Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6thDPgD9X2o

0:00 – “Hey guys!  What’s up?  I’m here with…Mike?”

Why does she always do this?  Like she has to think about what his name is.  Or she’s just choking on bile at the mere idea of having to say his name aloud.

0:15 – 

Mike: So you know Plinko from the Price is Right with Bob Barker?

Erin: Yeah!

Mike: And you know it with Drew Carey.

Erin: Eugh.

She’s never seen an episode of Price of Right in her life, with either Bob Barker or Drew Carey.  This is all made up bullshit.  She’s just pretending to like the show, especially the Bob Barker episodes from before she was born.

0:45 – 

Mike: We have these little chips here.

Erin: And they have the Price is Right logo on them!

(Mike totally ignores that stupidity)

(Erin laughs nervously) 

Mike: So let’s say, I see that ShiShi is in the chat, right?

Is there ever a time when ShiShi isn’t in the chat?  How does he do it?  How is he able to be there for every fucking stream of Mike’s, Erin’s, and whatever other gamer grrls he stalks?  Because my understanding is that Mike and Erin will stream at any time, day or night, any day of the week.  There’s no set schedule.  And they stream this stuff on short notice.  So they’ll put a tweet out saying, “I’m going to be streaming in 15 minutes” or whatever and that’s it.  How is he able to catch every one of these?  

He obviously doesn’t have a job but he must sleep.  Maybe he gets notifications on his phone that wake him up.  Like every time Erin tweets, his phone makes a noise.  

But what about just things like eating or bathing or going to a doctor’s appointment or whatever?  Getting groceries.  Personal errands, if you will.  Doesn’t he ever get caught out?  He’s there for every fucking stream.  How is it possible?

So here are the rules of this Plinko thing.  Warning: it’s really, really stupid.

Somebody in the chat will get chosen to pick a number.  The numbers correspond to the slots on this cheap Plinko toy that they bought.  Then Mike will drop a chip into that slot and the chip will fall to the bottom.  Mike and Erin will play an NES game of your choice for a certain number of minutes depending on where the chip lands.  So if it lands on 100, they’ll play for a minute.  500 is 2 minutes.  1000 is 5 minutes.  10,000 is 10 minutes.  0 is you lose.

Why the fuck would anybody want to watch somebody play a game for these ridiculously low amounts of time?  Let’s say you get 100.  That means one minute of gameplay.  They’re going to get to the title screen and then say, “Oh, that’s a minute.  Next game.”

And there’s not really much difference between these times.  10,000 is ten times as much as 1,000 but the “prize” is only twice as much.  I’m not saying that you should get ten times as many minutes if you hit the 10,000 jackpot.  I’m saying that the whole idea is fucking idiotic and should scrapped altogether.

This is similar to Mike’s “sub wheel”.  He made a few videos using this.  Here’s one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoTJTzvQYco

That was actually decent in concept but his “prizes” could have been better.  It was shit like he’ll play the game while holding the controller upside down, he’ll bring his Elmo puppet out for a little while, he’ll draw something, shit like this.  

But it at least made sense and it was something different.  I think that Erin also stole this wheel for a stream of her own.  She must have used different “prizes” though.  

2:00 – There’s an edit after Erin explains how the contestants are going to get chosen.  She says that it will be “random” but…not at all random.  She’s an idiot.  Anyway, let’s see what she’s trying to hide again.

Oh, she actually took the video down from Twitch.  It was up a couple of days ago.  There must have been some really weird shit in there that she was embarrassed about.

So we’re picking the first contestant.  You have to be the first person to insert a certain “emote” that’s only available to subscribers.  This is what I was talking about.  This is not fucking random.  First of all, it’s only available to subscribers.  Secondly, this is a game of skill now.  Only the most dexterous horntards are going to have a chance.  And a lot of people with mental disabilities also have physical disabilities.  Did she not consider this?  

Then Erin declares the winner, says, “What game do you want?” and Mike has to correct her, “No, we have to play the game (Plinko) first.”  Then Erin laughs nervously because, once again, she exposed herself as an idiot for the whole world to see.  Was the record store really that bad?

2:45 – Another edit, but sadly, Miss Plays doesn’t want us to see what stupid thing she said. 

It lands in the 10,000 slot and Erin starts imitating a bell ringing and then says, “Because that’s what they do on Price is Right and…ummm…Family Feud and I want that job.”

