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  • NEWTrition Review: Pop rocks and booze – Newt Wallen

    He’s at AMC Theatres. This must one of his new jobs. He moved to the corporate cinema world as opposed to the independent cinemas.

    Oh, maybe he’s just there to see a movie. He says that he’s there with PVC Bondage Guy to see Abigail. I guess that’s the name.

    When I was a kid, I’d think, “How can old people be so out of touch? Don’t they care about Super Mario Bros and Nirvana and Pulp Fiction?”

    Then when I was in my mid to late 20s, I started tuning out of popular culture to be ironic and edgy.

    But slowly, you reach a point where you genuinely don’t give a shit about any of this. What do I care about the latest fucking monster movie? It will come and go and people will immediately move on the next thing. There’s no value in any of this.

    Still, I wish that I would have appreciated this trash at the time when maybe I still could have. Because now I don’t think that I can.

    0:30 – Newt makes a joke that he’s a homosexual and PVC Bondage Guy laughs. He is drinking a woman’s beverage.

    Anyway, he thinks that it’s too sweet. Great.

    That’s the video. Where do we go from here? Well, I’m sure that he some stuff on Twitter.

    Here’s a new one that Newt allegedly wrote and produced. Amityville Aliens. Sounds great, Ideas Man.

    Newt uses PVC Bondage Guy’s breasts to advertise his Patreon. No thanks to all of that.

    Oh, and he tweeted about OJ Simpson dying. Did I already talk about this? I intended to. Let me check the archives.

    I don’t think so. But yeah, as soon as I heard about OJ Simpson dying, I rushed to Newt’s Twitter to see if he’d write about it. Sure enough, this death-obsessed asshole did. Well, he didn’t write anything about it. That would have required effort. But he re-tweeted something about it.

    OJ Simpson stories…I’ve got nothing. I didn’t care and I still don’t care.

    I had some creepy teacher ask me if I thought he was guilty or not. This was at the time of the trial. I said that I don’t know. Even if I had an opinion, which I didn’t, I still would have said that I don’t know. I didn’t want to engage in any conversation.

    That same teacher rubbed my shoulders one time. Really weird. He was undoubtedly gay.

    What time am I waking up tomorrow? That’s not too bad.

    I have got to quit this job. I don’t want to fucking do this shit any more. I’ve contacted loads of clients basically telling them that I don’t want to do this any more and asking if they have any home-based work that I can do. I’m intentionally sabotaging my work hoping that they stop giving me work so that I can focus on finding a new job 100% of the time and the lack of work will motivate me to do it. I need some home-based work so that I can fucking move. I don’t want to stay in this country one more day. I expected to be out last month. I’m not even close to that. I have to move before it gets cold. The idea of spending another year here…I can’t do it.

    I see that Kieran got a new job. Good for him. Some fag on Reddit posted a clip from one of his streams where he talks about this. He says that the money is good and he doesn’t want to do streaming any more because it sucks dick and he only did it for the money.

    The homos there made out like this was some kind of revelation. Of course people are only streaming for money. Do you think they’re there because they want to talk to horny retards?

    Erin is eagerly logging into Twitch. “I hope that ShiShi makes some creepy comments about my outfit. And Games & Movies? I can’t wait to get some ‘*hugs*’ from that little scamp. And of course there’s Jose. He’s going to ask how I am today. I’ve got a good response today for that one: ‘I’m good, thanks.’”

    Maybe Newt should start streaming. I don’t think that he plays video games but he can just live stream his life.

  • Shaun of The Dead is Still Funny 20 Years Later! – Tony from Hack The Movies

    Oh, we’ve got a new “hot” chick. I’ve never seen her, anyway.

    You know what? She’s not actually holding herself out as a hot chick. Her link is just to her videography business. So let’s move on.

    What about Tom? Is he presenting himself as a hot guy? No. His link is also to some kind of video business.

    So we’ve got two real Youtube professionals here. Three, if we include Tony. Good for them. They’re getting in on that Youtube gravy train. Everybody wants to be on Youtube now. And they want professionals filming them.

    Let’s read the comments. Three minutes in and I’m already bored.

    Nothing. Seven minutes in and I’m closing my eyes.

    8:00 – They’re talking about British tv.

    Well, when am I going to get a chance to talk about British television again?

    I liked The Mighty Boosh. That was one of the first shows that I enjoyed when I moved to the UK. It’s…surreal zany shit. I haven’t seen it since it came out. I don’t remember much about it. There was a gorilla and a camp goth guy and just a guy with a moustache and they did wacky stuff. It must have been somewhat cerebral comedy or else I wouldn’t have liked it.

    Oh, that guy from the IT Crowd was in this. Yeah, I liked the IT Crowd too. That came later.

    I also enjoyed Bad Education. And Lead Balloon.

    I liked The Office. And Extras. And Life’s Too Short. These Ricky Gervais shows.

    Oh, and there was that travel show. An Idiot Abroad. Where did he even know Karl Pinkerton from? I used to listen to a podcast or something with them. I think that it was animated.

    Oh, I’ll tell you a great show. Eurotrash. A lot of nudity. They had Lola Ferrari in a lot of episodes, maybe all of them. Nude. Or at least topless. This is what I expected from British television. Let’s see some of that hardcore nudity that European television is known for.

    And you would see it. Not a lot but sometimes. Big Brother, for example, had nudity. Movies weren’t censored for nudity. They showed some Andy Warhol trilogy of Flesh, Trash, and Heat which has loands of nudity. I think that it’s all male, though. But Flesh is just some naked guy on a sofa for 90 minutes. They showed it uncensored in the middle of the day.

    But by 2010, it all seemed to change. This was also around the time when The Sun stopped having topless women on page 3.

    If they’re still showing nudity on British television, I don’t know about it. I only watch tv if I’m in a hotel and I haven’t seen any nudity. Not since about 2010, I’d say. And I last had a television in…2013 or something.

    I remember as a kid going to my mother’s home country and there was a big fucking billboard of a woman with her tits out and I think a baby. It must have been an ad for breastfeeding or baby food or something. But I thought about that billboard for years after that.

    But unfortuntely, the UK seems to have become much more puritanical just within the time that I’ve been here. And I don’t think that the UK was ever particularly progressive in terms of nudity and whatnot, relative to the rest of Europe. But it wasn’t as repressed as the US.

    Well, I made it to 36 minutes. There was absolutely nothing worth talking about. But at least I was able to talk about some British television and the decline of nudity on the medium.

  • *Variety Post*

    I’ve seen a few things lately that I wanted to discuss.

    First, this lunatic on Reddit:

    https://new.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/1c998ko/i_volunteer_for_an_organization_that_provides_a

    So she made a lasagna for an impovershed woman as part of some charity. The impoverished woman, who’s pregnant, by the way, asked if she can also pick up some bagels for her from the shop. The woman who prepared the lasagna didn’t deliver the food, as promised, and then reported this impoverished pregnant woman to some manager.

