Gamer Girls

 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1012581992

She does “just chatting” streams.  Does she ever play video games?  I think so.  Maybe.  Sometimes.  But she has four videos from this week and they’re all “just chatting” streams.  There are no other videos available for public consumption.

I wrote a review of one of her streams before but I never published it for reasons I can’t remember.  Maybe it was too mean-spirited or maybe it just didn’t meet the GamerGrrls quality control system.

But from what I remember, she was boring as fuck.  Oh.  I remember why I deleted the review now.  She was so fucking boring that I couldn’t watch that shit any more and just went into an extended rant about what a vulgar low-life she is.  And if you’re a vulgar lowlife, you’re going to attract other vulgar lowlifes.  Hence, her relationship with vulgar lowlife Newt.  But I’ll try to keep the husband-finding advice to a minimum in this review.

For some background, here’s her description on Twitter:

“I’m a classy boss bitch scream queen nerd that likes blood, monsters, and naked people.”

Yeah.  Sounds classy.

So on to the video.  Reluctantly.

She titled this one “Cinco de Mayo”.  Because…they’re all about Cinco de Mayo in rural Pennsylvania?

Let me look at the demographics of that fucking village that Screenwave is located at.  She must live in the area.

Chalfont, Pennsylvania.  Population: 4,000.  92.7% white, non-Hispanic.  1.7% of the population are Hispanic.

It’s a fucking joke.  This woman is like 35 years old.  She should know better than to do this fake SJW bullshit.

I mean, seriously?  Cinco de Mayo?  

It’s a made up Mexican-American holiday.  But I have absolutely no problem with Mexican-Americans celebrating it.  

But Crystal Quin?  35 year old white woman from rural Pennsylvania?  

I grew up in a multi-racial area.  I’ve lived most of my life in major cities.  Almost always racially diverse.  I’ve had associates of all races.  My long-time girlfriend is a black woman.  I’m all about racial equality.

But I am not fucking celebrating Cinco de Mayo.  Why would I?  I’m not celebrating fucking Chinese New Year or Ramadan or the Crowning of Emperor Haile Selassie I either.  There are only so many days in the year.  I can’t celebrate every fucking holiday on earth just to appease somebody.

By the way, what holiday is 7 May?  It must be something.  

It’s Defender of the Fatherland Day in Kazakhstan.  Commemorates the founding of the Kazakhstan military.

Dien Bien Phu Victory Day in Vietnam.  Holiday not important enough to get a Wikipedia page.

Radio Day in Russia.  Commemorates some Russian guy who did shit with radios.

Ooh and it’s Be Best Day in the Land of Opportunity.  This is a holiday created by Melania Trump in 2018 advocating against cyber bullying and opioid misuse.  Probably my favourite day of the year.  You get that special Be Best feeling in your heart around this time.  Everyone is going around singing Be Best carols.  And all the family gathers around and has a Be Best turkey dinner with all the trimmings.

So on to the video.  We’re waiting for Crystal to grace us with her presence and people in the chat are talking about Taco Bell.

That reminds me.  In the previous video that I watched of hers, she was talking about how the only fast food that she eats is Taco Bell.  So this all comes together.  Fake Mexican-American fast food to celebrate a fake Mexican-American holiday.

Hey guys!  Remember Cinco de Mayo?

I remember Mexican guys hanging outside of car windows driving around and holding Mexican flags while blaring Tejano music, yes.  What I don’t remember is a single white person doing same.

“Hey guys!  What’s up?  What’s up?  What’s up?  What’s up?  (sucks teeth and dances)”

This is fucking brutal.  I think that I’m going to only last seconds on this one.  She’s fucking AWFUL.

She’s just so fucking fake.  I read some comment recently, it must have been on one of Tony from Hack the Movies’ fine videos, and the commentator described Crystal is “trying too hard.”  I think that’s a fair description.  This isn’t genuine.  

I’ve described it before as an alien trying to behave like a human being.  I think that that’s accurate.  There’s something deeply unsettling about her behaviour.  You know that it’s fake.  

This is why people are afraid of clowns.  They have a happy persona but you know that it’s fake.  You know that the smile is painted on.  There’s a disconnect between what you see and the reality.  

Oh, she’s drinking margaritas.  Because it’s Cinco de Mayo!

Is that all this is?  An excuse for a white woman in rural Pennsylvania to get drunk?  

She also puts some weird “party” animations on the screen of like balloons and whatnot.  Because…this is how her people celebrate Cinco de Mayo.  By “her people” I mean, “white hillbilly drunks”.

Is Pennsylvania within the “hillbilly” area?  Let me check a map.  I know it’s a northern state but…is it close enough?

Yeah, well, maybe.  I mean, what else would you call somebody from a rural area?  “Hillbilly” is all I can come up with.  Even though…well, are the Appalachian Mountains in Pennsylvania?  This is a real geography lesson for me.

They are indeed.  So I was right.  This woman is a hillbilly.  Drinking her moonshine on Cinco de Mayo.

