https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZdZAD6u6gU
Hey guys! Remember Paperboy?
Sure, I remember Paperboy. I didn’t have a Nintendo myself but I played it at a friend’s house once or twice. And maybe another friend’s house. I wasn’t impressed. It’s a game that everyone seemed to have, though. It was pretty popular in its day.
I suppose that the theme appealed to children. At the time of the game’s release (1988 for the NES version) paperboys were largely being replaced by papermen. Small time local newspapers still used paperboys who would go around in their bicycles and deliver papers but the bigger newspapers started hiring men to go around in a van and throw newspapers from the van.
But still, we were old enough to remember a time when paperboys existed. They would have paper routes. We called them “paper outs” because we didn’t really know what a “route” was and it sounds largely the same as “paper route.”
You might have had an older sibling or neighbour who had a paper route and you’d dream, “One day, I’m going to get a paper route too and make some money.” But it wasn’t to be. The industry was changing. And now all of those paper men are out of a job too The journalists are unemployed. Whole newspapers shut down. Everyone from the office assistant to the editor-in-chief is out on the street. Cleaning staff are all gone. The local coffee shops who relied on their custom had to shut down. The people who manufacture newsprint are all homeless now. Ink manufacturers. It goes on and on like this.
So yeah, I remember Paperboy. The game sucked ass. But the real question is does Erin remember Paperboy? Naturally, the answer is no. She never played this before. She only started playing video games in 2017 when she started her Youtube channel. And she only plays games if it’s for a Twitch stream and she’s getting paid or for a Youtube video and she’s getting paid. She’s making $200/month from this.
This is what people are doing for work now. Fake gamer grrls. A generation or two ago, we had honest, good paying jobs at the newspaper or the paper pulp factory or what have you. Now fake grrl is all that people can aspire to. “Maybe I’ll be that one fake gamer grrl in a million who actually makes a living wage out of this, at least for a few years before I get too old for this (about 30). It’s unfortunate in the extreme. All the jobs are gone and people are fighting for shit “jobs” like fake gamer grrl. It’s been going this way since the 1970s. Hey guys! Remember when the US business and political elite moved their manufacturing base to China? I’m so *nostalgic* for getting a good wage for dignified work.
Then there was the much less popular Paperboy 2. Released in 1991. Erin never played this one either, of course. Maybe she played it for a few minutes during a “variety stream”. I don’t know. But does it matter? You just know that she’s going to suck giant fucking penis at this game. Maybe she’s going to talk about the colours. Maybe she’s going to say that something is cute. I think that this game lets you play as a papergirl. If that’s the case, you just know she’s going to pick the girl. Will she make an “X looks like Y” comment? It wouldn’t be an Erin Plays video if she didn’t. So without further ado, let’s forget our troubles for 10 minutes and 23 seconds (Yay! Monetisation!) and enjoy the show.
0:00 – Oh, she’s wearing her sexy jean jacket again. Hey guys! Remember jean jackets? She’s bringing it back! Next stop, parachute pants.
“For some reason that I really can’t explain, I’ve been kind of addicted to Paperboy 2”.
Oh, do tell, Erin. You’ve been playing this game a lot in your spare time, have you?
Let’s check Twitch.
Eight days ago, she did a 1 hour and 45 minute stream of Paperboy 2. That’s what she’s talking about. She played a game on stream, for money, for less than two hours. She’s “addicted” to it. For some reason. That reason is “I really need that two hundred bucks this month.”
And two days ago, she did a “just chatting” stream where she went through some of her games. The stream is two hours but no way did it take her two hours to go through her collection of games. And she’s wearing that same fucking jean jacket in that video.
So once again, if you’re watching Erin’s streams, you have no reason to watch the Youtube videos. Because she just uses the streams to find “content” for the Youtube videos. The Youtube videos are just rehashes of these shitty streams. The games are the same, the clothes are the same, the “jokes” are the same. She puts absolutely no effort into anything that she does. But give her money anyway. Appearance-wise, she’s a 4/10. She deserves money for that.
“But I went with the SNES version. The music’s better, it’s a little closer to the arcade. So let’s check it out.”
Oh, you know what else I noticed? She played both the NES and the SNES versions of this game for this stream. That’s helpful.
0:15 – “So the furthest I’ve made it in the NES version is to Thursday.”
She’s talking about this stream eight days ago where she played the game briefly, for money. Who cares how you did on your first attempt? Put the time into the fucking game for once in your life and THEN do the video. Play the game extensively for at least a month. Do it IN YOUR SPARE TIME. Become proficient at it. Then make a Youtube video about it.
This business where she plays the game one time, on stream, for money, then does a Youtube video on it is fucking dogshit. How can anybody watch this? What’s the point of any of this?
Joe from Gamesack is sitting there jerking over this. That’s what the point of this is. It’s all about making sure that Joe from Gamesack gets his weekly release.
0:30 – “Alright. So I’m going to be papergirl!”
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Where do I collect my prize?
“I like the little noises.”
One might even say that the noises are…cute!
1:00 – (Gasp!) I never get hit by the gargoyles!
Once again, she’s talking about that time that she played the game, for the first time in her life, EIGHT DAYS AGO, on stream, for money, for less than two hours. I suppose that she’s technically right. But she’s leading the viewer to believe that she has extensive experience with this game. You’re not being honest with the viewer, Erin. Just say, “I played this game for the first time in my life eight days ago, on stream, for money, and now I’m making a Youtube video about it.” What’s so hard about that? People would still watch. There’s not ONE person who would stop watching. Because it’s all about that “hot” gamer grrl action.