    The people in the comments talk about what a hero this psychotic woman is.

    Lady, if you don’t want to get the bagels, don’t get the bagels. But deliver the fucking food.

    I’m familiar with similar programs in the UK that deliver food to the elderly and impoverished. Doing a little shopping for them is part of it. Talking to them is part of it. It’s about treating vulnerable people with dignity.

    But this dumb bitch just wanted the kudos. “Fuck this pregnant poor woman. She should be kissing my ass that I made this fucking lasagna for her.” Like it’s Oliver Twist.

    This is what charity is about. It’s about scumbags wanting praise. Oh, this impoverished woman didn’t heap enough praise on you. What a terrible thing. You mean that impoverished people don’t have the social and language skills to navigate every social situation? What a shock.

    If you can’t deal with the fact that impoverished people aren’t going to say “please” and “thank you” and give you a rimjob, don’t fucking deal with them. Do something else with your time.

    And I read on other threads that it’s common to supply food besides the lasagna in this charity thing. Bread, side dishes, desserts, whatever. So this woman wasn’t asking for anything outrageous.

    What fucking charity is having people deliver homebaked goods to vulnerable people anyway? These non-vetted volunteers could be putting rat poison in their lasagna. Or forget about intentional poisoning, maybe they’re bad cooks. Maybe they’re not cooking the food long enough and it causes the person to get food poisoning. Maybe somebody has a food allergy. Isn’t this a massive liability?

    Looking at her post history, this bitch seems to live around Atlanta and has three children. So she’s some dumb redneck.

    Ironically, she’s exposing herself as the person who doesn’t know how to deal with social situations.

    What a sad situation that this is how people have to live in the US. You have to beg for fucking food from some horribly run charity where the people make the food IN THEIR OWN HOME. You just have to hope that the person isn’t loading your food with cyanide. And that they actually deliver the food, untainted, as promised. And then you have to say “please” and “thank you” and be on your best behaviour while this woman drops food on the ground outside your house like you’re a fucking animal. Can’t even hand it to you like a human being. “Contactless” delivery for vulnerable people who might have nobody to speak to.

    There were some people in the comments who called this bitch out but you have to scroll all the way to the bottom because they got downvoted to shit. But they were 100% right. Fuck this entitled redneck and her god complex.

    Moving on.

    https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2024/apr/22/manchester-women-filmed-by-voyeurs-and-stalked-online

    This is one of the most insane articles I’ve ever read. Women go around town dressed like literal whores and are then shocked when guys film them.

    At first I just read the title. And I thought, “Well, that’s not right. You shouldn’t be filming people like some creep.”

    Then I saw the pictures of these women. The pictures used in the actual article. They’re CLEARLY dressed like whores. I don’t mean that they’re wearing a low-cut top. These are prostitute outfits. The one woman is wearing some kind of bustier that completely exposes the centre of her torso all the way down. The whore next to her is wearing a strapless bra.

    They’re going out in public like this and then they’re shocked when people take videos of them and post them online. It’s not the sort of thing you see every day, is it? You don’t typically see whores walking around.

    These whores complain that people post the videos online and then ask if it’s them.

    Well, it’s easy to find these women’s social media presence. They give their names in the article. Here’s one of them:

    FULL of videos of her, dressed like a prostitute, in public, with other women who are dressed like prostitutes. But she finds something offensive when other people take a video of her doing this exact same thing.

    It doesn’t make any fucking sense. She’s clearly dressing like this for attention. You don’t want to be filmed, don’t dress like a prostitute.

    She’s also on Instagram. It’s private. She also sells her used clothes here:

    https://www.depop.com/phoebecollin1

    “Sexy” pictures of her in every outfit. The prices are surprisingly reasonable. Only £7 for one of her used bras. I’m not seeing any panties.

    Let’s see if I can find her friend Butterface. Actually, I can’t even say that. Her body is nothing to look at either.

    https://www.instagram.com/fitwithmaddiie

    Maybe this is her? I don’t know. It’s just a bunch of pictures of her in the gym showing her ass off.

    “Come on, guys. Stop taking videos of us. We’re just trying to walk down the street dressed like prostitutes in peace.”

    https://www.depop.com/maddielaing1

    Oh, she sells her used whore outfits as well. Only ten pounds for her bikini top and bottom.

    You have to assume that they’re on OnlyFans.

    Finally, let’s end on a high. Batteries. I bought two packs of Duracell batteries like a year ago. Maybe two years ago. AA. I set them on a little table, reasonable temperature year-round.

    So I go get them because I needed batteries and they’re all fucking corroded and slightly bloated. They were in the original packaging. Never opened. It was just cardboard packaging but that’s how they were sold. Had to throw them all out. They wouldn’t work. Some of them didn’t even fit in the compartment because they were swollen.

    So I go get batteries that I stole from work like 15 years ago. No way that these are going to work but I was desperate. Put them in, turns on, bright as day, no problem. As good as the day they were manufactured.

    Varta is the brand. Made in Germany. You can get 40 of them for £15. I probably spent £10 for these four Duracell batteries that went bad within two years.

    The Varta batteries were wrapped in plastic shrink wrap. Could that have been the difference?

    Anyway, I was thinking for “preppers” or whatever, Varta is the brand you want. Fuck Duracell. Or maybe it was Energizer. But it was one of the two big battery providers. It was one of those batteries that you can check the charge on by pressing down on them. But I wouldn’t recommend that for these particular batteries because they were leaking acid and ready to explode.

    These Varta batteries were just fucking cheap batteries from a company that nobody’s ever heard of. They lasted 15 years. And who knows how old they were when I stole them? I have loads of them. I never have to buy a battery again.

    The more I think of it, it was closer to 20 years that I got these batteries.

    Anyway, I found it fascinating.

  • NJ HORROR CON DAY 1 – Newt Wallen

    0:30 – PVC Bondage Guy says that she’s Ukrainian and Italian. Uh huh.

    I never got into any of that shit. And I’m actually a citizen of a European country. My mother is an immigrant. But I never said, “Hey, look at me, I’m Mr Europe over here. Ooh la la. Look at how sophisticated I am.”

    I was in America. I was born there. I sounded American. There’s no reason why anybody would think that I wasn’t American. You’d be a complete buffoon to believe that I wasn’t.

    But when people would find out that my mother wasn’t an Amercain there was a hint that they thought that I wasn’t quite as American as they were. I had a Spanish professor straight up tell me that I’m a foreigner when she found this information out.

    Are you out of your mind? Somebody who was born and raised in a country is that nationality. If I went to my mother’s home country, nobody would say, “Oh, welcome fellow countryman.” They’d say, “This guy doesn’t speak a word of the language. He doesn’t know anything about the country. Hello, Mr Foreign Man.”

