https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBmuD0DD5vI&t=5034s
Hey guys! Remember Super Mario Land? I do, Erin. I owned and played the game in my youth. It’s probably the easiest Super Mario game ever made. So let’s see how you do.
She immediately cut stuff out of the video. Let’s see what gems we’re missing.
“So my allergies suck. It’s always something with me. I try not to be, and like I try to keep a lot of it to myself but then it’s also like, whatever.”
It seems to be mostly the “whatever”. She’s CONSTANTLY talking about her fake maladies. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. But she does this to get attention.
“I haven’t played this…a lot…probably since like middle school but I grew up with this and I like it.”
We can do an Erin Plays Challenge here. I haven’t played the game since probably…I don’t know…high school? But I bet that I can still beat it on my first attempt. Let me fire up the emulator.
Well, I’ve decided not to upload the footage so you’ll just have to take my word on all of this. I hadn’t played the game in at least 20 years. I didn’t remember all of the secrets and shit. Also, I think that the keys were mapped the wrong way around. I kept wanting to jump but it was the other button so I died a few times because of this.
Nevertheless, I was able to beat all of the levels and I had like 45 lives going into the end castle. But there was a lot of platforming in that last level and things seemed to speed up and slow down a lot (maybe this lag is accurate to the game), and I had this persistent problem of not knowing what the jump key was, so I just rage quit after about five deaths.
Let’s see how Erin fares.
Yeah, it does seem to lag for Erin too. It must just be how the game was.
1:00 – “Super Mario Land 1 is kind of an odd game when you think about it. It’s like an odd vibe.”
Yeah. It was a different team who worked on it. That’s why there are all of those weird enemies who have never been seen before or since. Like those jumping zombies and shit. Something like this. Just look it up on Wikipedia. I don’t remember exactly.
1:30 – “Have I seen the Mtv series Date My Mom? I have.”
Holy shit. Mark this day. Erin has actually seen something. Let’s see what great commentary she has to share about the show.
“Ummm…I’ve seen most of those Mtv dating shows from the early 2000s, unfortumately”.
Right…well, can you say anything about them? Is there a particular episode that you can remember or something? Particular contestant?
“I’ve seen a lot of trash tv.”
Okay. We get it. You’ve seen stuff. But can you talk about any of it? Don’t just give these generic answers. The man is talking about Date My Mom. What do you remember about that show in particular?
“I’ve seen Date My Mom. I’ve seen Next. Remember Next? What else is there?”
We don’t need a list. This is boring. Give us specific examples of things that you remember from Date My Mom. Or compare it to similar shows. What did you like or dislike about Date My Mom compared to, for example, Next?
She finally remembers Room Raiders. Or something. And says that Zac Efron was on an episode.
Who is this? Somebody who was on the Disney Channel. Of course. It seems that the only thing Erin has ever seen is shit on the Disney Channel.
2:15 – “I was trying to show Mike Room Raiders because he didn’t know what it was.”
Erin didn’t know what it was. It took her an age to remember the name. What’s wrong with her?
Then she starts giving details about Room Raiders. Why didn’t she do this for Date My Mom? That’s what the guy was actually asking about. Well, this is still better than just listing tv shows, I guess.
3:45 – She’s still telling this meandering story about Room Raiders but she managed to get through the fist level without even taking a hit. She’s in the zone.
Then she’s on the conveyor belt bonus level and she actually does seem to know the trick about where you should drop the claw in order to get the bonus lives. But she only got one bonus life. When I played this game just now, every single time I got this bonus stage, it was the three life heart. And that’s how I remember it being back in the day. Maybe she’s playing a different version of the game. Like a later version number. 1.02 or something. Because being able to get those three lives every time was pretty broken.
And then, yeah, Erin’s story doesn’t go anywhere and even she knows this. “I don’t know why I’m telling this story.”
I remember an episode of Singled Out where the ladies were tasked with making a sculpture of their torso with a little thing of clay. And one woman’s English wasn’t very good so she didn’t know what “torso” meant. Jenny McCarthy was trying to explain and she was pointing to her own torso as she read the task out again. But this woman wasn’t quite getting it so she just balled the clay and put a nipple on it. Then Miss McCarthy looked at the finished product, laughed, and said, “That’s your torso?”
But this is about Mario. Erin is really on fire. She’s going to beat this thing no problem.
7:15 – Erin claims to have been playing Switch games while she was visiting her parents in California. In her spare time. I’ll bet.
She says that she wants to stream one of the games that she was playing. That makes more sense.
8:15 – “One of you guys was nice enough to gift me Wario Ware.”
Why would she take games from these people who she knows are literally retarded? It’s disgusting. But she says that she plans to stream it one day.
Erin keeps trying to go into a narrow space that Mario obviously can’t fit through when he’s in his “super” form.
9:30 – “I feel like I’m missing something.”
Yeah. Skill. That first level might have been a fluke. She’s pretty bad at this. She hasn’t died yet but this is not good.
“You know that Mario castle where you have to listen for the cue, like the beep, to know if you should go up or down?”
Ummm….no. I don’t know anything about that. Erin must be a bigger Mario pro than I am.
She never seems to use the run button. So this is slow as fuck.
12:15 – “I didn’t have the nerve study yet, no. I have that tomorrow. So I’m a little nervous but it will be fine. I’m not going to think about it. So yeah, because they’re not sure if it’s carpal tunnel. It could be…they don’t know.”
I’ll tell you what it is. Complete bullshit.
“It could just be overuse, which is, you know, probably the case. But it could be something so I’m getting a nerve study done.”
Now she’s backtracking from the carpal tunnel story. After going AT LEAST eight years with the theory that she has carpal tunnel syndrome and seeing numerous doctors about this, who all told her that it was nothing, she’s now finally saying, “It’s probably just overuse.”
How is it even overuse? What is she doing all day that’s causing her hands any discomfort? It’s certainly not playing video games. Even by her own account, being on her phone was her explanation.
13:45 – This time the conveyor belt had all 3-life hearts. Maybe I just got lucky when I played recently. But yeah, the fact that Erin knows when to drop the claw suggests to me that she might have actually played this before. This is remarkable.
She still hasn’t died, by the way.
14:30 – Then she died because she decided to use the run button for the first time. “I went too fast.”
15:00 – “You never know what batshit crazy thing I’m going to say next. How I’m going to embarrass myself next. You don’t know. You got to keep watching.”
She’s right. There seems to be no limit on how much Erin can embarrass herself. She’s always topping herself. Very introspective comment.
17:00 – She’s talking about Halloween streams. “I need to get costumes but I just don’t have ideas. I mean, I have a few ideas but I need more costumes.”
Speaking of embarrassing herself.
22:00 – “Yes, the Kool-Aid man has a game on Cole — Intellivision? Or is it Colecovision? I think it’s Colecovision.”
The Atari 2600, Erin. But let’s see if she’s right. Maybe there was also a Coleco game.
No. It was Atari 2600 and Intellivision.
26:15 – “Here’s the problem with Rondo of Blood. See, I started it and then my…wrist and hand pain got really bad.”
She was about to say “carpal tunnel”. She’s not saying that any more since she apparently went to the doctor and the doctor told her, once again, it would seem, that it’s not carpal tunnel syndrome.
28:00 – A horntard asks her to continue to stream Doom Eternal. Erin says that it’s Mike’s XBox and that she only uses the XBox to play Doom Eternal. Then she whispers, “I’m a fake gamer.”
She’s on a roll today. First, she admits that the carpal tunnel syndrome was all bullshit. Now she admits that this whole “gamer” thing is a fraud. I have to give credit where credit is due. What can I say? This is all that I’ve been asking for going on YEARS now. Just admit that you’re a fraud, Erin. And here she’s finally done it.
Oh. Then she immediately says, “Just kidding.”
Come the fuck on. In what respect can she possibly be a “gamer”. She doesn’t know anything about any game ever made.
Although, oddly, she does seem to know something about Super Mario Land 2. That claw mini-game at least. She’s not just dropping it randomly. She’s strategically dropping it in the right spot. This is something that you pick up…I don’t know…after playing the game for a few hours, maybe. So she must have played it for at least a few hours. That makes Super Mario Land 2 one of Erin’s most played games.