1:45 – “So my favourite thing to do is to free that pig that’s being roasted right there.”
Please see previous paragraph.
2:00 – “I always have a hard time getting past that castle.”
And again…
“Who lives there? They have a moat. I want to live in that house.”
What kind of mortgage do you think you can get with an income of $200/month? Let’s figure this out.
Well, the first two online calculators I found don’t go that low. But I found one on Zillow that works.
https://www.zillow.com/mortgage-calculator/
If she can scrape an $8,000 deposit together, she could get a 30 year mortgage on a house that’s worth $40,000 and her monthly payments would be $171/month. So that leaves her $29/month to purchase groceries and jean jackets and video games and all the other expenses. It’s going to be tight but with a really good budget she can do it.
What kind of place can you get for $40,000 in rural Pennsylvania? I’m guessing it won’t be a castle.
Well, I found a couple of three bedroom places in Philadelphia but there aren’t any pictures. That doesn’t bode well.
Let’s try out in the more rural areas.
I found a trailer in a town called Green Lane for $35,000. It looks okay inside but it’s a trailer. Probably not great.
You could get a garage in King of Prussia for $35,000. Probably couldn’t live there legally but just keep it on the down low.
Wow. Look at this place. Six bedrooms for $25,000.
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/549-N-6th-St-Shamokin-PA-17872/78728966_zpid/?
It’s a fixer upper. Looks like it has some fire damage. But we’re getting close to that castle.
Anyway, there are a few places for under $40,000. Not many but I expected there to be none. They all have serious problems but…they’re cheap.
Back to the exciting adventures of Erin Plays!
Oh, did I mention that she’s really bad at the game? If not, I mention it here.
4:15 – “Perfect delivery and a new subscriber! Oh my goodness! I don’t think that I ever got a perfect delivery!”
You played the game once, Erin. On stream, for money. The jig is up. I’ve been exposing this secret for at least a year now. Just admit it so that we can all move on.
5:00 – “This is a crazy game and for some reason it’s just addicting.”
We’ve gone over this. I’m just going to add that she will never play this game again. Unless it’s on stream, for money. “Addicting.”
“I haven’t played the first one that much.”
She might have played it for a few seconds during a “variety stream”. Just say it. We all know. Right?
5:30 – “So stressful!”
You know what real stress is? Having daily anal sex with a man you don’t love for $200/month. Wasting what should be the most financially lucrative years of your life on this stupid fucking fake gamer grrl scam that we all know is NEVER GOING TO WORK OUT.
8:15 – “Do any of you guys enjoy these games?”
Sure. That’s what it’s all about, Erin. Video games. Some people like them.
But she asked the question like it was a totally foreign concept to her. “Come on, guys. No more fooling around. Does anyone REALLY like these games or are you all just messing with me?”
“I have not played Paperboy 64 but I think that I need to do that next.”
On stream for money. But why don’t you stick with Paperboy 2 for a little longer? You find it so addicting, after all. Start playing it in your spare time like a normal person. Maybe learn the controls. Maybe even become good at the game. Anything is possible.
No, we’re moving on. She’s not touching any video game shit unless she’s getting paid.
9:00 – “Ha! I’ve never done that before! That was funny!”
Erin…you played the game ONCE. On stream, for money. For less than two hours. OF COURSE there are things in the game that you haven’t seen before.
You know what I should have been doing? Making an “addicting” count. She must have said “addicting” or “addicted” at least…I’m going to say…seven times in this video. And we all know what’s going to happen to this game at the end of the video. She’ll never even look at it again. That’s her definition of “addiction”?
9:45 – “So the furthest we made it today is Wednesday. Yesterday, on the NES version, I made it to Thursday.”
Yeah. That was the first time you played the game. It was on stream, for money.
“One day I will make it to Saturday. I will become the Paperboy master.”
That’s the spirit. Just imagine how far you could get if you actually practiced the game in your spare time. For HUNDREDS OF HOURS. I know it sounds crazy but people do it. People play video games for many hours. And it’s not just on stream, for money. Maybe try it out. This is a very addicting game, after all. EVERYBODY love Paperboy 2. It’s a classic.
So that’s the video. Of course, Paperboy 2 is a giant pile of shit. But here we have Erin pretending to enjoy the game, having played it for the second (and final) time in her life. The first time she played it was the previous day. On stream, for money.
– “Greeting from the UK, I never played the SNES version of PB2 but I had a NES back in the day and I played this game NONE STOP, Just like you I was addicted to it.”
Ian, get with the fucking programme, you fat bastard.
– “Oh this game, I used to rent it every now and then as a kid lol also wth I just found the cutest gal on youtube! Subbed! Don’t you dare break my window though :P”
Yeah, this is what it’s all about. Joe from Gamesack is cleaning up now. “Oh yeah! Hot gamer grrls!”
NUMEROUS people saying that the character looks like Erin.
It doesn’t. And Papergirl, unlike Erin, has a job.
– “You know it’s gonna be a great weekend when it starts with a video upload from Erin”
I hear that. What a way to kick off all the hedonistic craziness we have planned for the weekend. Friday: Erin Plays video. Saturday: drunken orgies.
Anyway, sorry for the novel-length post. I just got excited. Kind of like Joe from Gamesack when he sees a new Erin Plays video, but non-sexually. It’s been so long since anyone uploaded anything worth reviewing. All of these gamer grrls are taking a much needed break from their “job”. Get back to “work”, ladies! I’m sick of having to write about your god awful Twitters.