    It’s ridiculous.

    In the UK, I’d always get questions about America. “What are you doing here, Mr American Man?” They wouldn’t say, “What are you doing here, Mr European Man?” Or, “What are you doing here, fellow British citizen.” It was always American.

    But I’ve been here long enough that my accent has changed and people now assume that I’m Irish. So that’s great. I can field all of your questions about Ireland, a place that I spent four weeks of my life in.

    So anyway, then Newt makes a comment about Italians, a reference to Tony from Hack the Movies, another fake Italian.

    I know that I just went on and on about this but why not…what do these people even know about Italy or Ukraine or whatever? Who gives a shit where your grandparents or great grandparents are from? You’re living in rural Pennysylvania. Why not proudly represent that?

    Nobody looks at PVC Bondage Guy and says, “Look at that crazy Ukrainian woman.” They say, “Look at that crazy fucking fat Pennsylvania woman. Stop eating so many of those giant pretzels that are popular in Pennsylvania.”

    I’m telling you 100% that people in Ukraine or Italy or whatever don’t give the slightest of fucks about you. They’re insulted that you’re trying to associate yourself with their country. So fuck them.

    I get that America is a shit country. You don’t want to be associated with it. But it’s the reality. And it’s not your fault that it’s a shit country. It’s the guys at the top aggressively fucking you over.

    I had a government teacher in high school, who I believe was from the South, give a lecture about the greatness of American democracy. And he said, “If you don’t like the country, who’s fault is it? It’s yours. Because we have the right to vote.”

    This is an educator? Does he honestly believe that these elections are remotely valid? Which one of these rich white men in suits represent my interests? Where’s the candidate adocating for the equitable redistribution of the wealth? All of the candidates are focused on redistribution of the wealth upwards. I don’t want that. What’s going on here?

    Fucking scumbag. Even as a non-savy 10th grader, I thought, “This is a remarkably naive lesson.” And I remember it to this day as an example of the total buffoons teaching in American schools.

    In any event, even though the US is a shit country, the average American on the street is a good person. Not pieces of shit like Newt or PVC Bondage Guy but the average American. And that’s something to be proud of. Hospitality. Open-mindedness. Giving people a chance. These are admirable American qualities. You don’t have to go to look to some foreign country to get a sense of identity. You have it. You’re an American. It means something.

    3:00 – Newt is talking about going to Allentown, Pennsylvania, one of the most well-known working-class cities in the country. Why not be proud of that? That’s something real. Your Italian identity is fake.

    3:45 – PVC Bondage Guy takes her filthy socks off and crosses her chubby legs. Hot. Right? No. Not hot.

    Oh, and Newt is telling a story about a place called Jugtown. He finds this really funny. Get it? Breasts. Fucking cretin.

    4:30 – They tell a story and I couldn’t understand ONE WORD. What the fuck was being said? Did I suddenly lose my mind? Did they stop speaking English? Did they slip into Ukrainian?

    6:45 – Newt says that Fallon didn’t want to share the booth at this nerd convention with him so he just let her have it. What? He needs to find more caring prostitutes to pay to hang out with him.

    And you’re the one paying. When you pay, you call the shots. Not the whore. That’s not how this works. The customer is always right. That’s another proud American tradition.

    7:00 – Newt is listing the big time celebrities who had booths. There was some guy who played Jason, Dr Chud, some woman who was in something called Sleepaway Camp. All of the big stars.

    And Newt was also a guest at this convention. “Come see Newt Wallen: World Famous Plagiarist.”

    8:15 – Newt met some people at this nerd convention who he went to school with. Oh, great. Maybe we’ll get some stories about all of the hot buttsex that he had with them.

    9:00 – Shoutout to, “The Redhead”. What about “horse head” as your new euphamism?

    Then Newt says that PVC Bondage Guy made some “new friends” at the nerd convention. This will undoubtedly involve sexual degeneracy.

    Oh, there was somebody who makes fangs. She implies that she had sex with him. Then Newt mentions “the wrestler guy”. Jason Knight. You guys all know Jason Knight, right? PVC Bondage Guy, who only started watching wrestling about nine months ago, refers to him as an “ECW original.” Oh. Yeah. That guy.

    She says that wants to be on the ring crew for this guy’s indy promotion. PVC Bondage Guy is really into the professional wrestling.

    I don’t know how seriously she’s taking the training. But the body building isn’t there. Not even close.

    She should have a strict regime of what she eats, how much she works out, whatever. Not eating a deep fried chicken the size of your head and then finishing it off with a gallon of Coke and an entire pizza.

    When I worked out, I was around PVC Bondage Guy’s age, and it was hours a day, every day. Just sitting in my room lifting dumbbells. Boring as fuck, of course. But this is the mentality that you need to have to see any results. And I wasn’t even trying to be a wrestler. I was trying to get a job with the police but that’s a whole other story.

    As for eating right, you need the same level of discipline. Nobody wants to eat chicken breast every day but are you serious about being a wrestler or aren’t you?

    10:30 – Newt was in TGIFridays with this big time wrestler and took a selfie with him. He sent the picture to 8Bit Eric, who is one of the guys who Newt sent a picture of his penis to (along with Joe from Game Sack). 8Bit Eric got sexually excited to see Newt with this big muscly wrestler.

    Did PVC Bondage Guy have sex with the wrestler? I mean…you have to assume so. It seems to be her go-to response whenever she meets somebody.

    11:00 – Newt says, “Now I’m the cool one. I’m not in a Game Sack video or the Game Chasers.”

    Newt wants to be in a video with his homosexual long-distance boyfriend Joe from Game Sack. But Joe from Game Sack doesn’t even have guests on the show. Well, maybe he’ll make an exception for his boyfriend Newt.

    12:45 – PVC Bondage Guy says that she did her makeup in only ten minutes. You don’t say. That magnificent makeup job only took ten minutes?

    14:15 – Newt is talking about his “ex” Christie, who was in the Miss New Jersey pageant. Oh, tell us more, Newt. Are you going to talk about how you fucked her in the ass some more?

    15:30 – PVC Bondage Guy was wearing shorts, a tube top, and fishnet stockings. Fucking look at her. I mean…I know she reads the blog. I don’t want to be insulting. I really don’t. But PVC Bondage Guy, Metz, whatever you want to call yourself, you are overweight. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that. But there’s a way for fat chicks to dress sexy. Taking shit off isn’t it. Look at what the fat goths are doing. Do that. You fucking had the look down back when you were wearing your PVC bondage outfits. The clothes should be coming on, not off.

    19:45 – One of the people Newt was with at Applebees asked if he’s “The plagiarising guy”. Yeah. That’s him alright. Big plagiariser over here.

    God. If only that was Newt’s biggest problem. Newt should embrace the plagiarism. It distracts from the litany of other disgusting traits that he has.

