Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4Nm4OToOF0

0:00 – “So people on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram are always like, ‘Holy shit, what did you think of the Oscars?’ or, ‘What do you think of the Johnny Depp trial?’  I didn’t know that those things are a thing unless people told me because I don’t watch celebrity shit.”

Really.  

I haven’t watched television in eight years.  So this eliminates watching the news.  I read the news maybe once a week if I’m out and I’m bored, like on a train journey to work.  I have no interest in celebrity news and never have been interested in this stuff.

Nevertheless, I know about both of these stories.  I’ve seen the footage.  You can’t avoid it.  It’s all over.  Youtube recommends videos where other celebrities give their opinion on the Will Smith thing.  It was trending on Google.  If you go to Google and begin to type something, they recommended “Will Smith slap” or something.  It was all over Twitter in the “trending” section.  I have AdBlock but all of this stuff still shows up for me.  

How did he manage to avoid it?  That Johnny Depp trial has been going on for years, I think.  At least it was in the news for years.  

0:15 – “I like the art that these people make but for the most part, they’re all crazy people who are millionaires and live in a detached from reality fantasy world.  I’m liberal and I just don’t fucking care about these people and what they have to say.”

I don’t get what politics has to do with anything.  It’s normally “conservative” people who complain about celebrities.  Celebrities are usually “liberal” so the “conservative” critics will say, “What do I care what that fat bitch Rosie O’Donnell has to say?  She has a 10th grade education.  She should stick to making bad tv shows and keep her political views to herself.”

But Newt is saying that he’s “liberal” so…doesn’t care what celebrities have to say.  I just don’t see any connection.  Even if he said that he was “conservative” so doesn’t care what celebrities have to say, there’s still no connection.  Why bring politics into this?  It’s irrelevant to the topic.

0:45 – Then Newt openly says that he doesn’t care about any of this but he’s making the video to try to increase views to his channel.  Yeah, this is the video that’s going to go viral.  Newt sitting in his office waffling about shit that he doesn’t care about.

Notice the totally bare bulletin board behind him.  That thing should be full of…I don’t know…a work rota, upcoming events, motivational posters, whatever.  I know that things are done electronically now but they haven’t replaced motivational posters yet.  Put a “Working Hard or Hardly Working?” poster up there.  Something to show your wacky sense of humour.  

Or what about about a racy calendar?  Those things haven’t been seen in offices probably since the early 1980s but Newt obviously hasn’t been keeping up with the changing workplace environment as far as sexual harassment goes.  So put a calendar up with some women in bikinis or something.  Or even make a “sexy” calendar using current employees.  Mel and PVC Bondage Girl and whoever else is there and can be coerced into this.  

I used to work at a place, it was a job where you had to deal with the public, and right before you went into the public area, there was a sign that said, “SMILE!”  It was reminding you of the importance of smiling when dealing with the public.  It was also condescending and belittling but this is the American workplace.

Newt could have one in his office that says, “DON’T CREEP ON THE LADIES!” to remind him how to behave on the job.

1:15 – So Newt is going to review a movie from Amber Heard and a movie from Johnny Depp.  I didn’t even know that Amber Heard was an actress.  I don’t know much about the story, to be honest.  But I know of it.  Newt claimed to know nothing about any of this.

2:00 – “You got Tom Atkins, you got muscle cars, you got nudity, you got gore.”

Fuck off.  What is it with him?  He says the same fucking thing over and over and over again.  Tits and gore.  He goes to a therapist of some description.  Talk about this unhealthy obsession.  Speaking of unhealthy obsessions, you might also want to talk about Horseface.

3:30 – “She’s kind of got that blonde, white girl look to her.”

He’s talking about how she doesn’t have a memorable look.  

Newt really seems to hate white people.  This is a phase that suburban white kids go through in like the 9th and 10th grades.  He doesn’t seem to have progressed past that.

  4:45 – “I’m on my third straight 16 hour day.”

Well, let’s look at this.  Why is Newt working 16 hours a day in a cinema?  Is he, or anyone there, aware of what the labour laws are in the state of Pennsylvania?  Even if he’s a salaried employee, this can’t possibly be legal.

Why don’t they just hire somebody else?  Get two fucking managers.  That’s the normally done thing.  A daytime manager and a night-time manager.

And then he has time to make four plagiarised feature films?  And Youtube videos?  

6:00 – The phone rings.  Newt says, “I’m going to just let it ring and see how long it takes for the staff to pick it up.  They have nothing else to do anyway.”  It rang three times.  

He’s trying to shame them for letting the phone ring three times.

And if there’s nothing to do, why is he working 16 hours a day?  

And if he’s so busy, why is he making a 15 minute Youtube video during work time?

7:00 – Now he’s reviewing some Johnny Depp movie.  Sleepy Hollow.  I don’t even remember what the Amber Heard movie was. 

12:30 – “We all win because these two movies are great and, if you are paying attention, we get to watch celebrities making smacked asses of themselves and a hot chick shit in a bed.”

This is the second time in this video that he’s mentioned Amber Heard defecating in a bed.  I didn’t know about this but this was obviously a detail that Newt made a careful note of.

12:45 – “At a young age, my dad said, ‘It’s your job to basically say how much crazy you’re willing to put up with’.  I have had my share of hot and crazy over the years.  I’m the kind of person who likes to say, ‘Well, let’s see where this goes’ and it always backfires on me.  I wouldn’t be running a movie theatre again if these things didn’t backfire on me.”

This paragraph sums up a lot that’s wrong with Newt.

First, it’s a Horseface reference.

Secondly, Newt is under the misguided impression that Horseface is hot.

Thirdly, Newt is somehow blaming Horseface for his firing.  Explain how that works.  Newt has said many times that we should not blame Horseface for him getting fired.  This took me by surprise because…NOBODY was blaming Horseface for Newt getting fired.  

Newt refuses to accept ANY blame for getting fired in spite of the fact that he was 100% at fault.  He did the plagiarising.  Not Horseface.  I don’t even understand how Horseface can at all be involved in this.  

We’re supposed to believe that somehow, Crystal Quin being “hot and crazy” lead to Newt getting fired.  Can anybody explain this?  There is no connection whatsoever.  Even if we accept that Crystal Quin is hot and crazy, which I refute in the strongest of terms (the “hot” part, anyway), it makes no fucking sense.  

How did Horseface being hot and crazy cause Newt to plagiarise movie reviews?  I genuinely want to know Newt’s explanation for this.  What role did she play in him getting fired?

And Newt talks about how he worked too much at Screenwave.  He always said, “I can do it” to anything that was asked of him.  He makes a big issue of the fact that he was overworked at Screenwave.  He was just such a “hard worker” that he could never say “no” to anything.

So what does he do when he works at the cinema?  The same fucking things.  

Is he incapable of learning?  He continues to work long hours, he continues to plagiarise, and he continues to creep on his “hot” female co-workers.  In spite of the fact, that this all lead to him being fired from his last job.  

What would be a good job for somebody with Newt’s unique skillset?  Well, China has a big problem with plagiarism.  They rip off EVERYTHING in China.  There’s bootleg KFCs, bootleg McDonald’s, bootleg Apple stores, bootleg Mercedes.  You name it, they’ve bootlegged it.  

I’m thinking that Newt would fit in well there.  They also work very long hours in China.  And sexual harassment isn’t really a thing there.  

So I don’t know.  Maybe Newt can manage a bootleg AMC Theater in China.  And they’ll show all bootlegged movies.  And he’ll work 16 hours a day, seven days a week, and live in a dormitory in the theatre with sexy Chinese ladies who also work 16 hour days there, who he can creep on constantly.  Oh, Newt so horny.  Newt so horrrrrrny.

There you go.  I just solved all of Newt’s problems.  All it takes is some self-reflection.  Think about what you like doing and the kind of person you are and then try to apply it to the sort of jobs that are out there.