What job?  The bell ringer job, I guess, but of course there’s no such job.  And are these the only two games that use a bell ringing sound?  Just about every game show does this.  God, she’s so fucking stupid.  She’s never seen any game show in her life.

Oh, this is terrible.  They’re not even using a fucking stopwatch for this.  They’re just using the clock on their computer.  So let’s say you get 1 minute of gameplay.  Unless Erin looks at the clock right after the time changes, you’re not even going to get that minute.  

Let’s say that she looks at the clock at 7:10:59.  She doesn’t know what the seconds are.  She only knows that it’s 7:10.  But then one second later, it’s going to be 7:11 so your time is up.  You got one fucking second of an NES game of your choice.

There’s no excuse for this.  If you don’t have an actual stopwatch, just use your fucking phone.  There’s a stopwatch app that probably comes pre-installed on your phone.  If not, go to the app store and download a free stopwatch app.  There’s also surely some website that will also do this if you just want to use your computer.  

But no.  She’s just going to use the fucking clock on her computer that only displays hours and minutes.  This is all so half-assed, nobody thought anything out, and it’s not going to fucking work.  This stream is a microcosm for Erin’s entire streaming “career”.

Mike is playing the game, by the way.

3:30 –

Erin: I feel like I should find it more enjoyable than I do.

(Mike looks confused.)

Erin: But I was just getting pissed.  I think that I just made it to the second area where there was like trees and leaves and stuff and I was just like, “Fuck it.  I can’t.”

Oh.  She’s talking about the one time when she played this game.  On stream, for money, of course.  Briefly.  

And the horntard obviously chose this game because he wants ERIN to play it.  But Mike is playing.  Mike is playing in this Erin Plays stream.  I guess because of Erin’s imaginary carpal tunnel syndrome.

4:15 – Really weird edit.  What the fuck is she trying to hide here?  She just suddenly zoomed into some part of the game.  

 4:30 – “I just like watching your face.  You’re such a good sport, Mike.”

Erin is amazed that Mike is playing this game.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the game, as far as I can tell.  But Erin is amazed that people play video games because she’s not remotely interested in this shit.  

4:45 – Erin reads a message from a horntard stating that he recently bought one of her shirts.  Erin gets really excited by this and says that “hoodies are coming.”  

Can’t wait for that.  Get your Erin Plays hoodies.

https://erin-plays.creator-spring.com/?

Oh, she has a mug now.  What about a Fleshlight?  Can you do that?  Custom Fleshlights modelled on your own vagina?

Oh, you can.  Not a Fleshlight but a knock off version.  Should I link to this?  Better not risk it.  Nothing would really happen but the article might get marked as NSFW.  But the company is Shevibe.

She’d have to charge like $150 for these things to make it worth her while.  But ShiShi and the gang would pay twice that.

5:30 – “I like the angry frog.  He’s cute.”

Eugh.  This is awful.

I’ve already written so much but I’m only at five minutes.  I’ll get to ten minutes and then stop.  This will be a multi-part article.

6:15 – Mike says, “I hate this game.  I think I get to say that too because I’ve beaten it.”  Then Erin laughs nervously, knowing that she only played it once, briefly, on stream, for money.  Then there’s an edit.

Why is she editing out the fucking gameplay?  What is this shit?  We only get ten minutes (at best) of this shit and she’s editing it all out.

6:45 – Mike says, “What’s an NES game that Erin hates?”

I can answer that one for you, Mike.  All of them.  And Erin is looking awkward as fuck right now because she knows full well that that’s the truth.  She doesn’t know anything about these games, she doesn’t give a shit about them, she doesn’t want to be there, she hates everything about her life, and she wants to be anywhere but here right now.

Then Mike asks her what NES games she hates.  “There must be an NES game that you hate.”  And Erin says, “Oh, yeah.  I’m trying to think.”

She doesn’t know any games, Mike.  You know this.  Why are you setting her up for failure?  He does this a lot.  I think that it’s intentional.  It’s some passive aggressive thing.

Erin says, “I feel like the chat will have an answer.”

Why don’t you have an answer, Erin?  If somebody asks me for an NES game that I hate, I don’t have to ask anyone else.  I know what games I hate.  Why don’t you?  Because she doesn’t play this shit.  She doesn’t care.  She doesn’t know any of the games.

“I’m trying to think.  Games that I actually hate?”

Then she looks at the chat.  “Skate or Die?  I kind of hate Skate or Die.”