    But this woan apparently said that the whole thing was “BS”. Yeah. No. You’re a plagiariser, Newt. Just admit it. It’s not the end of the world. The problem arises because you don’t fucking admit what you did. You plagiarised 20 fucking scripts from Monster Madness. Wholesale. Not even subtle. It’s nobody’s fault but your own. Just admit it and move on.

    This woman apparently also dislikes Tony from Hack the Movies and possibly James Rolfe. Yeah. You’re a great person, Newt. Everybody loves you and everybody hates the same people who you hate. The plagiarism is all somebody else’s fault.

    They’re still talking about Applebees. I wonder what PVC Bondage Guy ordered from Applebees. The neighborhood nachos, southwest chicken bowl, an entire rack of double glazed baby back ribs, and for dessert a bowl of cinnabons? And to drink, an industrial-sized bucket of sangria?

    23:30 – Newt says that he fell asleep while driving and almost died. Huh. What an asshole.

    And that’s how the video ends. With Newt almost killing multiple people.

    A couple of pieces of shit right here.

  • My Horse Prince – Angry Video Game Nerd – Cinemassacre

    0:15 – But first a word from our sponsor: that same fucking VPN.

    1:30 – That’s some hair, Jimmy.

    When I was a kid, I had a band teacher. This was the late 1980s. And he had a really obvious combover. He had absolutely nothing on top but he would grow the side long and just comb it over.

    Even in the 1980s, this was something to be ridiculed. It was unusual. People weren’t really shaving their heads at that time but if you were bald, you were just bald. You’d keep your hair short.

    I don’t think that people really do combovers anymore. Except for James Rolfe. Toupes are another thing that you don’t see any more.

    If James wants to tackle balding in a retro fashion, why not bring toupes back? I think that’s a better option than the combover. Or put a clown wig on. I don’t give a shit. But what he’s doing here is really, really bad. And he’s been doing this for years.

    1:45 – James is pretending to not know what a smart phone is.

    So he’s going to play this…mobile game.

    3:00 – What am I looking at? Why is this happening? It’s like footage that James is taking of himself on his phone and he’s pretending to be “angry”. Badly. He’s a terrible actor.

    3:45 – And now more of this uncomfortable, extreme closeup of Jimmy on his phone camera. And they’re reviewing a game that’s obviously a joke. James, or whoever wrote this, knows that the game is a joke, right? They’re making fun of things that are obviously intended to be funny. It doesn’t work.

    It’s like reviewing a Three Stooges short and saying, “Can you believe how stupid Curly is? He got hit in the head with that piece of lumber three times. What an idiot!”.

    No. That’s the joke. All you’re doing is pointing out the joke.

    4:30 – There’s a lame, unfunny call back to that video from many years ago where Mike dressed up as Bugs Bunny. But of course Mike doesn’t appear. That would have required some effort. It’s all text. Unfunny text. And we get an extreme closeup of bald fucking James Rolfe throughout as he gets increasingly “angry”.

    6:00 – I don’t even know what’s happening any more. James is crying for some reason. In extreme closeup form. I think that my mind has shut down as a defence mechanism.

    I have to turn this off. I’m sorry. All this is is James reciting lines from some complete imbecile who doesn’t seem to understand that the game is a joke. And it’s all done with these extreme closeups. I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to listen to it. I don’t want to smell it. I don’t want to taste it. What’s the other one…oh, I don’t want to touch it. This is just total trash.

    So I wrote all of that a couple of days ago. Shortly after the video came out. But I thought, “I’ll try to watch the rest of it tomorrow.” So…let’s try to do that.

    7:15 – You can get more…something…in this game if you watch an ad. Then there’s just an awkward phone camera closeup of bald James that lingers for a long time and then he says, “Good time to take a shit.” It barely even qualifies as a joke. Why did they…let’s move on.

    9:00 – Then there’s just more…awkward non-jokes from bald James. He says, “okay”, for example. Just…a closeup of bald James and he says “okay.”

    10:00 – “The horse is shoving the green onions down my fucking throat.” And bald James pretends to find this hysterical.

    Did the person who wrote this script understand that all of this dialogue is SUPPOSED to be funny? All he’s doing is laughing at the jokes. And it’s fake laughing. And the jokes in this game AREN’T funny.

    I have to stop. This is 20 minutes and I’m only halfway done. This is fucking atrocious. It’s just extreme closeups of bald James pretending to laugh at this game that’s INTENTIONALLY funny. “Ha! Look at how stupid this line of dialogue is!” IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE STUPID, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

    Even the highly-scrubbed Youtube comments are full of vitriol. And I don’t think that they’re the fags from Reddit.

    I’m reminded of that James & Mike video where they played Goat Simulator. James found absolutely everything about the game to be hysterical and Mike played along, humouring James. But Ryan, this was back when Ryan was a man, sat there stone-faced. Ryan represented the viewer. There was absolutely nothing funny about this game but it was INTENDED to be funny. So laughing at it is just…I mean, I find it hard to believe that a grown man would find a goat jumping on a trampoline to be funny but James was in stitches. That doesn’t make me, the viewer, laugh. That makes me think, “What’s wrong with this guy? Is he retarded? Oh…”

    But even if you find the intentionally funny stuff in the game to be funny, and it is funny…I mean…who cares? Where’s the substance? This is just like filming the audience in a comedy club. Okay. They’re laughing at the jokes. Who cares? That’s not noteworthy.

    There’s nothing remotely interesting in watching people laugh at something that’s intended to be funny. That’s what this video was. And it was all fake. James wasn’t actually finding any of this funny. He didn’t even know what he was looking at. He was just filming random scenes with his terrible acting, not even knowing what the game footage would look like that was being spliced in. And the game footage was all done by some intern.

    Who actually got credit for this? Directed and written by James Rolfe. Uh huh. Sure it was. Edited by Sean O’Rourke. That faggot from Reddit who banned me. Gameplay by James. Yeah. No chance.

    At least Mike isn’t credited in any of this. Even if Mike was involved in this, which I suspect he wasn’t because this isn’t a game that he streamed recently, surely Mike is savy enough to say, “Don’t put my name in the credits for this one.”

    This was fucking awful. Has to be the worst AVGN episode ever.

    I don’t even have a problem with him reviewing mobile games, like a lot of the nerds in the comments seem to have. He can review whatever the fuck he wants. Make any kind of video you want to make. Just make sure that it’s GOOD. What’s so hard about that? You can review toupes or penis pumps or whatever you want. I don’t care. Just make the videos fucking watchable. Is that asking too much?

  • Ghostbusters 1980’s Breakfast Cereal – IRATE THE 80’S – Irate Gamer

    0:00 – Hey guys! Remember Ghostbusters?