Then she talks about some pictures.  She took some pictures recently.  She’s some kind of a “model”.  I…you know…I’m hesitant to comment on people’s appearance but…well…we can all see.  We can all make our determination as to whether this woman should be making a living off of her appearance or not.  

I mean…she’s apparently doing it.  Sort of.  So whatever anyone else’s opinion is doesn’t really matter.

Then she promotes the upcoming Talking About Tapes that she’s going to be on.  It might be out already by the time you read this.  Tony from Hack the Movies is teasing a “premiere” of it.  I’m on fucking tenterhooks here.  Hopefully, it’s going to be ONLY this woman and Tony from Hack the Movies.

Holy shit.  Then she graces us with a clip of the upcoming show.  It’s her, Johanna of Castszilla versus the Podmonster fame, and Tony from Hack the Movies.  That’s a dream team.

Oh my god.  I just had a brilliant idea.  Cystal Quin and Mint.  No Tony from Hack the Movies.  Just Crystal Quin and Mint Salad.  That would be a podcast for the ages.

Oh, and Crystal is wearing a top or something….what do you call it…off the shoulder?  The shoulders aren’t covered.  Excuse my poor fashion terminology.  But I’m fully erect here.  Whoa!  Just give me a minute here.

They hold hands in the clip.  I don’t know why.  I wasn’t listening.

Then she says, “Honestly, I just wanted an excuse to hold Johanna’s hand.”

It’s just…it’s so disingenuous.  Forgive me for saying that Johanna is not a typical hottie.  But what makes it all the more annoying is that Crystal is no fucking hottie.  But SHE thinks that she is.  That’s why she does the “modelling”.  SHE thinks that she’s hot.  SHE thinks that people are jacking off to this shit.  

So she thinks that she’s doing Johanna a favour by claiming that she wanted to hold her hand.  She thinks that by complimenting Johanna, that’s a big pick me up.  She thinks that Johanna is thinking, “Wow, if a hot chick like Crystal thinks that I’m attractive, I must really be something.”

No.  We can all fucking see Crystal.  This is an obnoxious woman, with no personality, no intellect, and no class.  And physically…well, it’s not working for me.  I’m trying to be as tactful as possible.

You know, she told a story on one of these Talking About Tapes about how she worked in some place and the manager suggested that she have intercourse with him for a raise or something.  It wasn’t a raise but I can’t remember what it was.  And she declined.

But she told this story to illustrate what a hot babe she is and how everybody is constantly trying to have sex with her.

This is how she thinks.  Legitimately.  Is this what passes for a hot babe in rural Pennsylvania?  She’s no Elly May Clampett, I’ll tell you that.

Oh my god.  Just watch this shit.  It’s…she’s just so fucking fake.  I can’t quite describe it.  

Then she says that she wants a Johnanna t-shirt but has to wait until her next pay cheque.  Come on.  Are we supposed to believe that ANYONE wants a Johanna t-shirt?  It’s of her fucking Youtube channel, which is abandoned, and has like 500 subscribers.

Then somebody leaves and she does a really exaggerated production that ends with blowing a kiss.  I mean…fuck.  This is brutal.  You could show this shit to particularly uncooperative POWs to try to extract information out of them.  But it would be a war crime.

By the way, I’m 30 minutes in and she hasn’t talked about ANYTHING yet.  She’s just talking to one of the horntards about him living in Michigan.  And he invites her to visit him.  I don’t know if he lives in an assisted living facility or with his parents or what the situation is.

Now she’s guessing what state the horntards live in and congratulating herself when she gets it right.  But this is just a way to make the horntards feel special.  “Yeah, this….”hot”…woman remembered what state I’m from.”  And her reactions are so fucking fake.  

Cherrybonds12 says, “I met Elvira.  She was a groovy chick.”

Great.  Hey guys!  Remember Elvira?  

I guess.  This guy is actually *nostalgic* over masturbating.

But yeah, this is what this woman does.  She’s somehow very loosely involved with horror…something.  The horror scene of rural Pennsylvania.

Then she literally starts writing down what state all of the horntards are from.

This is like rock bottom.  What can be any more boring than this?  This is like boring shit you do on long car journeys.  Is she going to start challenging the horntards to tic tac toe next?  Or hangman?  What about a game of I spy?

“I spy with my little eye something starting with…’L'”.

“Is it a loser?”

She’s been doing this state game for 20 minutes now.  Why am I still watching this?  It’s just hilariously bad.  

She called herself a “loser” twice since I wrote that, so that was prophetic.

Then she starts talking about where she’s from in terms of local sports teams.  Go team!  Crystal Quin is all about those local sports teams.  God.  Come on.  What is this woman ACTUALLY like?  What is her ACTUAL personality?  If any?  Or is it just always an act and she’s an empty husk inside.

“Fuck the Red Wings but okay”.

Yeah.  Because she’s really, really passionate about…hockey?  

