Here's What's Wrong with Talking About Tapes/Hack the Movies

I saw that this black woman who was in the Ghostbusters review was on the latest Talking About Tapes and I thought, “Oh, I’ll check this out.”

But then I saw the runtime.  One hour and forty-two minutes.  I’m not doing that.  

I mean, I skimmed, I saw her pull the top of her dress up a few times (it’s a small dress, she’s a large woman, and she was self-conscious about everything).  

Then I just said, “Fuck it”.  

I’m not interested in these videos for basically four reasons.

1.  Way too long.
2.  I’ve never seen any of these fucking movies.
3.  All they do is summarise the movies.
4.  Tony uses women as bait to lure in the horntards.

So…it’s a boring format, way too long, and they’re talking about a movie that I’ve never even seen before.  And on top of that, you’re treated like a horntard.  

Not only have I not seen these movies, I don’t even want to see them.  He keeps covering the same fucking genre and decades over and over and over again.  We get it.  You like horror films from the 1990s and 2000s.  But I don’t.  So either broaden the scope of your reviews or I’m not watching this shit.

Tony has mentioned many times, again just recently, that people LIKE the long format.  He criticises people in the comments section who complain about it.  He says that people who complain are new viewers who just don’t get it.

No.  I’ve been watching these videos from day 1, I’m a long time Tony from Hack the Movies fan, and these long videos are unwatchable.  I don’t even attempt them.   

If it was a 30 minute review with all of the other problems that I’ve mentioned, I might give it a chance once in a while.  Maybe Crystal is going to say something stupid again.  Let’s check it out.

But two hours?  Fuck no.  My time is valuable.  Well, not really.  But I would rather do ANYTHING else than spend two hours listening to Tony and the gang summarise a movie that I don’t even give  a shit about.

Let’s talk about the summaries.  This is awful.  Why does he just summarise the movies?  This isn’t a movie review.  He’s just going scene by scene talking about what happened.  This is tedious.  

It’s like those movies where there’s a soundtrack for the blind where they describe what’s happening in the movie.  I might as well listen to that.  

That’s the level of cinematic insight that you get from these videos.  Absolutely nothing.  If Crystal is there, she’ll talk about hot chicks in the movie who she wants to have sex with but other than that, it’s just, “This happened, then this happened, then this happened.”

Two hours of that.  It’s impossible.  Who’s watching these videos?

I’ve explained how this should work before.  Have a summary.  Fine.  There should be a summary.  But not a two hour long summary.  

Then after the summary, do some fucking analysis on the film.  What did you like about it?  What didn’t you like about it?  That would be the most basic of analyses possible and they don’t even do that.  

I don’t expect or want a deep analysis where you get all philosophical or talk about the lighting or the directors or any of this shit.  But give us something.  Do you have an opinion on the fucking movie?  Was there a scene that you particularly liked?  How could the movie have improved?  Shit like this.  Something.  Anything.

And this analysis should be at least 25% of the video.  I mean, even summarising a movie for 75% of the video is way, way too much but I’ll give it to them because that’s obviously what they want to do.  They just want to summarise the movie.  But for that 25%, give us a fucking analysis.  

This is a man who studied film for fuck’s sake.  He went to the same prestigious institution as Terri Shiavo.  Can’t he give us something other than, “This happened, then this happened, then this happened”?  

And yeah, the movies don’t appeal to me.  But even if they did…I’m trying to think…well, I liked The French Connection.  So imagine Tony “reviewing” that movie…no, I don’t want to hear a summary of the movie.  I know what happened.  I’ve seen the movie.  I don’t need a reminder.

Using women to lure in the horntards doesn’t appeal either.  I’m not a horny retard.  Why are you treating me like a horny retard?  

I’ll watch the show, Tony.  You don’t have to entice me with “hot” chicks.  You just have to fix the fucking show.  

One hour, broken down into 45 minutes of summary, 15 minutes of analysis, movies from genres other than horror, movies from decades other than the 1990s and 2000s, and no fucking Crystal Quin.  I’ll watch it.  I’ll watch every fucking episode and review them for the whole world to see.  

Take a look at Siskel & Ebert’s At the Movies, which is where Tony adapted the title of his show from.  I never saw any of those movies that they reviewed but I still watched the show and was entertained.  

Now that I’ve seen many of these movies, I can go back and watch the reviews on Youtube and still be entertained.  

They didn’t do a two hour review of the movie and it wasn’t just a scene by scene summary.  There’s analysis.  There’s intelligent discussion.  And show me the hot chicks.  There are none.  You don’t need that shit when you put out a good product.


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