    Yeah. I guess. I never saw the movie until I was probably in my 20s or 30s. I watched the Saturday morning cartoon. I had the action figures. I didn’t particularly like either of those things but…I watched and I had the figures.

    So let’s check it out. I never had the cereal. I never had any of these shit cereals. They’re by Ralston or something. It’s a dogfood company. I’m not eating dogfood cereal.

    I suppose that there is a pretty obvious crossover. Dry dog food is similar to a lot of these cereals. Take out the sugar from the cereal and it’s probably almost identical to the dog food.

    I had a few Milk Bones as a kid. Those were actually pretty good. I could go for some. Do they still make them?

    They do but Smuckers owns them now. I don’t want the company who sells jam to also sell dog food.

    I wouldn’t try any of the meat-based dog snacks, of course. But maybe I’m missing out. Who knows?

    0:00 – “Irate Gamer is now on PATREON!”

    Uh huh. Not interested, Chris BORES.

    0:15 – He’s playing with his Ghostbusters toys. This reminds me that this is what he actually does as one of his “jobs”. He’s a “ghost hunter.” He goes to all of the Akron, Ohio news outlets every Halloween to show them how it’s done. He has a bunch of stupid gadgets that he got. I remember one video where a piece of paper fell and he cited that as proof that a ghost was there. Well, a ghost or gravity.

    Couldn’t he shave for this video? Not just his face but I mean everything. I want to see a completely hairless Chris Bores, nude, talking about a children’s cereal from 40 years ago.

    1:15 – “I can’t wait to bust into this, pun intended.”

    Umm…was the gross sexual pun also intended?

    I want to see naked, hairless Chris BORES nutting into this old box of cereal.

    1:45 – Chris BORES refuses to eat any of it. Well, what’s the point then? Even if he did eat it, what’s the point?

    3:00 – Then he “busts” into a box of Ghostbusters II cereal. Who cares? This is pointless. It’s going to look like old, shitty cereal. We get it.

    3:30 – He pretends that he didn’t know that there was a record in this box. He obviously planted it there. It was something that came with the cereal. A prize. So he goes to see if it plays. It’s a little flimsy thing.

    4:00 – Then there’s a callback to the AWFUL Cameo era of Irate Gamer where he would pay for Cameo’s of Z list celebrities, give them something to read, and then (poorly) integrate it into the video.

    So the record is for some sweepstakes. They ask three questions. Then you’re supposed to put the answers on a postcard and mail it in.

    Chris BORES is disappointed and confused that the answers aren’t on the record. WHAT WOULD THE POINT OF THAT BE? It’s a contest, you fucking retard.

    5:30 – He’s going to taste one of these cereal pieces. Oh great.

    The he pretends to die. Then a ghost Chris BORES comes out of his chest.

    That’s the video. Completely and utterly pointless.

    Speaking of busting, whatever happened to bukkake porn? Do they still make it?

    I saw one where a bunch of dudes came into a frying pan and a woman made pancakes with them. She must have added some pancake batter. But then this woman fed this cum pancake to a really reluctant woman.

    I saw another one where Teri Weigel, who was some hot chick who was in Playboy and there was a mini scandal when she started doing hardcore porn, did a bukkake with some fucking crack addict. But you didn’t get to nut on Teri Weigel. Teri Weigel was just there to hold this crack addict’s head and do a little dirty talk to encourage the guys to shoot their loads.

    But how degrading is this? I know that it’s a bukkake, the idea is to be degrading. But to be so unattractive that they have to hire a hot chick to just stand behind you so that these guys can cum. It’s no way to make a living.

  • Two AWESOME Arcades in Tokyo! – Mad Panic Gaming aka Kid Shoryuken

    1:30 – He talks about the massage parlours in this…mall, or whatever this is. He shows footage of prostitutes somewhat aggressively approaching him in the mall. He makes a joke that if you come to this arcade you might have to, “Turn down the massages, or accept the massages, that’s totally up to you.”

    You know this guy went for a massage. He’s not exactly subtle about the fact that he consorts with prostitutes. Not just Destiny Fomo but generally.

    I left a comment during covid something about if the brothels are still open. And he responded jokingly saying that he wouldn’t know anything about that because he’s a good boy. But he was obviously being sarcastic.

    This is what he does. He goes to prostitutes. It’s obvious.

    Then there was that creepy as fuck video where he was with some like 21 year old Japanese guy who looked very feminine and didn’t seem to speak English. And “Kid” Shoryuken was extremely chummy with this guy. This really feminine Japanese guy.

    Then there’s footage of this giant loser in an arcade playing old games. Why is this even a business? You can play all of this shit for free at home. And these are old games.

    5:15 – He talks about mahjong games where you strip the clothes off of a woman after you win. It’s always perversion with this guy.

    And he shows footage of some other no doubt perverted American guy who he presumably goes whore mongering with.

    I don’t expect him to hang out with Japanese people. Because that’s not really what happens. Not in my experience, anyway. You don’t really hang out with the locals when you move abroad. You tend to hang out with other immigrants. Your mileage may vary but this is my experience in the UK and there’s not even a language barrier.

    Nevertheless, I never hung out with any Americans. Well, I met a couple, I guess, but it wasn’t a usual thing. If an American enclave exists in London, I was kept out of it. Same in Scotland.

    But “Kid” Shoryuken seems to be hanging out with Americans, when he’s not hanging out with prostitutes. Oh, but he also hangs out with American prostitutes like Madam Fomo.

    I think that it’s normal to find a group of Americans when you’re living abroad. You hear about this sort of thing. But I don’t know. I just never sought them out in the UK. And there’s no real need to because there’s no language barrier. I don’t need somebody to help me find a low-paying cleaning job or translate a lease or anything like this. So there’s no need to rely on the immigrant community.

    This isn’t exclusive to Americans of course. Polish people will find other Polish immigrants. Chinese people will find other Chinese immigrants. Jamaican immigrants will find other Jamaican immigrants. But I don’t know. I eschewed the American immigrant community, if indeed it even exists in the UK.

    5:45 – Now he’s at a different arcade and expresing his disappointment that there weren’t massage parlors here. He says that typically in the basement, you would expect to see massage parlors. He’s really speaking from experience.

    He should do videos on whore mongering. Why not? He seems like a real expert and I know that there would be a huge market for this. Tell us where the good brothels are, massage parlours, soap…whatever it is. People want to know this shit. Even if they’re not going to Japan, you could still make interesting videos about it.

    8:15 – “Lot’s of cigarrette smoke, lots of massage women.”

    He can’t get over this. This is all that he does. He spends every penny that he earns in these shitty teaching jobs on whores.

    • “Is prostitution legal or tolerated in Japan?”

    Mad Panic Gaming responds. Of course he does. This is his area of expertise. “To a certain extent. As I understand it, the services offered at these massage parlors is legal if somewhat frowned upon, but sex in exchange for money is illegal.”

