Batman Forever is Fun! – Talking About Tapes – Tony from Hack the Movies

Two hours of this.  TWO HOURS.  How long is the movie?  Let me check.  Also two hours.

So you can either watch the movie or a review of the movie.  

These things should be 30 minutes absolute maximum.  Tony has said that longer videos do better but I refuse to believe it.  Who is possibly watching two hours of this?  And fucking Newt’s pod person girlfriend is in this one.  Come on.  NOBODY can possibly watch this.

A couple of years ago, I saw a review of Star Wars Episode 1 on RedLetterMedia or whatever it is that was longer than the movie.  And they made a joke of it.  And that video was an exceptional thing.  It was a “special” video for a film that has a lot of appeal among the nerds.  

Batman Forever is not some kind of special film that all the nerds care about.  And he’s making these long videos for EVERY VIDEO.  

Show the audience some respect and appreciate that nobody ON EARTH wants to hear you talk for two hours.  It’s nothing personal.  I don’t want to hear ANYBODY talk for two hours about ANYTHING.  But add to that a boring subject matter (more “the 90s” movies) and fucking Crystal “Klaatu Barada Nikto” Quin.

Anyway, let’s watch the first five or ten minutes of this and see how we get on.

0:45 – Newt and Crystal are wearing “sexy” costumes and Crystal says, “It’s going to take a long time to take this off.  There’s a lot of tightness going on here.”

Eugh.  What a way to start off.  I’d rather not think about any of this.

2:00 – Crystal was saying something about boobs, because this is what she does, but Newt just talked over her so I have no idea what she said.  I’m not sure if I should criticise Newt for talking over her or thank him for doing so.

7:00 – Tony teases a commentary track (or something) on Patreon where they go “into more detail”.  So…for those of you out there who aren’t satisfied with TWO HOURS of commentary about this movie, you can go to Patreon for EVEN MORE.  He’s really spoiling us.  Or totally wasting his time, I’m not sure.

11:45 – After a series of oddly homophobic comments (and that’s coming from me) Newt says something about “LGBTQ….LGBTQA” directors.  He says that he could “get behind” (insert your own joke here) “LGBTQA” directors doing superhero movies because superheroes are…camp, or something.  He says “larger than life” but he must mean “camp”.  I mean…

Well, let’s not veer too far off course.  Let’s look at this.

After making a number of oddly homophobic comments (including something about Robin having “dick sucking lips”) Newt suddenly is at pains to show how sensitive he is to the “LGBTQA” community.  So much so, that he adds the “A”.  What does the “A” even stand for?  I’ve never seen that.  “Assfuckers”, I guess.

Oh.  “Asexual”.  That’s a protected “sexual identity” now, apparently.

And why is “queer” in there?  Doesn’t that fall under “gay”?  Maybe somebody more enlightened than me can explain.

And then yeah, he makes this weird comment about how “LGBTQA” people are…possibly better at directing superhero movies?  I guess because of all the dressing up and flamboyant behaviour and colourful sets and whatnot.  

So…Newt is suggesting that “LGBTQA” people have a propensity to being flamboyant and enjoying dressing up and whatnot?  That’s offensive.  He’s just perpetuating stereotypes.  

He also seems to be ignoring women in this “LGBTQA” alphabet salad.  You’re telling me that a big bull dyke who wears camo every day is flamboyant and fabulous?  

So by doubling back and trying to show what a sensitive guy he is to the “LGBTQA” “community”, he just magnified his own prejudices.  Not to mention the fact, that he implied that heterosexual men aren’t fit to direct superhero movies.  Why not?  Heterosexual men can’t be flamboyant and fabulous?  Heterosexual men can’t direct “larger than life” characters?  Heterosexual men don’t like colourful sets?  Go fuck yourself.  

12:30 – Weird pronunciation of “during” from Crystal.  She says it twice.  Must be a regional thing.

Also, Crystal isn’t saying much.  It doesn’t help that Newt is constantly talking over her.  

But watching this, you just think, “Is this really something that she wants to do?”

I mean…they’re talking about nerdy comic book shit.  Is Crystal interested in nerdy comic book shit?  She’s not contributing much to these nerdy comic book discussions.

I’ve never known any woman in my life who was interested in nerdy comic book shit.  Are such women out there?  I suppose that there must be some woman out there who likes nerdy comic book shit.  But so far, I haven’t found any.

Women tend to like different things than men.  We can all agree on that, right?  

I understand being in a relationship and trying to take an interest in what the other person likes.  Maybe Crystal sends Newt recipes that she finds interesting, or she talks about some new doughnut that she really liked, or she shows him pictures of cute cats or whatever.  And Newt’s responsibility, being in a relationship with Crystal, is to sit there and pretend that he’s interested in that shit.  

Likewise, when Newt talks about comic books, and action movies, and what a badass he is, it’s Crystal’s responsibility to sit there and pretend that she’s interested in that shit.

There’s a difference between that and going on a podcast, dressed as a superhero, and declaring to the world, “I REALLY LOVE THIS NERDY COMIC BOOK SHIT”.  It comes off as fake and we all know that it’s fake.

12:45 – Crystal says that the guy who plays Commissioner Gordon (I think) is “so hot”.  

This is what I’m talking about.  She can only contribute on the most superficial of levels because she’s not interested in this shit and doesn’t know anything about it.  

Anyway, everybody just talks over her, as usual.  

Oh wait.  Maybe she was saying that some woman in the film was “so hot”.  Because that’s what they talk about immediately after.  Well, I prefer to think that she was talking about Commissioner Gordon.

13:15 – Newt says “scolded” for “scalded”.  Must be a regional thing.

16:45 – Crystal describes Two-Face as looking “Half pimp, half business.”

She does this all the time.  Everything she says has to be somehow sexual.  It’s sad.  Her entire personality, such as it is, is centred around sex and her appearance.  

17:30 – Crystal then makes a comment about how she liked the colour of Two-Face’s scarred half of his face because it matches the neon of…something.  Then Newt gives her a patronising look and she says, “What’s that look for?”

This is why they keep talking over her.  They don’t like her contributions.  And they’re right, she’s not going to make any intellectual, nerdy, comic book comments.  How can she?  She doesn’t know anything about the comics.

So why bring her on?  If you’re just going to keep talking over her and being patronising when she does her typical female “not interested in this bullshit but I’m trying” commentary, then don’t bring her on.  Don’t bring her on and then be an asshole to her.

I mean, yes, her contributions are all terrible.  I’ve written a whole review detailing this.    

But YOU decided to bring her on.  YOU knew it was going to be bad.   So either make the best of it and accept that she’s going to make idiotic comments or don’t bring her on.  

If you want to have some kind of nerdy discussion about whether or not Dick Grayson could beat up Jason Todd, do so with other comic book nerds, who invariably will be guys.  Don’t bring your fucking girlfriend on the show and then give her shit for not knowing what anybody is talking about.  All she can do is her best.  She can talk about how cute Robin is, she can talk about colours, and she can talk about actresses who she wants to have sex with.  That’s it.  We all know it.  But you’re the dumbass who asked her to be on the show.

26:00 – Crystal starts tugging at the collar of her costume and Tony asks her if she’s okay.  She says, “Newt literally hands me costumes all the time and says, ‘Here.  Put this on and I don’t question it.'”

Ummm…I don’t need or want to know this.

Then Newt says, “This is the same one that Erin has.”

Oh, he’s right.  Erin wore this costume.  Let me check the archives.

No, I wrote about it but it’s lost to the ages.  It was some Halloween video from like two years ago.  Oh, here’s the video.  It’s the main one on her “Extras” channel.

Newt must have really liked that costume.  I didn’t even remember it and I watch every Erin Plays video.  Sadly.

Then Crystal says, “Erin has this?” and is clearly uncomfortable.  Or maybe that’s just her normal awkward behaviour.  Then she, disingenuously, says, “Erin, come to the show.  We’ll be matching Batgirls.”

Oh, don’t tease me.  Think of how horrendous that video would be.  Crystal, Erin…get Mint Salad in there too.  Fuck Newt.  Fuck Tony.  I want to see a podcast with Crystal, Erin, and Mint Salad.  And I want them to review She’s All That.

I don’t think that we can include Johanna, though.  Four people is probably too much.  Even three is too much.  So yeah, I’m afraid that Johanna doesn’t make the cut.  I mean, Johanna would actually be the most competent person there.  Think about that.  Johanna would actually be the best person on the podcast.  That’s how dire the rest of these clowns are.

