Playing Light Crusader on Sega Genesis – Erin Plays

Nobody is watching two and a half hours of this shit.  It’s impossible.  Even if you view Erin Plays videos as pornography, as the horntards all do, you don’t need two and a half hours for that.  

It’s like how porn producers will post heavily edited versions of their videos on the free porn sites and then at the end of the video it will say, “Go to our website for the full video”.  What’s the point?  The joke’s on you.  I only needed that five minute preview.

So Erin is playing some game that nobody has ever heard of and it looks like shit.  It’s some isometric game.  Name a good isometric game.  Wait…I just thought of loads of good ones.  But also, a lot of them suck penis.  Probably a higher percentage of suckage in isometric games than in non-isometric games.

0:15 – She says that she never played the game before.  

0:30 – She starts laughing and says, “That guy’s face gets me every time.”

Not fifteen seconds earlier, she said that she never played the game before.  But she “always” laughs at this intro screen.  To a game that she never played before.  Am I the only person noticing these obvious contradictions?

2:45 – She shouts NewWaveJunkie out.  How is it possible that he’s in every fucking stream?  He’s in every stream of every gamer grrl.  Doesn’t he have a job?  And I think that he’s married.  Doesn’t his wife tell him to stop doing this shit?  Even if he doesn’t have a job, how can he possibly watch EVERY stream?  Aren’t there scheduling conflicts among the various streams?  Doesn’t he get bored with it?  

3:45 – She’s in some castle and says, “Oh, look at that.  Those look like trees you’d see in a mall.”

This is riveting commentary.  I can see why NewWaveJunkie never misses a second of this shit.  His poor wife.

5:30 – “Did I play Centuries of Centy?  No, I haven’t.  I know what you’re talking about, though.  It’s a Zelda clone.”

Is that what it’s called, though?  Erin is one ahead of me on this one and I had to Google this.  Crusader of Centy is what I’m seeing.  

Oh.  This thing.  Yeah, I’ve seen it before.  But I wouldn’t have known what it was just by the title.  Especially the wrong title, apparently.  So good for Erin.  She’s a real “gamer” now.

6:45 – “What’s my t-shirt?  It’s Sailor Venus.”

Hey guys!  Remember Sailor Venus?  

No.  I’ve never watched Sailor Moon.  I was too old for that shit.  And a guy.  But here’s a 33 year old woman wearing a t-shirt with a children’s cartoon character on it.  At what age does this no longer become cute?  I’m saying that she’s there already.  

Early 20s?  You can maybe get away with wearing something like that “ironically”.  Maybe even mid-20s.  Things that you liked as a kid are just becoming retro.  But 33?  No.  

What Erin needs is a good makeover.  She should make a video out of it.  Try on different outfits.  Not in a Madam Fomo way with her sleazy “try on hauls” where she wore fucking sex costumes but genuinely.  Try some more sophisticated looks out.  Stuff that you’d actually wear every day, outside, maybe to a job.  Sweaters.  Blazers.  I hear that pantsuits are back in vogue.  

7:15 – She’s in a weapons shop and the proprietor asks her if she wants a job.  Of course she chooses “no”.  She’s just going to scam the mentally retarded out of pennies instead.

9:00 – Erin points out a monkey painting in the background.  “Cute”.  And boring as fucking shit.

She has absolutely no idea what she’s doing, by the way.  Of course.

This is just really bad.  She’s clearly never played an RPG before.  She doesn’t even know the basic concepts.

10:15 – One of the horntards says that he liked the recent video she did where she wore fishnet stockings and sat on the floor.  Erin thanks him and says that she thinks that video turned out good.  

11:15 – Erin points out another picture in the background.  We can fucking see it.  

12:30 – Erin goes to the graveyard, after saying, “I know that I need to go to the graveyard” and then she pushes a tombstone, revealing stairs.  She explains that she played this game briefly already so knew all of this.  

The problem is that we didn’t know this.  Why does she have to push one of the tombstones?  None of the NPCs she spoke to gave any clue to this regard.  

14:30 – She does a really obvious fake celebration after completing some platforming.

Why doesn’t she just do something else with her time?  This is stupid.  Entertaining horny retards for $250/month?    

I might have told this story about the Australian woman whose job was to masturbate some guy in a wheelchair.  Let me check the archives.  No, I’m not seeing it.

So I matched with this Australian woman on Tinder.  She was like, I don’t know, 23 or something.  Anybody in that age range who’s matching with a guy who’s over 40 is going to be mentally ill and/or a prostitute and/or exceptionally unattractive.  She was the first two.

She had some really weird pictures.  But more concerning was her profile.  She said that she was a carer for a guy in a wheelchair and she’s “dating” him but that he allows her to see other people.

Her job was obviously to give this guy handjobs and whatever else.  But I’m talking to her, just normal stuff, nothing about handjobs, and holy fucking shit.  I’ve talked to some boring as fuck women on these things but she was definitely in the top ten.  So I had to call an end to the proceedings after a few messages.  

Think about how terrible your life has to be when a man who’s like 20 years older than you says, “You know what?  I’m good.  Good luck with the wheelchair guy.”  

19:15 – A different horntard (or maybe the same horntard and he just forgot) asked her what shirt she’s wearing.  

This is just so terrible.  Let me DuckDuckGo this game.  

Oh, this game was on the Sega Genesis Mini.  Erin promoted this thing at E3.  And never even played the fucking games.  

If I recall correctly, she didn’t own one of these things at the time.  She only had it for a short while (hours?  minutes?) before they threw her on stage.  