    • “Another great one!!! Was really surprised at the massage parlors, those girls almost dragged you in by the neck I was under the impression that those “services” were only offered to Japanese men”

    Mad Panic Gaming replies, “Pretty sure they’re offered to whoever looks like they’ve got a few bucks in their pocket loi”

    So that’s you? You look like a fucking hobo in this video. They’re approaching you because you look like the kind of fat, lonely loser who goes to prostitutes. And they’re right.

    Many years ago, I was waiting outside of an underground train station for my girlfriend. There were a bunch of brothers out there. I reluctantly stood by one of them. I had to wait because my girlfriend, a black woman, was perpetually late, as black people tend to be. But woe betide if you mention to her that her chronic lateness might be an example of a racial stereotype that’s true. “My mother was never late in her life.” I should be dating your mother then.

    So anyway, this urban gentleman approaches me and says, “Do you party?” I was looking at my phone and didn’t even hear what he said so I just “yeah” and waved him off. He says, “You do?” So I look up and see that there’s a bunch of fucking drug dealers around me and I walk away.

    Like five police officers were just standing and watching these guys about 30 feet away. Doing nothing. The police knew what these guys were doing. Nobody cares.

    So I’m wandering the streets, I can’t wait at this train station to meet my girlfriend because there’s no fucking place to stand that isn’t crawling with drug dealers. I call my girlfriend and I give her the business about her being fucking chronically late and that this train station is full of drug dealers and that I’m going to fucking leave if she doesn’t get here in two minutes.

    Just then, another guy approaches me and asks if I want to buy drugs. A white guy this time. I decline.

    She finally arrives and I’m going on about how she needs to fucking show up on time and I’m sick of this shit, it’s insulting, you’re wasting my time, and on this occasion, I had to deal with all of these fucking drug dealers as a result. She gave her usual excuse, promised to be more prompt next time, and never followed through.

    Then she says, “Nobody has ever approached me and offered to sell me drugs.” I said, “Yeah, because you look like a fucking square.” She thought about it for a second and then said, “I take that as a compliment. It means that I don’t look like a druggie.” Yeah, whatever. “Druggie”.

  • Is Parenthood Challenging? – Zap Cristal

    The triumphant return of the…what’s this called? Oh, Reset n’ (sic) Zap Podcast!

    That was a scary six weeks. I thought that it was gone forever.

    She’s going to talk about parenthood. Mother of the Year over here who makes her 12 year old son take “sexy” videos of her for Youtube. The woman who marries every black woman who pays her the tiniest bit of attention. That kid wakes up every day and says, “Who’s my black father today, Mom?”

    They’re mixing it up. New format. They have a guest. It’s VG Mobster. You might remember him from this CREEPY AS FUCK video:

    They also changed the lighting and the camera angle. Gone are the painful shots of Zap’s fat cunt. And they have blue lighting to further dull the pain of looking at Zap.

    Oh wait. This woman is “too hot to be an influencer”. I must be mistaken to think that she’s anything other than a smokeshow (shoutout to Kris Glavin).

    0:45 – VGMobster literally tips his fedora.

    1:30 – Zap says, “We’re all from the East Coast.”

    Umm…Puerto Rico is part of “the East Coast”? What is she talking about? I thought that Erin was stretching the definition of “The East Coast” by claiming that Pennsylvania is on the “The East Coast”. She used to say it constantly. But Puerto Rico? No chance. I’m firmly rejecting the inclusion of Puerto Rico as part of “The East Coast.”

    Mr Wright Way II suggests that New York and New Jersey are “representing.” So Zap must claim to be from one of those states.

    2:15 – VGMobster tips his fedora for literally at least the third time. We get it. You’re a fat fucking nerd. You don’t have to keep doing this.

    I went to a “trendy” vegan restaurant with a girlfriend. Believe me, this was not my idea. She’s a vegetarian. And there was some faggot with some woman twice his age and he was wearing a fedora. In the restaurant. While eating. It was an Asian restaurant and I’m pretty sure that he was using chopsticks.

    Why go through life like this? What are you getting out of it? Some old MILF pussy? You can get the MILF pussy and NOT be a giant awkward nerd. Surely, you’d get MORE MILF pussy if you weren’t a giant fucking nerd. I don’t get it.

    2:45 – She’s laying down her plans for today’s podcast. They’re going to talk about parenting and then they’re going to talk about which fictional world they would want to live in.

    Gee, there’s a topic that hasn’t been done a billion times before.

    3:45 – Zap says that they’re all parents. Is that right? Does Mr Wright Way II have children of his own or is she talking about her own child that Mr Wright Way II is “raising” at the moment? Does he have children that we don’t know about and he isn’t involved with, perhaps back in…where ever he’s from. Maryland or something.

    If they’re talking about Zap’s unfortuante son, I don’t think that Mr Wright Way II should start waxing idiotic about the joys of fatherhood. The kid barely knows Mr Wright Way II. He’s been around for like a year.

    Here’s what I’d do if I was Mr Wright Way II. I’d go to Zap Jr and and say, “Look, I know it’s weird that I moved in right after Mr Wright Way left. You don’t have to call me ‘Dad’ or anything stupid like that. You can just call me Mr Wright Way II. I’ll be courteous to you and I just ask that you be courteous to me.”

    Done. It’s the same philosophy that I have for, whatever, people who work at the train station or the grocery store or whatever. I certainly wouldn’t walk in and say, “Hey, here’s my 15 point plan on how we’re going to raise you.. No, just let him do his thing. That poor kid has been through enough without Dad #5 trying to lay the law down.

    4:00 – “How does it feel to be a parent in 2024?”

    That’s Zap’s first question. She comes up with the absolute WORST, LAMEST, MOST BORING questions on earth.

    “What are the challenges you face when it comes to parenthood.”

    That’s remarkably close to her question in the Q&A video, “What are the challenges you face within your niche?”

    Why is she so interested in challenges?

    4:15 – It just dawned on me. Can you believe that this fat fedora guy has children? You see stuff like this and you think, “What excuse does anyone else have?”

    People talk about how hard it is to get a girlfriend. It’s not. These people are talking about hot chicks. It’s tough to get a hot chick as a girlfriend, I’ll concede that. But how many fat, single mothers are out there? Loads. If you drop your standards, you’ll find somebody.

    Fedora Fag says that his children make him a better person and “force me to grow.” Why don’t they force you to take that fucking hat off? You’re bald. I get it. But…can you at least wear a baseball cap? You’re not fooling anyone with the fucking fedora. This isn’t a fashion statement. It’s a “Don’t look at my bald scalp” statement.

    The loud music still plays over all of this. It’s annoying as fuck. “WAA WAA WAA! WAA WAA WAA”. This isn’t what I want to hear.

    11:45 – Zap says that she had her son when she was 18. Oh, she has more than one son, apparently. He’s 15. Wait a minute. 18 plus 15…33…no chance. This woman looks this rough at 33?

    And how many times has she been married already? Like five husbands at 33.

    16:30 – Mr Wright Way II says that he’s been a step father to “a lot of children.”

    Maybe get your shit together and stop going from one relationship to another, fucking up people’s lives as you go.

    17:00 – Mr Wright Way II says that his father is Nigerian and wasn’t around when he was a kid. You don’t say. An absent black father? Give me a moment to compose myself.

    And then you have Mr Wright Way II continuing this by going from woman to woman to woman. And dumbass Zap Cristal is thinking, “But he’s going to stay with me!”

    18:30 – What a bombshell. Mr Wright Way II says that Zap Cristal is pregnant. Fucking unbelievable. SHE BARELY KNOWS THIS GUY! It’s just a random black dude who paid her a bit of attention. He’ll be gone before the child is born.

    19:00 – Zap calls her unborn child her “rainbow kid.” What? It has something to do with her having a miscarriage previously. What…how…where does the “rainbow” come from?

    I thought that she was making some racist comment about the child being mixed race.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_baby

    A rainbow baby is a term for a child born to a family that has previously lost one or more children due to stillbirth, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, termination for medical reasons, or death during infancy.[1] These subsequent pregnancies can bring “strong feelings of anxiety, guilt, and even fear” but also “immense joy, reflection, healing, and mixed emotions”. The term “rainbow” is symbolic of the hope brought by the child after the emotional storm of the previous loss.

    Oh. Please let’s nobody ever use that term.

    21:00 – “What is our current challenge?”

    GETTING A JOB! I don’t think that either of them work.

    I’m turning this off. I can’t take this “WAA WAA WAA! WAA WAA WAA” any more.

    Erin Moran apparently made comments that Scott Baio has a small penis. And I was reading comments on Youtube about this and somebody said something like, “If I was Scott Baio, I’d say, ‘At least I’m alive.’” Erin Moran died a few years ago. But I found it hillarious. Not her death, but this bizarre comment.

  • Kari: The Female JOHN RIGGS

    I got recommended a new gamer girl by the Youtube algorithm. They’re dead on with this one. It’s a 21 year old Australian woman who was shown one of John Riggs’ videos and said, “Well, hell, I can do that.”

    I tried to watch the above video. It’s only eight minutes but I literally fell asleep. One minute she’s talking about going through a bunch of Sega games to try to find the right shaped motherboard (or something) and then next minute, I’m out like a light.

    She plays the games on a pink Disney princess tv from 2005. So before she was born. I’m pretty sure that Erin said that she wants this tv. Erin wants a lot of things that she never ends up getting. What she should want is a job.

    How come you never see any guys who are really into the colour blue, like so many women are really into pink? “Oh, look at how girly I am. I really like pink.” You never see a guy saying, “Oh, look how masculine I am. I really like blue.” Why not? Guys like colours. Hues aren’t strictly the domain of women.

    Anyway, the comments are FULL of horny dudes. And in her icon for her channel, I think that she’s wearing a Hooters tank top.

    https://www.youtube.com/@karilawler/videos

    Is she a hot chick? No. She’s the usual 5/10 that we see so often with these retro gaming channels. But a 5/10 is automatically a hot chick in this community that’s full of desperate, horny retards.

    And she’s a 5/10 as a 21 year old. It’s only going down from here.

    She has really weird pronunciations for everything. I know that she’s Australian but this can’t be normal.

    She’s only been doing this for a month and she already gets…I don’t know…she has one video that has 250,000 views but the rest are an average of about 40,000 views. That’s about what Erin gets on a typical video and Erin has been cranking this dull as fuck “content” out for…I don’t even know…has it been eight years? Seven years.

    Why would this 21 year old woman be so interested in stuff from the 1980s? Four of her five videos are about 1980s console and PC shit.

    It would be like me, who’s in my 40s, being interested in…I don’t know…Dansette record players. Or banana seat bikes. “Let me show you how to get this old Schwinn up and running again.” Then at the end of the video, I’m tooling around on this bicycle, streamers on the handlebars, a baseball card in the spokes, and Bike by Pink Floyd is playing.

    And everyone watching my videos would be people in their 60s and 70s. “Hey, this young man really has his pulse on what people are into. Keep up the good work, you groovy cat.”

    People would think I’m insane. Why is this guy interested in children’s toys from 20 years before he was born?

    Is there somebody putting this woman up to this? Or is this just her idiotic idea? She heard that you could milk horny retards in their 40s by pretending to be interested in shit from the 1980s without even taking your clothes off. You just have to pretend to be interested in ancient video games and show a little cleavage.

    I don’t think that it’s lucrative. Show me the people making money from this. People complain about fake women gamers stealing attention (and thereby money) from men who are actually interested in video games. Where are they? Where are these women who are getting wealthy from this shit?

    Horny retards tend not to have money. And the market is completely saturated. This is a segment of the population completely overexposed to desperate, average-looking women, trying to titilate them. These women are getting pennies for this shit. It’s not worth doing.

    How could this woman just appear overnight like this? She has a website, Youtube, TikTok, Twitter, Instagram. And looking at some of these pictures, I was being kind with my 5/10 assessment. But she has loads of horny retards responding to every banal self-promotional thing that she posts.

    “Hey guys! Remember dot matrix printers?”

    Yeah. Do you? No. So what are you doing? Am I supposed to be jacking off to a dot matrix printer just because a 3/10 Australian woman is sitting next to it?

    Why is she on Youtube anyway? If this was geniune, she’d be on TikTok. She only has one video on TikTok. Are the young people going to Youtube? But she knows that this is where the old, horny retards are.

    Anyway, she’s ripping off John Riggs’ “can I fix it” idea. Doesn’t he even call it “Can I Fix It”? No, Open Cart Surgery. Well, maybe she’ll start “reviewing” bicycles that she gets for free in return for a video. She gets two to three times as many views as John Riggs does.

    Maybe she can start going to nerd conventions and creeping on all the dudes. And eating stuff. I want to see her eating a lot. I think it could work.

    Just have her go to a nerd convention and aggressively creep on the dudes there. You’d see their awkward reactions. But maybe some of them would take her up on her offer. Put those videos on OnlyFans.

  • Why you need to buy a Playstation 2 before its too late – Lydgendary

    0:00 – “Pretty much, everyone who’s probably watching this video had a Playstation 2.”

    I did, Lydia. It’s like you’ve known me all my life.

    In fact, did I have two? No, I’m thinking of Dreamcast. I had an American Dreamcast and then when I moved to the UK, I got a UK Dreamcast. I just wanted to play Fire Pro Wrestling D. But then I got a Playstation 2 to play Fire Pro Wrestling Returns.