Then she whispers, “Who cares?”
Well, people who are interested in honesty and integrity, I guess. This is how psychopaths think. It’s your fault for being conned by me.
Listen to any John Wayne Gacy interview. He blames the victims for getting murdered. What were they doing with him? They should have known better. They were bad kids.
These people don’t take responsibility for the harm that they cause. Erin is taking money from the mentally retarded. It doesn’t get much lower than that. But she says that we shouldn’t care. Who cares that this is all a fraud? What cares that I don’t know anything about video games and I don’t give a shit about video games? You’re the idiot for believing me.
Of course it’s true that you’d have to be an idiot to believe that Erin is a real “gamer” but that’s exactly what these people are. It’s not okay to take advantage of the mentally disabled. Do I really have to say that? This is something that we all know. But to psychopaths like Erin, it doesn’t matter. These people deserve to be taken advantage of.
30:00 – Wait a minute. Now she dropped the claw in this minigame randomly. Were the previous times just a fluke?
31:30 – “I don’t know a tonne about Star Trek, but I do know that Wesley has some amazing sweaters.”
Erin has indicated before, many times, that she’s a big Star Trek fan. At least now she’s coming clean.
32:30 – A horntard asks, “Out of all of the Mario games, what are some of your favourite power ups?” Erin gives this a long think, having barely played any of the games.
She says that tanooki suit.
34:00 – HORRIBLE attempt at the easiest boss in the game. She misses him five times in a row.
Then after she beats him, she starts stretching. Carpal tunnel. Or, to use the current story, “hand overuse”.
36:30 – Erin claims that household bugs are a problem on “The East Coast.” Really ? This is unique to “The East Coast”? You don’t experience insect infestations on “The West Coast”?
37:00 – She acknowledges that her gameplay is poor but says that livestreaming isn’t about the gameplay, it’s about talking to the horntards.
She keeps dying on this totally optional level. Why doesn’t she just skip it? She apparently doesn’t know that it’s optional.
38:15 – Erin claims that if she were to ever try a no-death run of a game it would be Yoshi’s Island because “I know that game like the back of my hand.”
Uh huh. Unfortunately, my review of her Yoshi’s Island run was on Reddit. I’ll have to upload all of these to the blog one day. But spoiler: she was really bad at the game.
40:15 – Then, having managed to beat the level, she decides to play it again. Holy shit. But she knew the command to exit the stage. You have to press start and then A or B, I think. I don’t remember exactly.
46:45 – She again drops the claw randomly. No, I don’t think that she knows the secret with this.
47:00 – “Oh. There’s a hidden exit? I didn’t know that.”
Yeah…I’m starting to think that she never played this before. There are secret exits in some of the levels that take you to an appropriately secret level. Anyone who has played this game for any significant length of time would know that. But not in the level that she’s playing now. She doesn’t know this.
49:45 – Another random attempt at the claw game. This confirms it. She doesn’t know and she’s barely played this before.
See, this is why I had 45 lives when I got to the castle stage. It’s easy as fuck to get 3 bonus lives after every level if you know when to drop that claw. And usually you get the claw minigame. Sometimes you get some other mini game and that one’s completely random.
52:15 – “Oh yeah. How do I spin jump?”
She did the spin jump earlier in the stream and I was surprised to see that she knew how. But now she’s regular Mario so she can’t spin jump. She doesn’t know this.
52:45 – “Did boos ever scare you as a kid? No, I thought they were cute.”
Great commentary, Erin.
54:45 – “Yeah, this game does have a lot of cute sprites. It’s like really good.”
Great commentary, Erin.
1:01:45 – “That’s cute. I like that idea for a boss.”
Great commentary, Erin.
1:03:15 – She says that her hands are starting to hurt…
Then the horntards start asking about her “carpal tunnel”.
1:13:45 – “Do I remember aerobics shows in the 90s? I remember Mousercise.”
This is all that she can do. Everything is about Disney. What a sad, pathetic life that she’s had. And continues to have.
Then she dies to the boss multiple times until she runs out of lives.
Great playthrough, Erin. Couldn’t even get three coins. Maybe try playing the game beforehand. You know, in your spare time. Like a normal person who enjoys video games would do.