Gamer Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF9eUXKgzCA 

0:00 – But first a message from our sponsor.

And James yet again shills for a VPN and advises you, the viewer, to break the terms of service of your favourite streaming service by using a VPN.  

So we get to the video.  He keeps talking about the Howard Johnson hotel chain like it’s some obscure thing from a bygone era.  Are Howard Johnson no longer in business?  

There are 300 locations according to Wikipedia.  Maybe that’s a fraction of their heyday, I don’t know, but 300 locations is still a good number.

I guess that Kieran never went to one.  Is this another Kieran episode?  He writes some straight garbage.  But Justin and Tony from Hack the Movies aren’t exactly Tennessee Williams either.

1:45 – “This deranged anal belch of a human”

Yeah, I think it’s a Kieran episode.

3:15 – They refer to a character in one of these tapes as “An annoying 90s fuck”.  No.  This is not something that somebody who lived during “the 90s” would ever say.   Come on, Kieran.  Up your game.

I guess that he’s doing his best.  You can’t just say to somebody, “Hey, write better.”  You either have the ability or you don’t.  Kieran does not.

Oh, I should mention what the video is about.  I haven’t done so already because…I’m not entirely sure what it’s about.  They’re video tapes that Howard Johnson would sell that give tips on Sega Game Gear games.  I guess.  So like you would check into the hotel and then you could buy these tapes from the front desk to entertain your kids .

3:45 – Kieran explains, through James, that you were able to rent Game Gears at Howard Johnson.  That’s cool.  I’ve never seen that.  He also mentions that hotels had consoles hooked up to them.  I’ve never that either.  

Maybe if you’re going to a hotel near Disney World or something you see this sort of shit.  Hotels geared to children.  But I’ve never stayed in such a place.  Maybe I had a weird childhood.  I had more enriching vacations.

I mean, it doesn’t have to be anything snooty.  Going to Paris or something.  But anything is better than these trash Disney vacations that people seem to take.  I mostly went on like nature vacations.  I think that that’s the way to go.  But whatever.  Kieran went to Disney and that sort of shit.  He didn’t pick his parents.

5:15 – Listen to how James pronounces “rabid baboons.”  What the fuck?  He butchers both words.  They couldn’t do a second take?  If he just can’t pronounce it, say something else.  It hardly adds anything to the writing.  Nobody on earth is laughing at “rabid baboons”.

5:45 – “So what is HoJo”?

The first two letters of “Howard” and “Johnson”.  How are you not getting this, Kieran?  Surely James knew what it was.  What the fuck is this?  

“I’ve never heard one person in my entire life say ‘Go HoJo'”.

No, nobody has ever used that corporate slogan, just like nobody ever said, “You deserve a break today” when going to McDonalds or “Have it your way” when going to Burger King.  But the term “HoJo” existed and was used.  I don’t know how widely it was used but I’m confident that it was used.

But Kieran never heard of it before.  Maybe there aren’t Howard Johnsons in Pennsylvania.  No, there are at least three: one in Allentown, one in Hershey, and one in Harrisburg.   

6:00 – “If I knew anyone who ran around with a Game Gear and screamed ‘HoJo’ and weren’t trying to be ironic, I’d shit out my dick.”

Yeah, that’s a hilarious fetish that you have there, Kieran.  

But this is just a bizarre strawman.  Of course nobody ran around screaming “HoJo” for no reason.  Kieran seems to think that the term “HoJo” is really hilarious and nobody had the sense to reign him in.  

Yes, the term is stupid but it was used.  And it was probably used semi-ironically.    

“That’s a real stretch to try to make the name Howard Johnson sound cool to 90s pre-teens.”

Kieran…not everything is about children.  Just because you were a child in “the 90s” doesn’t mean that everybody was.  

HoJo, probably originated organically, from the customer base, as a slightly derogatory term for the hotel chain.  “HoJo” suggests that it’s a budget hotel.  It’s nothing to do with appealing to children.

Why didn’t James say, “Hey, Kieran, you don’t know what you’re talking about and I’m going to sound a total ass if I read this shit.  So please don’t give me a script where your misguided obsession with ‘HoJo’ serves as the basis for the script”?  

6:30 – “Also, instead of HoJo, shouldn’t it be HowJow.”

What?  No.  It’s not even worth explaining the many reasons why that doesn’t make sense.  Kieran.  You’re an idiot.  Drop this bullshit HoJo thing right now.  James is going to look like a total fucking retard if you continue this any longer.  

7:30 – There’s a window that sometimes pops up in these videos with a guy talking about various Howard Johnson promotions.  And Kieran/James says, “I guess that he’s the hotel’s lawyer.”

What?  Kieran…it’s the hotel’s spokesman.  This isn’t complicated stuff.  

“And it’s a good thing that they have one because if I were this businessman, I’d sue the dick off of this hotel chain for causing me anxiety.”

No.  Kieran.  Listen.  That man was not portraying a lawyer.  You know this.  You must know this.  But this was just your awkward way to shoehorn a stupid half-joke about suing the hotel for…something.  It doesn’t make sense.  You’re an idiot.  

