Gamer Girls

 The thrilling conclusion.  Here’s part 1:

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/03/extended-cinemassacre-universe-boxing.html

Here are the final eight:

James Rolfe vs Nathan Barnatt
Kieran vs Justin Silverman
Chris Bores vs Pat the NES Punk
Tony from Hack the Movies vs Ryan

James Rolfe (40 years old, 5’11”, 185 pounds) vs Nathan Barnatt (39 years old, 6’0″, 180[?] pounds)

Something like this shouldn’t even be allowed to happen.  

You can see a picture of Nathan from last year here:

https://twitter.com/nathanbarnatt/status/1283495734470340609

The “after” picture is a joke, of course but the “before” picture…I mean…he’s not exactly Mr Olympian but compare him to fucking James Rolfe.  

Plus, Jimmy has mental and physical disabilities.  

No, this has to be another first round knockout.

WINNER: NATHAN BARNATT

Kieran (30[?] years old. 5’10″[?], 220[?] pounds) vs Justin Silverman (36 years old, 5’9″, 300+[?] pounds)

I counted Justin out from the start but after watching some Butterbean fights, now I’m not so sure.  Butterbean was enormous.  And yeah, he fought a lot of club fighters but he also had some wins against well-known guys. 

Of course, Justin Silverman is no Butterbean in terms of skill, experience, or even physique.  As large as Butterbean is, I’m sure that there was a lot of muscle under that fat.  With Justin, I think it’s just fat under the fat.  

But then again, Kieran is no Larry Holmes.  These are two boxing novices going at it.

Justin probably has 100 pounds on Kieran.  That has to be worth something.  

Still…Kieran issued an open challenge to all of Reddit to meet him after school by the monkey bars for a fight.  He must have supreme confidence in his fighting abilities.  Is this confidence misplaced?  I don’t know.  

I have to go with Kieran.  Surely, he has more experience with fighting than Justin does.  

The only way that Justin can possibly win is by knockout.  He’s certainly not going to go the distance.  And I don’t think that Justin has knockout power.  

So at some point, Justin is bound to drop either by punches or sheer exhaustion.

WINNER: KIERAN

Chris Bores aka Irate Gamer (43 years old, 5’11”, 170[?] pounds) vs Pat the NES Punk (40 years old, 5’10”, 180[?] pounds

I may have overestimated Pat’s weight.  I’m looking at his most recent video and he’s looking pretty scrawny.

That does change things.  In my mind, I was thinking that Pat was more muscular.  I still say that a svelte Pat could beat Scott the Woz, though, so that doesn’t change.

But a slim Pat versus an average sized Chris BORES?  

Plus, I think that BORES would take his training seriously.  I mean, he has millions of dollars, has all the time in the world, and this is his opportunity to show up Cinemassacre.  He’d go Ivan Drago training montage on this shit.  Get the best trainers, best equipment, whatever.

And Pat has lived in fucking California for decades.  He’s soft as fuck.

I’m going with BORES on this one.  I suppose that it would have to go the distance.  I don’t think that either one of these guys has knockout power.  But yeah, I say BORES comfortably outscores Pat.

WINNER: CHRIS BORES

Tony from Hack the Movies (30 years old, 5’10″[?], 220[?]pounds) vs Ryan (37[?] years old, 5’10″[?], 200[?] pounds)

Is Ryan really 37?  Where did I get that from?  I think that I just guessed.  I assumed that he was near to Rainman’s age.  And looking at recent pictures of Ryan, I’m probably pretty close.

So Tony has the youth advantage.  He also appears to have a sturdier build than Ryan.  

And then you have to look at who wants it more.  Ryan is sitting on a pile of money and he doesn’t really seek the limelight whereas Tony is a working man and loves attention.

I have to go with Tony.  Possibly even by knockout.  

WINNER: TONY FROM HACK THE MOVIES

So we’re down to the final four.  

