Pico 8 with Erin Plays – Mike Matei Live


What’s Pico 8?  Well, according to Wikipedia dot com, it’s an emulator of a “fantasy console”.  It’s  a way to limit what you can do.  Like how people will try to make an Atari 2600 game, for example.  I don’t quite get it, it seems kind of stupid to me, if you want to make a simple game, just make a simple game.  But whatever.  I guess some nerdy “developers” enjoy this sort of shit.

So the video starts and Erin says, “I’ve seen some art of fantasy consoles but this is the first time I’ve seen a fantasy console emulator.”

Uh huh.  First of all, where is she seeing “fantasy console” art?  Let me look this up.

I just Googled “fantasy console” and went to “images” and I’m not seeing anything.  All of the results are for this Pico 8 thing.

So more lies from Erin.  But secondly, she’s so unfamiliar with video games that she apparently thinks that “fantasy console emulators” are mainstream.  Like everyone’s seen them.  “I know you guys have all seen fantasy console emulators before but this is my first time.”  No, Erin.  Nobody other than hardcore nerds has ever even heard of this shit.

Oh, I forgot to mention that Erin is wearing a Nirvana t-shirt.  I’m ten years older than Erin and Nirvana is just barely of my era in terms of when you start listening to music.  Let’s say 1992 was their peak year.  Erin would have been…four years old?  Something like that.  She was rocking out at four?

It would be like me wearing a John Cougar Mellencamp t-shirt.  Sure, I enjoy his work but I’d feel like an idiot wearing such a t-shirt.  It’s before my time.  I’m not going to pretend to be a hardcore John Cougar Mellencamp fan from way back in the day.

I know that Nirvana is still popular with the hip 32 year olds but I don’t know.  It just seems stupid to me.  And more fake interests from Erin.  More fake *nostalgia* from before she was born.

3:15: Erin: So there’s nothing you’re supposed to be collecting or anything?

Mike: I don’t know.  This is my first time playing it.

Erin: Well, aren’t you supposed to know everything and have played every single game?

This is another example of Erin trying to bring to light the serious issue of sexism in the world of Youtube retro gaming.  “People criticise me for not knowing stuff but Mike doesn’t know everything either.”

That’s not the criticism, Erin.  You’re not expected to know everything.  But you should know SOMETHING.  Play ONE GAME in your life that isn’t on stream, for money.  Why does everything have to be a first (and last) playthrough?  Why does everything have to be on easy mode?  Why do you have to be so terrible at every single game?  Why does your commentary have to be so god awful.  We get it.  X looks like Y.  What else do you have?  Background shit?  Who gives a fuck?

3:45 – “Look at the boat!”

This is what I’m talking about.  Mike just showed her how to play the game and then gave her the controller so that she can try and the first thing she does is point out something “cute” that we can all see.  Nobody gives a fuck.  Just play the game, you simpleton.

Then she gets hit by the very first enemy.  You can see Mike about to kill himself.

Why does he put up with this?  Why did he get involved in this?  What’s so irresistible about Erin?  There are a lot of average looking women out there.  WOMEN WITH JOBS.  Maybe he thinks that nobody would be interested in him.  Maybe he’s right.  I don’t know.

I mean, he has a fair amount of money.  Women like that.  But it’s from leeching off of an autistic man from Youtube.  He plays video games on Twitch for a living.  It’s not exactly a pantie dropper.

Still…there has to be somebody.  Or wouldn’t it be better to be alone?  What is Erin bringing to this relationship?  Nothing.  She’s a net loss.  She’s bleeding him dry with these monthly trips to Disneyland and no doubt the shower of gifts that he gives her.  She’s eating his food.  She’s humiliating him every day by association.  She’s making him promote her shitty channel, which brings down his reputation.  She’s making a complete fool of him.  Everyone can see that she’s using him for Youtube promotion.  And it’s failing hard.

4:00 – Back to the video.  Erin died almost immediately.  “I’m not doing good.”  Indeed.

This is a RIDICULOUSLY simple game.  You’re just falling down some endless underwater pit and you have to move left and right to avoid the enemies.  Mike made it to like 500 meters on his first attempt.  Erin got to 50 meters.

Then she tries again and gets to 136 meters.

Now she doesn’t want to play.  Two attempts is enough for her.  This is how she plays games.  She plays them for a few seconds, on stream, for money, and then she moves on with her pointless life.

5:30 – “Alright so I’m awful at this game.”

Nothing new there.

7:00 – “Alright so I don’t like this game.”

This is after like the fifth time that she died.  Mike made her keep playing it as he talked to the chat, even though she clearly did not want to play it.

7:30 – They’re playing “Metro Cube Vania” and Erin gets excited and says that she played this before.  It’s bullshit, of course.  Unless she did a stream that I’m not familiar with.

8:30 – Erin starts telling all of us noobs about the Amico.

8:45 – “I played Wii Sports with my parents.”

Sure you did, Erin.

9:30 – Erin: “Remember those Carl’s Jr commercials where it would be like Paris Hilton riding a mechanical bull and eating a burger?”

Mike: No.