You know, I was looking at a recent Tony from Hack the Movies video.  I didn’t actually watch it, I’m not watching that shit any more, Newt Wallen and Crystal Quin can go fuck themselves.  But I noticed that he had an editor for one of these videos.  And I looked her up.  She’s a recent graduate.  They’re employing interns at Screenwave to edit the videos.  Probably unpaid.  

This is the level that this company is at.  And the fucking writers, I mean, with respect I think that Tony has an associate’s degree, if that.  I don’t know what kind of education Kieran has but I’m thinking that he doesn’t have too many advanced degrees.  

These are the people writing the show.  30 year olds with limited education and limited experience in the film industry.  They’re just local hillbillies for fuck’s sake.  I mean, no disrespect to anyone but this is not a professional organisation.  

I’m not saying that you have to have a master’s degree from Harvard in order to write something worthwhile.  If they had somebody there who has some kind of writing talent, that would be fine.  But they don’t.  These scripts are awful.  Kieran wrote an 11 minute script about how stupid the term “HoJo” is without understanding any of the linguistic history of the term.  The video is built on a false narrative.  

8:15 – Weird pronunciation of “sausage”.

8:45 – There’s a little comedy scene in the video where this businessman comes on to a maid and Kieran finds this really offensive.  “It’s another reason that this tape couldn’t exist today.”

Yeah, because of easily offended pussies like Kieran.

9:45 – The businessman playing the Game Gear “Reacts to it like somebody is tickling his anus.”

Keep your fetishes out of the video, Kieran.  Let me look.  There must be some gay bars in the area.

Yeah.  Yelp has a list of the top ten gay bars in Bucks County.  They’re not actually in Bucks Country but they’re in nearby Philadelphia.  

What about the U Bar?  It’s in Philadelphia.  Here’s a review:

This was a really fun little gay bar in Philly.  Great vibe, simple decor, and bartenders poured good drinks.  Liked the music all night.  I also really liked that it was truly a gay bar, meaning it wasn’t overcrowded with drunk straight girls like other “gay” bars in Philly.  Guys!  Come here!

Sounds good.  Total sausage fest.  I’m sure that you’ll find a guy to tickle your anus over there.  

Kieran also keeps mentioning something called “B-Dubs” this is a similar thing to Howard Johnson where the name of the place has been abbreviated.  But I don’t know what place he’s talking about, I never heard of it, and he keeps fucking mentioning this stupid “B-Dubs” half joke.  Kieran…this is bad.  It’s bad writing.  REALLY bad.  

11:00 – Then…oh my god….James is wearing a long wig.

Kieran…there are places you can go to where men will do all of this stuff with you.  You can put them in wigs and they’ll tickle your anus and they’ll shit on your dick.  Whatever you’re into.  Gay men are pretty adventurous sexually.  Go to the U Bar and find somebody there.  Don’t put this shit in AVGN videos.

11:15 – Then he makes another “the 90s” reference that doesn’t even make sense.  

11:30 – “You’ll want to shove a Game Gear up Howard Johnson’s asshole.”

Not me, Kieran.  My heterosexual credentials are unchallenged.  But if YOU like that stuff, that’s cool.  You can put stuff in men’s butts.  As long as everyone is into it, what do I care?  Keep it out of the videos, though.  

So that’s the video.  Kieran, just come out of the closet.  There’s no shame in it.  This isn’t “the 90s” where this stuff was still frowned upon.  Today, you can be loud and proud.  So put your denim chaps on and hit the bars.  This is Pride Month for fuck’s sake.  Go do your thing.  But not in the videos.

Really, really, REALLY terrible writing in this one.  In case I hadn’t made that clear.  They’re totally out of ideas.  

Speaking of gay men, let’s check out what the boys on Reddit have to say.  I bet it will mostly be about James’ wig.  I anticipate LOADS of hilarious and not at all homosexual “memes” of James in this wig for the next three to six months.

I don’t know.  Everybody just seems to think that it was a bland episode.  I suppose that if you accept the gay stuff and the “HoJo” stuff, that’s true.  

Somebody says, “This is something that would be on Erin Plays.”  No, this was way more involved than anything Erin has ever done.  Let’s not exaggerate.

But yeah it’s just bad.  It’s a total amateur production at Screenwave.  They’re completely out of their depth.  

Nobody there can write.  That’s the main problem.  And that’s fine.  Why would they think that they can do everything?  You can do the editing, you can do the producing, you can do the special effects, whatever.  But find somebody who can write.  It’s not you.  Nobody at Screenwave has it.

It takes a certain amount of intellect to write good comedy.  And with respect, I don’t think that these are the brightest guys on earth.  This is why the writing is bad.

Justin would sometimes write some funny stuff on Reddit.  He seems reasonably intelligent.  But I don’t think that he’s writing these AVGN scripts.  Or if he is, he just doesn’t have it either.  

I’m trying to think of comedy shows that I liked.  Mystery Science Theater 3000, Frasier, Seinfeld, The Mighty Boosh, I’m Alan Partridge.  Shit like this.  I like comedy written by people who are at least as intelligent as I am and they’re respecting my intelligence by writing good, witty, smart stuff.  

What I don’t like is some hillbilly writing, “Hey, I did a big boom boom in my pants.  Wank a hippo’s dick off.”  That’s insulting.  That’s wasting my time.  

They’re doing their best.  But it’s bad.  I can’t sugar coat it.  “A” for effort, “F” for execution.