26:45 – Tony talks about how there’s a scene with whips and chains and that it looks like there’s a giant gimp in the city.  Crystal says, “yeah” in a breathy fashion.  Then she says “Woo hoo” to the suggestion that there’s a gimp.

I mean…isn’t this a gay thing?  Whatever it is, I don’t want to think about it.  I don’t want to think anything even remotely sexual in regards to Crystal.  But she CONSTANTLY makes weird sexual references.  

Then there’s…oh.  Tony mentions that Joel Schumacher was gay and had a lot of gay sex.  Newt says something like, “If I was in his position, I’d do the same thing.  I’d be getting a lot of stank on my hanglow.”  And Crystal agrees with this.

They’re both scumbags.  They’re disgusting scumbags.  And I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.  I don’t want to fucking think about Newt or Crystal having sex.  It’s fucking gross.  Keep this shit to yourself.     Nobody ON EARTH wants to think about Newt’s fucking “hanglow” or Crystal’s “stank”.  

Anyway, that’s enough of this bullshit.  Tony from Hack the Movies and Newt and, to a much lesser degree Crystal, talk about Batman Forever for another 90 minutes.  And possibly Newt’s penis some more.  God help anybody who watches the rest of this shit.

“So hot”

8 thoughts on “Batman Forever is Fun! – Talking About Tapes – Tony from Hack the Movies

  1. who the fuck is newt? this reminds me of a common gripe that the folks on that reddit (you know which one) had in regards to the screenwave guys, that they had just suddenly been thrown on screen and left there. no introduction nor explanation of who they were. they just randomly popped by and became a common presence from then on. i'm getting the same vibes from this individual

  2. I don't think that it makes a difference. Lack of introduction is just the excuse used to “hate on” the Screenwave crew.Had James said, “Here are Tony, Kieran, and Justin. They work at a company called Screenwave. They're going to help me make videos” people still would have called them fat fucks and whatnot. It's nothing to do with a lack of introduction. The people on Reddit are just catty gay men who don't like bears.You'll notice that they actively like Newt. That's the “meme”. To like Newt. But Newt didn't get an introduction. What's the difference? Newt isn't 200+ pounds.If it helps, Newt worked in a movie theatre, the theatre went out of business, so now he's working at Screenwave. He often co-hosts the Talking About Tapes show on Youtube along with his automaton-like girlfriend.

  3. Jenny Nicholson is a gamer girl who actually is a nerdy girl who probably knows more about marvel and star wars than all of us put together. Idk if she plays videogames but she knows star wars.. So that's at least 1. Statistically if 1 exists than there's gotta be a few more out of 4 billion of them? The math isn't in our favor though.

  4. I like how you're admitting, as a weakling of course, that you need to be babystepped and introduced to everything.You can't just decide based on example or context if you want to watch content based on whether you like the persons' opinions or not. There has to be like an entire backstory and set up and explanations here and there.I can't believe I'm even saying this, but the response the blog's author had is fairly apt and it's true. You guys are fucking losers and act more like you're jealous of people like Newt than you are actually interested in an actual answer of who he is.Like you're this late to the party? He's been on Tony's channel for ages at this point. You haven't rounded out Newt based on context by now? You're still pondering about a not overly complicated individual? That's kinda crazy.

  5. So…you've watched this much Hack the Movies content, and yet you haven't noticed the copious number of times that Newt and Crystal have mentioned or referenced that they “used to” date. Like, years and years ago?You apparently think they're currently dating though? lolI know, I know. You will probably think it makes no difference. But it does. Most of their sparring has to do with the fact they broke up and moved on but know all this personal info about each other still. It's what ex's do sometimes.It's like Tony and Johanna's whole thing too. Did you…really not pick up on that by now?

  6. Yeah but see, that's precisely the point.You don't need to be a “historian” on something (your blog is quite a museum btw hypocrite LOL) to simply remember one fact.A fact they have brought up in countless vids.I'm kind of laughing my ass off here that your best defense to you being told you don't know very public knowledge that is brought up a LOT on a channel you comment all the time about, is “hurrrr I'm not a historian like you”.You might as well have said “yes, I literally don't know anything about what I talk about nor do I pay attention even so I'm not embarrassed by my lack of context in situations.”In fact, I've seen you use this “historian” defense on more than one occasion on here. It seems to be your go to kneejerk reaction to being made a fool publicly.

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