(Originally published January 2020)
This is my first article about Retro Ali and two years later, it’s the same shit. She makes an “O” face while watching something mundane. I can not believe that anybody watches this shit.
Although, to be fair, she really slowed down on the “reaction” videos and she hasn’t made a video at all in two months now. She said about three months ago that she lost her job and was going to go back to being a “full time Youtuber” while she searches for a job but that didn’t happen. Maybe she found a job. You’d never know from looking at her boring as fuck Twitter because the only thing she ever talks about there is video games. You get absolutely no insight into her personality, assuming that she has one.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biT1FI1dgJs
If you’re unfamiliar with the work of Retro Ali, strap in. She’s the worst “gaming” Youtuber of all time. Her thing is to do “reactions” to video game promotional material. These “reactions” are insanely over the top, fake, and look like she’s getting fucked in the ass. There’s apparently a market for this. John Riggs is a known fan.
So let’s check out her latest video. I’ll reproduce some of the monologue below just so that you can see how unbelievably stupid it is.
Oh my god, I just got a shiny. I just hatched a shiny! Oh my god! (grinning maniacly) (hyperventilates) (hysterical laughter) Oh my god. Oh my god. Someone clip that. Please. (hyperventilates) (crazy eyes) Did somebody (incomprehensible)? Oh my — I think I clipped it like fifty times. Oh my god. (clutches chest) I just — (hyperventilates) Oh my god. I really just started the stream. (drinks beverage) Oh my god. (laughs) Wait. I just clipped it. Oh my god. I’m shaking. I was just like — I usually just start up the game before I — like I start up the game music when I start the stream. Oh my god. Okay, wait. 24 hour. I just clipped it like five times. I don’t know if it showed up. Did you — okay, you clipped it. Okay. Hold on. Okay. I’m going to pause the game really quick.
That’s the content. Something totally mundane happens, in this case, she captures a Pokemon, then she does a fake over-the-top “reaction”, then she begs people to “clip it”. She’s really concerned that people have “clipped” this. She doesn’t want to lose this totally genuine “reaction” to a mundane event. What she then does is upload “reaction” compliations to Youtube. So it’s all of her “best” fake reactions to mundane stuff. And John Riggs jerks off to this.
How stupid does somebody have to be to find any pleasure in this shit? First of all, you have to believe that her “reactions” are real. Who behaves like this over Pokemon? If she can’t control herself over an every day thing like capturing a character in a video game, how is she functioning in her day to day life? “Oh my god! The toast is perfectly toasted! (ass fucking face) I can’t believe this. Oh my god. Somebody clip this.”
“Hey, shiny Pokemon are pretty rare.” I don’t know how rare they are. I suspect not very. But she behaves this same way over COMMERCIALS. That’s her usual content. And the thumbnails always show her with that open mouthed face like she’s sucking an invisible horse cock.
It’s absolutely unwatchable. Even if this was genuine, which it clearly is not, it would still be unwatchable. Think about it. Somebody is told that they just won the lottery, for example. Actually, let’s look for such a video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nY8mhk7sFCE
That woman just found out that she won $2 million. Her reaction is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more muted than Retro Ali’s “reaction” to capturing a Pokemon or watching a commercial. That’s the first point.
My second point is would you want to watch that lottery video any longer? At 1 minute and 20 seconds, I thought it dragged on too long. They repeated her reaction, I think. It was starting to get annoying.
Retro Ali posts these “reactions” every fucking week. Like ten minute videos. Compilations of her “best” “reactions”. It’s all fake bullshit as anyone with a brain can immediately see. No sane person behaves like this over such trivial shit.
So let’s check out the comments.
– ” Lol love your reaction “
– ” D’awhh I remember i arrived on stream early and was almost in disbelief realizing you got a shiny “
– ” so cute “
– ” God you are so precioussssss ❤️ and wholesome “
Yeah, totally wholesome. This is some kind of sick sexual fetish. I can’t articulate what it is exactly, but clearly these videos are made to cater to some fetish. People are masturbating to this stuff. I know it’s crazy, I know that Pornhub exists, but to some people, this is what they’re into. They want to watch young women “react” to Pokemon and make faces like they’re getting fucked in the ass.