    It’s in pieces somewhere. I had to take it apart to get the boot cd to work. What a pain in the ass. You have to lift the cover off to swap the boot cd (which is required to play imports) with the game CD. There was apparently a flip cover case that you could have bought to make this more elegant but I didn’t want to pay for that. There was also some kind of sliding tool that you insert into the part where you insert the CD but it apparently risks damaging the console. So I just screwed the cover.

    That thing also came with a bunch of games. I still have them but I don’t think that I’ve played them even once. It came with like 10 games. By the time I bought it, the PS2 was passe. I’m pretty sure that they were already on the PS3 at least. But it couldn’t have been that obsolete because I was playing Fire Pro Wrestling Returns on it. This obviously pre-dates Fire Pro Wrestling World for the PC.

    Anyway, tell me more, Lydia. Why should I purchase a PS2? Another one, in my case.

    She says that the games are cheap. That’s why you should buy them.

    Well, they’re probably all free on the internet. I haven’t looked.

    From what I can tell from a quick search on 1337, the games are like three gigs each. And I’m only seeing the most popular ones. And there aren’t many seeds.

    Surely, somebody has compiled a complete collection and is torrenting it. I know it would be massive but people do this, right? There’s a full set for all of the old school consoles, certainly. MAME has full romset torrents. Yeah, it’s only 37 gigs for every MAME rom. Obviously, the PS2 full rom set would be many times more than that.

    For a long time, I wanted to get a PSP because I heard you could put a bunch of emulators and shit on it. I never did it, though. Probably for the best. I don’t think that I would have played it. I can play all of this shit on my computer and I don’t do it. I’m going to embarrass myself by playing this old fucking handheld on the train? “Hey, ladies. You like middle aged men who play video games? Form an orderly queue.”

    6:30 – She’s showing games that she likes. Just thought I’d give an update. She also went over slim versus normal versions of the console. I had the normal version. I still have it somewhere, I guess.

    Aw. I’m looking up Fire Pro games on Ebay. I have loads of them. They’re not worth anything. In fact, they’re worth LESS than what I paid for them years ago. Twenty years ago, Fire Pro Wrestling D was like fifty bucks straight from Japan. Now it’s $10. There goes my retirement plan.

    Even obscure stuff like Six Man Scramble is $15. Who the fuck is buying Saturn games? Well, maybe that’s why it’s so cheap.

    14:45 – She’s talking about Destroy All Humans. Or something. And she says that you play as an alien and you can probe people. I’m really getting some ideas here.

    The video ends with two and a half minutes of a black screen. Editing mistake, I guess.

    But anyway, she wants to buy a PS2 because there are some good games on it. Well, okay. Whatever.

    It reminds me of a video I saw recently with the bizarre title of “How the PS3 Can Save Gaming”. Or something like that. So I’m watching the video and it’s just this Australian guy saying, “Well, the game are still pretty good, right?”

    What? That’s it? I thought that there was going to be some deep answer to this like the controller is something special or you can emulate a bunch of shit on it or something. No. Just he thinks that the games are pretty good. Bullshit clickbait title. People don’t like to get duped. They’re not going to subscribe to the channel after you wasted their fucking time with these misleading titles.

    A proper title would have been “Hey, I think that the PS3 has some games that are still pretty good.” Okay, cool. You do you. I don’t give a shit.

    For the life of me, I can’t understand what adult is buying a console any more. I know that there are still a small number of games that are console-exclusive. Every Nintendo property, for example. But who gives a shit? I don’t need to play the latest Mario game.

    It never made sense to me. The sheer volume of games available for the PC has always greatly outnumbered the games on any console. I can play any PC game ever released on my computer right now going back, whatever, 50 years. You might have to play through some shit like MoSlo or a virtual computer but it’s not that complicated. You’re not playing an NES game on whatever the fuck the current Nintendo console is. Not for free, certainly. And you’re certainly not playing games from other systems.

    And the games are so much deeper on PC. There’s so much more you can do with a mouse and keyboard as opposed to a fucking controller. The entire strategy game genre is effectively PC-exclusive. Whatever they have on consoles is watered down bullshit for mental defectives.

    I was playing some Romance of the Three Kingdoms game. It was for Playstation or Playstation 2. And I’m thinking, “This game would have some potential if it was on PC.” But on console, it’s dogshit.

    All of those Koei games for the NES. They’re cool but they would be so much better on PC. They could expand so much on it.

    There are loads of genres that were and to a large extent still are PC-exclusive. Proper RPGs (like Ultima or Wizardry), 3-d adventure games like King’s Quest or Monkey Island, stat-based games like Football Manager or there’s a bunch of wrestling games like that. And it’s all easily available, for free, on the internet and you can play it on the native platform that it was designed for.

    I don’t even like “football” or “soccer” if you prefer but I played loads of Football Manager. It’s a thinking man’s game. Well, an autist man’s game. It’s just a bunch of numbers.

    Never in a million years would I play any console football game. You know, where there’s little guys in their little shorts chasing after the little ball.

    I fucking hate “football”. I know that it’s part of American culture to hate “football” and think that it’s gay and whatnot. But it is. It’s gay and whatnot. I call out a lot of American misconceptions and try to take a more worldly view but they’re dead on with this one. Gayest fucking sport ever conceived. How is this boring as fuck sport possibly the most popular game in the world? How do people get so invested in it? How do riots start as a result of this? What’s the bone of contention. “My team has shorter shorts than your team has?”

    And before every game, the players come out holding hands with a little boy or girl. I’m not making this up. What the fuck is this? Imagine you’re watching the Super Bowl and these big roided-up players take to the field each holding hands with a little boy or girl. There would be a Congressional investigation. Whose idea was this?

    I’m not saying that anyone is getting molested but it’s just completely bizarre. Why are the players even agreeing to do it? Aren’t they embarrassed?

    And I remember in like the third grade, there was a picture in my…I don’t know what class it could have been but there was something about soccer in one of my textbooks. This was during one of the many periods in American history where people were saying, “Soccer is going to be the next big thing in America” and then it fails miserably when Americans actually watch that fucking piece of shit game. But the picture was a bunch of dudes standing in front of a soccer net with both of their hands on their genitals. They were like protecting themselves. Or…something else. This is apparently something that goes on. Dudes playing with themselves on the field.

    Let me see if I can find this picture. Or something similar. This must happen. Why would I have such a vivid memory of this picture? Why would it be in a children’s textbook?

    Yeah. “Free kick wall” is your search term. You’re telling me that that’s not gay? I mean, all sports are obviously homoerotic. It’s a bunch of young muscular men in little outfits trying to dominate each other physically.

    But “football” really takes the homosexual bullshit to the next level. Anyone who wants to watch that…I mean….I’m a modern guy. I’m not here to judge. But just come out of the closet and admit what this is and what you are.