Nathan Barnatt vs Kieran
Chris Bores vs Tony from Hack the Movies

Nathan Barnatt (39 years old, 6’0″, 180[?] pounds) vs Kieran (30[?] years old. 5’10″[?], 220[?] pounds)

I was thinking that Nathan had this thing locked up but 39 is looking pretty old.  

Still…I’m checking out a recent video of his where he talks about getting 400,000 subscribers.  He comes in high kicking his arms look fairly muscular.  It reminds me that his IMDB page says that he’s a dancer and was going to be in Michael Jackson’s cancelled farewell tour.  I also saw some videos of him dancing with women ad this was obviously some kind of audition or practice or something.

So dancing is supposed to help with boxing.  And he’s presumably been doing this for, whatever, 20 years maybe.

Kieran is slightly bigger.  And he does have the alleged street fighting experience.  

It’s a tough one.  Thirty-nine is pretty old for boxing.  But with the dancing experience (apparently at a professional level) and the boxing training and the general working out…I think that Kieran would need a knockout.  I mean, Kieran isn’t going to out box Nathan.  Kieran would just have to go in there and start slugging away and hope for the best.

Would that be sufficient?  

I’m going to say that it would be.  I mean, come on.  Nathan is a gay man who dances and plays nerd characters on Youtube.  He’s also 39.  If Kieran went in there and just went beast mode on him, I think that he could land a big shot.  

So something of an upset, perhaps, but I’m saying Kieran takes it.

WINNER: KIERAN

Chris Bores aka Irate Gamer (43 years old, 5’11”, 170[?] pounds) vs Tony from Hack the Movies (30 years old, 5’10″[?], 220[?]pounds) 

Is Chris BORES really that old?  That’s what the internet says.

And he’s giving up 50 pounds.  

What possible advantage could Chris BORES have?  He does fucking ghost hunting videos.  And puppet videos for children.  He’s a legitimate nerd.  And not in any kind of good way.  

I think that Tony has some problem with his eye or eyes so realistically he shouldn’t be boxing.  But I don’t want to call this on a technicality.  This isn’t sanctioned anyway.  This is the gritty world of underground “Youtuber” boxing.

BORES is not going to get a knockout.  His only hope is to work the jab and try to get a decision victory.  But I don’t think that the has the footwork for that or the cardio and it’s not like Tony is 500 pounds.  He’s reasonably mobile.  So I think that Tony would be able to defend himself, and counter, and go the distance, and possibly get a big shot in.  

So I have to go with Tony.

WINNER: TONY FROM HACK THE MOVIES

The final match.  You know, most everybody was pretty much the same height.  They were all 5’10 to 6’0 with the exceptions of John Riggs and Macaulay Culkin.  And most everybody’s weight was in the 200 pound range.  So height and weight didn’t really come into anything. 

But yeah, the final two have identical stats, although it’s just my made up guesses.  

Kieran (30[?] years old. 5’10″[?], 220[?] pounds) vs Tony from Hack the Movies (30 years old, 5’10″[?], 220[?]pounds) 

These two were in the final match when I did a Screenwave Battle Royale based on street fighting.  And I had Tony come out victorious, largely based on Kieran’s long hair.  I theorised that Tony could just grab some hair and start pummelling.

I stand by that assessment.  But in a boxing match?  Where hair pulling isn’t allowed?  It makes things more interesting.

I say that Kieran has the experience.  He’s also in better shape than Tony.  And Tony has the vision problems.

What possible advantage does Tony have?  The only reason he even got this far is because he was taking on guys 10+ years older than him in every match.  And even then, it just came down to his opponent’s weaknesses as opposed to Tony’s strengths.

Against Kieran, in a boxing match, I have to go with Kieran.  I think that it would be reasonably close but maybe a second round knockout for Kieran.  Maybe third round knockout.  But yeah.  Kieran is the Nonpareil Dempsey of the extended Cinemassacre universe.

So those are my predictions.  But doing this really illustrated how out of shape most of these guys are.  And can everyone really be 5’10” to 6’0″ or are these just completely made up heights?  I think they’re relying on a lot of self-reporting.