Don’t look at the chat, Erin.  Just give an answer.  What NES games do you hate?  Just name one.

She can’t do it.  She’s just reading the answers from the chat now.

She couldn’t name one fucking game that she doesn’t like.  Okay, forget that.  Name an NES game that you like.  She couldn’t even do that.  Super Mario Bros, I guess would be her answer.  She’s a big Mario fan.  And then you watch that video…holy shit…let me search the archives.

Aw.  This was back when I had the Erin Plays sub and the article has been lost to the ages.  But I reviewed this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKXb4tiI_PI

Erin is playing Mario Maker 2 with Mike and it’s the worst Mario gameplay ever recorded.

7:15 – Then there’s another edit.  Who needs to see the gameplay?  We’re just here for riveting comments about Erin’s top: “Where did I get this?  I got this at Hot Topic a while ago.  Then they had another one that I should have got but now it’s sold out.”

Fascinating stuff, Erin.  Tell us more about clothes you have and clothes that you wish you had.

By the way, that question about what NES game Erin hates, that subject has been dropped.  Maybe that’s what she edited out: the awkward end to that conversation.

“Target, in the men’s section, has a hoodie right now.  I keep up with all of the Sailor Moon merch.  There’s actually a lot out there right now.  There’s a (something) and Box Lunch (???).  And…but yeah, I think just Target, Box Lunch, and Hot Topic right now.  Oh, and Primitive Skatewear right now has a new Sailor Moon collection but I don’t like it as much as the last one so I might pass on it.  And it’s unisex.”

What is she even talking about?  How does she know any of this?  She knows the current clothing merchandise being sold in these stores?  

Is Box Lunch even the name of the store?  Let me look this up.

Yeah.  They seem to sell a lot of Disney shit.

This is what she’s interested in.  Somebody asks about cute clothes and she’s able to answer right away.  No hesitation, she didn’t need the horntards to give her the answer.  She just spoke freely for a good few minutes about clothes that she likes and which stores you can find these clothes.  

I mean, nobody gives a shit.  These people are interested in video games.  But this is what Erin is interested in.  This is what she spends her time on.  She’s checking out all of the clothing websites for cute new clothes.  She’s keeping up with anything that Britney Spears is saying or doing.  She’s looking at Disney shit.  This is what she’s interested in.  Not not these old fucking video games.  She’s butchering this very video because she doesn’t care about the gameplay and she doesn’t think that anybody else does.  Just keep the bits where she’s talking about clothes.  Fuck this gameplay bullshit.

Then Mike starts talking about the game and Erin doesn’t give the slightest of fucks.  She just continues to look at the chat.

Mike: Why can’t you touch these fucking things?  You know why?  Because you’re supposed to put the candy in them before you can get in them or whatever.

Erin: (sarcastically) Put the candy in them, Mike.

Then there’s another edit.  Erin…we’re here to watch a couple of real gamers like you and Mike play video games.  Don’t you get it?  That’s the whole point of the channel, right?  Video games?  Why are you editing out all of the video game footage?

8:15 – Mike is talking about the game, Erin doesn’t give a fuck, so she interrupts him to answer a brainless question from the chat.  “Hey (some horntard).  We’re good.”

That needed to be said?  She had to interrupt Mike to answer that fucking braindead “How are you?” question that gets asked 500 times a stream?  

And she just gave her usual answer.  “We’re good.”  Super.  We needed that update?  Has your status changed from two minutes ago when some other horntard asked that and you gave the same answer?

8:45 – A horntard mentioned Princess Tomato.  He presumably said that Erin doesn’t like the game.  We’re still on that.  Erin says, “I like Princess Tomato!”

She played it once.  On stream, for money.  And then never again.  As usual.

Erin: I like that game a lot.  It’s insane.

Mike: Oh, yeah.  You like that game.  

Is Mike out of his fucking mind?  He knows full well that she only played it once, on stream, for money, and then never again.  Why is he going along with these lies?  She’s not playing that shit in her spare time.  Not once.  And he knows it.

9:15 – “They’re just going to pick games to torture me.  That’s how this is going to go.”

Why is he even playing this?  I will bet anything that Erin explained, in one of the parts that she’s edited out, that Mike will be playing the games because of her “hand problems”.  

9:30 – So Mike finished with this game.  I’m going to stop here.  There’s another 90 minutes to go.  At this rate, I should be able to get another nine articles out of this.