Then she talks about how she drives to various “gigs”.  How many people can possibly be paying this woman to be a “model”?  Even if it was nude modelling, which I don’t know if it is or not, why would anybody do that?  I just…I know that there are plenty of unattractive models.  And I think that she does like…whatever…”gothic” type shit.  So there’s probably not many people doing that.  She probably has her own clothes that she can bring.  Whatever.  

But…there’s a market for that?  There’s a market to see women dressed up as vampires or whatever?  Who’s paying for this?  

I’m at an hour now.  I’ve just had it on as background noise.  I don’t know.  It’s kind of growing on me.  She’s awful.  No question.  But it’s so bad that it’s funny.  Whenever I tune in to whatever stupid, fake bullshit she’s talking about, I inevitably start laughing.  They’re talking about fucking gas prices now.

I’m going to go make something to eat now.  I’ll just leave this running.  I won’t miss anything important.

She’s doing some kind of birthday game while still doing the state game and she says, “Remember, remember the fifth of November.”

Why does she know this?  Maybe she celebrates Guy Fawkes Night too.

Then she says that she’ll send everyone a birthday card if they give her their address.  She also says that she’s going to send a thank you card to everyone who sent her a Valentine’s Day card.

So yeah.  This is what this is.  It’s lonely, mentally retarded men using this horrible woman as a surrogate girlfriend.  And she’s enabling it, of course.  For pennies.

These guys are walking around the assisted living home in their taekwondo helmets bragging that they have a “model” girlfriend.  

“Can I get another five dollars to send to my girlfriend?”

“Sorry, Lennie.  You’ve already used up all of the money that your mother sent you this month.”

Oh, she knew that Guy Fawkes thing because her birthday is on 5 November.

She saves the document with these people’s home state and birthday as “creeper army classified information”.  What a way to treat the mentally retarded.  SHE was the one who wanted this fucking information.  Change the fucking topic if you don’t want to do this.  Change it something INTERESTING.

Then she says, I don’t know the context for this because I was making a hamburger at the time, but when I came back she said, “Tony has his ‘Hackers’ or whatever but what do I have?  I refuse to have ‘simps'”

She made air quotes, as indicated.  

Two things arise.

1.  Does she honestly think that Tony from Hack the Movies has a fanbase and said fanbase call themselves “Hackers”?  

2.  Does she honestly think that she has “simps”?

I mean…I guess she does.  But these guys are legitimately mentally retarded.  It’s nothing to be proud of.  She should be deeply ashamed for taking advantage of these clearly disadvantaged guys.  

Think about what’s happening here.  This is a woman who is being told how hot she is BY RETARDS.  And she actually believes it.  She’s internalised it.  So now she thinks that everybody wants to have sex with her, retards and non-retards alike.  I have some bad news for her.

Then the horntards complained about being called “creepers” so she did a poll to decide what they should be called. What about “Special Forces”?

Then people stop talking so she played a sound file of somebody screaming.  “I hope that woke everybody up.”

Well, here’s the problem as I see it.  People aren’t talking because they’ve grown tired of state, birthday, and “fan” group name talk.  TALK ABOUT SOMETHING INTERESTING.

Fucking ninety minutes of this.  

Oh.  It seems like she’s going to start playing a game.  She got bored with the chat.  Actually, I think that the chat got bored of her before she got bored of them.

So she’s playing something called Phasmophobia.  Some stupid ghost game, I guess.  Being a reasonably well-adjusted adult, I’m not interested in this.

So that was Crystal Quin’s Cinco de Mayo stream.  What did it have to do with Cinco de Mayo?  Nothing.  Couldn’t she have talked about some aspect of Mexico?  Even just the food would be something.  Regale us with that story about how awesome the Taco Bell taco with both the hard and the soft shell is again.  

Or what about playing a Mexican game?  A game made in Mexico or a game about Mexico or even just a game that had at least one Mexican person working on it?  Let me look this up.

Lucha Libre AAA?  How did I miss this?  Released in 2010.  Oh.  It got terrible reviews.  Still, it doesn’t have to be good to be entertaining “content”.  Talk about how bad it is.  

Call of Juarez: The Cartel.  There’s some controversy about racism but see for yourself if it’s justified.

Attractio.  A Mexican take on Portal.

NarcoGuerra.  A strategy game about government troops battling drug cartels in Mexico.

El Chavo Kart.  Mario Kart but Mexican.  

It took me about ten seconds to come up with these ideas.  She obviously spent no time WHATSOEVER brainstorming ideas before starting the stream.  And it showed.  Writing down everyone’s home state?  And birthday?  And what they want to be called as a collective group of your “fans”?  This is fucking abysmal.  

She relies on the chat to come up with ideas.  Here’s why it doesn’t work: THE CHAT IS RETARDED.  

I’ve worked with mentally retarded people.  I wouldn’t approach them and say, “So what do you want to talk about?  Entertain me.”  I had to lead the conversation.  I had to ask the questions.  

This was without question the most boring, pointless, awkward stream I have ever seen.  

But yeah.  That Crystal is a real hot babe.  I hear that Tommy Westphall has a poster of her hanging up over his bed.  Hey guys!  Remember Tommy Westphall?