Okay, whatever.  But she wasn’t curious to try the games out at any point subsequent to this?  Of course not.  She has absolutely no interest in video games.

Mean Machines, some video game magazine from “the 90s” criticised the game as being “too easy and dull.”  Insert your own Erin Plays joke here.

This game is also on Steam for 79 cents.  That’s weird.  It presumably just runs on an emulator.  Why would I buy a game running on an emulator when I can just play the game on an emulator already for free?

Here’s a competent playthrough of the game:

Yeah, the game looks like shit.

Do I really want to waste any more time hearing Erin talk about background shit and her t-shirt?  I’ll give it another few minutes.

19:30 – She talks about how she “needs” to watch more seasons of Sailor Moon.  No.  What you need to do is get a job.

20:00 – She yawns.  She’s already bored with this shit.  Well, me too.  But then just stop doing it. 

20:30 – “We need to get some keys.”

She just got a key from a treasure chest not 60 seconds earlier.  I guess that she “forgot”.

21:45 – “Hey Games & Movies.”

I hate doing this, but here’s Games & Movie’s Youtube channel:

The man is mentally retarded.  I don’t make fun of that.  But these are the people who she’s talking to.  These are the people who watch these streams.  These are the people who are giving her money.

How can anybody not feel bad about this?  It’s completely disgusting.  But Erin is totally devoid of empathy.  If there’s a retard out there who she can swindle out of money, she’ll do it.

This is unwatchable.  She’s lost in this little six room dungeon.  And still doesn’t realise that she has a key.  So she leaves the dungeon.  And just goes into the same town that we’ve seen already.  And does the same shit.  And keeps pressing the wrong buttons.  And buys more potions that she doesn’t need or even knows what they do.  She doesn’t even know how to use the potions, even if they were the appropriate potions to get.

25:30 – She makes a cow sound and then says, “Yeah, I got to see the doggos.  I miss my puppies so much.”

If they’re her dogs, why didn’t she bring them with her when she moved to rural Pennsylvania?  Either her relationship with the dogs isn’t very strong or her relationship with Mike isn’t very strong.  Could be both.  

I mean, maybe she didn’t anticipate staying with Mike this long and that’s why she didn’t bring the dogs with her.  “I’ll only be there for six months and then I’ll become a Youtube superstar and will get my own place.  So leave the dogs here for now.”  

Three years later?   $250/month.

25:45 – “I wish I brought the dogs.”

She’s responding to somebody in the chat who obviously suggested that she bring the dogs with her to Mike’s house.  What’s stopping her?  

Then she yawns for about the fourth time in this stream.  Really loudly.  She doesn’t want to do this shit.

26:30 – Shishi asks if he can look up a map and help Erin and Erin says, “Only if you can tell me in Erin speak where to go.”

Earlier, somebody suggested that she go northwest.  She didn’t know what “northwest” meant.

27:00 – “Go left?  See, I can understand that.  I can understand left/right.”

But…it’s an isometric game.  There is no left and right.  There’s only northwest, northeast, southwest, and southeast.  

29:30 – “I need a damn key.”

You have one, you retard.  Let’s see how long it takes for her to figure it out.  I can’t understand why the horntards aren’t telling her this.  It might be something that she has to equip but she doesn’t even know that she has it.

29:45 – “Feel free to give me suggestions because we’re not making any progress here.”

Go see if your job at the record store is still available.

31:00 – “Hey GeekyGirl.  I don’t think that I have a key yet.”

There’s somebody named GeekyGirl?  Let me see if I can find this person.

Oh, she cut a lot out.  The Twitch stream is 3 hours and 10 minutes but the Youtube version is 2 hours and 30 minutes.

Sergio is here again.  He says, “How are you Erin?  It’s nice to see you.”  There are no women in Argentina?

Oh, I found GeekyGirl.  GeekyGirl95 to give her full name.

“25 years young, newb to the Twitch and gaming world!  I welcome you to my channel, just be respectful to each other.  No hate is allowed here. Only by me! Follow me if you wish too. 18+ adult language, and if you’re sensitive this channel isn’t for you.”

Not a bright woman.  And the only videos available are short clips of her playing Doom, poorly, for money?  I’m not even sure if she’s getting money from this.  These videos have one or two views each.  And the one that has two views is the one that I watched.  So they were all at one view.

She plays the game really poorly.  And has no charisma.  She obviously has never played Doom before.

Here’s her Twitter:

“25 (rainbow emojis) I have pride in who I am, and the person I’ve become. Poetry and animals ❤ End Mental Health Stigma.  Be kind.”

Mentally ill lesbian.  Yeah.  We see a lot of those in the gamer grrl scene.

Whoa!  You boys like giant melons?  Check that link out.  

She’s also on TikTok but it’s mostly videos of her children so I won’t link to that.  I think that it’s the same person, though.  She has one video of herself.  She looks rough but what do you expect with a profile like this:

“I am 24 I have 4 beautiful babies 3girls 1boy ages 5,4,3,n 1”

Four children at the age of 24.  Pretty good for a lesbian.  How did that happen?  So those giant titties in the previous video are milk-assisted.

This woman wants you to give her money while she plays video games.  

And all that she said in Erin’s stream was, “Hey there”.  She’s spamming.  She chose an obviously female name to try to pull in the horntards.  It worked on me and I’m not even a horny retard.  

It’s fucking pathetic.  Get your life together, GeekyGirl95.  Nobody is going to give you fucking money to sit on your rapidly expanding ass and play video games.  You have four children and presumably no husband.  Go get a job and stop procreating.


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