe it was also weird in the ad.  Maybe it just looked worse because the camera was lower so it looked like he was more bald.  But he is bald.  He’s doing some weird shit to try to make himself look less bald.  It’s really distracting.  Either have your natural hair, Larry Fine style, or trim it down, Curly Howard style.  

But this…you just keep looking at it and trying to figure out what he’s doing that makes his hair look like that.

2:00 – Weird clip of one of the Snix childhood movies or something.

And then AWFUL acting from modern day Jimmy.  Absolutely atrocious.  He should be ashamed of himself.  That’s how bad this acting is.  He should feel bad for a releasing a video with acting this horrible in it.  He has to know that this is awful.  

By the way, the “lore” of this is episode has something to do with The Monkey’s Paw.  You know, that short story that you read in the sixth grade.  It was probably the last piece of literature that James read.

2:45 – The monkey’s paw gives him the middle finger in a joke that we all saw a mile away.

Then Kieran in the world’s worst gorilla suit appears and throws a copy of Contra at James.  

James should just take this gorilla suit, cut a circular piece out of it, approximately six inches in diameter, and glue it to the top of his head.  That would look more like natural hair than what he’s currently doing.

4:00 – “Let’s think outside the toilet bowl.”

Instead of “think outside the box”.  Get it?  No, me neither.  Just more scat obsession shoehorned into the video.

4:45 – More awful acting from Jimmy.  This is just really bad.  What happened?  It wasn’t always like this.  It’s like he just totally gave up when Screenwave got involved.  Or was Mike a better director?  I don’t know what the problem is.  But HORRIBLE acting.  So bad that you just want to turn it off.

Somebody on Reddit described the acting as “Chris Bores levels of bad”.  I think that it’s even worse than that.  And yeah, Chris BORES has notably terrible acting skills.

5:30 – Then there’s footage of Kieran intentionally playing the game poorly to simulate how James Rolfe played the game as a child.  And modern James Rolfe is sitting here pretending that he’s playing the game, poorly.  None of this makes sense.

8:00 – More god awful acting.  At least it was brief this time.

8:30 – “Trying to shake some shits out of this gem is going to be tough.”

I’d give context but there is none.  It’s just more totally nonsensical scat stuff from Jimmy.

11:00 – Hello, special education acting.

11:15 – Speaking of special education, Shit Pickle makes an unfunny cameo.  When has that character ever been anything other than unfunny, thoough.

12:45 – “Can you imagine just being a mouth on a wall of alien bodies?”

No, James.  Or should I say “Kieran”.  I can not.  

15:45 – “The first time I saw that robot spider stomping towards me, I almost shit my pants.”

Uh huh.  More scat fetish nonsense from Jimmy.

18:00 – I’m pretty much done with the video.  But there’s another ten minutes to go…

19:30 – Now he’s talking about the Gameboy Contra game.  Why?  The video started with Jimmy saying that he was only going to talk about the two NES games.  

They could have just ended the video.  Because I’m already fucking done.  I don’t want to watch any more.  This video has overstayed its welcome.  But now I have to watch this Gameboy bullshit that was added just to pad the video out.

Oh, it was just a two second “review”.  Now he’s going to “review” the SNES games for two seconds.  Come on.  This is fucking stupid.  We don’t need two second reviews.

20:30 – More…let me check Thesaurus dot com…diabolically bad acting from Jimmy.  It doesn’t quite capture just how bad the acting is.

20:45 – CGI poop starts raining down and Jimmy keeps saying, “It’s shit.  It’s shit” with his…beastly acting.  It’s just more scat fetish.

I don’t want to watch this any more.  End the fucking video.  Who edited this shit?

21:15 – “Contra Force?  More like Contra Force the Shit Out of Your Ass.”

Do you feel good about yourself, Kieran?  Do you feel good that this is what you’re doing with your life?  Editing videos for this disgusting bald man and his poop fetish?  And he gives you NO credit for any of your work.  And you’re making peanuts.  

22:45 – The same CGI poop and flatulence sounds but for a different game.  This is fucking awful.  Why did the video not end after the NES games?  

23:00 – “Oh make it stop.  Oh, the shits.  I can’t take the shit.”

Is this funny to ANYONE?  This is just James jerking off.

24:00 – Weird time travel bullshit from Jimmy where he tries to be weepy and *nostalgic* for his childhood.  Time travel is one of his autistic obsessions.

God, this is so bad.  It’s like seven minutes of weird *nostalgia*.  And it’s HYPOTHETICAL *nostalgia*.  

28:00 – “Written, Directed by, and Starring James Rolfe.”

Uh huh.  Sure it was.  Blatant fucking lies.  Why does Kieran put up with it?

“Help by Kieran Fallon and Mike Matei”

That’s another thing. I thought that Mike might have written this episode.  This confirms it.  Mike wrote it, Kieran did the gameplay and editing, and James just showed up and did his…scandalously bad acting.  Why is this not reflected in the credits?

I just realised that that monkey paw thing went nowhere.  I don’t even get it.  Just get rid of the dumb skits and lore.

6 thoughts on “Contra How I Remember It – Angry Video Game Nerd – Cinemassacre

  1. great review man. the downside is that erinplays ruined the word nostalgia for me. now it's impossible to use it without recalling our famous 8-bit nintendo specialist

  2. I've heard this but I don't think it's accurate. I've also heard that wearing a hat slows down the balding process. I don't believe that either. He was going to go bald no matter what he did, at the same rate, hatless or otherwise.

  3. “Chris Bores levels of bad”There is an important distiction though. Chris Bores doesn't claim to be a movie or cinema specialist. once you claim that it's your thing, profession and raison d'être, expectations naturally go up. Jimmy's situation is way more embarrassing because he dosn't have the goods to back up his assertions.

  4. I was talking specifically about the acting. I don't think that James claims to be the world's greatest actor, although I'm sure he has a high opinion of his acting ability. The acting in both Chris BORES' videos and Screenwave era James Rolfe are both really, really bad. I know that neither of them are classically trained actors but the acting is shockingly bad. And James used to be able to do a passable job with the acting. Now it's horrendous. I don't know what happened.

  5. Yeah could be. I just feel trapping your hair under a hat with all that heat and sweat so often has to be damaging and possibly promotes hair loss lol

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