G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is Cartoony – Tony from Hack The Movies


This is a podcast with Kieran and some guy who apparently did those weird SEO Toy Review videos with Ryan from Screenwave.  Now he’s doing a weird podcast with Ryan from Screenwave called Pegwarmers.  

I really hesitate to say anything but…this guy…it’s a 300+ pound man, in his 40s, with a long, unkempt beard and shaggy, balding hair.  I mean…I don’t mention this to shit on his appearance but this is a very unfortunate individual.  This is a man who has made a series of poor life decisions.  He chose toys over having a relationship with a woman.  

How can somebody go through life like this?  A grown man amassing GI Joe toys from 30+ years ago.  

Kieran is similar.  

It’s probably too late for this guy.  But Kieran still has a bit of time.  Shave the beard, cut the hair or at least put it in a ponytail to make it look somewhat kempt, get rid of the denim, dress like an adult, get rid of the toys, stop reading comic books and all of this nerd shit, consider getting a different job, and get a girlfriend.  

It’s a lot.  There’s a lot that he has to do if he wants to have a semi-fulfilling life.  But look at that guy in the middle of this podcast.  That’s you in ten years.  Is that what you want?  

Maybe Kieran has a girlfriend.  Maybe this other guy has a wife or girlfriend.  But if they do, it’s likely some 300+ pound woman who’s also a giant nerd.  And Kieran and/or this other guy will use this woman to say, “See?  Nerds can get wives/girlfriends too.  I found somebody who likes me for me.”

No.  You shouldn’t want this.  You shouldn’t want anyone who likes you for being you.  Not when the “you” in question is a giant nerd who obsessively collects children’s toys.

I’m not even talking about hot chicks.  You’re not going to find a hot chick even if you got rid of the nerd shit.  I’m talking about finding a normal, respectable woman who has a decent job.  Such women would not be interested in these guys.  I mean, let’s be honest.  They’re on a podcast talking about GI Joe in nerdy detail.  Kieran has a GI Joe tattoo.  What normal woman would go for that?  Are man babies big hits with the ladies?  

7:15 – This guy says that he has a Channing Tatum cardboard cut-out that was a display for selling some beverage at 7-11 and a complete set of the cups.

This is not healthy behaviour.  There’s a psychological explanation for this.  Autism or something.  

I don’t think that videos like this are helpful.  It normalises the behaviour.  It gives people with similar preoccupations an outlet.  

Be aware that if you’re collecting GI Joe Slurpee cups, you will be alone for the rest of your life.  Is that what you want?  

9:00 – Tony shouts out his girlfriend.  It should be noted that Tony has made it clear that he doesn’t know much about GI Joe.

Is Tony a cool guy?  No.  But he’s not some autist who’s obsessed over nerd shit.  

It’s not a high bar to be able to get a girlfriend.  You only have to be as cool as Tony from Hack the Movies.  And he has toys.  Toys that he still purchases.  He has some nerd shit on his bed…I can’t remember what…a Star Wars headboard or something.  Shit like this.  And he’s here dressed as some kind of generic GI Joe.

Being a nerd can be a part of your personality but not your entire personality.  And it shouldn’t be a huge part of your personality.  Beat the nerd part of your personality down as much as possible.  

34:45 – Kieran talks about his GI Joe tattoo and how he planned on getting another GI Joe tattoo on his arm but decided against it because…CM Punk also has two GI Joe tattoos on his arm?  I really don’t think so.  

Holy shit.  He’s right.  CM Punk has loads of nerdy tattoos, it seems.  The Pepsi logo because he doesn’t drink beer?  “Straight edge” for similar reasons.  “Drug free”, because he eschews illicit narcotics.  

It’s pathetic.  If he wasn’t a wrestler, women would run a mile from this nerdy shit.  So this is what I’m saying.  You can be nerdy to a degree, but don’t make it your whole personality.  

39:45 – Hey, some relationship advice from Tony from Hack the Movies.  These guys need all the help that they can get in that department.  Then this guy and Kieran just look awkward, having never dated a woman.  And I keep saying “this guy” because I don’t know his name.  I should look it up but who cares at this point.

45:45 – Kieran proclaims his love for The Baroness.  That’s some nerdy GI Joe character.  If The Baroness were a real person, she would have absolutely no interest in anyone who’s into nerdy GI Joe shit.

I’m at 50 minutes.  That’s enough.  This should count as a view, so I did my part to help Tony from Hack the Movies out.

Edited by Jessica Hickson.  She’s the intern (probably unpaid) who works there.  She did a fine job this time.  There were a lot of images of GI Joe figures and clips from cartoon and whatnot that were inserted into the video, which I think really helped illustrate what these fucking nerds are talking about.

By the way, Ms Hickson wouldn’t go out with any of these losers for two reasons: 1) They’re giant nerds, and 2) I suspect that she’s a lesbian.  

4 thoughts on “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is Cartoony – Tony from Hack The Movies

  1. The fact you judge someone for reading comic books, and yet you're a loser who has a blog like this is hilarious.You would have to do quite a lot to even upgrade to simply “dude who reads comics” level in life.

  2. Why do you always make it about me? You might want to familiarise yourself with the ad hominem logical fallacy. I can be the biggest loser in the world but it doesn't take away from what I said.

  3. Yeah but see, you're missing the point I was making genius. You might want to familiarize yourself with the concept of actually paying attention to what someone is saying.I was actually pointing out how much of a hypocrite you are. I figured that was very obvious that is what I was doing. The fact I'm even explaining this to you is sad alone, but hardly as sad as your comprehension skills apparently.See, you're no one to be judging someone for reading comics or collecting toys. This is why you are a hypocrite. You know you are too. You felt it the entire time you wrote this “review” undoubtedly, hoping no one would point it out.You don't need to be the “biggest” loser. You're already at least a bigger loser than these guys based on this blog alone.They can have all their faults that amount to a whole laundry list in your mind, but at the end of the day you yourself are a huge loser as well. Instead of “taking away” from it, this blog in fact bolsters that truth.Also, I was literally commenting about you. Of course I “made it about you”. If you can't use “ad hominem” in correct context please don't embarrass yourself pretending like you actually know when to properly bring up that fallacy.

  4. Is writing a blog really a nerd activity, though? I don't think so. Let me DuckDuckGo “reasons to start a blog”.- To inspire your audience- To improve your writing ability- To learn new skills- To build your online brand- To confront your fears- To generate an income- To meet new people- To document your lifeWhat's nerdy about any of that? Lots of professional writers blog. You can make money. And it's just satisfying to write. On the other hand, reasons to buy comic books and toys as an adult: because you're a man baby. End of list. You're not going to inspire anyone by purchasing GI Joes. You're not going to improve yourself by reading Captain America. You're not going to learn new skills by playing with He-Man figures. And you're certainly not going to meet new people with any of this. Not women, anyway.

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