VOIDGAZERS, Ep. 6: Talking About Cool As Ice! – Tony from Hack the Movies


I was writing a review on this, I got about halfway through, and then I thought, “What’s the point?”  So I erased it.

It’s a gay man in a cape, a gimp, a ladyboy, and Tony from Hack the Movies.  They’re talking about some Vanilla Ice movie that nobody remembers or cares about.  

We all know that the video is going to be bad.  These are dumb, gap-toothed, inbred hillbillies doing everything that they possibly can to get attention.  It’s like monkeys at the zoo jacking off.  These monkeys know that it’s going to create a reaction so that’s why they do it.

I’d rather watch masturbating monkeys than this shit.  Incidentally, the monkey house at the zoo probably smells better than this Talking About Tapes set when they were filming.  

That’s all I’m going to say about that shit but if you’d like some *nostalgia* shit from a school play that I was in, read on.

I must have been in the third grade.  No older than that.  Maybe second grade.  And there was some kind of lame school play.  Not anything with a plot but just each class comes out one at a time and sings and dances.

It was the music teacher who arranged all of this.  There were very rudimentary rehearsals that we would have during music class.  Music class was once a week.

The music teacher was a former or possibly current hippie with hair that literally went down to her knees.  She was probably…I don’t know…she seemed fairly old as a kid but she was probably in her late 30s.  Somewhere around there.

This was in the mid 1980s so if my age is accurate, she definitely was in the hippie era as a young adult.

She made us sing fucking Beatles songs for this thing.  There were two or three of them.  One of them was I Want to Hold Your Hand.  

Why would you have eight year olds singing a love song?  It’s weird.  

And let me tell you, this was awkward as fuck.  NOBODY wanted to sing this.  At least none of the guys.  The girls were fairly enthusiastic about it.  But every single guy HATED this.  You have to go on stage, in front of everyone’s parents, and make a total ass of yourself with this shit.  

I remember at the rehearsals this being addressed.  Because none of us wanted to do it and it was obvious.  The teacher said something like, “You may think that you look silly by singing but you’ll look even more silly if you don’t sing.”  And she was right.  So there’s no way out of this.  No matter what you do, you’re going to look like a complete fool.

The song was sung as a duet.  The girls were on one side of the stage and the boys were on the other side.  And there was an embarrassing little dance routine that went along with all of this.

So it’s the night of the big show.  We’re all dressed up.  I don’t remember what we had to wear.  We go out there, get in formation, and it’s time to sing this song.  

The girls start.  Really enthusiastic.  “Oh yeah I’ll tell you something I think you’ll understand!”

Then it’s the boys’ turn.  And we just mumble it, as we’ve done throughout the rehearsals.  The audience laughs.  So we all looked like fucking idiots.

After the show, I asked my mother why they laughed.  I knew why but I wanted confirmation.  She said something like, “When the Beatles sang it, they were really upbeat about it.”

Why would anybody think that making eight year olds sing a love song from 15 years before they were born is a good idea?  This is not how you instil a love for theatre in children.  

Not a single boy wanted to do this.  I can’t stress this enough.  It wasn’t just me or even a sizeable majority.  NOBODY wanted to do it. 

Couldn’t we have done something cool?  I was thinking like a drama but I suppose that singing would have to be involved because this was for music class.  

What about a contemporary song?  Money for Nothing?  Rock Me Amadeus.  Something.  Anything would be better than I Want to Hold Your Hand.

It would be like today making eight year olds sing songs from 1996.  What is this ancient shit?  I’m not doing this.

Wannabe from the Spice Girls would be analogous.  There would be outrage.  This song isn’t appropriate for eight year olds.

But this is how things were back in the day.  The only real answer is to abolish these fucking plays or talent shows or whatever they’re called.  Fucking nobody wants to go anyway.  Do they even do this shit any more?  I should hope not.

12 thoughts on “VOIDGAZERS, Ep. 6: Talking About Cool As Ice! – Tony from Hack the Movies

  1. Why did you choose our review to vent about something that happened in grade school. Just get therapy dude….and also call into Castzilla you coward.

  2. Your video was so shit that it didn't deserve a proper review.I initially was going to leave it at the first four paragraphs. But then I decided to talk about off-topic stuff, just to pad things out. As you're aware, I sometimes do this. I do this when there's not much to say about the content or when I'm bored or when the content is really, really bad, as was the case here.I even gave full warning. I couldn't be any clearer. If you didn't want to read about my school play, nobody forced you to. That was your decision.

  3. So you had time to read a 700 word article about my school play but no time to read two short paragraphs directly addressing your question.I thought about taking you up on your offer but I have to decline. Even though I know it's just an attempt to make me look like an idiot, I still appreciate the offer. And if I was a different sort of person, I might have done it. I'd get some interesting “content” out of it and it might even be fun.But I'm not that sort of person. I'm not looking to be a big internet celebrity alongside such greats as Mint or that transgender hillbilly rapper. What would I have to gain from it? Promotion of the blog? You already do that and the numbers coming in from said promotion are negligible. And I don't care how many people come here anyway.

  4. LMAO says the guy who is bothered by countless youtubers to the point he has an entire tear filled blog devoted just to complaining about all of them.Have you really self-convinced yourself in this echo chamber at this deluded a level? lolYou definitely know you would make a total fool of yourself if you actually came on to one of Tony's videos. Hell, you would look like an intellectual insect to Johanna alone. They would hardly need to say much of anything. You're skilled already at embarrassing yourself without their help. We need not pretend like it's any other thing happening here man. At least be enough of a man to actually own it instead of continuing this half troll/half serious attempt at a hobby. It's really gotten cringe at this point. Most people are just making fun of you and this whole endeavor because you've made such a spectacle of yourself publicly. But hey, blame Tony if it makes you feel like a victim :p

  5. I don't know how the blog can be described as an “echo chamber”. First of all, not many people write comments. Secondly, I don't ban anyone. People are free to write whatever they want. Even weird Johanna “simps” like yourself are free to leave comments. I welcome differing views.I've said numerous times already that I would be bad on the show. That doesn't make Johanna any less bad. And anyway, she's okay. She's a lot better than she was in earlier podcasts. There are much worse out there. Newt's “model” girlfriend, for example, is completely unlistenable. But “good”? No. Funny? No. Intelligent? No. I'm not saying she's an idiot but she's certainly not making any high brow comments on this Godzilla podcast.

  6. (Sigh) Dear lord man.You need to me to actually explain that a place where someone rants their hateful thoughts about things can be an echo chamber just as much as an open forum can be?I don't need you to inform me you don't “ban” people either. It has nothing to do with anything I said, and I never thought you were able to anyway due to the nature of how this hosting site is set up.Also lol, I'm not a simp for anyone. I'm a dude making fun of you and this whole blog regardless of who you're talking about. I've seen maybe two videos with Johanna in them. It's just your hate boner for her has been so demonstrably profound on here it was an obvious choice of person to mention.

  7. Like, you do realize I only even mentioned the name “Johanna” just to bait you right?You cannot possibly be this naive that you didn't realize that lol.

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