Hey, Erin.  No Carl’s Jr on the “East Coast”.  You haven’t figured that out yet?  And here’s a time where you can legitimately say “the East Coast”.  You won’t find a Carl’s Jr anywhere from Florida to Maine.  They’re called Hardee’s East of the Mississippi.  And they’re nowhere near as popular as your precious Carl’s Jr in fabulous California.  It probably varies by region, actually, but I never ate at a fucking Hardee’s.  I only saw one in my life.  I saw zero Carl’s Jr’s.

And doesn’t she know about regional commercials?  Fuck.  It’s too stupid to get into.

“Oh yeah, because that’s a West Coast thing.”

What a buffoon.

10:00 – She keeps dying in the same spot because she’s bad at video games.

This is brutal.  She’s really, really, really bad at the game.

15:00 – Mike promotes Erin’s horrendous He-Man video.  That just bought him five minutes of butt sex tonight.

16:30 – Extended talk about children’s fruit snack Gushers.  And Mike doesn’t want any part of this stupid shit.

20:15 – “Oh, I like the colours!  I like that colour combo.  Like orange, yellow, pink.”

Come on.  Show me one person who’s interested in this sort of commentary.

22:00 – Bottom tier gamerplay from Erin.

26:30 – They’re playing a game similar to Frostbite on the Atari 2600 and Erin says that she feels bad because she can’t remember the name of this game “because I did a video of it.”

27:15 – After Mike plays the game for a bit, it’s Erin’s turn.  She dies almost immediately.  Fortunately, this game tells you how long you played for.  “Eight seconds.  How embarrassing.”

28:15 – “It’s been a while since I’ve played Frostbite.”

Yeah.  No shit.  Not since you made your Youtube video.

And this gameplay is UNBELIEVABLE.  She keeps jumping into the water for reasons that totally escape me.  She doesn’t know how the controls work.  And it’s just fucking using the d-pad.

33:00 – Erin is talking about modern games that look “retro” and the example she gives is Hollow Knight.  Mike looks confused.  Erin says, “I don’t know if you’d consider Hollow Knight to be retro.”  Mike says, “Yeah, I thought you meant Shovel Knight.”

That’s clearly what she meant but she doesn’t know the first fucking thing about video games because she doesn’t play them.  She can’t even give you the title of games that she made videos on.  It’s because she plays them for SECONDS, for the video, and then never again.

 Then Mike starts talking about Spectre Knight or something and Erin agrees that she likes that game better than Shovel Knight but “I never got far in it.”

How many seconds did you play that one for, Erin?

33:30 – “My carpal tunnel is a little bit better today, Geno.”

How stupid are these people?  Erin recently did a “talking” stream because her hands were too damaged from playing video games.  She plays video games about four hours a week, on stream, for money.  And that’s it.  In this stream, she claims that her hands were hurting because she was “editing too much.”  So not even from “gaming”.  Her hands got destroyed from editing that awful He-Man video.

I’ve been playing video games for like four or six hours a day for over 30 years.  I’ve had nothing but typing-intensive jobs for the past 15 years.  Absolutely no problems with my hands.  Not once.  I never felt any pain, discomfort, nothing like this.

Erin became completely crippled from playing games for four hours a week and editing a He-Man video.

People are different.  Carpal tunnel syndrome exists.  If this is an affliction that she’s suffering from, she should stop playing video games and editing videos.  That’s just common sense.  I enjoy video games as much as the next guy but if it’s a choice between video games and full use of my hands, I’ll take full use of my hands.  She just can’t resist the fame of being a Z-list fake gaming grrl and that sweet $100/month that comes with it.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with her hands.  She just claims to be always be sick and incompetent at everything to garner sympathy, the way a child does.

And while she’s saying all of this, Mike looks like he wants to be anywhere else.  He contributes nothing and just intensely focuses on this Frogger clone.

34:15 – They playing some Castlevania clone.  Erin says, “I wonder why I would find this appealing”.

Because you first played a Castlevania game two years ago, on stream, for money, and for a while you were so short on ideas that you ran this series into the ground with your boring as fuck streams.

35:00 – Horrendous, horrendous gameplay.

Show me ONE game that Erin is competent at.

36:00 – “So I love this.  It’s so much fun, Mike!”

It’s ridiculously unconvincing.  She’s TERRIBLE at the game.  Why would this be enjoyable?

Then there’s some kind of a “joke” about “beaver cheese”.  And Erin apparently doesn’t get it.  She’s either retarded or pretending to be retarded to garner some sympathy ala the carpal tunnel syndrome, allergies, bad back, et cetera.

Then they take a break.  That’s enough for me too.

I can’t understand how somebody can be this bad at video games, though.  Maybe she does have some kind of medical problem with her hands.  Or a vision problem.  Or a mental impairment.

edit: From 1:02:43 to 1:04:15, Erin repeatedly jumps on an enemy which is clearly invincible.  She never figures it out.  She keeps thinking that she’s doing something wrong.  She must have jumped on that guy 50 times.  Eventually, she just gives up, still not knowing what the problem was. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *